Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Appreciating Every Moment

I’m not exactly sure where all the days in April have gone. Weren't we just celebrating Christ’s resurrection not too long ago?  Before I know it, my summer break will be finished and I'll be wishing for the sun to stay out a wee bit longer.  It saddens me that time flies by so quickly.  It bothers me even more to this day that not to long ago, I literally wished time away.  I never took the time to appreciate the moment that I was blessed with or value what I was experiencing. 

Grace changed that for me.

I was reminded again, while I vacationed with Paul and my parents two weeks ago that I need to live in the moment and value the time I have here on earth.  During our first full day at the beach, I sat in my chair, staring out into the ocean and was captivated by the beauty that was before me.  I turned to my left and then my right to view my handsome hubby pouring over his novel and both of my parents with their eyes shut and their heads titled back, taking in the warmth of the sun.  Tears of thankfulness began to seep from my eyes like a leaky faucet.


Here I was, in a place most people consider to be paradise, and in the presence of three people who are very near and dear to my heart.  To say that I was feeling blessed would be an understatement.   I took that moment to draw everything in… to hear the sound of the waves crashing in the distance, the seagulls squawking for food, and the laughter that filled the air.  I marveled at the crystal clear water, the white sand between my toes, and the bright sun that kissed my cheeks.  I continued to gaze at each of my loved ones, and thought about how precious they are to me.  I looked at them, similar to how I looked at Grace, and I felt an overwhelming amount of love. 

I shut my eyes, tuned out the noises, and thanked Him for the opportunity to travel, especially with my family and for allowing me to experience living in the moment...again.  I prayed for time to slow down so that I could take in every detail and appreciate the time I was given with my family. 

As time would have it, the vacation flew by in a blink of an eye.  We were blessed with gorgeous weather, time to enjoy each other’s company, and laughter that lasted well into the night.  Even though there wasn't a moment that went by where I didn’t think of Grace, I felt (maybe for the first time ever) that  I was able to truly enjoy the life I have been blessed with since her passing…to laugh and smile without feeling guilty.  And boy, did it feel good!



I’m certain Grace would want me to live this life to the fullest and appreciate all the blessings God has bestowed upon us.  I am so thankful that I have been awakened to a new way of living.  Each and every breath that I am given is a true blessing.  I have learned so much from being Grace's mama and for that, I am eternally grateful. I feel like God continues to reveal more of Grace's purpose for her short life as time continues on.  I'm praying He reveals more and more because it makes me one proud mama!  

  

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Her Perfect Little Patty


What an absolutely perfect little patty.

I'm so in love with those little dimples and her long, slender fingers.

She was her daddy to a tee.  Almost every square inch of her body.  It melted my heart.

I wish I had a picture of her other patty.  It was tucked snugly into her blanket, but was just as perfect as this one.

She was indeed fearfully and wonderfully made by her Creator (Psalm 139:14).

Tonight, I'm wishing more than ever that I could grab a hold of both those sweet patties and never...ever let go.

11 months after her birth and I continue to wear our Mother/Daughter (that is Gracie's around her wrist) bracelet proudly. In fact, not a day has gone by where I haven't worn mine.

She has my heart...forever and ever!


Gracie,
Daddy and Mama love you, sweet girl!  We send you lots of kisses today... and always.  Happy 11th months in Heaven.  We miss and love you more than you will ever know.  Xoxo

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Sharing Grace's Story

I was contacted by a woman named Amanda Rose in March.  Amanda writes for a Christian women's blog called Holy Hen House.  This is a space where several women come together to inspire and encourage other ladies while shining His light through every word they write.

I didn't personally know Amanda at the time when she contacted me on my Facebook account.  She explained that she had come across my blog and was going to be writing a series on miscarriage and infant loss for her blog and was curious if Paul and I would be willing to share our story.  Through many messages back and forth, we realized we had a mutual friend in common and I had begun to understand the pain she experienced though her miscarriage as well.

Amanda sent me a series of questions to get Paul and I thinking about our entry.  There were many...many times that Paul and I sat down to write and I was flooded with such raw emotions that I had to stop and come back another day.  Amanda received several messages asking when we needed our writing completed because I literally couldn't see the keys on our laptop from all the tears streaming down my face every single time we wrote together.

There were many questions I grappled with because I felt like both of our losses were much different.  When I miscarried in 2010, I was crushed beyond belief.  I was told from countless people that, "it happens all the time," which made me feel like I shouldn't have been feeling the way I was feeling. I felt like I never was able to grieve the loss of my first baby. Nevertheless, after hours of reflection, I realized that the little life whose heart stopped beating at 6 weeks in the womb was just as important as the life that rested in our arms for those two hours.  Grace didn't make me a mama, so to speak...our first baby did.  I struggled with that thought for some time because I didn't understand why I didn't feel that way before.  After spending a great deal of time praying and thinking, I realized that I felt Grace truly made me a mother because I was gifted full-term pregnancy with her and the ability to deliver her into this world. As I was trying to understand my feelings about this thought that was held captive in my mind, one of my friends posted this quote below on my Facebook wall.  It literally brought me to tears. It didn't matter which baby made me a mother. I am a mother to two beautiful children in Heaven. Even if I can't physically see them here on Earth, I know they existed and am certain they are safe in His keeping.  Motherhood...what a blessing.  


Sitting down and discussing what the two of us were going to write was the first time I felt like we truly poured our hearts out about our losses.  Since Grace's passing, we have never dedicated solid periods of time to discuss our journey and grief.  We'd sit and talk about the topic here and there, but never set aside time in our schedules for it. It is a priority for us now because we have witnessed the impact from writing this entry.  It has in turn provided us the avenue to be more open and transparent about what's being laid on our hearts. I never knew some of the things his heart felt throughout our journey and it has helped me to better understand the differences in our coping/grieving.

I truly feel that this opportunity was a blessing from God. Although it was difficult to write at times, seeing the impact on my heart and Paul's, and our marriage has been truly remarkable.  Also, I have received several personal e-mails and messages about my blog from complete strangers that have shared how Grace's story has impacted their lives.  Some have wrote telling us how neat it is to see God written all over her life and they shared how they have never heard of anencephaly and have now been made aware of this condition.  These were some of main reasons why I started to write in honor of my girl.  What a blessing!

Please visit Amanda's series of Grief to Glory where Paul and I share Grace's story and our journey through our losses.

Thank you, God, for continuing to place others in my life so Grace's story can be shared and heard.  Thank you for blessing us with Amanda and for placing it on her heart to share the heartache and pain of miscarriage and infant loss.  I pray, Lord, that you may use the entries in her series to bring understanding to the topic, but also comfort to those experiencing a loss or having walked a similar path.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

The King Of Grace's Heart

Wednesday marked Grace's Daddy's 33rd birthday.  It seems strange to think that we began dating when he just turned 25 years old.  My, have we changed since then...physically, spiritually, and mentally.  This isn't the best picture to show, but Paul actually had lush, curly hair back then! What a babe!


Looking back over the course of the years that we've celebrated our birthdays, these last two have changed me the most. I'm sure it's safe to say that Paul would probably feel the same way.  Two years ago, I received the most precious gift from my mother's friend on my birthday.  The gift was an angel with a baby in its hand and a note hanging from the angel's hand that read, "from above." You can view the gift here.  At the time I received the angel, we had not learned of Grace's diagnosis and so the meaning behind it and the phrase had not yet impacted me.  I loved bringing out the gift this Christmas because it was the first time I realized the irony behind it.  Little did I know that I'd be considering my daughter an angel baby so soon in life.  God knew this gift would touch my heart in such a profound way.

Last year at this time, I was still carrying Grace. I remember it being extremely warm out and my feet were horribly swollen.  On Paul's birthday, I had come home and kicked up my feet after a long day of work.  He was greeted by the two of us laying on the sofa with my attractive black compression socks on.  I'm being sarcastic, if you didn't catch on.  Those poor things smelled awful and made me feel like an eighty year old women.  However, they took down the swelling, and that made me one happy camper.  When we made eye contact, I smiled and said, "Happy birthday Daddy and my handsome hubby."  He walked over kissed me, rubbed his little girl, and began yanking off my socks (without me even asking) because I no longer could bend over to get them off myself.  We joked that his birthday present was the puff of dead skin cells that hit him in the face as he slide the socks off my feet.  Gross, I know!

I know it might be odd to some, but it was important to me that Grace showed her love to her daddy (and grandma for mother's day) while she was still in our presence.  I'd like to think that Grace would have been the quintessential daddy's girl.  Seeing the love that poured out from her daddy on the day of her birth was truly remarkable.  I can only imagine the bond they would have shared here on earth.

I love receiving cards and giving cards to others. When I'm selecting a card for someone, I study each and every word to make sure that they are true to my heart.  Even if the card is unbelievably adorable but the words weren't placed on my heart at the time, I won't purchase it.  I'd like to think most people are like that. When I was picking out a card from Grace to give her daddy on his birthday, I wanted it to reflect the impact that he had on her life. When I came across this card (see below) my heart filled with joy and my eyes with tears. Written in the inside said, " Happy birthday to the king of my heart." Besides Christ, I fully believe her daddy was the king of her heart.  He wanted to give Grace the life God had intended for her no matter how long that may of been. He was her protector and I'm certain she could sense and feel his love for her.


I wasn't able to make anything with Grace's hand or foot prints at this time because she wasn't born yet. Therefore, I picked some of Paul's favorite things and gave it to him as her gift.  It appeared as though it warmed his heart.  To this day, her card sits on his shelf next to her hand prints that I made for his father's day gift.

I've struggled since Christmas with whether or not to include her name on cards since her passing.  Partly because Paul said that others may think it's strange since she isn't with us physically.  I opted to sign our Christmas cards, "Love, The Morris Family."  I felt like then I was including her life, in an indiscreet way so I wouldn't make things awkward for someone else.  Over the last couple of family birthdays, I've changed my thinking and I've signed Grace's name along with ours because she is and always will be apart of our family.

I haven't received any negative criticism from it since and so I thought I'd continue the trend with her daddy on his special day.  I always wake up several hours before Paul every morning and decided that it would be best to let him sleep the day of his birthday.  Upon leaving for school, I took out a marker and wrote him a little note from his two girls. It made my heart happy to include her in his special day. Later on in the morning, he sent me the sweetest text message and thanked his two girls for the note.

Since Grace's passing, birthdays have taken on a new meaning in my heart.  Even though earth is a far cry from heaven, it's a blessing to be alive.  To live life in the presence of the ones you love is an honor for me. I appreciate rising from my bed each morning knowing that God has blessed me with another day to live.  We are all special gifts from above and I love rejoicing over each and every life that God creates.

As each year passes, I am reminded that God has granted me the perfect partner to roam this earth with.  Grace's dad continues to age with such grace.  He strives to life his life for God and always keeps our family grounded in the Word.  He continues to bless me with his gift of positive thinking, and for that, I am grateful.  Whenever I am feeling down and out about missing our sweetie pie, he always helps me see the joy that's coming and to continue having hope in Him.  I love her daddy more than the blades of grass or the sand granules on this earth. He is such a blessing to us.

Thank you, God, for the good gift of Grace's daddy in which you blessed me with.  I am eternally grateful.  
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