Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Merry Christmas

Thank you, God, for greatest gift of all...your one and only Son, Jesus Christ. 

I'm finding great joy, peace, strength, and love in the One that saved me from my all sins.  I am so unworthy of His forgiveness and unconditional love. 

Happy birthday, Jesus! 

Merry Christmas, dear family, friends, and visitors!

A beautiful gift given to me last Christmas from my mom's best friend.  Gracie was indeed a gift from God!

Merry Christmas, my darling daughter!  I thank Him every time I remember you! I love you a bushel and a peck! Xoxo

Monday, December 24, 2012

Her First Christmas In Heaven


Christmas In Heaven

'Tis Christmas in Heaven
What a beautiful sight!
It's my first one here;
Everything is all right.

I've met all our dear ones
Who preceded us here;
The reunion was lovely,
An event full of cheer.

And tonight we'll all gather,
In reverence we'll kneel,
For the Babe in the cradle
Up in Heaven is REAL.

I think of my family
that I left behind
And I pray that your Christmas
Is as blessed as mine.

Please shed no more tear,
For my soul is at rest,
Just love one another;
Live life to its best.

Yes, it's Christmas in Heaven,
So I've heard them say.
Yet, Christmas in Heaven
Happens every day.

Gracie,
   You're home baby girl...and I'm on my voyage there.  I wish it weren't this way.  I wish we were celebrating your very first Christmas here with us.  Life isn't fair and I'm learning to be okay with that.  I thought I was going to be just fine today because tonight is not about my hurting and missing you...it's about our Savior's glorious birth and the reason why He was sent here.  I don't want to overshadow that, but my heart aches.  I often wonder if you'd be pulling yourself up, what your smile would look like, or what your little voice would sound like.  I pray today, and always, that you are worshiping and praising the One that saved you from the wrath of hell. I know you are going to have an amazing Christmas celebration and I'm so happy for you!  I miss you, sweet girl! Merry Christmas! 
Love,
Mama

Sunday, December 23, 2012

His Light Still Shines

It hasn’t felt right to blog since the tragedy that took place last week Friday.  My heart was really heavy for the grief, pain, and the hurt that the families of CT were experiencing.  My heart continues to break over and over again after I watch the news reports. Seeing every single one of those precious faces continues to bring me to tears.  These beautiful souls were called home far too early.  Jesus greeted way too many angels in eternity, but I believe it was the best welcome home that anyone could possibly receive.  I am trusting that those souls are in the arms of Jesus, their Savior, and are truly free from pain and suffering. 

Not to lessen what happened with our sweet Grace, but writing about my journey didn't seem appropriate.  My sweet baby died peacefully in the arms of her daddy, and it has brought me more pain then I could have imagined.  God continues to pour out one blessing after another, even when I am hurting, and that is something that I need to be more thankful for.  We live in a fallen world that desperately needs Jesus Christ.  What occurred was pure evil and it was done by someone that was living in darkness.  I’m sure many people question why God, someone that is supposed to be “good,” would allow something like this to happen. I fully believe God gave us a free will.  By having free will, the devil is able to easily enter and corrupt our thinking.  And even though most people will just see the darkness in this horrible tragedy, I have been blown away by His light that is shinning through. His light ALWAYS shines...even when great pain and suffering are occurring.  Is it just me or is there an outpouring of people willing and wanting to donate their time, their money, and their effort, in order to bring comfort to the people of Newtown? If we look, and we don't have to look very hard, we can see Him and His light...even in the midst of horrific violence.


 twas' 11 days before Christmas, around 9:38
when 20 beautiful children stormed through heaven's gate.
their smiles were contagious, their laughter filled the air.
they could hardly believe all the beauty they saw there.
they were filled with such joy, they didn't know what to say.
they remembered nothing of what had happened earlier that day.
"where are we?" asked a little girl, as quiet as a mouse.
"this is heaven." declared a small boy. "we're spending Christmas at God's house."
when what to their wondering eyes did appear,
but Jesus, their savior, the children gathered near.
He looked at them and smiled, and they smiled just the same.
then He opened His arms and He called them by name.
and in that moment was joy, that only heaven can bring
those children all flew into the arms of their King
and as they lingered in the warmth of His embrace,
one small girl turned and looked at Jesus' face.
and as if He could read all the questions she had
He gently whispered to her, "I'll take care of mom and dad."
then He looked down on earth, the world far below
He saw all of the hurt, the sorrow, and woe
then He closed His eyes and He outstretched His hand,
"Let My power and presence re-enter this land!"
"may this country be delivered from the hands of fools"
"I'm taking back my nation. I'm taking back my schools!"
then He and the children stood up without a sound.
"come now my children, let me show you around."
excitement filled the space, some skipped and some ran.
all displaying enthusiasm that only a small child can.
and i heard Him proclaim as He walked out of sight,
"in the midst of this darkness, I AM STILL THE LIGHT."

Written by Cameo Smith

Despite that the month of December has caused me great pain and sadness the past two years, I know that I have much to be thankful for.  You see, two years ago, on December 15th is when I miscarried our first baby.  I was 12 weeks along when I lost him/her, but Baby Morris (always wished we would have named him/her) had stopped growing at 6 weeks.  Some may say that our baby wasn't even a baby at that point, and the feeling of loss shouldn't be there...and I totally disagree.  We prayed so hard for that little being and feel in love with him/her well before we even knew we were pregnant.  Paul and I felt so blessed when my pregnancy test(s) read positive.  And even before one knows they are pregnant so much development is taking place that it is mind boggling.  We didn't know this at the time, but before a woman even knows she is  pregnant is when the neural tube closes for the formation of the skull and brain.  How is that NOT a baby?  Going through something as painful (both physically and emotionally) as that scarred the month of December for me.  Looking back though, I saw His light shining brightly.  My mom was out of town on business, but my dad rushed to the hospital after Paul informed him that I passed out from the amount of blood I lost.  Both the male loves of my life stayed by my side the entire time in the hospital.  My dad was there until I was discharged at 4:00am and had to be up for work at 6:00am. On the way home, Praise You in This Storm by Casting Crowns played and I wept the whole way home. Ironically enough, my mom wasn't aware that any of this occurred.  When my dad told her and she was ready to board her plane, the same exact song played. Godincidence? I think so! The outpouring of support from my family and friends allowed me to see His love.  He allowed me to see how precious life was and what I had to be thankful for.    

Fast forward another year...we are 18 1/2 weeks into our pregnancy and looking forward to the antonym scan of our blessing from above.  The 15th of December rolled around and I remember being in tears and on the phone with my mom that evening.  I was emotional from what I experienced the previous year, but I was experiencing ligament pain from Grace growing.  I felt as though I was cramping and that I was going to miscarry her.  She reassured me everything was going to be okay and hung up the phone.  Apparently both her and my dad were concerned to some degree because they both jumped on the computer to see what was happening.  Ten minutes later, a call from Dr. Dad and Dr. Mom confirmed the cramping on my right side was ligament pain from the growing baby inside.  And within a matter of a week from that scare, we found out that Grace had Anencephaly.  My world came crashing down... yet again.  December 22nd,2011 will always be a date that I remember as long as I live.  I will remember that day because it was a day that I was put in the hot seat...where my my faith and trust in my great Savior was tested.  It was that day and the days following that the His light came through the darkness that clouded my vision.  He used Paul to be so gentle to my feelings, but allowed His truth to be poured out of his lips.  He drove my mom to dig deep into the Word and to use scripture to shape her thinking, he used my principal to convict the evilness inside, he used the internet to show the relativity of what an abortion looks like, and he used my other family members and friends to be a beckon of hope, support, and love.  

As this December approached, I prayed that the feeling of loss wouldn't be all consuming.  I had a birthday to celebrate on the 18th and the idea of celebrating it struck a different chord this year.  I wanted to rejoice in the gift of life and appreciate each and every breath I have been given, despite a rough year.  In a world where there is so much evil, darkness, and loss, I consider each year to be a gift and a blessing. I've learned a lot this year about myself and who I aspire to be some day.  I've learned to love unconditionally because we don't know when our time is up...to appreciate the moment, because I'll never get it back...to open up in order break down walls so that others may help counsel me.  I've been so weak and hopeless in my heartache that it's been a blessing to see my husband lift me up through his prayer, words, and actions...it's been more than humbling.  I've learned how precious each and everyone of my family members and friendships are.  Seeing them care and support me when I felt like giving up on life gave me hope.  Having them mourn with me while carrying my burden allowed me to see the bond that truly existed.

Twenty-seven, you were indeed good to me.  Thank you, God!

Saturday, December 22, 2012

I Will Carry You

One year ago today, December 22nd, 2011 at 10:00, the words "incompatible with life" changed me forever...  I remember the day as though it was yesterday.  I felt like I was literally on top of the world and nothing could stop me.  I'm thankful for the reality check, because it has sure brought me to my knees...many times!   

That day began with a lovely breakfast with the three of us at a local diner.  Paul and I sat and discussed our future together with our little blessing in the picture.  We talked about how we were going to tackle remodeling our bathroom right away and how we were looking forward to getting the nursery in order throughout the next couple months.  As we walked into my OB office, we were greeted by the nicest receptionist EVER.  Besides the fact she knew it was the anatomy scan of our baby, she knew and attended church with many of the families that attend to the same school I work at.  I sat on the edge of my seat as I waited for my name to be called.  Paul could see the excitement bursting in my eyes.  He on the other hand looked scared out of his mind.  When my name was called, I bounced out of my seat and followed the tech into a very dark room...a room in which I don't ever know if I could bring myself to enter again.  All I remember from the past two times being in there are pure hurt and heartache.


As the tech began to poke and prod to get the images of our little girl in my womb, I was awestruck by her beauty, even at 18 weeks gestation.  Before we even knew Gracie wasn't going to be with us for very long, this picture came up.

The ultrasound tech said, "Look here.  Her hands are crossed."  Instantly, I responded, "She's praying." Paul and I looked at each other and smiled. It was after that image when the tech approached her head.  She sat there and didn't have much to say.  She continued to poke so hard at my tummy that it was beating red and it felt like she was hurting Grace.  My protectiveness kicked into overdrive.  It was then that she said, "I can't get an image of her head. I need her to move away from where she is and she won't."  We joked that she already had her mommy and daddy's stubborn nature. She allowed me to empty my bladder and continued to move me in all different positions.  When she still didn't get an image, she excused herself and met with the doctor.  I looked at Paul and we both knew something wasn't right.  It felt like we waited for hours before my doctor entered the room, when in reality it was only minutes. 

I try to put myself in my doctor's shoes every time I think back to this day.  I can't even imagine how hard it must be to have to tell a family that their baby is not going to make it...to crush their hopes and dreams for their future with this child.  The strength that the Lord provides these doctors is truly amazing.  I imagine that is why my doctor looked the way she did that day.  I'm sure she struggled to find the words to be sensitive, yet informative.  It isn't easy watching someone break into tears and both Paul and I sat there and wept, uncontrollably.  We hugged each other and were in sheer disbelief.  This couldn't possibly be happening to us.  I thought this was just a bad dream and I was ready to wake up. 

I was forever changed after we had our second, more high tech ultrasound that day.  The ultrasound confirmed it and the diagnosis was the same.  It was concluded our little girl had Anencephaly.  I have never heard of Anencephaly before that day and wasn't given any information on it from either of the doctors.  Therefore, I really didn't know how to explain it to my dad when we arrived to my parent's home that afternoon.  All I remember is walking into the house with my dad over the counter making Chex Mix for Christmas.  The moment he looked up and our eyes met, he knew something was wrong.  "No, no, no.  What's wrong?"  he questioned. I ran into his arms and cried... and cried some more.  "She's not going to live,"  is all I could spit out.  He held me close and tears continued to pour out of both of our eyes.

And so our journey with Grace Annmarie Morris began...

Shortly after we received her diagnosis, I received an e-mail from my principal at school.  As I believe God does in all situations, He uses people to shine His light in the dark times.  I am so thankful that he clung to the Word and spoke truth into every line he wrote.  My vision was so clouded during that time and I was so thankful for such a well versed message. Here is what my principal wrote:

"I am impressed and encouraged with your concerns and priorities, even in the midst of great grief and emotional distress. Through these, and other situations of end-of-life care we have experienced in our family, I believe it would be personally very difficult for you in both the short and long run to make a decision that would actively end your baby's life before the Lord chooses to take her. Unless there is a significant threat to your own health, I think we would say it would be wrong.  I would meditate on Psalm 139:13-18 and realize that her days are in His hands and He knows exactly how many there are to be. 


We are given privileges and responsibilities that are very difficult at times, but my recommendation is to take things day-by-day, deal with any medical issues as they come, especially as it impacts your health. You guys have a daughter right now (does she have name yet?), and we all know that the relationship between mom and baby starts way before birth. Allow yourself the tears that come, but also marvel at the incredible love and compassion our Father has for His children (whatever their condition) and the opportunity you have to give this baby the days that God has for her in her limited life.


I want to offer any help we can. This response may sound pretty cold, I guess, but our hearts ache for you and we will continue to keep you in our prayers. If you have any questions about our experiences, or would even like to get together, feel free to let us know.


Keep seeking and praising the Lord. Remember that death is a result of sin and will soon be swallowed up in His great day (Isaiah 25:6-9)."


After this e-mail was written, I began reading I Will Carry You, by Angie Smith.  She too was given an"incompatible with life" diagnosis with her daughter Audrey.  When she tells her story, more eloquently written than mine, she explains that she told her doctor while sitting in the ultrasound room, "I think my Jesus is the same as He was before I walked through that door."  That little line on page 16 impacted me so profoundly after I read her story.  No matter what news we would have heard that day, the One who knit her together and created her innermost being is and will always be the same...no matter what trail we face.  Higher than any mountain that I may ever face, stronger than the power of the grave, constant through the trail and the change, there's always one thing that remains..His love NEVER fails, it NEVER gives up, and it NEVER runs out on me!

I was reminded through this journey that our amazing Creator doesn't give up on me...and therefore, if my ultimate goal in life is to live a life more like Him, I wanted to follow in His footsteps with Grace. He'd never give up on her!  Here are two (there are many more) verses that demonstrate what the Word of God says about life:

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 
 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well. 
 My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be. Psalm 139 13-16

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
    before you were born I set you apart;
    I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.  Jeremiah 1:5 


My sweet Grace,

Today was the day, one year ago, that I met you in my womb.  I remember you having hiccups and giggling as we watched you on the monitor.   Today was also the day we found out that you weren't going to be with us for very long.  You were worth every tear shed that day and the days following.  You're daddy, God, and I loved you  long before we even knew you. If I had the chance, I'd carry you all over again...in a heartbeat!  Your little life has taught me so such about unconditional love, selflessness, obedience, appreciation for things, and acceptance....and I am forever grateful for those things and many others.  I have shed many tears today as I sit here writing.  I miss you my sweet angel.  I miss everything about the experience of carrying you and holding you in my arms. I would give anything for you to be here.  And even though I can't physically carry you in my tummy, I will carry your memory with me for an eternity. I pray little one, that you know my love continues to run deep and that you are our greatest blessing.  May you know today and always that I am proud to call you my daughter.  Mommy loves you, sugar bug!  



I Will Carry You - Selah

There were photographs i wanted to take
Things i wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that i am brave but i`m not
Truth is i`m barely hanging on
But there`s a greater story
Written long before me
Because he loves you like this

So i will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
 All this madness
But i know
That the silence
Has brought me to his voice
And he says

I`ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you

Thursday, December 13, 2012

An Appology

As I sit down to write tonight, my heart is heavy. My readers span well across the country and I receive  roughly 200 blog views a day.  Some of those viewers are my very own family members and my dear friends.  I sat tonight and read several of my blog posts and felt disgusted with the words that covered my screen and I am sorry that my wide variety of readers may view me as ungrateful and unappreciative.  I am imperfect and my words are imperfect as well. 

I often lay my heart out on the line for people to truly understand how I'm feeling.  Through which, I hope that my feelings and experience with Grace only brings glory to His name. Sometimes I re-read what I wrote and realize that my words did not come across as I had hoped.  As I read my several of my latest postings, I got the feeling that others may view my words as being ungrateful for the gift of prayer.  I often write about how others have blessed me with physical reminders that my sweet girl is not forgotten. However, I seem to brush over how thankful I am for the gift of prayer support that has drastically helped Paul and I walk through this entire journey.

I want to clarify  from my last posting that I don't expect anyone to do anything...not even pray for us.  But when you do, you warm our hearts.  Yes...I am speaking for Paul because we talk about your prayers ALL the time. We don't need to know your praying.  That is between you and God.  I can tell you one thing, however...I know our faithful Creator has heard those prayers and has blessed us with unbelievable strength and peace to make it day in and day out.  Several people shared with us that they had their bible study groups praying, their bible study groups had home groups praying, and those home groups shared our story with individuals across the United States.  I had my friends grandparents, parents, brothers, and sisters sending us cards telling us they were praying and it meant more to us than any physical object.  Because you know what?  I fully believe with my WHOLE heart that God heard those prayers and answered them.  For those of you that weren't present in the labor and delivery room the day Gracie was born, you'd be in awe how much strength and power He blessed me with that day.  I was so content just to have my baby that grew inside of my for nine months just to rest in my arms.  The time she and I spent together alone in our  postpartum room was the most peaceful experience I can remember having and I fully attribute that to the overwhelming amount of prayer warriors. 

I'm sorry if I hurt or discounted the gift of YOUR prayers.  That was NEVER my intention and hope you can accept my sincere apology if you were ever hurt by my words written.  I want to thank you, from the bottom of my heart for blessing us with your prayers.  For I believe, the gift of prayer if the best gift of all. 

God bless you all...each and every one of you! 

With Love,
Jessica


Wednesday, December 12, 2012

When I Least Expect It

It wasn't that long ago that Paul and I traveled to Mama D's to grab a cup of coffee and to chat about Paul's new business adventure with Jake.  Paul and Jake have been friends for years even though Jake is my age, which is five years younger than Paul.  Paul was Jake's Young Life leader back in high school and through which, a bond was formed.  Jake is very much like a brother to me.  I can say whole-hardheartedly that I love him like a brother too.  He's someone that you can just sit and talk to for hours on end.  He truly listens to my crazy stories I tell him.  I know this because he always follows up with challenging questions that make me think outside the box.  He is very much like Paul in the sense that he challenges my thinking process and allows me to grow into someone I never thought I'd be. Gotta love boys like that!

While Paul stepped away to talk to the Mama D herself, Jake and I got talking about the book that was dangling from my purse entitled, The Shack. I heard of this book through a baby loss webpage.  The ladies that read it explained how their husbands read and loved it.  Father's Day was right around the corner and so my intention was to get it for Paul.  Well, it never made it as his gift because Grace's hand prints that said "I love you this much" made his gift (and my dad's) so much more special.  At any rate, I simply could not put the book down and was telling Jake how much I enjoyed it.  Much to my surprise, Jake had read the entire book himself.  Since I had not finished the book, Jake reveled to me that the book had much to do with the concept of expectations.  Seeing as though I was struggling with this through my entire pregnancy, my ears shot up like a little dog.  He explained to me that when we set people up to meet a certain expectation in our life, we end up disappointed if they don't rise to the occasion.  Ultimately, we get down on them and start thinking irrational things about who they are as an individual and of the relationship we may have with that person.  He followed up by saying that we need to eliminate expectations focus more on expectancy in our relationships.   We should be living out truly loving relationships instead of trying to fulfill the expectations of man, or placing expectations on others.  I found this quote from page 206 to be extremely helpful when I was trying to piece together the valuable lesson Jake was teaching me:

 "If you and I are friends, there is an expectancy that exists within our friendship. 
When we see each other or are apart, there is expectancy of being together, of laughing and talking. 
That expectancy has no concrete definition; it is alive and dynamic and everything that emerges from our being together is a unique gift shared by no one else. 
But what happens if I change that ‘expectancy’ to an ‘expectation’ -- spoken or unspoken?
 Suddenly, law has entered into our relationship. 
You are now expected to perform in a way that meets my expectations. Our living friendship rapidly deteriorates into a dead thing with rules and requirements. It is no longer about you and me, but about what friends are supposed to do, or responsibilities of a good friend."

I learned that I had placed expectations of certain individuals and in turn, made my heart really bitter and I pushed myself away from them.  Allow me to be vulnerable for a little bit, but I often thought, My gosh, she has children... can't she understand how I am feeling? I can't believe they don't even care about how I'm doing.  Can't they just text me or pick up the phone and dial my number? I was there for them when they walked through their valley. Why aren't they they for me?  I'm sorry if  my thoughts seemed really selfish, but I expected those people to behave in a certain way and they fell short every.single.time.  After this conversation with Jake, I realized what I did, and I immediately sought forgiveness.  I truly learned not to place expectations on others and I understand how detrimental that was to the relationship that existedI now try to live by expectancy and not place certain rules or expect people to perform a in a way that merits my approval.  And you know what?  I've been finding that when those rules and performance measures are erased, God works in remarkable ways.  Let me explain...

It's been a fear of mine that people will forget my little girl.  A fear that people think that Jessica's baby girl is dead and so is her memory.  And while that may be true for some, I want so badly for her to live on in the hearts and souls of all of those who have been touched by her life.  When my guard comes down and my expectations are turned into expectancy, I am beyond blessed.  On Friday morning I received the sweetest message from my friend Erin saying, "I think of you and Grace every Friday. Sending love your way."  I didn't expect a message like that from her, but let me tell you, if left me in tears.  Or when I get messages from my sister-in-law, Jamie, telling me stories about Emily and how the every time they hear Molly talk in Bubble Guppies, they wonder what Grace's voice would have sounded like.  The sweet messages I receive on Facebook from people telling me how our story has touched their lives, how they are praying for us, or remember her heavenly anniversary.  Or when I receive a CD and a picture book from a friend of a friend, Katelyn (who's become my friend) in the mail. I didn't place these expectations on them, but they blessed me beyond measure.   

Today was one of those days when I least expected to receive something like I did.  When I walked in the house, Paul shouts, "Michelle sent you a package."  I responded back as I took off my coat, "What the heck could she possibly be sending me?"  As I opened the card and read the words so beautifully written on the card (the words, not her handwriting..ha ha, Michelle) my eyes filled with tears and my heart filled with both love and joy.  The card read, "Hey girlfriend - You're on my heart...and in my prayers."  And among the many beautiful things she wrote, the line that most stuck out was, "I am always thinking about you and Paulie.  You guys are in my daily prayers and I think of Gracie often."  Along with the wonderful card, she sent a book called, The Christmas Box.  She stated that the book has inspired statues like the picture of the one she sent me and hopes the book will provide me with love and peace. I am looking forward to jumping into my warm bed and to end my night reading this and spending time God. 



This, again, goes to show me that I can't place expectations on my relationships.  If you are finding that you have a tendency to do this, you're not alone.  But I challenge you to allow God to help you remove those expectations from your life.  I know that when I turn to Him to explain my feelings or express my thoughts about the person I felt hurt by, my heart doesn't begin to harden and the relationship remains centered on expectancy.  I am so thankful God used Jake to open my eyes to this idea and to understand how crucial this concept can be with all the relationships (even the most important one I have...the one with Christ) I have.  

Thank you to all the gentle souls that remind me, when I'm least expecting it, that my little girl's memory still lives on.  You bless me on a daily basis by your prayers, even if your actions are not outwardly visible.  I appreciate your prayers more than you will ever know.  We have an awesome God and I'm so blessed by the love and support we have been given throughout our journey.

Thank you God, for blessing me with such selfless individuals.  I am humbled by their love on a daily basis. 

Monday, December 3, 2012

The Palm of His Hand


It's been nearly two weeks that this picture has sat on my computer without writing about it.  Shame on me! The Friday that I was home sick, I received a message from my friend, Michelle. She had taken her dog for a walk and went by the statue where she had placed flowers for Grace's 6 month heavenly anniversary.  When she walked passed, she noticed that a rose was placed in one of the angel's hands.  She sent me the picture to show me what had been done.

The moment I saw this picture, I thought to myself,  He's got her and us in the palm of His hand...never, ever letting go!  It's amazing to travel through a trial in my own life and to see every. single. part radiate God's goodness.  He held me ever so tightly and reassured me on a daily basis that He wouldn't let me fall.  I felt it...wholeheartedly.  I felt His strength, His power, His love, and His peace every second of every day.  I still do to this day. If I feel this amount of love from our Lord here on Earth, I can't imagine what love will be like in the greatest place of all...heaven.  My girl is there.  I know in my heart she is. And I have the faith to believe it's true.  I'm so thankful that she has been blessed with the greatest and most perfect love of all...the love from her Heavenly Father.  My love would never compare...not even a little bit.

Loving you from here, pretty girl! <3 Mama

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Christmas Memories

The funeral home where Grace was cremated hosted a beautiful Christmas Memories service yesterday to remember those that have gone before us this year.  The service was held at Our Redeemer church which was located next door to the funeral home.  Ironically enough, my grandmother frequented that same church when she was alive.  The church was built in between her apartment building and the funeral home. She would attend that church when she couldn't make the trip to her home church because of the weather.  It is such a stunning church!  About seven years ago, my parents, aunt, and I attended the exact same service to remember the life of my wonderful grandmother...a women who had the most beautiful, compassionate, and caring heart.  I thought about her a lot yesterday as well, especially when singing Silent Night.  I remember the last Christmas Eve service she attended with us and she sat right next to me in the pew.  As we were singing the song, she was so off key that it made me smile and realize that I'd never get to hear her sing Silent Night ever again.  Needless to say, I was a complete mess at the end.  I think of her every time I hear/sing the melody  She is so dearly missed by us all! 

Paul and I were beyond blessed to have my entire family (parents, aunt Linda, brother & wife, nieces, and nephew) join us for this special service.  It reminded me of the day that she was born and it literally brought me to tears.  The same people who were there to support us the day she arrived and passed were there to remember those two hours we were graced with.  My nieces and nephew were also able to join us at the service, even though they were never able to meet their little cousin.  My heart was filled with so much joy.  My other brother Matt and his wife Jamie were unable to attend because she had to work and he had to stay home with his two year old son.  Much to my surprise, Emily (my brother's daughter and Grace's cousin who adores her) walked in with my parents.  It was so nice to have her there to represent their family.  I imagine our sweet Grace smiling down as she watched us all sitting together in the pew and listening to the story of our Savior's beautiful birth.


Prior to the service, my sister-in-law handed me a lovely wrapped gift.  I waited to open it until we sat down.  I was holding it together pretty well until I actually opened it.  When I pulled the gift out of it's bag, I instantly saw Grace's name engraved with two little baby feet on a beautiful metal angel with the year 2012 dangling from the top.  So many emotions surfaced and I couldn't control the tears.  I did everything I possible could from not shedding a tear, but they were meant to pour.



Seeing those little feet on that ornament brought me back to my pregnancy and her birth. Among the many things that I adored about Grace's body, her little hands and feet were so precious and absolutely perfect.  Once Grace was large enough in my womb, I was always able to feel her little feet dancing away and her hands always brushed the lower part of my stomach. That feeling was something that always made me smile when I was feeling down during my pregnancy.  It was a reminder that she was still with me and that I had so much to be thankful during the hardest time of my life.  I also wrote about her feet in a post titled Walking With The Lord. Here I expressed how her feet represented my walk with the Lord through our journey with her.  The valley in my life allowed my walk with Jesus Christ to deepen and grow two-fold. 

Seeing her name engraved on the ornament made me think about all the times I felt she never existed in this world.  I know the topic of loss is very difficult for people and I understand some don't know what to say or do.  I often feel like my whole pregnancy and her birth were a figment of everyone's imagination.  Her name is never mentioned...unless it's by a little 6 year old that loves to draw her cousin pictures and write her name or on her heavenly anniversaries.  I get that talking about a dead baby is awkward, but I often feel like because of that, she never existed in their minds.  I especially felt that way throughout my entire pregnancy with my one brother and sister-in-law. They never seemed to ask me how I was doing or acted as though they cared about my trail.  My feelings were terribly hurt and my heart really began to harden. I asked so many people to join me in prayer asked the Lord to soften my heart. Yesterday I realized that the devil had a good grip on me. When I saw her name, it made me realize that she wasn't forgotten by them, they did care, and that God does hear and answer prayers.  I continue to look at the beautiful ornament hanging from the tree and am reminded of God's grace and mercy He has given us.  I picture Grace with the angels surrounding the throne, worshiping the One that created us all with such purpose.  I'm so thankful for this wonderfully thoughtful gift that I am able to hang on my tree year after year.  I pray that I continue to remember all of the wonderful things that this ornament represents to me.

Besides my family being there on the day of her birth, I have never felt as loved as I did yesterday.  I was so thankful for them to take time away from their busy schedules to join Paul and I as we celebrated the life of our little girl and our Savior.  I'm sure most of them attended to support the two of us in our journey, but it made me so happy to know that they were there for Grace as well.  They will never get to attend any recitals, sporting events, graduations, or her wedding day...but they were there for this and I felt like they were there to cheer her on as they would have for any other event.  It made me realize how much I value each one of them in my life and appreciate their presence. I have the best family...hands down!  They are truly loved by the three of us! 

God is so good!
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