Thursday, November 29, 2012

Roots of Gratitude

It seems so weird that Thanksgiving has come and gone in what seems like blink of an eye.  I still haven't been feeling up to par and spent most of my Thanksgiving in bed sleeping.  The other half was spent at Paul's grandparent's house and my parents in the evening.  Since I slept until almost 2:30 that day, I was wide awake in the evening (which is VERY unlike me).  After looking through the Black Friday ads, I convinced Paul to go out with me. It didn't take much convincing.  He is a night owl and loves when I'm up for doing something out of the norm. There wasn't anything we truly needed or wanted, but I wanted to experience what this whole shopping craze was like.  We headed to the mall to look at some tools for Paul and wound up walking out of Sears ten minutes later because he didn't like what he saw on sale.  I had been toying around with the idea of picking up sewing because Kara (a dear friend) sews her little heart.  She made me the most beautiful Christmas pillow last year and made Grace's beautiful quilt.  I thought it would be something fun to bond over and to be able to create one of a kind gifts for people.  There's something about a handcrafted gift that makes my heart skip a beat.  When Kara blesses me with her gifts and thoughtfulness is melts my heart because I know she took time to work on something for me and she has impeccable taste.  My hope is to pass on what she has blessed me with, so that I may too make others feel the same way.  Walmart had a Singer sewing machine on sale and since I don't know ANYTHING about sewing, I thought I'd go take a peak at it.  Paul and I made our way to the closest Walmart around midnight and our mouths hung open as we pulled into the parking lot.  As found a spot and walked into the store, I continued to stand in awe.  The lines for the check- out weaved their way throughout the entire store.  Carts were packed full and people were dashing around the store like crazy.  I was utterly amazed.  Needless to say we did not stay there for long and made our way home empty handed, but happy to have spent time laughing and being in each others presence. I love my hubby!

The whole concept of Black Friday after Thanksgiving really got me thinking.  I find it funny that one day is dedicated to recognizing our gratitude for our blessings and then hours later we (including myself) are out trying get the best deals on whatever we want or may need...sometimes forgetting what we were just thankful for.

As I laid in bed that evening, I began praying and asking God to help me be more aware of the blessings bestowed on me and to thank him daily for those blessings no matter what the circumstances may be.  Looking back over the course of this year, I have so much to be thankful for even though our little girl couldn't be with us. I am most thankful my renewed faith and relationship I have with the One that gave me life.  I believe I had to walk through this valley in order to realize that my relationship with God wasn't anywhere it should be.  I was broken and my heart was shattered when we heard the news of her diagnosis.  I know some people would have turned their back on God over such a difficult situation, but the circumstance allowed me to call out to Him even more.  He made me realize that He was the only one going to carry me through my trail and show me what it means to submit and surrender. He constantly reminded me that He would not forsake me.

I'm so thankful for being chosen to carry such an unbelievably unique and precious little girl. I know our story is no where near the story of Mary in the Bible, as she was chosen by God to give birth to his Son, Jesus, but I'd like to look at one similarity.  God hand selected her to be the mother of our Lord and Savior.  What an unbelievable gift! I felt very much like Mary because He selected ME to be the mother to Grace...and my dear friend Lisa always reminded me of that. I felt so blessed that He entrusted me with a life so fragile and knew that I would be equipped to be her mama.

I'm thankful for the understanding that God has a plan for me and that I need to be still and know that He is in full control...in control over the good and not so good in my life; always remembering that the not so good happenings can bring divine goodness, grace, and mercy into sharper focus.  Lisa Harper states her a recent blog post for Women of Faith, "I’m learning that the roots of gratitude grow deepest in the sober soil of remembering how hopeless my life is without God." This was the year that taught me how much I need Him in my daily life...not just when times are rough, but all the days of my life.  Oh thank you, Lord, for saving a wretch like me! Thank you for being my rock to which I always cling!  



Oh, God, when I have food
help me to remember the hungry;
When I have work, help me
to remember the jobless;
When I have a warm home,
help me to remember the homeless;
When I am without pain,
help me to remember those who suffer;
And remembering, help me
to destroy my complacency
and bestir my compassion.
Make me concerned enough
to help, by word and deed,
those who cry out
for what we take for granted.

~ Samuel. F. Pugh

"For I was hungry and you gave Me food, I was thirsty and you gave Me drink. I was a stranger and you welcomed Me..." - Matthew 25:35

Monday, November 19, 2012

Lovin' on Gracie

I still can't get over the fact that it's been 6 months since our little darling was snuggled up in her hospital blanket. I still take her blanket out of her chest where it is folded up in a plastic bag and wrap my face in it.  I draw in a deep breath to take in the sweet smell that still lingers within.  Looking at that blanket reminds me what a little fighter she was and it brings a smile upon my face.  On the edge of it there is a dried blood stain from where her sweet head rested.  The blood had soaked through her hat, onto the blanket, and even onto me.  My mom washed the blood out of a bonnet she had on and offered to take those home as well, but I declined the offer.  It was the only blanket and hat that she would ever able to leave her mark on and I wanted to keep it exactly the way it was!

The days leading up to her anniversary were filled with joy and happiness.  I felt like it was the first month where I was excited to celebrate her entering eternity.  I want to send a special thank you to any of my readers that had us in your prayers as Sunday approached.  I believe with my whole heart because of so many individuals out there who joined us in prayer throughout our journey, He has heard and answered every single one, along with walking with me every step I've taken...and when I stumble and go back ten steps, He's right there with me.  There are so many people in our lives that showed their love for us and our little girl yesterday that it took my breath away...from the early morning phone calls, text messages, e-mails, cards, prayers, and other remarkable things...THANK YOU!  Your thoughtfulness and consideration remind us how we want to live out our lives...to show others what Christ's love looks like.  

As I was speaking to, Michelle, one of my best friends since second grade on Saturday, she told me about this beautiful statue of an angel that wasn't to far from where she lived...it was called Angel of Hope.  On Sunday, I received this beautiful picture of the angel from her in remembrance of Gracie's 6 month anniversary.  She purchased pale pink roses (which her mom said meant "Grace") and placed them under the gorgeous statue.  I tried to look closely at the picture because I thought she had gotten her 6 roses for her 6 month anniversary.  As I zoomed in, I was struck by how many more I thought I saw. Michelle confirmed and she purchased her a DOZEN.  In all my almost twenty-eight years, I have never received that many beautiful roses.  I was blown away by her love for my little girl. 

When she sent me this picture, I remembered Romans 5:4-5, which says, "And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love" (NLT). Hope of salvation...hope that will NOT lead to disappointment...God loves us! What beautiful reminders on the anniversary of her entering eternity!  Praise be to Him!



 A very special thank you to my best friend, Micki, for lovin' on our sweetie pie!  You exuded selflessness and constantly help me to see that life is about making those around you feel loved and adored. Thank you helping me see the areas that I change so that I may too, build treasures in Heaven.  You've been such a wonderful Auntie to Grace and an unbelievable support system throughout this journey. LYLAS! Muahh!  

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Not A Mistake

Sweetie Pie,
  I saw this on another Anencephaly mom's website.  I'm sure you've met handsome Colin already, but it was his mama who posted this picture.  The moment I saw this, I wept.  I can't tell you how many times your daddy and I sat in prayer asking God to bless us with you.  He heard those prayers, Grace, and he answered!  He answered by delivering you to us...one gift that has accomplished SO much!

Honey, I am so sorry that I even hesitated for a moment when the doctor told us our options, because you weren't a mistake.  No child is! You were created for a purpose and your days (or hours) were numbered just like mine are.  I sit and mull over that thought all the time.  I thank God daily for placing and using certain individuals in my life to light my path during that time...to revel God's glory and to allow me to understand how precious life is and that it wasn't in my power to end your life.  I thank God for the pictures I saw on the internet that sparked the reality of what I was considering. I thank Him for those long, tear-filled conversations with your daddy and grandma shortly after your diagnosis.

You see, I think every. single. part of that was in God's plan for me.  Because of the unbelievable blessing of you Grace, my faith and grown and matured so much.  He has used YOUR life to reach and change me and I fully believe most mothers cannot say that about their child. I pray, Grace, that you can forgive me of my thoughts and know you were not mistake. I pray that you may know how thankful I am for those short two hours where you rested in my arms and how I blessed  felt to be able to gaze and touch every inch of sheer perfectness.  Tomorrow it will be your 6 month anniversary spent in Heaven, little one.  It seems like just yesterday I was holding you in my arms!  I want you to know that I love you more than words could ever convey!  Until we meet again, keep on praising Him!  <3

In Him,
Mama       

Friday, November 16, 2012

My Friday With Grace

No joke, shortly after parent-teacher conferences every single year, I get sick. I thought maybe this year would be different since I don't have a homeroom where I have to meet 26 families.  I woke up yesterday feeling really lousy...stuffy nose, scratchy throat, and sooo tired!  As the day progressed, my throat started to hurt more and more...to the point I couldn't swallow.  If you know me, you'd know that I don't do well when I'm sick.  Colds literally kick my butt!  After four years of marriage, my originally "suck it up" hubby, has come around to understand that just doesn't work with me.  He treats me like my mom and dad did when I was little and it makes me feel so loved!  Sometimes, I still wish I could be at home (my parent's home..always my home) when I don't feel well.  There is something about my mother/father's care that made me feel so much better.  I only hope one day I can provide that feeling to our kids. 

When 5:15am rolled around this morning, I woke up, felt even worse and knew I wouldn't be able to function at school.  Most importantly, I didn't want to spread whatever I had to my beautiful kids at school.  I haven't moved from my room all day!  Yes, I slept the day away, but I got to spend it in the presence of my sweet Gracie. Her ashes still rest in the wonderfully made wooden container her daddy made for her.  They rest on a dresser on our room next to the teddy bear her cousin, Emily, gave her.  I used to bring her ashes out into the living room every morning so she wasn't 'alone' all day. Ever since I went back to work, I realized she'd be in an empty home all day long...every day.  I know, she's really not 'alone', because she's physically is in the presence of her Creator, but her ashes would left in our empty house and I never liked that much. I'm sure people would think I fell off the deep end if I brought them with me to school every day.  I really don't think I'm ever going to be able to part with her ashes not resting in our bedroom.  Paul had such a great idea of putting them under a tree on our land where our future kids could play in their tree house or he could hunt.  Seeing her resting place on our dresser brings me so much healing and gives me sense of peace knowing she is so close home.  

Unlike most Fridays when I'm busy at work, I only get to spend time with her for a short while. Today was much different. Her ashes were with me all day and I loved every moment, despite how I've been feeling.  Besides looking at her pictures, I love praying over her ashes and telling her how much I love her.  I hope she knows my love for her.  I hope she knows I'd do anything for her and I'd give my life for her.  

As we approach her 6 month birthday in heaven and we reach another milestone in her passing, I find myself not as down in the dumps as I have been in the past.  Praise be to Him!  But, that doesn't mean I don't miss her any less. I just think that God is filling my void of loneliness and missing her so much. I've already received a lovely call from my dear friend, Michelle, acknowledging the date already.  I can't even begin to tell you how much that warmed my heart! Her call told me that she understands that the date could be rough (she loves me) and that my daughter continues to leave her mark in this world.  I'd like to do something special for her on Sunday.  So, as I continue to veg out in my bed, my mind will be thinking about her 1/2 birthday and what we can do to celebrate her time spent with Jesus.

             Thank you to Lisa, from my Anencephaly support group, for making this beautiful picture! <3

Friday, November 2, 2012

A Mom


 For those of you viewing on a mobile device, the YouTube clip can be found at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_gtD5U9Bck&feature=player_embedded

I saw this Carter's commercial for the first time today...a Friday of all days.  As if Fridays aren't hard enough already.  The commercial had me in tears from the moment I saw the baby being rocked in the mother's arms.  And to make it harder, the mother was cradling the baby's beautifully formed head. What a miracle a baby is!

It appears the voice over is a little girl speaking, since the mother and daughter are shown throughout the clip.  It got me thinking what Grace would have said about her short little life.  Would she of talked about the love she left, how we reacted to her, and how hard it was for us to say goodbye?

And then the saying at the end, "When a child is born, so is a mom," hit me like a ton of bricks.  I am a mom...maybe not to someone here on earth, but to a little girl who I believe is worshiping the One who formed every inch of her precious body.  I may not be up for late night feedings, changing her diapers, or rocking her back to sleep, but my love for her runs so deep that it often brings me to tears and takes my breath away.

As I reflect back on the day she was born, look at her pictures, and rejoice in the greatest blessing we have been given, I'm thankful that at 12:18pm on a warm spring day, she gave the the title of "mom."  It's one of the titles I hold closest to my heart.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

A Rough Road Ahead

I haven't been looking forward to this time of year and I'm dreading the coming months even more.  Fall is one of my favorite seasons due to the beautiful turning leaves and the crisp autumn air.  I'm continuously reminded of His beauty and awesome power to create such a magnificent place.  I can only imagine seeing God face to face and discovering what heaven will look like if I think this place is considered to be beautiful.

For the past two years in a row, I discovered I was pregnant during the fall season.  I've been fervent in prayer and hoping that it would be the third time. Perhaps that's why I've been really struggling lately.  I know that my God has a plan for me and He knows my heart far greater than I do.  Maybe I'm not as ready to begin this next endeavor as I thought I was and He is well aware of that.  He knows I need to be further healed.  But the thing is, I'm not sure I will ever will be healed completely.  Can you blame me? As each day passes, I miss her more and more.  And that popular saying that goes something like, "Time heals all wounds," isn't applying to much to me.  Five months have gone by and my broken heart seems to shatter into more and more pieces. Yes, time will move on, and God will continue to mend this broken heart of mine, but there will always be something missing.  Something that I will never get back until my time has come to an end. And then all the pain and hurt I’ve felt here, won’t exist. I long for that day for so many reasons.     

I think that a lot of what I’m experiencing is feeling so alone in my grief.  I’ve read about this ‘feeling’ from other ladies that have walked my path before and I never understood it…until now.  I think a big part of why this journey is so hard is because people don’t understand how I could be feeling.  Sometimes my own husband doesn't "get it" even though he has endured the same loss.  Many individuals in my life have never walked the journey of loosing a child, so I don't expect them to understand what emotions are associated with this.  Losing a child that you've carried for nine months and held in your arms is far different than grieving the loss of a grandparent and no one will ever get that until they've walked this same exact path.  Which of course, I would never wish upon anyone. 

It seems as the months continue to pass by, the less and less Grace is brought up and conversation of how we are doing.  My mom continues to tell me that people just don’t know what to say or that they don’t want to hurt me by bringing the topic up.  And I continue to thank God for those moments when people may step out on limb and ask, how are you doing? I rejoiced over that simple, yet sometimes difficult question this weekend when my brother’s sister-in-law, Claudette, asked me how I was while all the kids were getting ready to go trick-or-treating.  Just as I was sitting at the kitchen table, wondering what Gracie would have been dressed up as and tears beginning to swell in my eyes, she walked over.  She put her arms around me and asked, “How are you doing?”  I can’t even remember the last time I saw Claudette, but she asked. I thank Him for allowing her to ask such a difficult question when she doesn’t know what response she will receive in return.  It showed me that she cared.  What I love most is that she did it, even if it was hard on her part. She did what she could do and it filled my heart with joy.

I'm not sure what these next two months are going to hold for me as more holidays are quickly approaching. I can only imagine Grace looking down as each tear trickles off my face, knowing that everything is glorious where she is.  Her stocking with her name embroidered on it will be hung proudly on our china cabinet, along with her first Christmas ornament on our tree.  Even though her stocking will never be filled, she continues to hold a place in our family, just as any other child would.  And as much as I'd like to send our our very first photo Christmas card with a picture of Grace and Jesus in resting manger, with James 1:17 (Every good and precious gift comes from above) written in beautiful script font...it's not going to happen.  I was reminded by someone that "people don't want to see a picture of a dead baby. That will just result in them being sad and depressed." And perhaps that individual is right.  So maybe when my child isn't "dead," I'll get to send those beautiful Christmas cards out for everyone to see a healthy baby because they are "a better sight to see." My skin is growing thicker, but my once beautifully (okay maybe not so beautiful) shaped heart that was torn into pieces, is now fading into dust.

Please join me in prayer as the holidays approach.  I need His strength and comfort above else, because I feel like it's going to be a rough road ahead. 


Grace,
I'm missing you like crazy, sweetie pie.  Even though this journey of missing you grows more and more each day, I would NEVER change our decision of having you and getting to hold your sweet body in our arms.  You were perfect...and still are!  Thank you for allowing me to be a mama, sugar.  I feel like I have a slight understanding of what God felt like when He sent His Son to die for you and me on that cross...it's a love I have never felt before. I thank Him and you for allowing me to experience that.  Loving you always, my beautiful daughter! 
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