Tuesday, October 30, 2012

When a Heart Breaks




When a Heart Breaks - Ben Rector

I woke up this morning
And I heard the news
I know the pain of a heartbreak
I don't have answers
And neither do you
I know the pain of a heartbreak

This isn't easy
This isn't clear
And you don't need Jesus
Til you're here
Then confusion and the doubts you had
Up and walk away
They walk away
When a heart breaks

I heard the doctor
But what did he say
I knew I was fine about this time yesterday
I don't need answers
I just need some peace
I just need someone who could help me get some sleep
Who could help me get some sleep

This isn't easy
This isn't clear
And you don't need Jesus
Til you're here
Then confusion and the doubts you had
Up and walk away
They walk away
When a heart breaks

This isn't easy
This isn't clear
And you don't need Jesus
Til you're here
Then confusion and the doubts you had
Up and walk away
They walk away
When a heart breaks


I heard this song several days after we discovered Grace was diagnosed with Anencephaly.  I hear the same song 10 months later and my heart still remains broken.

Lord, I ask you to please help mend this aching heart.  I beg you!  I would have never imagined this road I'm walking to be as difficult as it is.  It seems so dark and I feel so alone. I know You are the only One that can light my path and heal this broken heart.  Please bring it and me back to life.  I'm not the same..by a long shot. I know this song implies that people don't need you until they are experiencing heartache, but Lord we...I need You all the time.  I am so thankful for your faithfulness and unfailing love when I constantly hit rock bottom.  Continue to walk along side of me as I journey through this life with empty arms and heartache.  Lord, You are Enough for me and my heart desires more of You.  Help me to keep my eyes and heart fixed on You all the days of my life.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

She Has My Heart

Missing you more and more, my sweet girl!
It is very hard to believe that only five months ago my sweet angel baby was snuggled up in my arms.  Around this time, I was changing her into her beautiful pink dress that her grandpa and grandma had purchased her and was singing "You Are My Sunshine."  I often sang that song to her while I was carrying her.  The day after we received her diagnosis, I couldn't seem to get myself out of bed.  I think my body was so mentally and physically drained from all the crying I had done the day before.  I remember sitting up in my bed and began to sing her the song.  I worked my way to, "You'll never know dear, how much I love you.  Please don't take my sunshine away," and I completely lost it. She was being taken away from me way before I had anticipated...my sunshine, my little peanut that made me happy when skies were gray.  I felt like I began my grieving/mourning right then and there...and continue to each and every day of my life.  

The day of her birthday was a complete whirlwind.  I was blessed with an unbelievable amount of strength and peace, but all the events flew by.  Oh, I just wished time would have stood still. She was such a beautiful sight to see and her warm touch made my heart skip a beat.  God's grace was wrapped into her sweet little face and it brought tears to my eyes. 

As I look back on our beautiful pictures of her arrival into this world, I can't help but notice that she was never set down while she was alive. Kelly captured moments of joy and sorrow on our faces, but she was nestled up close to the ones that would show her the most love here on this side of heaven.  Our sweet pea passed away peacefully in the arms of her daddy and made her way to her heavenly Father's arms.  She was safe with us and is even safer with Him.  In one day she experienced so much...and here I thought I went through a lot on her diagnosis day.   I'm so thankful for those two hours and seven minutes with her wrapped up close to my heart.  Even though I can't snuggle up to her here, I know He's got her and she will always have my heart.

Your mama loves you, little one.  Continue dancing for Him.  I'm one day closer to joining you!  I love you a bushel and a peck! <3

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

October 15th: A Day of Remembrance

In October of 1988, President Ronald Reagan proclaimed October as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. He said, "When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn't a words to describe them. This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the United States and the world. It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS, and other causes."  

Although the whole month is dedicated to this awareness, October 15th was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I think it's safe to say that most individuals that have suffered any type of miscarriage/infant loss would confidently admit that they don't just remember their baby/babies on one particular day throughout the year. I know my daughter is on my mind multiple times throughout each and every day. We honor the losses and survivors of breast cancer the by wearing pink ribbons, right?  Why should it be any different for parents and other individuals to honor pregnancy and infant losses? Too many families grieve in silence and never share or come to terms with their loss. I truly believe this day is to to let others know you are not alone. 


Throughout the week, I spammed my Facebook account by sharing information about the day of remembrance and the Wave of Light in hopes others would participate, whether or not they have suffered a loss.  I'm pretty confident that I've been unchecked in the "show in feed" from plenty of people's pages since all I post are images of Grace, my family, blog updates, and references to my faith in Jesus Christ.  I'm okay that in all honestly.  It bring a smile to my face, however, to see how many ladies are there by my side, "liking" my photos and encouraging me through their sweet messages. I am blessed to have them in my life!


Once 7:00pm rolled around for the Wave of Light, I received several picture messages from loved ones showing me their candles burning.  I lit my candle at 7:00pm and had it burning for the whole hour until 7:00pm hit within another time zone...hence the wave of light. =)  I most definitely failed to mention that to several people. Oops!  Below are some of the images that I received as family and friends remembered our sweet Grace, their own losses, and other babies that have gone before us.  I felt so blessed to have these images as a reminder that little lives, no matter if they come out of the womb or not, make a difference in the lives of other individuals.  How fitting that October is also Respecting Life month as well. =)





There was some sort of healing that occurred the moment I lit my candles that evening.  My living room was pitch black and I had set several tea lights in my container to represent the passing of different babies.  One by one, I turned the switch on my lighter and watched the flame hit each individual wick.  The more I lighted, the more the light lit up the room.  I was in awe how several tiny little candles could give off so much light. 

Darkness is the absence of light. As I took a step back, I realized that there have been times throughout my journey where I felt like I was surrounded by total darkness. I asked God countless times, "Why me...why us?" The more I questioned, the darker and more upset I became at life's events.  I began to dive deeper and deeper in the Word to draw near to the One I knew could get me out of my darkness.  I began memorizing passages and repeated them over and over in my head throughout the day.  When I felt the weight of the world crashing down, I had these verses that would carry me through my rough times.  The more I clung to the One that would lift me high above any circumstance, I truly began to see the light that took me out of my darkness. He is the true light that gives light to every man. 


That night I began to wrap my mind around the fact that this world is a dark place filled with devil lurking around us.  It truly saddens me that this world even has to have a month to remember pregnancy and infant loss.  However, the truth of the matter is that we have to be those lights for our Creator.  He may light up your life because you have a relationship with Him, but there are plenty of children, teens, and adults that do not know our Lord as we may.   


So on October 15th, I recommitted myself to being a light for Him so that others may see Him the way I do...even when I am experiencing dark times.  As I think back to one of my favorite songs as a child, I remember, "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine... Let it shine, Let it shine, Let it shine...."  Oh do I wish I would have heard Grace's sweet little voice sing that tune. Even as children, we were asked to let His light shine by sharing the gospel.  And even as adults, we are called to be the light of world so others may here the Good News of Jesus Christ.  We have to let that light shine so that others will be saved and given the gift of salvation!


Know that I'm praying for you if you are currently going through darkness and are struggling to find the light.  I pray that He may wrap His loving arms around you and that you may feel His warm and tight embrace.  We serve a mighty God that will not leave nor forsake us and I know He has never left me on my journey. He won't leave you either.  When I feel like there is no one else to turn to, there He stands...with his arms wide open. Run to Him, dear child! 


Will you join me in letting your light shine for Christ?

Monday, October 15, 2012

A Walk to Remember



October 7th marked the annual Walk to Remember down at Milwaukee's lakefront.  This event was created during the month of October (October 15th: Pregnancy and Infant Remembrance Day) in order to remember those little lives that have gone before us.

I heard of this walk from Jessica, a dear friend that I went to high school with.  Jessica and I lost contact throughout our years of college but still remained "Facebook friends."  When I posted a picture of my pregnant belly, Jessica wrote me a wonderful message that wished Paul and I congratulations.  I wrote her a message back thanking her and informing her of Grace's diagnosis. Much to my surprise, she had suffered a loss of her own while carrying her daughter, Lillian.  Lillian didn't have any fatal birth defects, but she did not have any amniotic fluid surrounding her. Without her being surrounded in fluid, Lillian's lungs wouldn't develop.  Jessica ended going into labor at 21 weeks and delivered a beautiful little girl who now rests in the arms of our loving Savior.  After several messages back and forth, a bond formed again.  She and I united over the unfortunate events of our daughters both passing.  Jessica remained in contact with me throughout my pregnancy and still to this day.  She has such a sensitive heart and understands how a woman grieves. I often believe she should go into grief counseling.  She and I pass on information such as our Hearts to Hold and Molly Bears (will post at a later date) websites, quotes, and other supportive information.  I was so thankful she informed me of this walk because it meant that I was able to see her and give her a hug for how much she's been apart of my journey.



I asked my friend Kirsten if she'd like to join me on the walk.  She accepted my invitation and I was beyond ecstatic.  She and I met at Alterra for lunch/coffee prior to the walk and then made our way to the location.  As we approached our meeting area, I instantly saw Jessica holding onto the stroller of her beautiful 5 month old son, Riley. Her other children were playing off in the distance and her husband stood proudly next to her.  Oddly enough, Jessica's husband works at the same company my twin brothers do.  I was able to greet Jessica with a hug (sometimes I forget other people may not feel comfortable with me doing that) and she introduced us to her family.  Jessica had mentioned that she has gotten something for Paul and I and would bring it to the walk with her.  She held our her hand and gave me these two precious bracelets to remember our first loss and our sweet Gracie.




Jessica directed Kirsten and I inside to obtain a kite pin, a bulletin for the service, and to sign the kite that will be flown after the walk to remember our loved ones.



The service began shortly after we made our way back outside.  A lady sung a beautiful song that made almost everyone in the place tear up and asked for those that wished to shout out their child's name to do so.  The mile walk began on our slightly chilly day.  As people held quilt squares in their arms, I wrapped myself up in Grace's quilt made by her sweet Auntie Kara.




As the walk came to an end, we approached a hill filled with tons of people that had walked in remembrance of an angel.  I was in awe to witness the amount of families and individuals that were there in support.  It truly warmed my heart to see the love that filled the lakefront.  The service continued on the hill with everyone's quilt square laid out on the ground while the kite flew above our heads. It was a beautiful site to see, despite knowing each of those quilt squares represented so much pain and hurt.



Instead of focusing on the hole in my heart, I took away one word from that day. HOPE. Seeing so many families with little ones running around made me smile from ear to ear.  There was laughter and joy that spewed from the mouths and hearts of many people.  I realized that I can't dwell on the past and think that my next pregnancy will result in the same suffering.  My hope rests in my Lord and Savior and I will put my full trust in Him all the days of my life.  I'm learning to be still and let Him guide me through this life as He pleases.

A very special thank you to Kirsten and Jessica for joining me on this amazing experience!  I will continue to walk in memory of those who have gone before us and are in a much, much better place. See you next year...October 6th, 2013! <3

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

His Sweet Embrace


I posted  this picture on my blog of a beautiful Gerbera daisy I purchased for my sweet daughter on August 13th.  For those of you just learning of Grace's story, she was born on a Friday....Friday, May 18th to be exact.  Friday's still remain to be bitter-sweet.  I miss my girl more than words will ever convey, but I fully believe she is not suffering and is praising the One that knit her in my womb and fearfully created her.

When my mom and I went to pick up her ashes at the funeral home, there was a beautiful pink rose bush right as you entered/exited the doors.  Even though part of me didn't want to pick roses off the bush due to it being somewhat rude, I deeply desired my girl to have flowers on top of her wooden box.  Ironically enough, I've never been one to like the color pink.  I always thought it was so cliche to buy baby girls everything in pink.  How boring!  The moment we heard we were having a girl, my heart instantly changed.  I purchased a pink fleece jacket, all her blankets were pink, her dress and outfit my mom and I purchased her was pink, and my toes were painted pink the day of her birth.  Now, I simply love the color pink!  As we walked passed the bush on the way out of the funeral home, I looked at my mom and stopped dead in my tracks.  I smiled and said, "Let's pick some for her."  With delight in her eyes, she dug her fingernail deep into the stem of three beautiful roses and set them on top of her box nestled in my arms.

When I saw this daisy at Pick N Save, I instantly grinned, thought of my little beauty, and remembered it was Friday.  Since I've gone back to work, the hustle and bustle of my everyday life keeps me from doing many of the things I loved doing during my summer break.  That was the last day that I've treated her to something special.  I feel horrible for that.  Since then, her daisy was placed in a larger container and set on the front porch.  Every time I pulled in and out of our driveway, I saw her beautiful flower growing away and it made me smile.  She's home - in heaven, in our home, and in my heart forever!

After planting her flower in a new container, it began to grow before my eyes.  Every time new buds would form,  two daisies would spring up at the same time, every time.  They were beautiful, pink, and reminded me of my daughter awaiting my arrival in heaven.  As the crisp autumn air arrived, I knew my flowers around the yard were surely going to die off.  I awoke one brisk morning this month to find all my annuals dead before my eyes.  I was very disappointed that my yard would no longer be filled with  such vibrant color and I knew that meant Grace's daisy would be dead too.  As I approached my front porch in anticipation, I began to pray. Lord, I'm not ready for her flower to be gone...not yet! Please allow me to delight in the beauty you've created for a little while longer.  I turned the corner of our house and there it was...alive and as beautiful as ever.  Two pink daisies stood tall and two buds were forming below. Isn't her flower a beautiful sight?


Since the weather continues to grow colder, I've decided that I will bring her plant inside throughout the night. I know our Lord has a sense of humor, but I'm sure the request of keeping Grace's flower alive may become a little redundant. Is it strange that I look at this Gerbera daisy and can't help but praise God?  Every time I gaze at this flower with the two daisy heads standing straight, I think of her standing tall next to her Lord and Savior.  I think of a sweet little girl with her hands raised high, worshiping the One that has loved her with everlasting love; the One that has been faithful and continues to be each and every day.

I think about the fact that her flower should have died and began to wither away just as my other annual flowers had that night. But it didn't!  It was ALIVE, just as He is! Throughout this journey, I often felt like I was going to wither away and die - spiritually, physically, and emotionally.  I didn't know how I was going to make it four months knowing my arms would remain empty in the end.  There were times I was ready to give up, to throw in the towel, to call it quits.  I often felt like the darkness was caving in and I wasn't going to make it.  My Lord continued to remind me that He knows the plans for us...for Paul, Grace, and me.  He has plans that will prosper us, not harm us.  Plans that will bring us hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11).  He continued to surprise me by the peace, joy, and steadfast love that I felt each and every day prior, during, and after her birth.  He showed that carrying my daughter was not a burden because of her "incompatible with life" diagnosis, but that I was especially chosen to carry her for a reason - a reason I may not know on this side of heaven.  He helped me to see that I was to embrace each and every day of her life inside of me and to think of it as a gift only from Him.  I took on that honor on with great pride and joy. My Father never ceases to amaze me!  He always sweetly whispers in my ear that He's got me and will not let me wither away...ever!  He's got me, he's got her, and he's got YOU wrapped in His sweet embrace.    

Monday, October 1, 2012

His Perfect Grip

It's been a rough couple of weeks.  I'm having a hard time understanding my hurt inside.  Just when I feel like moving ahead, I get blind sided by a wave of grief.  I feel like I am deemed a total freak since I still have days that I cry and struggle to get out of bed.  I still get the long stare from Paul as he tries to figure out if the black mascara running down my face is actually from crying or just rubbing my face.

I never imagined all the emotions and feelings that would surface from this journey.  Paul and I are learning quickly that we are having a difficult time understanding how each other is coping with our loss.  Men and women grieve very differently...as we do everything else in this world.  He doesn't understand my need to talk about her...all the time, buy things in remembrance of her, and read books/blogs about other women's stories.  He feels that I'm not moving forward and that I'm not joyous about her being in a better place.  I don't understand his desire not to talk about her, to not want things around our house to remember we have a daughter, and why I'd give anything for her to in my arms again...healed and healthy and not where she currently is.


Out of several books or blogs I've read, it seems like the topic of a struggling marriage after a loss is somewhat taboo. The authors always seem to dance around the topic of what a marriage endures. And I fully understand that the reason these authors, mainly women, probably never share such intimate details is because a marriage should have privacy.  I'm the first to say that I am very closed off about what goes on between Paul if I don't really know the person I'm talking to. But at the same time, if no one is ever willing to talk about how difficult it is, people will feel like they are the only ones having a hard time. 


My marriage with Paul is by no means ending or in troubled waters...for those of you that are concerned.  There are areas (as does any couple) that are needing improvement.  In fact, I fully believe that through the birth and loss of our beautiful daughter, I have let down many walls that I've had up over the years.  And even though I am able to open up about how I'm feeling about certain things, that still doesn't mean I know how to communicate well with him.  Through many conversations with my dear friends, I'm learning that there is an art to this whole communication thing and that we have a lot of work ahead of ourselves. We are both invested in our marriage and have communicated several times about seeking out Christian counseling.  I'm eager to see our relationship transform into understanding and for us both to grow and heal together.

God has got His perfect grip on us.  He has not forsaken us and I'm certain He will walk with us as we learn to better our marriage...for Him and ourselves.  I don't believe for one second that God would include a failed marriage in his plan with Grace. I fully believe with my whole heart that He brought us together.  And as a result, He has given us one incredible testimony to his faithfulness as we walk through our valley.  His will for our lives is unknown, but I'm thankful for this union and the greatest blessing he has bestowed upon us...our daughter, Grace. Even though we may go through hard times together as a married couple as a result to her birth/death, she's worth it all! 

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