Thank you, God, for greatest gift of all...your one and only Son, Jesus Christ.
I'm finding great joy, peace, strength, and love in the One that saved me from my all sins. I am so unworthy of His forgiveness and unconditional love.
Happy birthday, Jesus!
Merry Christmas, dear family, friends, and visitors!
A beautiful gift given to me last Christmas from my mom's best friend. Gracie was indeed a gift from God!
Merry Christmas, my darling daughter! I thank Him every time I remember you! I love you a bushel and a peck! Xoxo
You're home baby girl...and I'm on my voyage there. I wish it weren't this way. I wish we were celebrating your very first Christmas here with us. Life isn't fair and I'm learning to be okay with that. I thought I was going to be just fine today because tonight is not about my hurting and missing you...it's about our Savior's glorious birth and the reason why He was sent here. I don't want to overshadow that, but my heart aches. I often wonder if you'd be pulling yourself up, what your smile would look like, or what your little voice would sound like. I pray today, and always, that you are worshiping and praising the One that saved you from the wrath of hell. I know you are going to have an amazing Christmas celebration and I'm so happy for you! I miss you, sweet girl! Merry Christmas!
It hasn’t felt right to blog since the tragedy that took
place last week Friday.My heart was really
heavy for the grief, pain, and the hurt that the families of CT were
experiencing.My heart continues to break over and over
again after I watch the news reports. Seeing every single one of those
precious faces continues to bring me to tears. These beautiful souls were called home far too early. Jesus greeted way too many angels in eternity, but I believe it was the best welcome home that anyone could possibly receive. I am trusting that those souls are in the arms of Jesus, their Savior, and are truly free from pain and suffering.
Not to lessen what
happened with our sweet Grace, but writing about my journey didn't seem appropriate.My sweet baby died peacefully in the arms of her daddy, and it has brought me more pain then I could have imagined. God continues to pour out one blessing after another, even when I am hurting, and that is something that I need to be more thankful for. We live in a fallen world
that desperately needs Jesus Christ.What occurred was pure evil and it was done by someone that was living in darkness.I’m sure many people question why God,
someone that is supposed to be “good,” would allow something like this to
happen. I fully believe God gave us a free will.By having free will, the devil is able to
easily enter and corrupt our thinking.And even though most people will just see the darkness in this horrible tragedy, I have been blown
away by His light that is shinning through. His light ALWAYS shines...even when great pain and suffering are occurring. Is it just me or is there an outpouring of people willing and wanting to donate their time, their money, and their effort, in order to bring comfort to the people of Newtown? If we look, and we don't have to look very hard, we can see Him and His light...even in the midst of horrific violence.
twas' 11 days before Christmas, around 9:38 when 20 beautiful children stormed through heaven's gate. their smiles were contagious, their laughter filled the air. they could hardly believe all the beauty they saw there. they were filled with such joy, they didn't know what to say.
they remembered nothing of what had happened earlier that day.
"where are we?" asked a little girl, as quiet as a mouse.
"this is heaven." declared a small boy. "we're spending Christmas at God's house."
when what to their wondering eyes did appear,
but Jesus, their savior, the children gathered near.
He looked at them and smiled, and they smiled just the same.
then He opened His arms and He called them by name.
and in that moment was joy, that only heaven can bring
those children all flew into the arms of their King
and as they lingered in the warmth of His embrace,
one small girl turned and looked at Jesus' face.
and as if He could read all the questions she had
He gently whispered to her, "I'll take care of mom and dad."
then He looked down on earth, the world far below
He saw all of the hurt, the sorrow, and woe
then He closed His eyes and He outstretched His hand,
"Let My power and presence re-enter this land!"
"may this country be delivered from the hands of fools"
"I'm taking back my nation. I'm taking back my schools!"
then He and the children stood up without a sound.
"come now my children, let me show you around."
excitement filled the space, some skipped and some ran.
all displaying enthusiasm that only a small child can.
and i heard Him proclaim as He walked out of sight,
"in the midst of this darkness, I AM STILL THE LIGHT."
Written by Cameo Smith
Despite that the month of December has caused me great pain and sadness the past two years, I know that I have much to be thankful for. You see, two years ago, on December 15th is when I miscarried our first baby. I was 12 weeks along when I lost him/her, but Baby Morris (always wished we would have named him/her) had stopped growing at 6 weeks. Some may say that our baby wasn't even a baby at that point, and the feeling of loss shouldn't be there...and I totally disagree. We prayed so hard for that little being and feel in love with him/her well before we even knew we were pregnant. Paul and I felt so blessed when my pregnancy test(s) read positive. And even before one knows they are pregnant so much development is taking place that it is mind boggling. We didn't know this at the time, but before a woman even knows she is pregnant is when the neural tube closes for the formation of the skull and brain. How is that NOT a baby? Going through something as painful (both physically and emotionally) as that scarred the month of December for me. Looking back though, I saw His light shining brightly. My mom was out of town on business, but my dad rushed to the hospital after Paul informed him that I passed out from the amount of blood I lost. Both the male loves of my life stayed by my side the entire time in the hospital. My dad was there until I was discharged at 4:00am and had to be up for work at 6:00am. On the way home, Praise You in This Storm by Casting Crowns played and I wept the whole way home. Ironically enough, my mom wasn't aware that any of this occurred. When my dad told her and she was ready to board her plane, the same exact song played. Godincidence? I think so! The outpouring of support from my family and friends allowed me to see His love. He allowed me to see how precious life was and what I had to be thankful for. Fast forward another year...we are 18 1/2 weeks into our pregnancy and looking forward to the antonym scan of our blessing from above. The 15th of December rolled around and I remember being in tears and on the phone with my mom that evening. I was emotional from what I experienced the previous year, but I was experiencing ligament pain from Grace growing. I felt as though I was cramping and that I was going to miscarry her. She reassured me everything was going to be okay and hung up the phone. Apparently both her and my dad were concerned to some degree because they both jumped on the computer to see what was happening. Ten minutes later, a call from Dr. Dad and Dr. Mom confirmed the cramping on my right side was ligament pain from the growing baby inside. And within a matter of a week from that scare, we found out that Grace had Anencephaly. My world came crashing down... yet again. December 22nd,2011 will always be a date that I remember as long as I live. I will remember that day because it was a day that I was put in the hot seat...where my my faith and trust in my great Savior was tested. It was that day and the days following that the His light came through the darkness that clouded my vision. He used Paul to be so gentle to my feelings, but allowed His truth to be poured out of his lips. He drove my mom to dig deep into the Word and to use scripture to shape her thinking, he used my principal to convict the evilness inside, he used the internet to show the relativity of what an abortion looks like, and he used my other family members and friends to be a beckon of hope, support, and love. As this December approached, I prayed that the feeling of loss wouldn't be all consuming. I had a birthday to celebrate on the 18th and the idea of celebrating it struck a different chord this year. I wanted to rejoice in the gift of life and appreciate each and every breath I have been given, despite a rough year. In a world where there is so much evil, darkness, and loss, I consider each year to be a gift and a blessing. I've learned a lot this year about myself and who I aspire to be some day. I've learned to love unconditionally because we don't know when our time is up...to appreciate the moment, because I'll never get it back...to open up in order break down walls so that others may help counsel me. I've been so weak and hopeless in my heartache that it's been a blessing to see my husband lift me up through his prayer, words, and actions...it's been more than humbling. I've learned how precious each and everyone of my family members and friendships are. Seeing them care and support me when I felt like giving up on life gave me hope. Having them mourn with me while carrying my burden allowed me to see the bond that truly existed. Twenty-seven, you were indeed good to me. Thank you, God!
One year ago today, December 22nd, 2011 at 10:00, the words "incompatible with life" changed me forever... I remember the day as though it was yesterday. I felt like I was literally on top of the world and nothing could stop me. I'm thankful for the reality check, because it has sure brought me to my knees...many times!
That day began with a lovely breakfast with the three of us at a local diner. Paul and I sat and discussed our future together with our little blessing in the picture. We talked about how we were going to tackle remodeling our bathroom right away and how we were looking forward to getting the nursery in order throughout the next couple months. As we walked into my OB office, we were greeted by the nicest receptionist EVER. Besides the fact she knew it was the anatomy scan of our baby, she knew and attended church with many of the families that attend to the same school I work at. I sat on the edge of my seat as I waited for my name to be called. Paul could see the excitement bursting in my eyes. He on the other hand looked scared out of his mind. When my name was called, I bounced out of my seat and followed the tech into a very dark room...a room in which I don't ever know if I could bring myself to enter again. All I remember from the past two times being in there are pure hurt and heartache.
As the tech began to poke and prod to get the images of our little girl in my womb, I was awestruck by her beauty, even at 18 weeks gestation. Before we even knew Gracie wasn't going to be with us for very long, this picture came up.
The ultrasound tech said, "Look here. Her hands are crossed." Instantly, I responded, "She's praying." Paul and I looked at each other and smiled. It was after that image when the tech approached her head. She sat there and didn't have much to say. She continued to poke so hard at my tummy that it was beating red and it felt like she was hurting Grace. My protectiveness kicked into overdrive. It was then that she said, "I can't get an image of her head. I need her to move away from where she is and she won't." We joked that she already had her mommy and daddy's stubborn nature. She allowed me to empty my bladder and continued to move me in all different positions. When she still didn't get an image, she excused herself and met with the doctor. I looked at Paul and we both knew something wasn't right. It felt like we waited for hours before my doctor entered the room, when in reality it was only minutes.
I try to put myself in my doctor's shoes every time I think back to this day. I can't even imagine how hard it must be to have to tell a family that their baby is not going to make it...to crush their hopes and dreams for their future with this child. The strength that the Lord provides these doctors is truly amazing. I imagine that is why my doctor looked the way she did that day. I'm sure she struggled to find the words to be sensitive, yet informative. It isn't easy watching someone break into tears and both Paul and I sat there and wept, uncontrollably. We hugged each other and were in sheer disbelief. This couldn't possibly be happening to us. I thought this was just a bad dream and I was ready to wake up.
I was forever changed after we had our second, more high tech ultrasound that day. The ultrasound confirmed it and the diagnosis was the same. It was concluded our little girl had Anencephaly. I have never heard of Anencephaly before that day and wasn't given any information on it from either of the doctors. Therefore, I really didn't know how to explain it to my dad when we arrived to my parent's home that afternoon. All I remember is walking into the house with my dad over the counter making Chex Mix for Christmas. The moment he looked up and our eyes met, he knew something was wrong. "No, no, no. What's wrong?" he questioned. I ran into his arms and cried... and cried some more. "She's not going to live," is all I could spit out. He held me close and tears continued to pour out of both of our eyes.
And so our journey with Grace Annmarie Morris began...
Shortly after we received her diagnosis, I received an e-mail from my principal at school. As I believe God does in all situations, He uses people to shine His light in the dark times. I am so thankful that he clung to the Word and spoke truth into every line he wrote. My vision was so clouded during that time and I was so thankful for such a well versed message. Here is what my principal wrote:
"I am impressed and encouraged with your concerns and priorities,
even in the midst of great grief and emotional distress. Through these, and other situations of end-of-life
care we have experienced in our family, I believe it would be
personally very difficult for you in both the short and long run to make
a decision that would actively end your baby's life before the Lord
chooses to take her. Unless there is a significant threat to your own
health, I think we would say it would be wrong. I would meditate on
Psalm 139:13-18 and realize that her days are in His hands and He knows
exactly how many there are to be.
We are given privileges and responsibilities that
are very difficult at times, but my recommendation is to take things
day-by-day, deal with any medical issues as they come, especially as it
impacts your health. You guys have a daughter right now (does she have
name yet?), and we all know that the relationship between mom and baby
starts way before birth. Allow yourself the tears that come, but also
marvel at the incredible love and compassion our Father has for His
children (whatever their condition) and the opportunity you have to give
this baby the days that God has for her in her limited life.
I want to offer any help we can. This
response may sound pretty cold, I guess, but our hearts ache for you and
we will continue to keep you in our prayers. If you have any questions
about our experiences, or would even like to get together, feel free to
let us know.
Keep seeking and praising the Lord. Remember that
death is a result of sin and will soon be swallowed up in His great day
(Isaiah 25:6-9)."
After this e-mail was written, I began reading I Will Carry You, by Angie Smith. She too was given an"incompatible with life" diagnosis with her daughter Audrey. When she tells her story, more eloquently written than mine, she explains that she told her doctor while sitting in the ultrasound room, "I think my Jesus is the same as He was before I walked through that door." That little line on page 16 impacted me so profoundly after I read her story. No matter what news we would have heard that day, the One who knit her together and created her innermost being is and will always be the same...no matter what trail we face. Higher than any mountain that I may ever face, stronger than the power of the grave, constant through the trail and the change, there's always one thing that remains..His love NEVER fails, it NEVER gives up, and it NEVER runs out on me!
I was reminded through this journey that our amazing Creator doesn't give up on me...and therefore, if my ultimate goal in life is to live a life more like Him, I wanted to follow in His footsteps with Grace. He'd never give up on her! Here are two (there are many more) verses that demonstrate what the Word of God says about life:
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139 13-16
Before I formed you in the womb I knewyou, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations. Jeremiah 1:5
My sweet Grace,
Today was the day, one year ago, that I met you in my womb. I remember you having hiccups and giggling as we watched you on the monitor. Today was also the day we found out that you weren't going to be with us for very long. You were worth every tear shed that day and the days following. You're daddy, God, and I loved you long before we even knew you. If I had the chance, I'd carry you all over again...in a heartbeat! Your little life has taught me so such about unconditional love, selflessness, obedience, appreciation for things, and acceptance....and I am forever grateful for those things and many others. I have shed many tears today as I sit here writing. I miss you my sweet angel. I miss everything about the experience of carrying you and holding you in my arms. I would give anything for you to be here. And even though I can't physically carry you in my tummy, I will carry your memory with me for an eternity. I pray little one, that you know my love continues to run deep and that you are our greatest blessing. May you know today and always that I am proud to call you my daughter. Mommy loves you, sugar bug!
I Will Carry You - Selah
There were photographs i wanted to take
Things i wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that i am brave but i`m not
Truth is i`m barely hanging on
But there`s a greater story
Written long before me
Because he loves you like this
So i will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But i know
That the silence
Has brought me to his voice
And he says
I`ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you
As I sit down to write tonight, my heart is heavy. My readers span well across the country and I receive roughly 200 blog views a day. Some of those viewers are my very own family members and my dear friends. I sat tonight and read several of my blog posts and felt disgusted with the words that covered my screen and I am sorry that my wide variety of readers may view me as ungrateful and unappreciative. I am imperfect and my words are imperfect as well.
I often lay my heart out on the line for people to truly understand how I'm feeling. Through which, I hope that my feelings and experience with Grace only brings glory to His name. Sometimes I re-read what I wrote and realize that my words did not come across as I had hoped. As I read my several of my latest postings, I got the feeling that others may view my words as being ungrateful for the gift of prayer. I often write about how others have blessed me with physical reminders that my sweet girl is not forgotten. However, I seem to brush over how thankful I am for the gift of prayer support that has drastically helped Paul and I walk through this entire journey.
I want to clarify from my last posting that I don't expect anyone to do anything...not even pray for us. But when you do, you warm our hearts. Yes...I am speaking for Paul because we talk about your prayers ALL the time. We don't need to know your praying. That is between you and God. I can tell you one thing, however...I know our faithful Creator has heard those prayers and has blessed us with unbelievable strength and peace to make it day in and day out. Several people shared with us that they had their bible study groups praying, their bible study groups had home groups praying, and those home groups shared our story with individuals across the United States. I had my friends grandparents, parents, brothers, and sisters sending us cards telling us they were praying and it meant more to us than any physical object. Because you know what? I fully believe with my WHOLE heart that God heard those prayers and answered them. For those of you that weren't present in the labor and delivery room the day Gracie was born, you'd be in awe how much strength and power He blessed me with that day. I was so content just to have my baby that grew inside of my for nine months just to rest in my arms. The time she and I spent together alone in our postpartum room was the most peaceful experience I can remember having and I fully attribute that to the overwhelming amount of prayer warriors.
I'm sorry if I hurt or discounted the gift of YOUR prayers. That was NEVER my intention and hope you can accept my sincere apology if you were ever hurt by my words written. I want to thank you, from the bottom of my heart for blessing us with your prayers. For I believe, the gift of prayer if the best gift of all.
It wasn't that long ago that Paul and I traveled to Mama D's to grab a cup of coffee and to chat about Paul's new business adventure with Jake. Paul and Jake have been friends for years even though Jake is my age, which is five years younger than Paul. Paul was Jake's Young Life leader back in high school and through which, a bond was formed. Jake is very much like a brother to me. I can say whole-hardheartedly that I love him like a brother too. He's someone that you can just sit and talk to for hours on end. He truly listens to my crazy stories I tell him. I know this because he always follows up with challenging questions that make me think outside the box. He is very much like Paul in the sense that he challenges my thinking process and allows me to grow into someone I never thought I'd be. Gotta love boys like that!
While Paul stepped away to talk to the Mama D herself, Jake and I got talking about the book that was dangling from my purse entitled, The Shack. I heard of this book through a baby loss webpage. The ladies that read it explained how their husbands read and loved it. Father's Day was right around the corner and so my intention was to get it for Paul. Well, it never made it as his gift because Grace's hand prints that said "I love you this much" made his gift (and my dad's) so much more special. At any rate, I simply could not put the book down and was telling Jake how much I enjoyed it. Much to my surprise, Jake had read the entire book himself. Since I had not finished the book, Jake reveled to me that the book had much to do with the concept of expectations. Seeing as though I was struggling with this through my entire pregnancy, my ears shot up like a little dog. He explained to me that when we set people up to meet a certain expectation in our life, we end up disappointed if they don't rise to the occasion. Ultimately, we get down on them and start thinking irrational things about who they are as an individual and of the relationship we may have with that person. He followed up by saying that we need to eliminate expectations focus more on expectancy in our relationships. We should be living out
truly loving relationships instead of trying to fulfill the
expectations of man, or placing expectations on others. I found this quote from page 206 to be extremely helpful when I was trying to piece together the valuable lesson Jake was teaching me:
"If you and I are friends, there is an expectancy that exists within our friendship.
When we see each other or are apart, there is expectancy of being together, of laughing and
talking.
That expectancy has no concrete definition; it is alive and dynamic and everything
that emerges from our being together is a unique gift shared by no one else.
But what happens
if I change that ‘expectancy’ to an ‘expectation’ -- spoken or unspoken?
Suddenly, law has entered into our relationship.
You are now expected to perform in a way that
meets my expectations. Our living friendship rapidly deteriorates into a dead thing with rules
and requirements. It is no longer about you and me, but about what friends are supposed to do, or
responsibilities of a good friend."
I learned that I had placed expectations of certain individuals and in turn, made my heart really bitter and I pushed myself away from them. Allow me to be vulnerable for a little bit, but I often thought, My gosh, she has children... can't she understand how I am feeling? I can't believe they don't even care about how I'm doing. Can't they just text me or pick up the phone and dial my number? I was there for them when they walked through their valley. Why aren't they they for me? I'm sorry if my thoughts seemed really selfish, but I expected those people to behave in a certain way and they fell short every.single.time. After this conversation with Jake, I realized what I did, and I immediately sought forgiveness. I truly learned not to place expectations on others and I understand how detrimental that was to the relationship that existed. I now try to live by expectancy and not place certain rules or expect people to perform a in a way that merits my approval. And you know what? I've been finding that when those rules and performance measures are erased, God works in remarkable ways. Let me explain...
It's been a fear of mine that people will forget my little girl. A fear that people think that Jessica's baby girl is dead and so is her memory. And while that may be true for some, I want so badly for her to live on in the hearts and souls of all of those who have been touched by her life. When my guard comes down and my expectations are turned into expectancy, I am beyond blessed. On Friday morning I received the sweetest message from my friend Erin saying, "I think of you and Grace every Friday. Sending love your way." I didn't expect a message like that from her, but let me tell you, if left me in tears. Or when I get messages from my sister-in-law, Jamie, telling me stories about Emily and how the every time they hear Molly talk in Bubble Guppies, they wonder what Grace's voice would have sounded like. The sweet messages I receive on Facebook from people telling me how our story has touched their lives, how they are praying for us, or remember her heavenly anniversary. Or when I receive a CD and a picture book from a friend of a friend, Katelyn (who's become my friend) in the mail. I didn't place these expectations on them, but they blessed me beyond measure.
Today was one of those days when I least expected to receive something like I did. When I walked in the house, Paul shouts, "Michelle sent you a package." I responded back as I took off my coat, "What the heck could she possibly be sending me?" As I opened the card and read the words so beautifully written on the card (the words, not her handwriting..ha ha, Michelle) my eyes filled with tears and my heart filled with both love and joy. The card read, "Hey girlfriend - You're on my heart...and in my prayers." And among the many beautiful things she wrote, the line that most stuck out was, "I am always thinking about you and Paulie. You guys are in my daily prayers and I think of Gracie often." Along with the wonderful card, she sent a book called, The Christmas Box. She stated that the book has inspired statues like the picture of the one she sent me and hopes the book will provide me with love and peace. I am looking forward to jumping into my warm bed and to end my night reading this and spending time God.
This, again, goes to show me that I can't place expectations on my relationships. If you are finding that you have a tendency to do this, you're not alone. But I challenge you to allow God to help you remove those expectations from your life. I know that when I turn to Him to explain my feelings or express my thoughts about the person I felt hurt by, my heart doesn't begin to harden and the relationship remains centered on expectancy. I am so thankful God used Jake to open my eyes to this idea and to understand how crucial this concept can be with all the relationships (even the most important one I have...the one with Christ) I have.
Thank you to all the gentle souls that remind me, when I'm least expecting it, that my little girl's memory still lives on. You bless me on a daily basis by your prayers, even if your actions are not outwardly visible. I appreciate your prayers more than you will ever know. We have an awesome God and I'm so blessed by the love and support we have been given throughout our journey.
Thank you God, for blessing me with such selfless individuals. I am humbled by their love on a daily basis.
It's been nearly two weeks that this picture has sat on my computer without writing about it. Shame on me! The Friday that I was home sick, I received a message from my friend, Michelle. She had taken her dog for a walk and went by the statue where she had placed flowers for Grace's 6 month heavenly anniversary. When she walked passed, she noticed that a rose was placed in one of the angel's hands. She sent me the picture to show me what had been done.
The moment I saw this picture, I thought to myself, He's got her and us in the palm of His hand...never, ever letting go! It's amazing to travel through a trial in my own life and to see every. single. part radiate God's goodness. He held me ever so tightly and reassured me on a daily basis that He wouldn't let me fall. I felt it...wholeheartedly. I felt His strength, His power, His love, and His peace every second of every day. I still do to this day. If I feel this amount of love from our Lord here on Earth, I can't imagine what love will be like in the greatest place of all...heaven. My girl is there. I know in my heart she is. And I have the faith to believe it's true. I'm so thankful that she has been blessed with the greatest and most perfect love of all...the love from her Heavenly Father. My love would never compare...not even a little bit.
The funeral home where Grace was cremated hosted a beautiful Christmas Memories service yesterday to remember those that have gone before us this year. The service was held at Our Redeemer church which was located next door to the funeral home. Ironically enough, my grandmother frequented that same church when she was alive. The church was built in between her apartment building and the funeral home. She would attend that church when she couldn't make the trip to her home church because of the weather. It is such a stunning church! About seven years ago, my parents, aunt, and I attended the exact same service to remember the life of my wonderful grandmother...a women who had the most beautiful, compassionate, and caring heart. I thought about her a lot yesterday as well, especially when singing Silent Night. I remember the last Christmas Eve service she attended with us and she sat right next to me in the pew. As we were singing the song, she was so off key that it made me smile and realize that I'd never get to hear her sing Silent Night ever again. Needless to say, I was a complete mess at the end. I think of her every time I hear/sing the melody She is so dearly missed by us all!
Paul and I were beyond blessed to have my entire family (parents, aunt Linda, brother & wife, nieces, and nephew) join us for this special service. It reminded me of the day that she was born and it literally brought me to tears. The same people who were there to support us the day she arrived and passed were there to remember those two hours we were graced with. My nieces and nephew were also able to join us at the service, even though they were never able to meet their little cousin. My heart was filled with so much joy. My other brother Matt and his wife Jamie were unable to attend because she had to work and he had to stay home with his two year old son. Much to my surprise, Emily (my brother's daughter and Grace's cousin who adores her) walked in with my parents. It was so nice to have her there to represent their family. I imagine our sweet Grace smiling down as she watched us all sitting together in the pew and listening to the story of our Savior's beautiful birth.
Prior to the service, my sister-in-law handed me a lovely wrapped gift. I waited to open it until we sat down. I was holding it together pretty well until I actually opened it. When I pulled the gift out of it's bag, I instantly saw Grace's name engraved with two little baby feet on a beautiful metal angel with the year 2012 dangling from the top. So many emotions surfaced and I couldn't control the tears. I did everything I possible could from not shedding a tear, but they were meant to pour.
Seeing those little feet on that ornament brought me back to my pregnancy and her birth. Among the many things that I adored about Grace's body, her little hands and feet were so precious and absolutely perfect. Once Grace was large enough in my womb, I was always able to feel her little feet dancing away and her hands always brushed the lower part of my stomach. That feeling was something that always made me smile when I was feeling down during my pregnancy. It was a reminder that she was still with me and that I had so much to be thankful during the hardest time of my life. I also wrote about her feet in a post titled Walking With The Lord. Here I expressed how her feet represented my walk with the Lord through our journey with her. The valley in my life allowed my walk with Jesus Christ to deepen and grow two-fold.
Seeing her name engraved on the ornament made me think about all the times I felt she never existed in this world. I know the topic of loss is very difficult for people and I understand some don't know what to say or do. I often feel like my whole pregnancy and her birth were a figment of everyone's imagination. Her name is never mentioned...unless it's by a little 6 year old that loves to draw her cousin pictures and write her name or on her heavenly anniversaries. I get that talking about a dead baby is awkward, but I often feel like because of that, she never existed in their minds. I especially felt that way throughout my entire pregnancy with my one brother and sister-in-law. They never seemed to ask me how I was doing or acted as though they cared about my trail. My feelings were terribly hurt and my heart really began to harden. I asked so many people to join me in prayer asked the Lord to soften my heart. Yesterday I realized that the devil had a good grip on me. When I saw her name, it made me realize that she wasn't forgotten by them, they did care, and that God does hear and answer prayers. I continue to look at the beautiful ornament hanging from the tree and am reminded of God's grace and mercy He has given us. I picture Grace with the angels surrounding the throne, worshiping the One that created us all with such purpose. I'm so thankful for this wonderfully thoughtful gift that I am able to hang on my tree year after year. I pray that I continue to remember all of the wonderful things that this ornament represents to me.
Besides my family being there on the day of her birth, I have never felt as loved as I did yesterday. I was so thankful for them to take time away from their busy schedules to join Paul and I as we celebrated the life of our little girl and our Savior. I'm sure most of them attended to support the two of us in our journey, but it made me so happy to know that they were there for Grace as well. They will never get to attend any recitals, sporting events, graduations, or her wedding day...but they were there for this and I felt like they were there to cheer her on as they would have for any other event. It made me realize how much I value each one of them in my life and appreciate their presence. I have the best family...hands down! They are truly loved by the three of us!
It seems so weird that Thanksgiving has come and gone in what seems like blink of an eye. I still haven't been feeling up to par and spent most of my Thanksgiving in bed sleeping. The other half was spent at Paul's grandparent's house and my parents in the evening. Since I slept until almost 2:30 that day, I was wide awake in the evening (which is VERY unlike me). After looking through the Black Friday ads, I convinced Paul to go out with me. It didn't take much convincing. He is a night owl and loves when I'm up for doing something out of the norm. There wasn't anything we truly needed or wanted, but I wanted to experience what this whole shopping craze was like. We headed to the mall to look at some tools for Paul and wound up walking out of Sears ten minutes later because he didn't like what he saw on sale. I had been toying around with the idea of picking up sewing because Kara (a dear friend) sews her little heart. She made me the most beautiful Christmas pillow last year and made Grace's beautiful quilt. I thought it would be something fun to bond over and to be able to create one of a kind gifts for people. There's something about a handcrafted gift that makes my heart skip a beat. When Kara blesses me with her gifts and thoughtfulness is melts my heart because I know she took time to work on something for me and she has impeccable taste. My hope is to pass on what she has blessed me with, so that I may too make others feel the same way. Walmart had a Singer sewing machine on sale and since I don't know ANYTHING about sewing, I thought I'd go take a peak at it. Paul and I made our way to the closest Walmart around midnight and our mouths hung open as we pulled into the parking lot. As found a spot and walked into the store, I continued to stand in awe. The lines for the check- out weaved their way throughout the entire store. Carts were packed full and people were dashing around the store like crazy. I was utterly amazed. Needless to say we did not stay there for long and made our way home empty handed, but happy to have spent time laughing and being in each others presence. I love my hubby!
The whole concept of Black Friday after Thanksgiving really got me thinking. I find it funny that one day is dedicated to recognizing our gratitude for our blessings and then hours later we (including myself) are out trying get the best deals on whatever we want or may need...sometimes forgetting what we were just thankful for.
As I laid in bed that evening, I began praying and asking God to help me be more aware of the blessings bestowed on me and to thank him daily for those blessings no matter what the circumstances may be. Looking back over the course of this year, I have so much to be thankful for even though our little girl couldn't be with us. I am most thankful my renewed faith and relationship I have with the One that gave me life. I believe I had to walk through this valley in order to realize that my relationship with God wasn't anywhere it should be. I was broken and my heart was shattered when we heard the news of her diagnosis. I know some people would have turned their back on God over such a difficult situation, but the circumstance allowed me to call out to Him even more. He made me realize that He was the only one going to carry me through my trail and show me what it means to submit and surrender. He constantly reminded me that He would not forsake me.
I'm so thankful for being chosen to carry such an unbelievably unique and precious little girl. I know our story is no where near the story of Mary in the Bible, as she was chosen by God to give birth to his Son, Jesus, but I'd like to look at one similarity. God hand selected her to be the mother of our Lord and Savior. What an unbelievable gift! I felt very much like Mary because He selected ME to be the mother to Grace...and my dear friend Lisa always reminded me of that. I felt so blessed that He entrusted me with a life so fragile and knew that I would be equipped to be her mama.
I'm thankful for the understanding that God has a plan for me and that I need to be still and know that He is in full control...in control over the good and not so good in my life; always remembering that the not so good happenings can bring divine goodness, grace, and mercy into sharper focus. Lisa Harper states her a recent blog post for Women of Faith, "I’m
learning that the roots of gratitude grow deepest in the sober soil of
remembering how hopeless my life is without God." This was the year that taught me how much I need Him in my daily life...not just when times are rough, but all the days of my life. Oh thank you, Lord, for saving a wretch like me! Thank you for being my rock to which I always cling!
Oh, God, when I have food
help me to remember the hungry;
When I have work, help me
to remember the jobless;
When I have a warm home,
help me to remember the homeless;
When I am without pain,
help me to remember those who suffer;
And remembering, help me
to destroy my complacency
and bestir my compassion.
Make me concerned enough
to help, by word and deed,
those who cry out
for what we take for granted.
~ Samuel. F. Pugh
"For I was
hungry and you gave Me food, I was thirsty and you gave Me drink. I was a stranger and you welcomed
Me..." - Matthew 25:35
I still can't get over the fact that it's been 6 months since our little darling was snuggled up in her hospital blanket. I still take her blanket out of her chest where it is folded up in a plastic bag and wrap my face in it. I draw in a deep breath to take in the sweet smell that still lingers within. Looking at that blanket reminds me what a little fighter she was and it brings a smile upon my face. On the edge of it there is a dried blood stain from where her sweet head rested. The blood had soaked through her hat, onto the blanket, and even onto me. My mom washed the blood out of a bonnet she had on and offered to take those home as well, but I declined the offer. It was the only blanket and hat that she would ever able to leave her mark on and I wanted to keep it exactly the way it was!
The days leading up to her anniversary were filled with joy and happiness. I felt like it was the first month where I was excited to celebrate her entering eternity. I want to send a special thank you to any of my readers that had us in your prayers as Sunday approached. I believe with my whole heart because of so many individuals out there who joined us in prayer throughout our journey, He has heard and answered every single one, along with walking with me every step I've taken...and when I stumble and go back ten steps, He's right there with me. There are so many people in our lives that showed their love for us and our little girl yesterday that it took my breath away...from the early morning phone calls, text messages, e-mails, cards, prayers, and other remarkable things...THANK YOU! Your thoughtfulness and consideration remind us how we want to live out our lives...to show others what Christ's love looks like.
As I was speaking to, Michelle, one of my best friends since second grade on Saturday, she told me about this beautiful statue of an angel that wasn't to far from where she lived...it was called Angel of Hope. On Sunday, I received this beautiful picture of the angel from her in remembrance of Gracie's 6 month anniversary. She purchased pale pink roses (which her mom said meant "Grace") and placed them under the gorgeous statue. I tried to look closely at the picture because I thought she had gotten her 6 roses for her 6 month anniversary. As I zoomed in, I was struck by how many more I thought I saw. Michelle confirmed and she purchased her a DOZEN. In all my almost twenty-eight years, I have never received that many beautiful roses. I was blown away by her love for my little girl.
When she sent me this picture, I remembered Romans 5:4-5, which says, "And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead
to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has
given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love" (NLT). Hope of salvation...hope that will NOT lead to disappointment...God loves us! What beautiful reminders on the anniversary of her entering eternity! Praise be to Him!
A very special thank you to my best friend, Micki, for lovin' on our
sweetie pie! You exuded selflessness and constantly help me to see
that life is about making those around you feel loved and adored. Thank you
helping me see the areas that I change so that I may too, build
treasures in Heaven. You've been such a wonderful Auntie to Grace and
an unbelievable support system throughout this journey. LYLAS! Muahh!
Sweetie Pie,
I saw this on another Anencephaly mom's website. I'm sure you've met handsome Colin already, but it was his mama who posted this picture. The moment I saw this, I wept. I can't tell you how many times your daddy and I sat in prayer asking God to bless us with you. He heard those prayers, Grace, and he answered! He answered by delivering you to us...one gift that has accomplished SO much!
Honey, I am so sorry that I even hesitated for a moment when the doctor told us our options, because you weren't a mistake. No child is! You were created for a purpose and your days (or hours) were numbered just like mine are. I sit and mull over that thought all the time. I thank God daily for placing and using certain individuals in my life to light my path during that time...to revel God's glory and to allow me to understand how precious life is and that it wasn't in my power to end your life. I thank God for the pictures I saw on the internet that sparked the reality of what I was considering. I thank Him for those long, tear-filled conversations with your daddy and grandma shortly after your diagnosis.
You see, I think every. single. part of that was in God's plan for me. Because of the unbelievable blessing of you Grace, my faith and grown and matured so much. He has used YOUR life to reach and change me and I fully believe most mothers cannot say that about their child. I pray, Grace, that you can forgive me of my thoughts and know you were not mistake. I pray that you may know how thankful I am for those short two hours where you rested in my arms and how I blessed felt to be able to gaze and touch every inch of sheer perfectness. Tomorrow it will be your 6 month anniversary spent in Heaven, little one. It seems like just yesterday I was holding you in my arms! I want you to know that I love you more than words could ever convey! Until we meet again, keep on praising Him! <3
No joke, shortly after parent-teacher conferences every single year, I get sick. I thought maybe this year would be different since I don't have a homeroom where I have to meet 26 families. I woke up yesterday feeling really lousy...stuffy nose, scratchy throat, and sooo tired! As the day progressed, my throat started to hurt more and more...to the point I couldn't swallow. If you know me, you'd know that I don't do well when I'm sick. Colds literally kick my butt! After four years of marriage, my originally "suck it up" hubby, has come around to understand that just doesn't work with me. He treats me like my mom and dad did when I was little and it makes me feel so loved! Sometimes, I still wish I could be at home (my parent's home..always my home) when I don't feel well. There is something about my mother/father's care that made me feel so much better. I only hope one day I can provide that feeling to our kids.
When 5:15am rolled around this morning, I woke up, felt even worse and knew I wouldn't be able to function at school. Most importantly, I didn't want to spread whatever I had to my beautiful kids at school. I haven't moved from my room all day! Yes, I slept the day away, but I got to spend it in the presence of my sweet Gracie. Her ashes still rest in the wonderfully made wooden container her daddy made for her. They rest on a dresser on our room next to the teddy bear her cousin, Emily, gave her. I used to bring her ashes out into the living room every morning so she wasn't 'alone' all day. Ever since I went back to work, I realized she'd be in an empty home all day long...every day. I know, she's really not 'alone', because she's physically is in the presence of her Creator, but her ashes would left in our empty house and I never liked that much. I'm sure people would think I fell off the deep end if I brought them with me to school every day. I really don't think I'm ever going to be able to part with her ashes not resting in our bedroom. Paul had such a great idea of putting them under a tree on our land where our future kids could play in their tree house or he could hunt. Seeing her resting place on our dresser brings me so much healing and gives me sense of peace knowing she is so close home.
Unlike most Fridays when I'm busy at work, I only get to spend time with her for a short while. Today was much different. Her ashes were with me all day and I loved every moment, despite how I've been feeling. Besides looking at her pictures, I love praying over her ashes and telling her how much I love her. I hope she knows my love for her. I hope she knows I'd do anything for her and I'd give my life for her.
As we approach her 6 month birthday in heaven and we reach another milestone in her passing, I find myself not as down in the dumps as I have been in the past. Praise be to Him! But, that doesn't mean I don't miss her any less. I just think that God is filling my void of loneliness and missing her so much. I've already received a lovely call from my dear friend, Michelle, acknowledging the date already. I can't even begin to tell you how much that warmed my heart! Her call told me that she understands that the date could be rough (she loves me) and that my daughter continues to leave her mark in this world. I'd like to do something special for her on Sunday. So, as I continue to veg out in my bed, my mind will be thinking about her 1/2 birthday and what we can do to celebrate her time spent with Jesus.
Thank you to Lisa, from my Anencephaly support group, for making this beautiful picture! <3
I saw this Carter's commercial for the first time today...a Friday of all days. As if Fridays aren't hard enough already. The commercial had me in tears from the moment I saw the baby being rocked in the mother's arms. And to make it harder, the mother was cradling the baby's beautifully formed head. What a miracle a baby is!
It appears the voice over is a little girl speaking, since the mother and daughter are shown throughout the clip. It got me thinking what Grace would have said about her short little life. Would she of talked about the love she left, how we reacted to her, and how hard it was for us to say goodbye?
And then the saying at the end, "When a child is born, so is a mom," hit me like a ton of bricks. I am a mom...maybe not to someone here on earth, but to a little girl who I believe is worshiping the One who formed every inch of her precious body. I may not be up for late night feedings, changing her diapers, or rocking her back to sleep, but my love for her runs so deep that it often brings me to tears and takes my breath away.
As I reflect back on the day she was born, look at her pictures, and rejoice in the greatest blessing we have been given, I'm thankful that at 12:18pm on a warm spring day, she gave the the title of "mom." It's one of the titles I hold closest to my heart.
I haven't been looking forward to this time of year and I'm dreading the
coming months even more. Fall is one of my favorite seasons due to the
beautiful turning leaves and the crisp autumn air. I'm continuously
reminded of His beauty and awesome power to create such a magnificent
place. I can only imagine seeing God face to face and discovering what
heaven will look like if I think this place is considered to be beautiful.
For the past two years in a row, I discovered I was pregnant during the fall season. I've been fervent in prayer and hoping that it would be the third time. Perhaps
that's why I've been really struggling lately. I know that my God has a
plan for me and He knows my heart far greater than I do. Maybe I'm not as
ready to begin this next endeavor as I thought I was and He is well aware of
that. He knows I need to be further healed. But the thing
is, I'm not sure I will ever will be healed completely. Can you blame me? As each day passes, I miss her
more and more. And that popular saying that goes something like,
"Time heals all wounds," isn't applying to much to me. Five
months have gone by and my broken heart seems to shatter into more and more
pieces. Yes, time will move on, and God will continue to mend this broken heart of
mine, but there will always be something missing.Something that I will never get back until my
time has come to an end. And then all the pain and hurt I’ve felt here, won’t
exist. I long for that day for so many reasons.
I think that a lot of what I’m experiencing is feeling so alone in my
grief.I’ve read about this ‘feeling’
from other ladies that have walked my path before and I never understood it…until
now.I think a big part of why this
journey is so hard is because people don’t understand how I could be feeling. Sometimes my own husband doesn't "get it" even though he has endured the same loss. Many individuals in my life have never walked the journey of loosing a child, so I don't expect them to understand what emotions are associated with this. Losing a child that you've carried for nine
months and held in your arms is far different than grieving the loss of a
grandparent and no one will ever get that until they've walked this same exact path. Which of course, I would never wish upon anyone.
It seems as the months continue to pass by, the less and less Grace is
brought up and conversation of how we are doing.My mom continues to tell me that people just
don’t know what to say or that they don’t want to hurt me by bringing the topic
up.And I continue to thank God for those
moments when people may step out on limb and ask, how are you doing? I rejoiced over that simple, yet sometimes difficult
question this weekend when my brother’s sister-in-law, Claudette, asked me how
I was while all the kids were getting ready to go trick-or-treating.Just as I was sitting at the kitchen table,
wondering what Gracie would have been dressed up as and tears beginning to swell
in my eyes, she walked over.She put her
arms around me and asked, “How are you doing?”I can’t even remember the last time I saw Claudette, but she asked. I
thank Him for allowing her to ask such a difficult question when she doesn’t
know what response she will receive in return.It showed me that she cared. What I love most is that she did it, even if it was hard on her part. She did what she could do and it filled my heart with joy.
I'm not sure what these next two months are going to hold for me as more holidays are quickly approaching. I can only imagine Grace looking down as each tear trickles off my face, knowing that everything is glorious where she is. Her stocking with her name embroidered on it will be hung proudly on our china cabinet, along with her first Christmas ornament on our tree. Even though her stocking will never be filled, she continues to hold a place in our family, just as any other child would. And as much as I'd like to send our our very first photo Christmas card with a picture of Grace and Jesus in resting manger, with James 1:17 (Every good and precious gift comes from above) written in beautiful script font...it's not going to happen. I was reminded by someone that "people don't want to see a picture of a dead baby. That will just result in them being sad and depressed." And perhaps that individual is right. So maybe when my child isn't "dead," I'll get to send those beautiful Christmas cards out for everyone to see a healthy baby because they are "a better sight to see." My skin is growing thicker, but my once beautifully (okay maybe not so beautiful) shaped heart that was torn into pieces, is now fading into dust.
Please join me in prayer as the holidays approach. I need His strength and comfort above else, because I feel like it's going to be a rough road ahead.
Grace, I'm missing you like crazy, sweetie pie. Even though this journey of missing you grows more and more each day, I would NEVER change our decision of having you and getting to hold your sweet body in our arms. You were perfect...and still are! Thank you for allowing me to be a mama, sugar. I feel like I have a slight understanding of what God felt like when He sent His Son to die for you and me on that cross...it's a love I have never felt before. I thank Him and you for allowing me to experience that. Loving you always, my beautiful daughter!
