Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Envious of Her

It's been 4 months since the birth of my precious Grace.  I honestly feel like I was just writing about it being her 3 month anniversary with Jesus.  Today was a good day, despite my longing to reunite with her. I wish I could tell her just one more time how much I love her and her cute button nose.  I woke up this morning asking the Lord to help me to find joy in my experience and not fixate on her missing from my life.  I didn't cry at all today besides on my way to work. I thank Him for that!


There are little things, or not so little things, that happen in our lives where we wonder if it was coincidence or the hand of God...I like to call them God-cidences.  This morning I got into my car to hear the morning  hosts gabbing away on K-LOVE.  As I made my way onto the freeway, the first song that airs is Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone).  Cue the tears!  Now, I know that song has NOTHING to do with my sweet pea and it has EVERYTHING to do with what God has blessed us...but it makes me think of her every time I hear it.  It's kinda hard not to when her name is in the song seven times.  And every time I hear the word grace, I am reminded that I am so unworthy of anything that He ever blesses me with.  He did not have to bless me with becoming pregnant and allowing a little life to form inside of me.  He didn't have to bless me with those two hours and seven minutes with her.  But because of His grace and loving-kindness, He DID!  Praise be to Him!

Today I'm rejoicing over her little life and the time she has been afforded to spend with her Savior. Our Savior that obeyed his Father and bore the cross so that our sins are washed away and so that we may spend an eternity with Him in heaven.  Because of His grace, we are SAVED!  

I'm not sure what heaven is like...most people don't.  I don't even fully know that I'll ever get to see my Gracie again for sure.  But I do know that in heaven we will find God our Father.  And anywhere he is, it is going to be one extravagant place - no hurt, no pain, no sorrow, no jealously...only joy and happiness.  My Gracie isn't hurting anymore and in His presence she has been made whole...not lacking anything.   I long for the day that my God completes me.  I remain envious of my little one because she was made whole before me (not the order any mother intends) and has been worshiping Him in all his splendor for 120 days.  I'd give anything for the roles to be reversed.  However,  I know she is in a much better place. 

Happy 4 months with Jesus, sugar! <3 Mama

Monday, September 17, 2012

Strato & Reg: BFFs

These past couple of weeks have just flown by.  I'm not exactly sure where the time has gone.  School started two weeks ago.  Every year it seems as though we always have a heat wave that strikes on the first several days back. Bless the children's hearts... they came in their full uniforms ready to learn.  They looked mighty sharp, even with the beads of sweat dripping from their foreheads.  It never fails though, the first couple weeks back always tuckers me out.  My bed is looking mighty comfortable right about now!

I'm not a fan of this writing once a couple of weeks.  Since I've headed back to work for professional development at the beginning of August and remodeling our rental property has consumed any free time I had, writing about my journey has taken a backseat.  I truly dislike that the one thing I love doing so much has gone to the wayside.  Thankfully, our new tenants have moved into a newly remodeled house and I can have my weekends back, along with time to write.

I feel horrible for talking about getting MY weekends back when my gracious parents (Strato & Reg) have devoted their entire summer to helping Paul and I around our rental. The weekend after I had Grace (May 26th) we were over there working on the yard until our old tenants moved out. Since that day, we have been over there working in some capacity every weekend.  Whether it was scraping off layers upon layers of wallpaper, gutting the entire bathroom down to the studs, patching, painting, refinishing the floors, hanging blinds, cleaning, yard work etc. they were there helping us, every step of the way. Paul even coined my mom the "General Contractor" because she often seemed like she wanted to take over and would send us lists of items that needed to be taken care of around the house, just in case we (well, mostly Paul) forgot.  In all honesty, she knows my husband to a T.  It's kinda scary. Things just don't always go as planned with Paul.  Something comes up that he least expects and problems occur (not by his doing) but it results in a time crunch in the end of any project.  My dad and mom left roughly twenty minutes before the U-Haul pulled up and our tenants moved in.  Talk about down to the wire. 

My parents were there.  They are always there...no matter what.  I am beyond blessed to have such selfless parents.  And I say that with tears running down my face.  I cannot even begin to express how much their presence in my life truly means.  I know this may sound silly, but my parents are my best friends.  Paul and I thoroughly enjoy spending our time with them.  In fact, it is a rare occasion if we don't see them at least once throughout the weekend.  This past weekend...we saw them EVERY day.  I love spending time with them for countless reasons.  They are real and honest with us.  They challenge our marriage and make us both want to become better people.  And... they are the best people in the world to travel with!  I pray that one day I can be as loving and selfless to my children as they are to us.    

I will never forget when my graduating class in college was being honored for high academic achievement.  Both my parents and soon to be husband were present in the audience that evening cheering me on. I remember when it was my turn to receive my rope, I looked to where the three of them had been sitting and my dad was gone.  My heart sank and I instantly became saddened.  I thought to myself, oh no, he's in the bathroom and won't see walk across the stage to receive my rope.  When I made my way to the front, there my dad was...front and center, with his camera in hand, ready to snap a picture.  Having that panic attack on stage made me realize how much it means to have them apart of my successes, failures, and trails in life.  I'm so thankful that they are willing to sacrifice their time to be visible and apart of whatever life brings my way.

Reflecting back on the course of this past year, I couldn't be more appreciative of the love and support that was given to Paul and I by my parents.  It still makes me smile to this day how often my dad would touch my stomach to feel Grace move.  Of course she was a little stinker and never moved when he was trying to feel her.  I will never forgot the night of May 17th when my water broke and I called my mom in shock. I remember thinking to myself, this isn't supposed to happen.  I was told "these babies" typically don't induce labor on their own. My mom even responded to me, "Are you sure?  Maybe you should just wait a little while."  As I stood with fluid running down my leg, I knew this was the real deal.  At 11:50am (10 minutes after we arrived in the hospital) they entered my delivery room with a coffee in hand.  They both looked extremely exhausted, but were ready to be there as I experienced the most difficult day of my life.  As Paul fell asleep on the couch (ha ha) my mom and dad sat by my side and held my hand as I endured my contractions one by one.  My mom was even there while I pushed and pushed for three hours and became very edgy with her garlic breath and repetitive saying of, "Bare down."  All I did was complain about how hungry I was and the desire to drink orange soda.  Paul and my mom didn't say one word, but laughed, and just kept shoving ice chips in my mouth and putting cold compresses on my head.  

I'm still in awe that they both took a week off (at the same time) to care for me after I delivered Grace. Some of the best days of my life were during that week and it was because we simply talked and spent time together. If you haven't gathered...my love language is quality time!  Their presence always seems to fill my love tank and for that I am thankful.

I'm not so sure what life is going to be like when the Lord calls either of them home.  I know that my world will be shattered...again.  I'm not going to think about that now because I honestly get choked up and cry uncontrollably.  Paul has already witnessed my emotional thinking and probably thinks I need to join the looney bin. Truth be told, he brought that topic up once and began crying himself.  I pray all the time that our Lord will bless us with many opportunities to build memories and to continue to deepen our relationship with my parents.  I am blessed beyond measure to have such wonderful, God fearing parents! 



Gracie loves her grandparents, too!
 

Friday, September 14, 2012

Needing Support?

My heart will never be mended.  The hole will never be filled. No future child (God willing) will ever replace her.  I look at the pictures taken after she was born every Friday and I am eternally grateful for them. Every time I open the album, tears stream from my face.  It happens every. single. time.  They are only pictures I'll ever have of her and I'm certain I'll ever get tired of looking at them.  As I scroll through the album, I think about what a miracle she is...fearfully and wonderfully knit together by Him!  How could anyone not believe in God when they see a face of a child? God's grace at its finest!

I am still amazed to this day how He could entrust Paul and I with her. Why us?  I feel so honored to be given the opportunity to be someone's mother, even if it was for only two hours and seven minutes here on Earth. When I truly think about what we (and many other parents) are faced with, I fully believe He selects special individuals to love on babies that results in turning a family's life upside down. I take that responsibility that he bestowed upon us with great pride.  My only hope is that I have and will continue to bring all the glory to Him.  He was my Rock that kept me grounded, my Strength that I needed when I thought I couldn't go on, and my Refuge from the storm.

About a month or so ago, I joined two support groups.  One is a pro-life, Anencephaly online support group for people that are faced with a diagnosis such as Grace's (https://www.facebook.com/groups/anencephaly.info/). It makes me cringe every day that I see the number of members continue to rise. I've met some incredibly courageous women and feel so blessed to have become " online friends" with many of these ladies.  I love that there are other women out there that have endured my pain and can tell me that my feelings are "normal."  Another group is called Grieve Beautifully started by a women who also lost her son Isaac to Anencephaly (https://www.facebook.com/groups/137107676316075/).  She is the one that made my beautiful baby boards and car deal (will post pictures soon).  There is a bond that is shared among the women in these communities and I'm so thankful that I've come across them.  These groups allow me to be vulnerable and I have no fear of holding back what I'm thinking or going through...because they "get it."  

I have to say that I'm disappointed that doctors/genetic counselors know so little about support groups and connecting their patients to additional resources.  I was pointed to one group within the hospital I delivered and it was shared with me by the care team that helped create a birth plan for Grace.  I wish more than ever that I would have been directed to the Anencephaly support group after my ultrasound (Diagnosis Day: D-Day). Many ladies that have walked down the same path share so many wonderful ideas they did while pregnant and after the birth in order to bond and build memories with their child.  There are women that knit hats special hats for our babies.  People share websites, books, articles, and acknowledge your child's heavenly birthday.  I found out that there is even a ministry that provides FREE 3-D ultrasounds to parents that are given a fatal diagnosis of their child!  This way the parents have an opportunity to bond while the child is still in the womb. Boy, I would have LOVED to have an image of Grace while she was inside of me.  The regular ultrasounds are so hard to decipher exactly what is what. What a blessing that ultrasound can be to parents!

I am saddened that I didn't plan a variety of things to do with Grace in the hospital like many of these women had.  All I did was gaze into her eyes and held her close.  I would have liked to put Grace's footprint in my Bible over Psalm 139: 13-15 and Jeremiah 1:5.  I wish I would have thrown her a party by making her a cake and letting her taste something sweet.  I wished I would have been more forceful after my nurse said they don't wash babies when they are like this or after they have passed.  I wanted to bathe my daughter for Pete's sake and rub lotion over her body.  I wished I would have taken my photographer up on the offer of her taking pictures of Grace alone...in her cute little dress that her grandpa and grandma purchased her (see pictures below taken by our postpartum nurse).  And I truly wish I would have taken her hat off and held her head close to my body.  Conversations surface about our babies and their brains or lack there of.  I so wish that I would have known how much of her's was present and that I could have snapped a picture of her brown hair on the back of her sweet head.

Daddy taking care of his girl
Smiling through the tears
I will always beat my self up for the things I didn't do or the things I wish I would have said to her while she was alive.  But I am leaping for joy that the ladies that share these ideas in this support group were able to create those moments that they will never forget.  I cherish the time and opportunity to of held my girl in my arms for those two unforgettable hours while she was alive.  And for that... I am forever grateful!

I know that I have a wide variety of readers...some from countries I've never even heard of!  But, if you are a parent that has chosen to carry your blessing to term knowing the diagnosis, I highly recommend getting connected with a support group.  I never thought I would feel so welcomed and cared for. You never know...you may bless another parent with a love that they've never experienced on such a difficult journey.  



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