Monday, July 30, 2012

A Little Fun Never Hurt Anyone

In the wee hours of the night, when I should be sleeping, I like to putz around on different websites.  Waking up at 4:45am is going to be a killer when school starts up again.  Good thing I have a couple weeks to get my 1:00am sleeping time back to 8:30pm. HA HA!  It's sooo true though!  As of right now, Pinterest has gotten the best of me.  If only I was as talented and creative as my friend Kara and sister-in-law Jen to complete half the projects I pin.  Someday... I'll get there!

As I was poking around on different blogs, I came across this really neat interactive feature for the readers.  I can see on my end how many people have viewed my posts, but I thought it would be fun to see how others are being reached through Grace's story. 

If you look at the very bottom of my posts you will see the word "Reaction."  You can click your reaction (it's multiple choice..yes!) after you read each post.  I can't see who is clicking what, but it will just tally the different reactions that are being chosen.

I tried to select other inputs too, but it limited me on the amount of characters.  I thought, "I'm embarrassed" or "I'm VERY upset" would have been fitting for those I mention in my posts or the topics I bring up.
Ha! <3


Love Always,
Jess and Gracie


Sunday, July 29, 2012

A Bond Shared

Almost four years ago Paul and I said, "I do."  We found our vows written purely from scripture, so they weren't the traditional vows you hear at most weddings.  And if you were there, you'd remember that our vows were very long and extremely wordy.  In fact, when Paul said his vows, Pastor Terry had so slow down and say less so Paul could recite it back correctly.  I, on the other hand, made a giant fool out of myself by stumbling over the words and laughing in the process. I know that saying your vows should be taken in a very serious manner, and it was never my intention to laugh, but that's what I do when I'm embarrassed.  I really couldn't help myself.

With those words, I entered into a covenant with my husband, not only before Paul, my family, and friends, but before God.  I take that very seriously.  And with part of that covenant, I promised that I would be in it for the long haul with him...for better or worse, or til death do us part.  It was more eloquently stated in our vows...I promise!  Looking back, I never really took the time to sit and process what that might entail.  Don't roll your eyes.  I just didn't want to imagine what could be thrown our way.  I knew that what God had brought together, we were not going to separate...no matter what!

I love Paul more today than the day I said, "I do." The man I married is much different than who he was on our wedding day.  Paul has really learned to walk alongside God, to trust in Him, and has become such a great spiritual leader in the process.  He is slower to anger, so much more easy going, and always has been wonderful listener.  One quality I loved about Paul when we first started dating was that he is phenomenal listener and communicator.  He and I would sit for hours talking, giggling, and crying together.  And when we weren't talking, we were watching movies and giggling.  He would feed or more like shove popcorn and peanuts in my face as we were watching.  He is such a character and the lover of my soul!

On our wedding day, besides it being blistering hot, I walked down that isle, ready to commit myself to someone that I was going to travel through life with. So, it didn't surprise me one bit that Paul was by my side when our lives were turned upside down on every account possible. I am forever grateful that he has not let me walk down this road alone.  When we walked down that isle on August 23,2008, I never would have imagined that traveling through life together would've meant burying our first born.  I never thought we'd be given an option to end our child's life or that we'd have to hand our baby over to a complete stranger and never see her on this side again.

After doing some research, I've read that the divorce rate is between 15%-90% for couples that have lost a child.  That's a pretty large range, so I'm sure it's anywhere in the middle of that.  At any rate, the death of a child can be the breaking point for some families.  We were determined that nothing would shake us and that God would walk with us on our journey.

Looking back, I could see how a decision such as ending your child's life or carrying your baby as long as the Lord lets you, could be another breaking point if the views were divided.  I remember, so vividly, talking with Paul  about what our next steps would be after hearing Grace's diagnosis.  Confidently, he knew that Grace was one of God's children and never wanted to take her life.  However, I lacked his confidence at the time.  Paul never once tried to sway my thinking, but he trusted that the Lord would guide me and my decision making.  Patiently, he saw the transformation before his eyes. It's amazing what can happen when we put our trust fully in Him!

I'm quite sure that those of you reading this would have never imagined some of the things you went through or are going through with your spouse.  I'm sure when you said, "Til death do us part," you never understood the ramifications to that statement.  But, when I said those words or some form of that on my wedding day, I meant every. single. word.  I never want to be part of the divorce rate statistic, and I will fight for that never to happen no matter what God throws our way.

Paul and I now share a connection that has brought us so much closer together.  We share one of the most beautiful and most heartbreaking moments that two people can share: the act of bringing a beautiful child into this word and holding her in our arms until she left to be with her Lord and Savior.  This is a piece of the thread that binds our til death do us part.


The pictures above are from our first date together!  Paul just HAD to sit on my lap and take pictures. I'm so thankful he did! I was super embarrassed and nervous, as you can see from the photographs.  He never did get one of me looking into the camera.  Stinker!  I'm so thankful that the Lord blessed me with him and his playfulness.  What a wonderful gift to be given!  There's no one else I'd rather walk through this life with! Til death do us part, baby! <3 

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Not in Control: Riding in the Passenger's Seat

I can still remember when I thought my future was a choice that I was ultimately in control of.  The conversations I had with my friends about growing up and wanting to get married at twenty-three, having children within a certain time frame so I wouldn't be an "old" mom, and living in the perfect house with a white picket fence (cliché, I know) where ideals that I believed I could control. Obviously, I didn't know the power of God at the time.

When Paul and I got married we had many conversations about wanting to have children...okay, maybe it was me initiating the conversations, but we sure had them.  I always envisioned starting our family into our second year of marriage, but Paul had a different idea.  His envision was that after three years we would begin talking about having children.  He wanted to make sure our relationship had a strong foundation built on Christ before we brought kids into the picture.  I completely agreed, but often thought this was his way of postponing our next endeavor. Time was creeping up to me and I became very anxious because this is not what I had planned in my younger years...I was loosing control.  

It turned out that neither of us could control when we would be blessed with a child.  After having my miscarriage, it was suggested that I see a fertility doctor because my progesterone hormone level was low during that pregnancy.  I was told that my current clinic did not check for that hormone in their patient's blood.  After setting up an appointment, I met with the specialist and he proceeded to check all of my hormone levels.  It came back that my prolactin hormone was on the high side, which could have caused my other hormones to be lower.  To make sure it was nothing more, he told me I needed to have a MRI of my brain to ensure that I didn't have a pituitary tumor.  He had be trembling at that point.  This is NOT what I had planned for in my life.  I thought getting pregnant was supposed to be "easy!" By God's grace alone, it turned out that I just had an elevated hormone and that could be fixed by taking a pill...but, boy do I hate taking pills.

After I found out we were expecting, I called my fertility doctor right away and was told to stop taking the medicine.  He had me come in week after week for blood draws to ensure my growth hormone was doubling and checking my progesterone levels. I didn't know getting pregnant could be so nerve-wracking.  But, thankfully, every other week I was able to see our little bean double in size.  This was it...after so much heartache of loosing our first, we were finally pregnant! After all, I'd have this baby by the time I was twenty-seven. Having two more by thirty didn't look so promising...

When December 22nd hit and we heard the word Anencephaly for the first time, I slowly began realizing that this whole me in control thing wasn't working out the way I had anticipated.  When we were presented the options of what our next steps would be, it had to of been the first time where I truly felt I let God take control of my life.  Selfishly, we could have gone the path of termination and could have possibly been pregnant again shortly after.  That's what I really wanted, right...to be pregnant, with a healthy baby? So, why not take the "easy" way out?  But God had a different plan for our daughter's existence.  His plan started to unfold and the concept of aborting my child that I already felt dancing away in my tummy was brought to my full attention. I will never forget waking up one morning and praying for God to help me better understand each and every choice we were presented.  I sat at our table and began googling dilation and extraction (d&e) and seeing the horrific pictures of babies being pulled out of their mother with forceps.  Literally, I saw pieces of a baby's body (arms, fingers, legs, head etc.) sitting on a table in an operating room.  I knew that this is something my God never intended to happen.  This was pure evil!  Then how could I possibly go through with it?  The next day I began digging deep into the Word and trying to better understand creation and how we were formed in His image.  I kept mediating on Psalm 139:13-16.

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.  

 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.  

 I wept to the Lord, like Hannah did when she was barren. God revealed to me that he had a created a beautiful human being that deserved to be fought for, regardless of what the world would say.  She had a heartbeat (a very strong one at that) and was growing in size.  Her hands looked as though she was praying in her ultrasound picture. How was I to stop that?  God revealed what I was called to do, even if the journey wouldn't be easy.  He pushed me to the passengers seat pretty darn quickly and taught me I am the one NOT in control of this or anything in my life.

Grace was by far our greatest blessing and I'm so thankful that I was tossed into a different seat! 

The decision to begin our next endeavor is scary, but I know God has got my back and is in full control.  I was told that I would know I was ready for our next journey when my desire for a child was stronger than the fear of loosing one again. The fear of getting pregnant again is still present.  Will I even be able to get pregnant again? Will the baby be healthy? Will I get to hold him/her for more than two hours?  All questions and all very real fears.  Now, I've learned to take those fears and present them to the Lord.  Forty weeks is a long time to hold your breath and not come up for air.   And while most women worry about the type of furniture, paint color for the nursery, or the best type of stroller to buy, all baby loss mamas worry about is bringing home a baby that is living and healthy.    

I'm not sure what the road for Paul and I will look like.  I'm sure there will be bumps along the way, but this time I will enjoy the ride as a passenger.  I know my God will remain on the road by being in control and I feel safe as ever!  He will drive us through life and take us on our journey, wherever that may be.  I'm buckled up and ready for the ride! 


I will instruct you and teach you the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you ( Psalm 32:8).

Monday, July 23, 2012

My "Unicorn Baby"

Words cannot express how down in the dumps I've been these past couple days, The reason being why I haven't written.  I've been feeling so tired, weak, and depressed.  I'm really not sure what the whole grieving process looks like for me, but I'm hoping and praying that I don't have to experience many days like the ones I just went through.

I couldn't get Grace off my mind...even when I was sleeping.  Just recently, I've started having dreams with her in them.  The beautiful thing is that she is healed and well in each and every dream I've experienced.  Maybe that's God's way of reminding me that He has her safe in His keeping and that she is whole in His presence.  And boy, she was just as darling in my dreams as she was here on Earth! 

I was over at my parents yesterday evening and as I was flipping through television shows, it dawned on me that I was never able to watch the Private Practice episodes that were aired in May.  Ironically enough, during the time I was pregnant with Grace, this show had a lady named Amelia pregnant with an Anencephalic baby.  I was told of this show by Paul's sister after I had Gracie. In utter shock, I quickly told my mom what I heard since I knew this one of her favorite shows to watch.  My mom didn't have the heart to tell me what was going on in the show because of how cruel Amelia was about her unborn son.  She did DVR it in case I wanted to watch it later.  In my depressed state, I made my way up to my parent's room so I could watch the show and let out a good cry. 

Now, I completely understand this is a television show and some of the things depicted are extremely far fetched, but I sat and sobbed through the whole episode.  Being in a similar situation nearly two months ago brought back so many memories. Memories that I'll never forget. It made realize, again, how much I hate Anencephaly and that it took my baby's life. 

Please don't mind while I go on a little rant here because some of the things presented in the show made me smile, but also really hurt and bothered me as a mother to Grace.  

After never having watched Private Practice before, I completely loved the fact the writers showed Amelia carrying her child in light of the fatal diagnosis. Anencephaly occurs in 1 in 1,000 births, and 3 in 10,000 live births.  Roughly 95%-98% of people who hear their baby has this condition will terminate the pregnancy for various reasons.  With those types of statistics, I was elated to see the writers have a doctor choose the pro-life stance.  Now I don't know the background as to her coming to terms with the diagnosis, but it made me smile to know that the writers showed Amelia's reaction and how she felt after having her baby in her arms even when she said she didn't want to see her baby.  There is nothing more beautiful than seeing God's creation in your arms, defect and all! 

Now what really tripped my trigger was the fact that Amelia kept referring to her baby as the "brainless baby." Every time I heard those words I wanted to curl up in a ball and die. I just hated the fact that they had the character keep focusing on what the baby didn't have and not looking at what was being beautifully created. To be fair, Grace wasn't born with a brain like you and I were, but I would never, in a million years call her "brainless." In fact, Grace had a brain-stem which allowed everything to grow and develop as any healthy baby.  How amazing is that? As I began to educate myself on what Grace would be born with, I found this picture in particular to help me better understand what she'd look like.  


 Also, Amelia wanted to donate her child's organs, which stirred up controversy in the hospital.  The other doctors felt strongly against "dismantling her baby for parts while he was still alive."  As she was talking with another doctor she stated, "Technically, a child with working brain stem can't be declared brain dead even though he'll never be able to walk, talk, move, or eat.  Even though he is missing the part of his brain that he needs to have a life... not just be alive, but have a life...to love, to think, to know words, and feelings, to be conscious..."  You see, Amelia wanted the transplant team to take her baby right away while he was alive so that he could help other babies in need. She even stated that she didn't want to see him and that the doctor needed to put a hat on him and take him away.  Truth be told, I totally understand how this character was feeling with the organ donation.  Beyond a miracle from God, which could have happened, we knew Grace wouldn't be here with us for very long.  I wanted so badly to donate her organs to help other children that were in need...that could have lived because of what Grace was able to provide and their mamas wouldn't have to feel the pain of losing their baby. When I was told I couldn't donate, I was so crushed, just as Amelia was. And for the record, my Gracie may not have not been able to do many of those things listed above, but I believe with my whole heart that she knew and felt my love and interacted with me throughout my whole pregnancy. I'm sure many other mamas with this diagnosis would agree!         

After she delivered her baby, Amelia changed her mind about wanting to see and hold her child.  The moment she held him in her arms, she smiled, took off his hat to see his head, and said, "He's the most beautiful baby I've ever seen!" While carrying Grace I was so nervous as to what she was going to look like. I studied her ultrasound photos to see how much of her forehead would be visible.  I wanted to know if her eyes would bulge and if I'd see her brain through her hat.  I wanted to prepare myself so that my time spent with her wasn't spent in shock and in tears.  How vain does that sound?...and it didn't even matter in the end. In all honesty, the moment she was set in my arms, all I could think was, she's the most beautiful baby I've ever seen! I just wish the nurses or I could have given her a bath after she had passed or cleaned her up better.  I never did take Grace's hat off, and looking back, I regret more than ever.  I wish she would have known that she was beautiful the way she was created and that her mommy loved her no matter what she looked like. 

Giving birth to your child is supposed to be one of the greatest days of your life as was stated in the show.  I often see pictures of women outside the hospital with their tummy dropped and their faces beaming with joy. The labor, pain, and stress are worth every ounce to them because they know in the end, their child will go home with them.  For me, giving birth to Grace was one of the worst and one of the best days of my life.  While I didn't have any pictures beaming with joy before I delivered her, and my pain and stress lasted for five months, I got to hold my unbelievably precious daughter, gaze into her eyes, and show her that she was 'worth it' for two hours...and that made it my very best day.

Amelia called her son her "unicorn baby."  She believed unicorns were magical and could do great things.  By donating his organs, she believed great things would happen because of all the lives that would be saved. I don't believe in magic, but Gracie is like my "unicorn baby." She wasn't given the opportunity to donate her organs; however, great things are happening due to her...Individuals starting to develop a relationship with Christ and reconfirming their faith in Him are just to name a few.  Amazing! Truly amazing. God has been doing a number on my heart, which is resulting in a different way that I live my life...all thanks to her! 

I pray that if you are a mommy out there with a decision to to carry or terminate your pregnancy, that God will help to open your eyes to see what a blessing your child can be in your life.  God showed me that my baby was worth it and great things will come in light of the heartache and pain... and I pray that He may show you the same!

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Thank You

It's been truly amazing to see the number of visits to Gracie's blog in the last day! 659 visits to be exact! Praise be to God!

One of my very best friends, Michelle, encouraged me to post the link on Facebook when I first started writing back in May.  Being the incredibly self-conscious person I am, responded back about how horrible of a writer I am and how I have spelling and grammatical mistakes up the wazoo. As any good friend would, she kept up the encouragement and explained that the mistakes didn't matter; Grace's story is what people will focus on.  I battled with the thought ever since she suggested it, and felt God telling me yesterday to go ahead and share it.  Waking up this morning to the number of visitors, e-mails, comments, and messages via Facebook about Grace's story made tears fall from my face. Come on people, like I didn't do enough crying yesterday.  Just kidding! :)

In all seriousness, I want to thank you all for taking the time to read about our (well, mostly my) journey with Grace.  I understand how busy your lives are and to sit and read about someone's life may be the last thing on your plate...and I get that.  But it is my hope, that through my writing, you may see the beauty in what God is doing through such a difficult time in my life. Never for one second will I take credit for the strength to continue on or the decision to carry our sweet Grace.  Yes, I ultimately had to submit to His will for me, but I couldn't be more thankful that He taught me what it means to be obedient.  I will say this over and over again, I've been so blessed for the opportunity to have my faith rocked to the core because it taught me to trust in Him even more.  I'm even more thankful for the opportunity to draw closer to Him and to know my Lord and Savior in a different light. And if He had to take away one of the things I wanted most so that my relationship with Him would change, so be it.  Perhaps, because the one thing I wanted most was a child and not a deeper relationship with Him was one of the reasons why this happened.  I may never know, and I'm perfectly okay with that.  I don't need to know the 'why' behind my journey.  I'm just thankful for the opportunity to see what I really want and need most in my life...a deeper, stronger relationship with Jesus Christ.


For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:11-13



Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Better is One Day in His Court

My Dearest Grace,
    I've been really struggling these past several days.  It seems as though I go down this dark path and I simply cannot control my emotions. Ask Grandma.  She got a taste of my emotions on Sunday.  There have been so many times where I feel like I have to hide my feelings because this world tells me to.  Sometimes I even feel like your daddy thinks I'm crazy because we'll be driving or eating and tears just pour down my face.  I know he understands my pain, but I don't think he gets it.  I don't want him to get it either.  There was a bond that you and I shared while I was carrying you that he was ever able to experience.  And maybe that bond was different between you and I because the doctors said you wouldn't be with us long.  But when I was carrying you, Grace, I was never physically alone. You were always there, through it all.  Do you remember all the conversations I had with you on the way to and from mommy's work?  I bet the people driving next to us thought I was a big werird-o, but I didn't mind because I was talking to you, my girl!  I often think back to when you and I would be sitting in bed and you'd make me laugh so much.  Your daddy would be sitting next to us watching television and you would move around so much that you would make me belly laugh.  He'd look at you and smile!  Maybe you were providing me that enjoyment then because you knew we'd never get to experience playtime here on Earth. And Grace, I so wish that weren't the case. I'd give anything to be watching your expressions come to life and to see you smile.  Why does life have to be so unfair at times? 

   When I was "At North" with all your family members, I was online and this lady that lost her son from Anencephaly too, showed me this one website that gives all this fun information about babies that were born on your birthday.  I looked at it again this morning and this is what I saw..."Babies born on 5/18/2012 will start kindergarten in 2017, be old enough to drive a car in 2028, finish high school in 2030, and will graduate from college with the class of 2034, give or take a year." Crazy to think of all those things, isn't it?  Maybe seeing reminders like that provide me more pain, but they are reminders that you were once here. You were born!  And to be honest Grace, I think your little life has made more of an imprint on this world than my twenty-seven years have. 

   Through the heartache and pain, I can't help but rejoice in the fact that I know you are with our Lord and Savior.  He provided us with you, our greatest blessing, and for that I am eternally grateful.  I pray that as the days turn into months, the months turn into years, that because of you, people come to know our Savior.  So many people have told me that because of you they have recommitted their faith to the Lord or that God has strengthened their faith because of you.  See what a blessing you are?

    I pray that I will never let you down as a mother, Grace.  I pray that the Lord convicts me of faults and failures daily.  As He is preparing our hearts to continue adding on to our family, God willing, know that you will NEVER be forgotten. And if the Lord blesses us with another child, please know that they will grow up knowing and loving their big sister to no end! I can promise you that, little one.

   A friend reminded me today that better is one day in His court than a thousand elsewhere.  I needed that reminder today more than ever and feel so blessed to have friends that I call women of God (Thanks Mehgan!).  I can't wait for the moment I can meet you in His court and we can lift our hands together, praising the One that wonderfully and fearfully created you, peanut!  Until then, know that you are ALWAYS in my heart and on my mind!  I love you sweet pea! Happy 8 weeks in Jesus' arms!

Love Always,
Me

Monday, July 16, 2012

"At North"

I've truly missed writing about Grace this past week since she was constantly on my mind.  You see, my immediate family travels to Kelly Lake or "At North" every year for a week getaway.  We spend most of our time playing on the water, fishing, making s'mores, playing games, watching movies, and eating!  In the past, our trip never really feels like a vacation because we make all our food and have to clean, just like we do at home.  When I think of a vacation, I think of the sun beating down on my face while I rest in a chair along side the ocean, listening to the waves crash beside me. I think about getting dressed up and walking down to dinner to be served a meal, or two for that matter. I enjoy listening to music, having a drink, and watching the happiness flow from everyone's faces. 

I love traveling, especially with my parents.  Since I was pregnant this year, Paul and I decided it would be best not to travel to Mexico like we've done in the past. Typically, we go with my parents between March and April (whenever my school's Spring Break falls).  I thought that time frame was way too close to my due date.  Plus, we never knew when God was going to call our Gracie home.  I feared not being able to feel her move in Mexico, and that is not a place I desired to have my baby.

I remember when Paul and I first found out we were expecting there was such a rush of excitement.  I jumped on the computer to plug in my last "not so nice friend" (as Paul would say because he hates the word period) into the computer to find that our blessing from above would be due May 19th (the anniversary of my grandma's passing).  I looked at him and said, "This year we will get to have one of our children with us up north.  How fun!"  Later in our conversations I went on to talk about how different our time up there would be with a little one.  I explained to him how my "tanning time" and lounging on the lake would gladly be given up to feed and spend time with the baby.  Paul joked about the fact that his "fishing time" with the guys would not be interrupted because he/she would be sound asleep for the night.  I just smiled, rolled my eyes, and thought that he had no idea what's in store for our new lives together...I guess, neither did I.

The time leading up to our trip was very difficult for me.  I have never been gone from the house over night since we brought her ashes home.  Deep down inside I felt like I was leaving her behind all alone.  I knew I wouldn't get to cut her flowers or be with her on the first Friday of our trip, like I've been every Friday since her birth.  I also knew my family would think I was even more of a nut if I brought her wooden box with me. So, I opted to tuck a picture frame of Grace and I together in my bag.  I set it on the nightstand beside our bed and held it close to my heart every chance I could get.  She was one of the very first and last things I thought of every morning and night, it's like that most of the time. Prior to leaving, I was also being taunted by the devil because I was so disappointed that we'd be the only ones without a kiddo to play with and worry about.  I'm not so sure why I felt like Paul and I wouldn't fit in with my family because I've never felt that way before. I knew I had to take my concerns to God or I would have gone into this trip spending a great deal of time alone in my bedroom. 

On the contrary, this trip was unlike any other that I've experienced in our five years of going up north.  Besides the weather being such a blessing to us, there was a calmness and peacefulness that surrounded me. There were many times that I slipped away or tried to hide my tears, but I felt God and Grace with me ALL the time.  More than ever, He showed me what a blessing each and every one of my family members are to me and how blessed I am to have them in my life.  Several times I watched people in the water laughing away, throwing out their lines when fishing, or just gazing up at the beautiful evening sky and thanked Him for my countless blessings.  There was one night in particular where my mom, dad, and I sat outside and talked for hours while my brother took his family out fishing.  It was beyond wonderful to listen to different music and carry on conversation with my parents about life. Spending quality time with people is my number one love language and I could feel God's love and my parents' love throughout our whole night.  These are the moments when I know where love comes from - For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16).      

I truly believe God has opened my eyes to many things since He chose us to carry Grace.  One of those eye openers is the realization that all of our days are numbered. And when I think about my time left here on Earth, I do not want to be wallowing in self-pity because He chose to take my baby before I intended Him to.  He never fails and turns my mourning into dancing while providing me with a different outlook on life.  I'm thankful for the constant reminders (sunsets, shining stars, laughter, smiles, crazy hair nights etc.) that our God is good and he loves us no matter what we are going through or how we are feeling.  I've been finding that when I think times are going to be rough and I relinquish my feelings to Him, He revels His glory, goodness, and love all the more!  


2nd Annual Crazy Hair Night







Friday, July 13, 2012

Another Friday

Another Friday with empty arms and missing her more and more as each day passes...


The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalms 34:18

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Never a Dull Moment

I don't think I've stopped moving since Saturday, well maybe just to sleep and to write now.  I guess that's a good thing because I'm actually getting things accomplished this summer.  I'm thankful I did not teach summer school because I would have went back to school feeling stressed out and that doesn't make for a good start.

What I didn't anticipate was having to work on our single family rental property this summer.  Our tenants moved out on Saturday and entering the house on Sunday was a complete shocker.  Personal items were left behind everywhere (bed, TV, dressers, treadmill etc), food still in the cabinets and on the floor, carpeting ruined with stains galore, hardwood floors scratched, and nothing had been cleaned.  After one of our tenants gave us permission to toss the belongings, we came across one of children's baby books.  It had his footprints, lock of hair, and memories of him growing up.  My heart sunk deep in my chest. How could someone just want to toss their stuff away before going through it?  Not to mention, something as sentimental as that!  I told Paul and my parents that I could not throw it away.  I said to Paul that I'd contact her and arrange for her to pick it up.  It was the right thing to do, even though they left us with this mess of a place.   

Do you ever feel like God guides you to the right place in the Bible because He knows your plans for the day? This is one instance where He was all over our situation.  Before Paul and I went over to our rental house on Sunday, I woke up early (we go to church on Saturday) to spend some time alone with God and to be in the Word.  Still reading in the book of Philippians, I came across Paul stating that we need to do everything without complaining or arguing and that our attitudes should be the same as that of Jesus Christ (2: 5 & 14).    Often times it's really easy to get swallowed up in negativity when something doesn't go the way you anticipated. I find that when I begin to complain it turns into an argument, either with myself internally or with someone else. 

Sunday was different.  I felt God's presence with us the entire day.  Paul and I sat on the porch stoop as we waited for people to come view the house.  Yes, I know.  I was utterly embarrassed to show them a house in total disrepair.   He and I began talking about what all needs to be repaired and I could sense that some complaining was coming.  So, I stopped the conversation and I shared with him what I read in the morning.

In the midst of having a house that is a money pit, I felt really blessed with all that He has provided us and wanted our attitudes to remain positive in light of what needed to be fixed. I was reminded that life isn't always going to go the way we have planned and that's because we aren't in control.  When things go south, we need to remember that our attitudes need to reflect that of Christ.  What a great example to live by!

After having Grace, I find that there really isn't anything worth complaining about. I don't even complain that she isn't here with me, even though I miss her terribly.  I attribute that to my Creator, because I know I'd be a BIG complainer if it wasn't for Him!

I'm so thankful that we have the Bible to help guide our thoughts and actions. Even though I fall short of how Christ would act or speak on a daily basis, He is what I strive to be like.  I want to live like Him and I pray for that daily.
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