Wednesday, February 27, 2013

I Will Rise

<3 Grace's Gerbera Daisy - The picture was taken today, 2/27/13. <3 
Nothing beats seeing your school district scroll across the television saying that it is closed due to snow.  Even though I was showered, the was coffee already brewed, and I was ready to go for the day, I did not hesitate to jump back into my warm bed for another two hours. I laid in bed as I heard my hubby roaming around the house and thought about Grace when I rolled over to look at her picture on our nightstand. I miss her.  My mind drifted to how wonderful it would have been to stay in our pajamas and spend the snow day with both of my babies.  

I will rise. 

Seeing as though I had the whole day to get things accomplished around the house, I thought I'd clean our upstairs so that we can transition it to Paul's office after it is painted.  If you've read my previous postings, you may know where this is heading.  As I was organizing the chaos upstairs, I decided I should get Grace's things is order since all of her belongings are up there as well.  I opened Grace's chest and began pouring over the heaping pile of cards that we have received since the day of her diagnosis.  I came across this beautiful pink card that read, " Remembering the girl you were...Celebrating the women you've become."  I knew it had to be from my mama since there was a picture of a girl in her mother's arms on the cover.  When I opened it up to continue reading, I saw, "Feeling so blessed to have you for a daughter.  Happy Mother's Day."  As the tears begin to trickle down my face, I began to read the scripture of Philippians 4:13 she hand wrote and her beautiful message.  Among many other things she wrote, I saw, "I have been brought closer to God through your journey, which I believe is a part of the plan in your, Paul, and Grace's life. You have taken care of your little girl like God has asked you!"  What a wonderful message to read! I continue to thank Him daily for blessing us with Grace and allowing others, including myself, to draw closer to Him because of her. I know that with my strength alone, I couldn't have done what I did for my girl; to carry her knowing she was going to die in the end.  I'm not going to lie and say that it was an easy path to walk down. There were many times I thought I was slipping into depression, but He was the one to pick me up, dust me off, and put me back on my own two feet.  I had a daughter to care for that was growing inside of me.   He trusted me enough to carry her and I didn't want to fail him.. or her while she was with us.  I pray that they both knew how much I tried to care for her and show her my love while she was alive.  

I will rise. 

While I was still upstairs going through Grace's things, my phone rang in a way that indicated that it was a text message.  The message was from my friend Lisa.  It read, "I'm printing a picture of you and Grace and putting it in Naomi's album so that she will know Grace's story and that mamas do whatever it takes for their babies."  It was the most perfect message to read and something that I really needed to hear, especially when I had been feeling down all day.  I know that message was all God. He placed it on Lisa's heart to send me a message because He knew how I was feeling and how it would build me up. And boy did it work! To hear that she's sharing Gracie's story with her own daughter and instilling the trait of perseverance in her made me smile from ear to ear.  Lisa is such a great mama and a terrific friend!  

I will rise. 

Nine months after her birth, her Gerbera daisy still blooms, and continues to bud in a pair.  Do you see the little one growing on the side of the larger one?  One always legs behind in growth, but there's always two together and that makes me smile.  I can't help but think of my posting several months ago about her flower and the one I just wrote entitled "The Perfect Pair." Jesus and Grace, the perfect pair indeed!  Nine months after her birth and I still long to have her in my arms.  I'm pretty certain that feeling will never subside.  And even though I'm able to laugh and smile again, there's still a broken heart under it all. Life has to continue on, and as much as I wish time would have stopped on May 18th at 12:18 forever, I know that there will be a time where I will get to hold Grace and my first baby in my arms because of  Jesus's death on the cross.  And when that happens, I will look at them both in the eyes and tell each of them over and over how much I love them.  I look forward to that day for many reasons.  It surely can't come soon enough.  But until then...

I will rise
Out of these ashes, rise
From this trouble I have found
And this rubble on the ground
I will rise 
Cause He Who is in Me 
Is greater than I will ever be 
And I will rise. 




Still holding on to what I know is true, Grace.  I WILL see you again someday.  I will continue to praise the One who fearfully and wonderfully created you and I won't EVER stop professing my faith in Him.  I love you, my sweet angel.  

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

The Perfect Pair

Grace's 9 month anniversary was Monday.  I sat in an empty house flooded with emotion.  On my bed I sat with her ashes nestled in my lap and I wept.  I poured over her pictures of her birth and simply smiled. The realization hit again that God surely blessed us with an incredible baby girl.  A girl who will constantly remind me of His faithfulness.  As each month passes, I wonder who she'd be today, what new things she'd be learning or trying to do, and I find myself  lost in a sea of sadness. I often question whether this will ever get easier.

I never imagined all the hurt that would come of Grace's diagnosis and passing.  The pain isn't just there because we chose to carry her to term.  I often feel like people get the impression that I did this to myself.  No matter if we decided to end our girl's life at 19 weeks or carried her until God called her home, the pain would still exist.  Trust me, I am friends with nearly 2,000 ladies in my support groups that have walked down my path or the path of termination, and EVERY ONE says it's difficult.

I'm thankful for having family and friends that continue to support me.  It tends to make the sting of another month of her not in my arms a little easier.  My dear friend Michelle always reminds me that she's dancing with Jesus.  Her gentle words always seem to calm my soul and her sweet messages allow me to picture Grace completely healthy while enjoying her stay with her Savior.

Every month, the three girls I teach in the morning are the ones to create our calendar that stays on our white board throughout the month.  When they first arrived in my classroom, the didn't know the months of the year or the days of the week.  It brings a smile to my face when they take the marker out of my hand to work their magic and spell the words independently.  It never fails. As we work our way through the month to list important dates, Grace's heavenly birthday is ALWAYS displayed on the board.  They don't tip toe around my feelings because they think mentioning it may hurt me.  I'm sure by the huge smile on my face every month that they know it brings me such joy to see her name written on that board.  And when the 18th arrives, my little sweetheart, Yer, gives me a big ole' hug and reminds me that I will see her again. Ironically enough, whenever I say Grace's name, Yer pauses and says, "Jesus?"  Gosh, I love her. We giggle together and I always tell her that I think Jesus and Grace are the perfect pair and I wouldn't want her with anyone else.  Jesus...written all over Grace's beautiful life.. THE PERFECT PAIR indeed.

                                     
Death has been swallowed up in victory.

Where, O death, is your victory.  Where, O death, is your sting?

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law.  But thanks be to God!  He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.  

1 Corinthaians 15: 54-57

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Eternally Loved



I had the honor of helping my niece, Emily, decorate a shirt for her 100th day of school while I was at my parent’s house Sunday.  My sister-in-law, Emily, mom, and I sat around the kitchen table and glued 100 little hearts onto her white shirt.  She was very meticulous in her precise placement of her little hearts and giggled as my we burnt our poor fingers on the hot glue.  Emily had purchased glow-in-the dark puffy paint and decided to add the additional “cool factor” to the back of her shirt.  The three adults attempted to coach her into planning out her design prior to her dumping the glue on the shirt.  There was no reasoning with this sweet child.  She was determined and had me smiling the entire time as her creativity poured out.  Since the back of the shirt was turning into a big blob of glue, I decided that it was about time to help prepare dinner for my mama’s birthday.  After I took out the vegetables from the refrigerator, washed the produce, and began cutting away, I looked up to see Emily’s sweet statement of love for her cousin Grace.  She had me in tears…two times that day! 




When Paul and I entered the house that day, Emily ran up to me and shouted, “I have something for you and Grace.”  I just love how she speaks of Grace… like she’s alive (oh how I wish that were the case) and it gives me goose bumps up and down my body.  After she dug around under my parent’s dining room table, she came up with four Valentine’s Day cards for the both of us.  She continues to melt my heart and never ceases to amaze me.  The connection she shares with Grace is beyond comprehension.  The bond that was formed when Grace was in my womb has carried even after almost nine months of her passing.  Blessed is an understatement when it comes to describing my feelings towards my precious Emily.  She has helped me heal from her passing in more ways than one and continues to remind me Grace isn’t forgotten.  I thank Him daily for the bond… the cousin bond that was formed between the two of them.  I’m sure Gracie is smiling down and watching over her loving cousin.  Grace is pretty darn blessed to have a cousin like Emily! 




On a day in which we profess our love for the ones in our lives, I'm reminded by the greatest, most perfect and unfailing love of all...the love of our Savior.  We love today because He first loved us (1 John 4:19). If you don't have a special someone in your life on this Hallmark holiday, remember that you are dearly loved by a Savior that paid the price for you on the cross.  You are loved far more by Him than any earthly being.  

Happy Valentine's Day, sweet Grace.  Mama loves you to the moon and back! Xoxo


Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.  1 Corinthians 13:7

Friday, February 1, 2013

Down The Road Of Bittersweet

Down The Road Of Bittersweet  

We had some good news and some bad news on a cold [December] morn
The test confirmed that we were parents, but there was something more
Our little [girl] had complications, and we were frightened as could be
But we decided to go walking down the road of bittersweet

The next nine months we grew together, somehow closer than before
And our faith began to blossom into something more
We would hold each other close and pray, then cry ourselves to sleep
We knew that God was walking with us down the road of bittersweet

Jesus, take my hand and walk beside me
And make my footsteps firm beneath my feet
I know You’ve gone this way before so guide me
I’m not alone as I go walking down the road of bittersweet

The room was filled with apprehension on the day that [she] was born
But when I took [her] in my arms I knew there was so much more
There was a bond of love between us, and I was never more complete
I never knew I’d find such blessing down the road of bittersweet

The doctor said we may not have much time before we’d have to part
So I treasure every moment deep within my heart
Soon we’ll have a little angel, praying for our family
I’m just glad I got to meet [ down the road of bittersweet

Jesus, take my hand and walk beside me
And make my footsteps firm beneath my feet
I know You’ve gone this way before so guide me
I’m not alone as I go walking down the road
I’m not alone as I go walking down the road
I’m not alone as I go walking down the road of bittersweet

By: Karl Kohlhase


Happy Friday, sunshine! I look forward to Fridays because I love marveling at your pictures. You are so unbelievably beautiful...it brings me to tears. This picture is one of my favorites because it embodies pure love and affection.  We simply could not take our eyes off of you.  God's grace was etched into every square inch your body, even your little dupa. We adored you...and still do to this day.  When I see this picture, I see a father and mother's love...a love that's everlasting, an unconditional kind of love.  I still wear the bracelet I made for us every single day.  It's one of the first things that I put on every morning.  And every time I pull it around my wrist, I remember you and how much my faith has been stretched during this journey.  If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have the relationship I do with Him now...to know what it means to trust and surrender.  It was such a blessing to carry you and I'd do it all over again... in a heartbeat. I know I say this a lot, but you truly are the best thing that has happened to your daddy and me.  You've even helped our marriage grow tremendously stronger.  Thank you sweet pea!  Loving you from here...always and forever!  Xoxo
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