Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Grace's Auntie

Love u Gracie!!!!! :)
Grace's Auntie Jamie sent this to me this weekend.  I most definitely let out a good laugh...a belly laugh in fact. I simply love laughing.  It's been a hard thing to do since we found out about Grace's condition. My mom mentioned to me that she hasn't seen me truly let out a good laugh since the summer of 2011. I think she's right and I'm ready to change that.

This statement on the card is true though.  Grace's auntie is both brilliant and beautiful on both the inside and outside.  I love how she makes me laugh and constantly reminds me that Grace is on her mind.  Grace is truly blessed to have such a loving auntie.  I know she'd be proud of her and how she has comforted me throughout this journey.  I know Jamie isn't just passing her love and care onto me, but onto her niece as well.  We're so grateful for her!

We love you, Auntie Jamie! Xoxo

Love,
Jess and Gracie

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Hope & Pain

I received a comment a couple days ago from a new reader.  Messages about our sweet pea always warm my heart.  It's so neat to have complete strangers read the words I write...to see Grace's life touch someone else.  Praise be to Him! Before I even put my fingertips to the keys, I pray that my posts are pleasing to Him, that I bring glory to His name, and that I share Grace's story in a vulnerable way so that I am able to shed light on the journey through the diagnosis of Anencephaly.  It sure has been a beautiful but difficult path to walk.  I know I fall short all the time of accomplishing the previous listed things.  I do not convey my thoughts or feelings in the most appropriate way, but I try.  And just as God gives us grace, it is my hope you'd do the same for me when reading my ever so scattered thoughts.   

I am one of those people that never really understands a person's emotion or attitude when they write over the computer.  I am extremely guilty of thinking a person is upset or frustrated by reading what they write. I do that by imagining how they would say the words I read in my head.  I automatically think their response is stated in a negative way.  This beyond a horrible trait I possess because it makes me defensive and a person I never wish to be.  The frustration I receive from construing false tone makes me put up walls and I do not give the person grace in which they deserve.  And so when I viewed a line from the comment I received from one of my readers, I automatically began to put up the defensive walls.  Without a doubt, I'm sure I read the words in a different light than which they were intended and I hope my words do not come across as attacking. That is not the point behind this post. It actually helped to get me to write. This comment just allowed me to shed more light on my journey with Grace and I'm thankful for this avenue to do so.  The person that left me a comment viewed the pictures of Grace in the hospital and commented on how she/he saw such pain and sadness... "The reality of that your hopes and dreams for Grace will never happen and that you have to let her go."  

I'm sure whenever anyone views the photos from Grace's birth, it is very difficult stomach.  When I see other Anen mom's pictures, tears begin to swell in my eyes.  Several of the pictures were captured when Grace made her only sound that day.  It was more like a squeak if anything, but it was a sound that pierced my heart because it was as though she was hurting and struggling to survive.  And I couldn't do anything in my power to make her better, to nurse her back to health like a mother should.  I felt as though I wasn't doing my part and it pained not to be able to care for my one and only daughter. What was portrayed in those images were real.  So real that I feel like I relive her birth every time I see them.  

There are other pictures, however, that portray a different image then the ones I previously referenced.  There were pictures of me smiling at the good gift in my arms, kissing her delicate fingers, and even laughing as Grace clung to our fingers.  God truly answered my prayers that day as I sat and took in the most precious two hours and seven minutes that I've ever been granted.  He blessed with me a calmness and a peace that surpassed my understanding.  We shed many tears that day as we returned our precious daughter to her Creator.  

As this person stated, many of those tears were tears of sadness, but the majority of my tears were tears of joy.  Tears that reminded me that Grace has a Savior that paid the price for her so that she may spend an eternity with him.  A reminder that she is in heaven where her every need is met and she's surrounded by everything that is good, pure, and whole.  The tears that poured down were tears of  thankfulness because God chose us specifically and allowed Paul and I to be her earthly parents for however long He decided.  I don't think it's any surprise that He had her take her last breath while I was in the restroom.  I remember handing Grace over to her daddy and smiled while I mustered up the strength to walk into the restroom.  The way he displayed his love for her that day will forever be etched in my heart and I am so thankful that she passed peacefully in his arms. I fully believe that God had that perfectly planned.  I'm not a strong person by a long shot and I truly don't believe I could have witnessed her taking her last gasp. I'm certain it would have hit me hard.  It's amazing to see God's hand in every aspect Grace's life. I'm so thankful he watched over us all that day. 

I came across a quote by Gregory Flyod that left me thinking about my sacred dance of grief and joy.  He says, "Our faith gives us the sure hope of seeing [her] again, but the hope does not take away the pain."  I remember as though it was yesterday...running out to tell Paul he was going to be a daddy.  While we sat down for dinner every night while I was pregnant, Paul would lead us in prayer.  He would ask God to bless our food to our bodies, to move our hearts to be more like Him, to bless us with a healthy child, to be parents that would instill a love of Christ inside our child, and we'd always close in prayer for our dear family and friends.  After we finished praying, our conversations always led us to our unborn child...the hopes and dreams we had together, as a family and for him/her.  After we received Grace's diagnosis, the reality hit that I'd never get to hear her say mama, braid her hair, paint her nails, build sandcastles with her, encourage her, tell her she's stunning, wipe away her tears, watch her walk down the isle, or witness her bringing another life into this world.  I was crushed every time I thought about what could have been if she would have been able to roam this earth. I knew God had the power to fix her and often times I begged and cried out to our Lord to heal her. Tears would begin to roll down my face and a flood of emotions would over take me every time I thought about my hopes for her...it still happens to this day. 

But every time this happens, I feel the calming of my spirit.  He reminds me that she has beat me to the best place where she is made whole and for that I need to be thankful. She is with the God that was pierced for our transgressions, crushed for our inequities, and healed because of his wounds (Isaiah 53:5). Grace will never be bullied, have a broken heart, witness someone passing, or partake in the countless acts of sin.  And even when I feel like my hopes and dreams run dry for Grace, He reminds me that He hasn't forgotten, nor abandoned her or us.  My hope always needs to be put in Him.  And one day, He will redeem what seemed hopeless.  

I did have to let Grace go physically.  I placed her into the arms of a complete stranger and never saw her again.  But just because I let her go physically, doesn't mean I have to let the memory of her fade away.  I simply cannot let her go. Period. She will be apart of my life until the day I die.  She will forever be my baby girl and with me wherever I go. 


Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope.  My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.  Psalm 119: 49-50 

Sustain me according to your promise, and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed. Uphold me and I will be delivered.  Psalm 119: 116-117 

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

She's Never Far


A seeded dandelion paid me an unexpected visit today.  What a sweet surprise! Both sisters that I work with at different times throughout the day noticed the flower in our read aloud.  They both pointed to it and made a comment about how the flower is a reminder of Grace. 

I love seeing things that remind me of her.  They brighten my day when I need it most and help me to remember that she's never far. 

When I see a dandelion, I think Grace.  And when I think of Grace, I think of Jesus.  When I pair the two together, I think of the word hope.  This one word will always remind me of the journey carrying such a special girl.  It was a time when Jesus carried me every step of the way while I carried her.  This journey has been such a beautiful path to walk.  A path I'd walk all over again if it meant holding her in my arms again. 

Monday, January 21, 2013

She's Alive Alright

I drove home from my parents house this evening with a dark cloud surrounding my car.  I fought back my emotions this afternoon with my mom by my side, but I couldn't help it being by myself.

My intentions were pure.  I wanted Grace's birth certificate and so in order to obtain it, I had to go to the health department here within our city limits.  My husband questioned why I was venturing upstairs on Sunday as he heard me digging through paperwork in our frigid storage area.  There are really only two reasons why I go up there.  One being to fetch wrapping paper, and the other is obtain our paper work for Grace.  When I walked down with my blue folder full of documents from the hospital, he knew I was up to something. As I plopped down at the dining room table, he sat across from me and just starred.  I waited for the, "what are you up to?" question as I continued to search through the documents.  Moments later, it came.

We never received her birth certificate or her Social Security number after she was born.  As I began to page through the sheets of paper, it dawned on me that we were told we had to pick it up from the health department and that it wouldn't be mailed.  Additionally, we never received her Social Security card when it was supposed to be mailed within 8-10 weeks. I remember filling out so many documents in the hospital with such a sweet woman for roughly an hour.  One of the forms we filled out was information for her SS card. But it just hit 8 months after her birth, and it still has not made it in our mailbox. Sigh.

There there two documents that signified Grace's live birth; her birth certificate and Social Security card.  There were many things I prayed for throughout my pregnancy with Grace.  One of the things was that she was born alive.  I wanted to feel the little heart that was beating inside of me against my chest.  I wanted to hear any little sound that came out of her and kiss her warm lips.  I didn't want her to suffer, even though I was told she couldn't feel a thing and so I asked Him to take her at His perfect timing.  When I was told that she was alive, I was completely in shock.  Through delivery process, one of the nurses stated that there wasn't a heartbeat.  When the nurse set Grace in my arms, I couldn't believe what I saw.  Her chest moved up and down, air came out of her mouth, and her blue eyes were wide open. He answered my prayer and allowed us to spend two hours and seven minutes with her! Thanks be to God!

When you are born, you get a number that identifies who you are, right?  It is such an important number that you are advised not to carry this number with you so that your identity does not get taken or other pertinent information isn't snatched from you.  In a way, it means your important in this world.  I'm feeling very protective over Grace and certainty don't want my daughter to be overlooked.  The SSN proves she was here, proves that she was alive, and proves her place in this world.  I know that I don't need a number to technically prove her place in this world, but it is another reminder to me that God hears our prayers. She was born alive...she deserves a number.   

I walked through the doors of the health department today, excited to obtain one of the two reminders she was born alive.  I paid the $23.00 I owed for two birth certificates and waited patiently for her records to be printed.  The lady that placed her birth certificate on the counter, looked me into the eyes, and said she was sorry for our loss.  I politely said thank you, handed her the money, put the document in my folder, and made my way to my mother's car.  Once I was situated, I opened the folder to see in capital letters at the top of the birth certificate, "THIS PERSON IS DECEASED." It took everything in my being not to completely break down.  Why is this necessary on a BIRTH certificate?  Isn't this what a DEATH certificate is for...to indicate that the person is no longer alive? 

I was crushed.

Before I entered my house, I had to get it together. I was a total mess...mascara running down my face, my eyes were beat red, and my sleeve was full of boogers.  Yes, I did wash my coat, by the way. ;)  I sat there in my freezing car, and called out to Him. I felt the Holy Spirit calm my soul and reassure me that a document doesn't prove anything.  She is alive.  Maybe not here on earth.  But she's alive... in heaven.  And I don't need a document to prove she's alive there.  I have a faith in Him to believe it's true.

Thank you, heavenly Father, for the gift of salvation.  I'm so thankful you ALWAYS meet me where I am.  You never forsake me and I am so thankful for your constant presence. Please give my baby girl a hug and kiss for me. Tell her that her daddy and mama miss her terribly and love her dearly!

Baby girl, I don't need your birth certificate to prove anything.  You will ALWAYS be alive in my heart.  Save me a seat around the throne. I love you to the moon and back. Xoxo ♥

Friday, January 18, 2013

With Hope

Today marks Gracie's 8 months spent in heaven.  8 months seems like such a long time ago, but it feels like yesterday I was there in the hospital holding onto my baby girl.  Every time I think about the day I said hello to her, I think about how difficult it was to say goodbye.  To literally hand your daughter over to a complete stranger and watch her walk out of our room with my little girl...knowing that I would never, ever see her again on this side of heaven, crushes me to this day.  

I have to say that God and my family/friends have really helped me to turn my mourning into dancing this month.  Instead of being depressed several days leading up to the 18th, I've been rejoicing over all of the ways God used Grace's life to change me.  I truly feel like God used Grace's life to teach me more about stepping out in faith, leaning into His Word, and trusting in His will for my life.  Even though I am still grieving the loss of her, I'm trying to look at the good that came out of her life and not fixate on the hurt I experience.  It's hard though, especially when I miss her every second of every day. 

I fully believe that God is using my family and friends to support me and show their love for Grace and I when I need it most.  I was in tears this morning when I opened up my e-mail to find a message from my sister-in-law, Jamie, and my sweet friend, Erin.  Jamie sent me a picture of this beautiful dandelion tattoo.  She explained how she immediately thought of Grace and I when she came across it.  I believe that this was just what I needed to see since I've been so distraught over loosing Gracie's hand/foot prints...the prints that I wanted to use for my tattoo, if I ever man up.  I would love a tattoo similar to this to represent my little dandelion (Grace) spreading her seeds of hope.  

Jamie has such a beautiful heart and has truly shown such a love for her niece.  This past Christmas Jamie, my brother, Emily, and Owen gave Grace her very first Christmas present.  I thought I wrote a post about it, but I guess with the craziness of traveling to Alabama during the holiday season, I never got around to posting it.  Seeing a gift with Grace's name on it brought tears to my eyes...literally!  It was a very difficult holiday to celebrate knowing it would have been her first Christmas with us.  I was elated when Jamie placed the gift in my hand.  Not because it was a material object, but because Gracie was remembered!  The gift was written to Grace from Emily and so if Grace wasn't there to open it, I wanted her big cousin to help me.  Emily tore the paper off and I was in utter shock. I'm certain my mouth hung open. For starters, the wooden sign (below) was amazingly beautiful and will look perfect in a future nursery.  The part that I was most taken back by was the saying that was so wonderfully painted on.  There are a couple sayings that I like to say to Grace when I write letters to her.  Jamie's keen perception and attention to detail picked up on those phrases.  And so when I saw the those words written, I was in amazement.  They also purchased her a beautiful angel ornament with the words "Grace" written it.  Today, it sits next to her baby board, which is situated in our living room. We are so blessed by the Wagner's thoughtfulness!


Erin entitled her message, "God's grace." And she stated"'For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God ' Ephesians 2:8. God's grace has saved us so that we are promised eternal life with our savior, Jesus. God's amazing grace has given your sweet Grace eternal life. 8 month heaven birthday today. How beautiful. You're Gracie has touched my life- and so many others- more than you will ever know. I can't imagine how hard today is for you, but know that you and Gracie have changed the hearts of many. This world needs people like you- true examples of Christ's love." My heart melted into a million and one pieces. I'm so thankful for scripture to remind us all that this isn't our home.  By God's grace, and His grace alone, we have been saved and are able to live a life in His presence for an eternity.  It is a message like this that allows me to dry my eyes because I have the faith to believe that Grace is spending the rest of her life in heaven...surrounding the throne and praising the One that has made her whole.  It is a message like this reminds me that my little dandelion's seeds have spread far and wide.  And for that, I give thanks to our Lord. Erin never ceases to amaze me.  I don't know what I'd do without her!

I was also blown away by the message my mom sent me stating, "Thinking of you and our Gracie.  The 18th and a Friday."  My mom is my best friend, without a shadow of a doubt.  Among a couple other people, I felt she carried my pain and heartache the entire time I carried Grace.  We'd often joke around when I was pregnant because when my back hurt, so did hers.  When I was worn down and out for the count, so was she.  But as I did with many other people, I struggled to talk about Grace with her as it got closer to my due date and after I delivered her.  I thought it was just because she felt uncomfortable talking about a baby that wasn't going to live or someone that had already passed.  It's healing for me to talk about Grace and it bothered me that she never seemed interested.  What I didn't seem to do at the time was to stop and think about how she might be feeling.  She lost a granddaughter, and although I think the pain only hits home to me, I'm certain Grace's death affected her as well.  So it completely caught me off guard today when I received her message because she seldom talks about her, her anniversaries, or how difficult Fridays can be.  And she remembered all three today!  God, you are so good! 

Thank you, God, for all of the people you have placed in my life to help bring healing to my wounded soul!  I know I've only mentioned three names today, Lord, but there were many more individuals that I've failed to mention. And I want you to know that I am go grateful for their love and compassion that they pour onto me in time of need.  They continue to be examples of an unbelievable love that only comes from You.  Thank you for them and your unfailing love!  


 Another Friday...
Another month....

 I miss you, sweet girl! With hope, I will see you again. Mama loves you!



"With Hope"  Steven Curtis Chapman

This is not at all
How we thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We has so many dreams
But now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you

And we can cry with hope
We can say good-bye with hope
'Cause we know our good-bye is not the end
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father smile and say 'well done.'
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now your home
And now your free

[Chorus]

We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true

[Chorus]

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

A Sweet Reminder

I opened the mailbox this evening to find this magazine nestled in with the other mail.  It just about took my breath away. A dandelion on the front page after I JUST wrote about it.

Seriously, what are the odds? 

I felt in an strange way this was a sign of some sort.  Perhaps it is a confirmation that her seeds are being blown far and wide.  I don't really know, but I am blown away. 

What a sweet, sweet reminder of my daughter today.

God, you are so good! Thank you!

Just To Let You Know...




Missing you, Gracie, every second of every minute of every day.

Monday, January 14, 2013

My Beautiful Dandelion

There are many things I can remember wishing for as I blew out the candles on my birthday cake or as I held a dandelion with a seeded head in my hand and watched all the seeds drift off into the distance. Some of those wishes included a hope for receiving material things, an A on a test, or that my latest pimple wouldn't over take my face.  Even at a ripe young age, I can remember wishes that included a hope that my dad's cancer would disappear, the cyst that showed up on my mother's mammogram wouldn't be taken seriously, or that my grandmother wouldn't lose faith in her Savior as she received word that she only had six months to live.  As I got older, I realized that those wishes that I once made weren't really wishes after all, but prayers.  Prayers for healing, for HOPE in something beyond my control. Hope in Jesus Christ. 

Shortly after we first received Grace's diagnosis, I created this blog to document the days of my pregnancy and to reflect on how God was moving and carrying us through our valley.  The words weren't there at the time, but I had everything selected (fonts, pictures, and sayings on my page) to begin my writing journey.  And even though all of these things were in place, I was grieving the loss of my daughter before I even had her and I couldn't articulate my feelings. As I was paging through all background designs, I wanted to pick one that reminded me of her and served a purpose.  And looking back,  I wish I wouldn't have changed it.  However, at the time, I selected this one below. 


If you can't see the picture clearly, it is a dandelion with it's seeds flying off into a world of the unknown. A dandelion is considered a weed in most people's eyes. They are these pesky little yellow weeds that take over beautiful lawns...at least that's what my dad always said as he was spraying them with weed killer in our yard.

As I began researching Anencephaly after her diagnosis, I was so crushed to read some of the statistics and comments that were made in regards to these beautiful souls.  Comments such as, "These babies are monsters, they don't deserve life, I don't know anyone that would want a baby like that."  I'm sorry, but the last time I checked, NONE OF US deserve life. We are the ones that should of been hanging on the cross for the fall of man..Not Jesus Christ!  Also, I'm sure no one ever woke up and said," I want a baby with their skull and a part of their brain missing."  These fathers and mothers were chosen, hand selected by the One that paid the price for OUR sins. I even saw on one website that there isn't a wealth of information regarding these babies because most abort directly after finding out the diagnosis.

And so, when I saw this background it made me think of Grace.  A baby that others may consider to be a weed...baby that people want to get rid of because she wasn't healthy.  But she was someone that I wanted and prayed for and I know she was made for much more than to be called a weed. 

Most people don't want dandelions in their yards because they often spread like crazy if they are not controlled. Several people will spray weed killer on them so the solution gets down to the root to kill it off.  Other people may just pull the weed up and hope the root system came along with it, killing it off so nothing comes back.  I feel like this is what people do when they are given a diagnosis such as Anencephaly.  They treat these babies like weeds and get rid of them when they are still in the womb. They don't fight for them or even give God a chance to perform a miracle.  Grace was someone that we prayed very hard for.  It wasn't that we prayed for her to be born with this condition.  But He entrusted us with someone so uniquely special.  Someone so special that He needed her to be home with Him far before we ever intended.  In the world's eyes she may be considered that "weed" that no one wants because she had "incompatible with life" stamped on her at 18 1/2 weeks in the womb...a weed that grows can be easily pulled up and gotten rid of.
That wasn't God's will for her life. We were chosen to be Grace's parents and with that, we were to embrace our daughter in whatever form she came.

Grace wasn't our weed.  She was our beautiful, yellow perennial flower called a dandelion; our gift from God.  We are so blessed!

The unique thing about a dandelion is that the head is made of hundreds of yellow ray flowers that resemble the sun. I love the connection behind the color and shape because I always told her she was my sunshine...  someone that always made my life a little brighter.  I still remember all the times I sang "You Are My Sunshine" to her in our living room and would belly laugh at all her movements while I sang off key.  Experts say "these babies" can't hear...I don't believe that for one second.

Overnight the yellow petals/flower heads can change into the familiar white globular seeded head.  Each tiny seed has a parachute to spread far and wide into the open wind.  The avid gardener may not enjoy the sight as much as the average person because those little seeds that blew into the open air, will land in the ground.  And when they land, the seed will begin the life cycle of the dandelion all over again.  This is the stage of the life cycle that reminds me of my childhood.  Grabbing a hold of the green stem, making a wish, and blowing the seeds long and hard...hoping that my wish will come true.  I'm not going to lie...I didn't grab a hold of one and make a wish that she would be cured.  I got on my knees, crying out to God to heal my baby.  And even though God didn't heal her in the womb, it doesn't mean that He doesn't hear and answer our prayers.  Our prayers were answered in many other ways.  It was in our lot to carry Grace and in His will that she would be called home shortly after her birth. And the beautiful part is...she's healed now.  Grace is in His presence.  She's made whole and complete - how perfect!

We had hoped for great things to come of her life.  We blew our dandelion (figuratively speaking) hoping God would use Grace far beyond our greatest imagination.  We hoped that her  life would make an impact on the people that came across her story or that have been touched by her in some way.  It's my hope that I can be her voice and advocate for the unborn.  It's my hope that we can share our testimony to the faithfulness of God during our deepest valley.  And by doing these things, it's my greatest hope that I'm able to bring glory to His name and His name alone.

I love you, my sweet dandelion!  May your life spread seeds of hope to all those that come across you...hope in our Lord and Savior! 


 

My hope is in you, Lord.  It is my prayer that I will continue to use Grace's story for your glory.  That I will never, ever take credit for the strength and courage it took to walk this path.  I know the best is yet to come... spending an eternity praising you...the One that breathed life into my dead bones.  Thank you for sending your One and Only Son to die for a wretched sinner like me.  I am so, so unworthy!  I pray Lord, that my sweet dandelion, Grace, is surrounding your throne..praising you, in ALL your glory!

Psalm 31:14
But I trust in you, O Lord; I say, "You are my God." My times are in your hands.
 
Psalm 37:3
Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret.

Psalm 42:11
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Jealous Of The Angels



Jealous Of The Angels

I didn't know today would be our last
Or that I'd have to say goodbye to you so fast
I'm so numb, I can't feel anymore
Prayin' you'd just walk back through that door
And tell me that I was only dreamin'
You're not really gone as long as I believe

There will be another angel
Around the throne tonight
Your love lives on inside of me,
And I will hold on tight
It's not my place to question,
Only God knows why
I'm just jealous of the angels
Around the throne tonight

You always made my troubles feel so small
And you were always there to catch me when I'd fall
In a world where heroes come and go
Well God just took the only one I know
So I'll hold you as close as I can
Longing for the day, when I see your face again
But until then

God must need another angel
Around the throne tonight
Your love lives on inside of me
And I will hold on tight
It's not my place to question
Only God knows why
I'm just jealous of the angels
Around the throne tonight

Singin' hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
I'm just jealous of the angels
Around the throne
Tonight 


Grace Annmarie,

Mama is missing you a lot today and your great grandma!  It's your great grandma's birthday today. I often wonder if you celebrate birthdays in heaven or do you celebrate the day you enter heaven's gates?  I'd like to think both, but perhaps the latter is more appropriate.  It's been a rough day emotionally.  I lost your foot and hand prints the nurses made for me to make copies of.  I was going to use the copy of your foot if I ever I was ever courageous enough to get a tattoo.  I'm so disappointed in myself for being so careless.  You see, when I made your cousin Emily her birthday gift, I used the copy of your beautiful feet and hands and taped them to a poem I wrote from you to her. I was in such a rush that I didn't walk the originals back to your chest.  I left them in the office to be swept away in a pile of papers.  And now, they are gone.  I've searched high and low and I'm coming up short...very short.  It makes me so upset!  I was sad and crying a lot. I still am crying!  Your daddy didn't get it.  I don't expect him to, but our conversations always end up in an argument.  He often thinks because he isn't "emotional" about you that I think he doesn't love you as much as I do.  That's not the case at all.  Men and women are just wired differently and the things of yours I  just hold very close to my heart.  Okay, so I maybe I hold everything of you and about you close to my heart.  He feels I love you more than him.  I just wish we didn't fight over you.  We want to make you proud of us.  It's so hard when this road isn't getting any easier on me.  

I'm also feeling down today because I didn't get to go to your great grandma's grave. I wonder if anyone in our family did?  It truly upsets me that I didn't make it a priority.  Since I helped out teaching at Saturday school, I was right by her grave too. I was fixated on getting your cousin's birthday gift and getting home to clean, that it didn't dawn on me until later.  Your great grandma was such a wonderful, God-fearing woman. She had the most tender and loving heart. It pained me to see her battle the cancer that was taking her life.  She was the first person I ever saw go through something like that...and I pray it's my last.  I'm looking forward to the day Jesus comes back and swallows all the sin up in this world.  Please give your great grandma a great big hug and kiss for me.  Tell her that she is so dearly missed by me...and us all.  

I'm jealous of you and all the heavenly angels surrounding the throne tonight.  I'm looking forward to the day when I'm called home... and I can join you at last.  

I love you, pretty girl!   

Thursday, January 10, 2013

A Restored Relationship

It’s refreshing to be able to sit down and write for once.  I need to clear my mind and this is a great avenue to be able to accomplish that.  Our lives have been on a go, go mentality and I’m not all that fond of this running a mile a minute.  I still have my sewing machine sitting in my bedroom waiting to be opened and used. On Christmas Day, around 8:00 p.m., Paul and I ventured to Alabama to visit his brother and family.  His brother is being deployed to South Korea for a year in February, leaving his wife and daughter behind.  I couldn't imagine Paul leaving for a year.  I get really emotional when he's gone for a week at a Young Life camp for pete's sake. My heart aches for them. 

Since his brother's family came up and stayed with us during the time of their father's passing, a different bond was formed between the four of us.  Paul and his brother were never close growing up and to make matters worse, he enlisted in the Army right out of high school.  Scott (Paul's brother) was "never really around" and so neither of them really put any effort into their relationship.  Jenny and I never really got off on the right foot, which made for a difficult time getting to know each other.  To make matters worse, we had a complete falling out prior to her giving birth to their daughter, Allison, and communication was nonexistent.  I mean, literally, we didn't communicate until they were guests in our house in June.  I couldn't even imagine myself walking into their house after they cremated their daughter not even a month ago...I would have been beside myself.  Paul would've had to tranquilize me in order for me to step foot onto their property.  My husband kept reassuring me that they weren't staying because he knew how hurt I was, but kept saying that I would have to face her at some point during the week.  Within an hour of them arriving in Wisconsin, Paul received a phone call from his brother saying they didn't want to stay at their grandma's and that they were on their way over our house. I instantly began to sob. I was devastated that I grieving the loss of my baby and then so quickly I was to turn on a "happy face" and have people stay in my home.  Quite honestly, the not so Christ-like Jessica, didn't want them there.  My heart was so hardened.  

Before they walked through our door, Paul and I prayed together, and I sat in the bathroom crying out to Him myself.  I prayed for a restored relationship between the two of us, to soften my heart from the bitterness that built up, to relate to someone I knew nothing about, and for Him to be the center of our conversation.  I also knew that it would be hard seeing Allison, who was around 13 months at the time.  It wasn't just because we had just lost Grace, but because Allison is a constant reminder of the developmental stage of where our first baby we lost would have been...in fact they would have been a month apart!  

God's love for His children is amazing and I fully believe He hears and answers our prayers.  Within a matter of twenty minutes Jenn and I were on the floor playing with Allison and forgiving each other for our past actions and choice of words.  Later that evening we invited them into our lives by sharing our DVD of Grace's short life.  There were tears shed, but I think it allowed us all to be vulnerable. It was a great avenue for Paul and I to profess Christ's love and to show His faithfulness, peace, strength, and comfort that we were graciously blessed with through our dark time.  I thoroughly enjoyed every single moment I spent with them.  Thank you, God!

I could probably guarantee that if it weren't for the horrible death of the boy's father, that Jenn and I still wouldn't be speaking.  Sometimes an unexpected thing, like the passing of someone, can unite a family.  I fully believe that happened in this situation.  I'm so thankful  that God moved our hearts to forgive one another, to press on, and to grow a deeper relationship than what had existed.

After they left, we all continued to remain in close contact.  I thank God for them daily and pray we can continue to grow even closer. We were welcomed into their home for five days over my Christmas break and enjoyed spending so much together.  Jenny cooked us amazing meals, we played with our adorable niece, bonded over good conversation and movies,explored Fort Benning, met some of their friends, and went shopping in Columbus, GA.  And despite one rough afternoon/evening where I was sleep deprived and severely emotional by the way I handled the, "do you all have children" question, the trip was fabulous.  I continue to thank God for having a husband who is so sensitive to my emotional state when it comes to our sweet girl.  He knew I was very sad and was there for me as I rested in bed and balled my eyes out.  I hate feeling like I fail my daughter.  

Paul and I are blessed with wonderful family members, near and far.  We pray that one day, Paul's brother and family will move much closer to Wisconsin so that everyone can be blessed by their presence. Please keep the Gay family in your prayers as Scott deploys for South Korea in February. 

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

She Deserves Better

Every single time I get asked, "do you have children?" I stumble over my words.  Why? Should I even care about the feelings of the person asking the question when I don't know them?  Well...I do.  I can't help it.  I always hated being in a situation when my question may have been hard on the person. I don't want that for the  individual asking me.  But, it never fails.  I always give a response that's something like, "well, ugh, yes, ugh, but unfortunately, ugh, she's not with us."  My face gets red and I make the whole interaction unbelievably awkward.  Paul will often jump in to save me...or us, for that matter.  And if people are around us that know what happened, they are like deer in headlights after my response. 

Every single time this happens, I feel like fail her.  I feel like when I stumble, I am ashamed of what happened and not overjoyed by what God has blessed us with.  I feel like I deny her...my own daughter! And that is NOT what my intentions are. I just wish it were easier.  I just wish she were in my arms so I didn't have to constantly dance around this topic.  Oh Lord, will this ever get easier?

Another anen mommy from my support group gave me a suggestion of  framing the answer in a positive way so that others may see that I am proud to be her mama.  So, from now on I will say something like, "Yes, we had a little girl about ___ months ago. Unfortunately, she did not live very long and is now in heaven. But, we are so happy that we had some time with her and are proud to be her parents." And if they respond with a gasp and an "oh I'm soooooo sorry" (which is typical) I will say "That's okay. We feel very blessed by our little girl, and we saw a lot of good things happen because of her life."
 
I will make it a point to never EVER let this happen again.  I will not let a question shake me to the point where I cannot stop crying because I feel like I am a horrible mother to her. She deserves better...much better!

You are my sunshine, Gracie!  I can't wait til the day I get to see your beautiful face again.  Until then... XOXO
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