Monday, March 25, 2013

A Heart Filled With Love

Thank you, sweet child of mine, for helping me better understand what it means to truly love.  I know that my love will always fall short of our Savior's, but because of you, I have a better understanding to your grandma's statement, "You'll never know the true meaning of love until you have your own children."

Oh, how I'd give anything to trade places with you.

I wish I could have given you longer than 2 hours to live life so that you could have been able to fall in love, feel the sun kiss your sweet cheeks, and learn about your Heavenly Father on this side of heaven.  But all of that would be selfish because you are in the best place possible.  You know Jesus first hand, which means you don't have to feel the pain of this world, the heartache, death, and suffering.  What mother would want to take that away from their child?

I miss you Grace.

I miss you so much it hurts.

Thank you for making me a mama and for filling my heart with so much love.


Love you Always & Forever,
Mama

Sunday, March 24, 2013

A Voice To Express My Heart

I've never been good expressing myself. My words fall extremely short when I'm writing and I tend to me more of a listener in conversations than the speaker.  After talking to four people this week about this very topic, all of them informed me that I'm not exactly an "open book" and tend to focus on how the other person is doing rather than how I am doing. I really don't like conversations to be centered on me, and so I genuinely try to be the first to ask a question in regards to the other person.  And when a question is brought up about myself, I brush everything under the rug and give the, "Oh, everything's okay," line to direct the attention away from me. One of my many short comings lie in the area of being able to tell people how I'm truly feeling.  Just ask my husband what we struggle with in our marriage. I know this will be the first things that comes out of his mouth.  I bottle up my hurt because I don't want to "cause drama" or better yet, allow the other person to hurt or feel down because of my struggles.  This has caused great pain in my life because of my lack of expression and opening up.  Thick walls have been created and in turn I've even pushed people away...even Paul.    

Likewise, I've never been good at telling people what I need.  Loosing Grace has complicated this even more. Looking back, I wish I would have called out to God and asked Him to bless me with a voice throughout this journey.  A voice to confidently express myself without feeling shameful or needy.  I've begun this very prayer recently because a great friend of mine reminded me this week that I'll be carrying her life and passing with me for the rest of my life and that I need to let others in because they want to help.  I know that God is my ultimate provider of my every need, but there are times when you need those closest to you to be there in support. 

After prayer, conversation with other baby loss mamas, and careful consideration to my true needs, I think many of us that have walked or are walking down this path of loss would agree that these are some of the things we need our would appreciate from our greatest supporters in life...


- I need to say her name.  
I pray that there will come a time where Grace's name does not radiate death and heartache, but an eternal life spent with Jesus. I pray that there will be a time when her name won't make other people feel uncomfortable or bring them to tears.  Saying Grace's name is extremely healing to me.  Please don't deprive me of this! 

- I need someone to ask me how I'm doing and want to know the real, honest answer. 
The loss of a child isn't easy, no matter how long he/she lived. I feel like society teaches us to move on and get on with life even though there is hurt that still resides within that person. There are times where I wish I could be "real" and express my hurt inside without the conversation being quickly changed to something else because of the topic. Contrary to what some may think, it is healing to talk about our child and the avenue to do so, is appreciated.  

- I need her life to be included in the count of children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews.  
Even though Grace is not crawling around on the carpet, holding her own bottle, or learning to talk, she still was our child and still holds a very special place in our hearts.  I feel like I die inside over and over again when her life isn't remembered in the count of the living children here on earth.  Just because my grandma passed away, doesn't mean I don't count her as one of my grandparents.  Why would we do the opposite to a child? I carried her for nine months, gave birth to her like every other mama, and we held her in our arms.  Grace's life may have been brief, but it matters and counts just as the other children.  

- I need care and gentleness with announcements of pregnancies, showers, and child births.
Both announcements of my pregnancies surely didn't turn out as I had hoped and as a result, my heart is more than tattered from my experiences   Although I've learned what Romans 12:15 (rejoice with those who rejoice) means throughout this journey, it doesn't make the hurt any easier.  Instead of Grace's life inside of me being celebrated and showered, we were planning for her passing...funeral expenses, death certificates etc.  I am truly happy for all my family members and friends that are blessed to experience the journey of pregnancy, but it's hard to be around when I carried my daughter, but never was able to receive the joy and experience of being showered like a new mother should be. Perhaps that's selfish, but I wish more than ever that I got to build/set up her crib, decorate a nursery, register for baby things, and bring home a healthy newborn baby, instead of building her a wooden box to be set in for the rest of time. A "handle with care sticker" should be sewn to my chest. 

- I need understanding and grace when being around newborns and distancing myself from them.  
I simply cannot bring myself to hold another baby in my arms.  I'm not at the stage in my grief where I could do this and not cry.  When I see a newborn, tears swell in my eyes, and I literally try to escape from the situation.  I try to run from the hurt that I still feel inside, from the aching arms that still exist, and the piece of me that will always be missing.  I pray that I will eventually get to the point where this won't be hard on me, but right now, it still is.  I pray that our friends do not take this personally.  I had no idea that when we chose to carry her, this would be an outcome to her passing.  I truly thank those that have been understanding through this whole process and are continuing to bless us with grace. 

- I need kindness and support on anniversaries and birthdays.  
Some anniversaries of her passing are better than others, but the constant support I receive from those around has been a huge factor in helping my grieving....the calls, the text messages, the pictures of dandelions, and Bible verses that are being prayed over us are constant support measures that undoubtedly help month after month.  I recently read an e-book on how to help a friend through the loss of a child, and showing support on these days have shown to help women all over the world that are grieving the loss of a child.  This has helped me significantly and after speaking to many other women, showing support on these days makes them a lot less painful.  

-I need forgiveness for not being the wife, daughter, sister, and friend I used to be. 
The death of Grace has changed me and my view on life. I'm not who I used to be by a long shot and I appreciate those who understand and have walked alongside of me in light of these changes. I also appreciate those who love me and have accepted the "new me,"  regardless of how I have changed. I'm not perfect and I fall short daily. Just as Christ has forgiven me of my wrong doings, I pray for that same forgiveness for not being the person I once was.  


A lifetime is an impossibly long time to wait to hold my child again (Jessica Watson).


Thursday, March 21, 2013

She Called Me Grace

I made a recent visit to my family physician that I have been seeing since the age of seven years.  I wanted to meet with her so that her and I could touch base about some recent blood draws she took and to discuss what the numbers actually meant.  When she entered the room, she asked me how I was doing and what I was there to see her about.  After reading her a tremendously long list of things I wanted clarification on, she looked and me a said, "Oh, we will have to schedule a follow up appointment to discuss all of these things.  Let's start with the most important to you, and work from there. I only have twenty minutes."

She looked at my records and saw that I had not visited her since 2009, so she wasn't aware of my miscarriage or the passing of Grace. She asked me to walk me through what had happened, the care I received during my pregnancy and after both losses, and how my grieving is going.  It felt so good to be able to explain both of my journeys with her and share my heartache. She kept rubbing my leg, wiping her eyes, and truly listened to my feelings. What a blessing!

After she consoled me, she began talking about the blood tests in which she tested my folic acid and homocystein levels. After joining my Anencephaly support groups, there has been a great deal of chatter about the difference between folic acid versus folate and the MTHFR gene mutation, which as been linked to this neural tube defect.  She excused herself to obtain research and when she came back, she was just as confused since the documents used the words folic acid and folate interchangeably.

She continued on throughout my list of questions and concerns, addressing every single topic with such care and the most gentle spirit.  She ordered a laundry list of blood tests to see if there are causes for concern and  to check my hormone levels since there were issues prior to getting pregnant with Grace.  I was directed to the examining table and while she did the routine ear, mouth, and heart check, she continued to ask questions about our little sweet pea, Grace.

She helped me off the table and gave me the biggest and longest hug I have ever received. I am a sucker for a good hug! I was told that she would call me within the next day or so to inform me of the results of my tests and would send my chat to an OB/GYN that she strongly recommended.  I gathered my things and headed to an area where I waited for the lab tech to call my name.  While I sat there waiting, I pulled out my phone from my purse and glanced at it to see that I had been in her exam room for an hour and a half.  My mouth hung open as I realized she stayed with me a whole hour and ten minutes over my allotted time.  I felt tremendously horrible that other patients were held up in the waiting room, but truly felt cared for and valued as her patient.  Since my mom and I share the same doctor, I immateriality called her to tell her what she had done. We both came to the same conclusion that we are truly blessed to such a loving and caring doctor.

On the 18th, I called her office to check in with the status of my referral to her recommended OB/GYN since I missed their call while I was at school Friday.  The receptionist transferred my call to the doctor and she said, "Hello Grace!"  I smiled and said," Oh no, doctor ----, this is Jessica.  My daughter's name is Grace."  She gently laughed and responded, "Jessica, when I think of you, I think of Grace. I hope you don't mind I said that. She's one lucky [blessed] girl to have a mama that loves her so much."

She called me... Grace.

Grace!

My own daughter's name.

What an honor!  

It was evident that she listened intently the day she spent so much time with me. Talk about being blown away.  And I most certainly loved how she talked in the present tense as she spoke of my love for Grace. In fact, she nailed it on the head.  Just because Grace isn't in my arms, doesn't mean my love for her has ceased. In fact, it continues to grow stronger as each day passes.

My doctor inspired me that day. I will continue to speak her name and not feel guilty when doing so.  I will tell her story with love and passion so others understand how loved she is by her Heavenly Father.  Her name will be spoken out of love and with purpose to bring glory to His name.  Grace's name will be said because it's healing for me and makes her feel incredibly close to my heart.

Grace

Grace

Grace

Mama, loves you...

                                                           
And your little piggies!

Monday, March 18, 2013

The 18th

I've been standing strong today.  The 18th of every month has proven to be difficult, but today was a different story.  I simply love when this day falls during a weekday because my sweet girls at school always say happy anniversary to her.  It melts my heart every time.  Another reason why I enjoy it so much is because this is what I get to look at when sitting at my desk. 



Beside the picture of my adorable hubby, this picture of her and I sits high above the piles of paperwork and books on my desk.  It has to be one of my very favorites because Kelly was able to capture a truly genuine smile.  Looking at her brought me so much happiness, I couldn't help but smile.  I also enjoy looking the sweet dandelion picture that was placed in my mailbox at school by an anonymous person and the fake dandelion that Yer, one of my students, made for me.   

I always begin my day by reading the Word of the day on K-Love and the Bible app on my phone.  Since my quiet time with God is spent in the evening, I like reading these verses to keep me grounded throughout the day and my eyes fixed on Him.  Similar to the impact of listening to Christian music, I repeat these verses over and over again in my head throughout the day.  When I woke up this morning and read Psalm 46:1, which states,"God is our refuge and strength, and ever-present help in trouble," I felt the Holy Spirit literally calm my soul.  This verse helped me to remember that my strength comes from Him and He is the One I need to go to when my heart is troubled.  After I read the verse, I closed my eyes and prayed that He would be my strength today and to remind me to constantly turn to Him when I feel myself becoming weak.  God knows my heart far better than I do and I was over joyed that He walked close by me today.  Don't get me wrong.  I know He is with us all the time, but today especially, I felt Him calm my soul and bring me rest.  


My sweet Grace,

I came across this picture (below) on Pinterest again and I instantly thought of you.  I pray these things for you so that you may truly know that you were formed by God's hands and placed in this world for a purpose.  It's almost been a year since I had you in my arms.  I can't understand why it feels like just yesterday you were entering this world.  Everything is still so fresh in my mind.  I still get these phantom kicks on the side of my stomach where you rested all the time. They feel so real that it literally brings me back to the time I carried you inside of me.  And as much as I hated having to say goodbye to you, I'd give anything for that time to have you back. Even though the journey was hard, there is something about carrying a child that is life changing. It is probably the best thing I've ever experienced apart from actually giving birth and meeting Jesus face to face.  God used your life to teach me many things, beautiful.  I learned what a miracle a child is and how everything has to be so carefully woven together for a baby to be born. Hearing your heartbeat, watching you grow in size, and seeing your chubby cheeks on the ultrasound machine made me realize even more how God's hand is in every aspect of the creation of a child.  He opened my eyes and although I wish it didn't have to mean loosing you, there was a purpose to your beautiful life. I'm truly thankful for you Grace.  God knew exactly what He was doing when He created you.  Happy 10 month Heavenly Anniversary.  I love you, sweet pea!



Monday, March 11, 2013

Continuing To Write

When I first began blogging I felt as though I needed to be writing every day or else I was letting Grace down somehow.  A heavy weight rested on my shoulders if a couple days had passed and my fingertips had never grazed the keyboard. I felt some sort of an obligation to write and I never wanted to feel pressure to share our journey. Writing has been healing for me. It allows me to let out my feelings when I may have otherwise stayed silent.  And those of you who know me, know that I'm more of a listener than a talker.   Blogging has allowed me to keep others abreast of how God is working through us in this difficult time, to show others how He was carrying us and providing us strength to continue journeying through our life, and to share Grace's life with the world by bringing hope and healing to others.  

Writing on this blog has changed drastically as the school year began.  I slowly began to realize that I wasn't going to be able to document everything that was taking place in my life as a result of Grace.  I simply found that there wasn't enough time in my day to sit down at my computer and write, even though there were many stories to be told. And as my writing becomes rather sparse, the number of page visits have seemed to dwindle rather significantly.  And when I see those numbers dropping, I question whether or not it's because I'm not writing as often or are people done hearing about our little girl and the impact of her life. 

Blogging was always so strange to me.  I always felt like people just needed to go out and buy a journal to write their innermost thoughts in, surely they shouldn't be writing on the internet for the world to read.  After we found out about Grace's diagnosis, I scoured the web to find information and real life stories of families that carried their babies to term.  I began reading many blogs and following families and their journey through this diagnosis.  Each of their blogs helped me to better understand my thoughts and feelings, and in turn provided me great support. The blogs that I read inspired me to share and document our story.  Even though I wish I would have actually started writing when I set up my page shortly after her diagnosis, I've found it to help calm my soul, even almost ten months after her death.  It's like therapy to me. 

However, I don't just write for myself.  I write for people who are just beginning to walk the path that I will be on for the rest of my life.  This space in which I use to write about how this diagnosis has shaped my life and has allowed me to connect with so many other mamas that have been given the same diagnosis or have gone through miscarriages, or similar losses.   Many have written me e-mails about wanting to terminate their pregnancy and through conversing, I am able to shine His light where darkness resides.  I am able to connect these ladies to the  support groups that have brought me so much support during my grieving process.  Also, I'm able to be real and honest about the reality of what may lie ahead in their journey.  I am thankful for this opportunity and I take it very seriously!  

That is enough for me to keep writing even when I feel like no one is reading.  I will keep pushing through my thoughts and the aftermath of my grieving, so that I'm able to share Grace's story and bring glory to His name. 

I fully believe God has used Grace's life to touch others through me, and I will not let that stop because of the busyness of my life.  I am thankful for this avenue to share how God is moving in our life and for the people that are continued, faithful readers. I thank you, for taking a moment to read the words written and for getting to know my heart a little deeper.   

Monday, March 4, 2013

Her Number

After several calls to the Social Security Administration and a trip to our local office with Grace's daddy, our sweetie pie was issued her very own number!

Last week Wednesday, I was on the phone with a lady who works in the birth registry department at the hospital I delivered Grace.  Prior to her knowing that I had just received Grace's number, she went on a rant about how babies that pass will never be issued a number due to identify theft and how ridiculous she thought that was.  You could tell I fired her up a little. She totally had my back.  I let her continue on and slightly interrupted her by saying, "It's a true blessing from God because Grace was just issued her own number!" She paused and said, "Oh my word. God is sooooo good!  This is unheard of, especially since I sent your paper work to the administration June 1st and a number was never issued. Way to fight for your little girl.  She'd be proud of you!" As I hung up the phone, all I could do was praise Him and smile from ear to ear. He never ceases to amaze me!

Thank you, God for continuing to be apart of EVERY aspect of Grace's life. You have blessed me beyond measure.  

I hope you know I'd do anything for you Grace.  A mother's love...my love, surely runs deep. I'll continue to fight for you until the day I die, sweet pea.  You are SO worth it!

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