Monday, May 27, 2013

An Unexpected Blessing

Life has certainly been turned upside down these past couple weeks.  In the midst of remembering Grace through my 18 Days of Grace series, we received devastating news that my uncle Connie had passed away while my aunt was in the hospital recovering from her fall.  I know several of my family members read my blog posts and so I wanted to show respect and take a night off from writing about my loss when my aunt was going through so much.  Well, one night of not writing turned into several due to visiting my aunt, taking care of family needs, celebrations (Mother's Day, many birthdays, confirmation)  etc. I mean truly, the list of events could go on and on.

Because there have been so many moments this past month where God hasn't forsaken me (as always) and has carried me through many difficult days throughout the month of May, I will back track and share some of those wonderful occurrences. 

Before going back to Mother's Day, I wanted to share something that happened last week that made my heart fill with joy.  I've been having several of these moments lately where I look up and know that blessing was from God. This occurrence was one of them.  

During my prep hour at school, I turned on my computer and waited patiently for it to load.  The windows were open and a soft breeze came through the window.  While waiting, I looked up at the picture of Grace with the dandelion taped to the frame and reflected on how much peace I experienced on her one year anniversary celebration on the 18th (I'll write more about that later).  I thanked Him over and over again the strength he provided me and calmness I felt.  Once the computer loaded,  I clicked the internet icon so I could access my school e-mail and looked up again while it loaded.  The moment I looked up, the wind picked up and out of the corner of my eye I saw something float my way and land on my nose.  I titled my head down and began to bring my my hand up to sweep it off my face when the object fell onto my lap.  The second my eyes focused, I realized what had kissed my nose and fell...a dandelion seed.  


Now what I find to be a blessing from this was the fact that my office is situated on the third floor of my school and a ways away from the grass (that is covered in dandelions) that the children are not allowed to play on. What are the odds that this little seed would fit through the tiny opening of my window and land precisely on my nose? As Yer, one of my student's said, "It was Grace kissing you on your nose."  

I couldn't help but giggle.  In fact, I giggled so hard that it reminded me of when I was a kid feeding the seagulls that would dive bomb me while on vacation.  The moment I took the picture, I tried to scoop up the tiny seed with my hand.  As time would have it, a gust of wind blew it right off my leg.  I quickly hopped off my seat so that I could potentially grab a hold of my sweet surprise.  It floated safely into my hand where it now sits in my see- through phone case.  Every time I turn my phone over, I get to see the unexpected blessing from God, my little dandelion seed that brought a great deal of joy to my heart.

The theme for Grace's celebration of eternal life on the 18th was centered on dandelions and Romans 5:5 (Hope does not disappoint us).  I don't view dandelions as being weeds. I see them as unstoppable flowers that grow and thrive in the harshest conditions.  These flowers add such vibrant color everywhere you look.  It doesn't matter whether they are yellow or a fluffy white, they leave a lasting legacy of color.  


I remember from when I was a little girl playing in a sea of dandelions while at recess.  My friends and I would run out to the open field with smiles on our faces, dancing and twirling among the flowers. Pure innocence was upon us as we'd pick the dandelions and blow the seeds in hope.  We'd watch the seeds get tossed and carried in the wind to an unknown destination, wondering if the seeds would uproot another flower and if our hope would be heard and answered,  


I feel like I've been carried like a dandelion seed in a soft breeze through this entire journey by God. He has held me with His sweet embrace and I have never in my life felt so much peace and continual strength. 


I continue to wait with a hopeful expectation that I will be united with my sweet pea and the One that laid down His own life for her, for me...and for you. I have been given such an amazing gift in her and I'm so thankful He is using her life with such purpose.  I will never forget those precious two hours God allowed Grace to be in our presence. I will also never forget watching her drift away into her eternal life either, like a delicate seed blowing in the wind.  And although my ways are not His ways, every day I will commit her life to His hands and trust in His mighty plan for her and for my life.  

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

18 Days of Grace: Culver's

Since I was two days behind in my posting, I thought I better get caught up.  Sunday was a very busy day for Paul and I and we spent the evening at my parent's enjoying Cindo de Mayo with my family.  By the time Paul and I arrived home, I could hardly see straight from being so tired.  I didn't have the energy to post yesterday because I wasn't feeling that well.  I was slightly scared thinking that I may have a virus that was going around.  Towards the end of my work day, I had such an upset stomach with sharp pains, so I decided to take the night off of writing and to rest up.

Feeling slightly ill didn't stop me from remembering my sweet girl, however.  Besides pizza, Culver's custard was another staple food in my diet.  I think I could have eaten it for all three meals of the day and would have been satisfied every single time.  I started my maternity leave two days before I gave birth to Grace.  During the day, I laid on the couch and ate an entire pint of custard in one sitting.  No wonder it's taken me so long to get back into shape.  Gulp

I truly enjoyed my FREE kids scoop with vanilla and Oreo topping; the same kind I always ordered with Grace.  I enjoyed it just as much as I did with her!

Love you, my sweet girl! 

 

18 Days of Grace: Downtown Delafield

One of the most wonderful opportunities Paul and I were blessed with while carrying Grace was the opportunity to have maternity photos taken. I didn't think they would provide as much joy as they do. In fact, we really weren't considering getting them done at all.  We wanted to be smart with our finances and didn't know what Grace's cremation and services for the funeral home were going to cost us.  Plus, Paul really does not like getting his pictures taken (who does) and so he didn't seem to keen on the idea anyway.  

I remember contacting Kelly from Illustrations Photography shortly after my sister-in-law, Jamie, informed me of the non-profit organization called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. You see, Jamie has been a RN for roughly 11 years in the NICU.  She has definitely seen her fair share of families suffering over the loss of their precious babies.  I give these nurses so much credit for the strength it takes to care for this children and the sensitivity they possess.  God surely has blessed each of these women with such a special gift. I was so thankful she mentioned this to me because I would have never of known about this organization.  Through various conversations on trying to understand how her services work, she felt it in her heart to offer Paul and I the opportunity to take maternity photos out of the kindness of her heart.  

Kelly met us in the beautiful downtown Delafield area on an absolutely beautiful day.  I particularly loved the fact that Kelly asked me what I liked about different pictures that I have seen in the past.  I noted in an e-mail that I loved different textures (stone, brick etc) in the backgrounds.  When we pulled into the area, I was in awe to see how receptive she was to my suggestion.  Not only that, but she came with her different lenses strapped around her body and a bag filled with the little blocks that spelled Grace's name.  

Paul and I had never met Kelly before.  Besides e-mailing and talking on the telephone a couple of times in between her daughter's nap time, I had no idea what she even looked like.  I was so nervous to meet her.  I didn't want the interaction to be weird for her because of Grace's condition.  I also feared that Paul would be a total pill and huff and puff about the different poses and what not.  Thankfully, God heard our prayers because I have never felt so at ease with someone taking my photos.  She was extremely outgoing, tender, and complementary.  I've never felt comfortable in front of a camera before, but boy, did she change that for me.  I thoroughly enjoyed my time with the two of them.  And to think, our sweet Grace was there the entire time we giggled and smiled.  It was such a blessing to have her be apart of that.   

After having a couple of friends taking classes on editing, I have a pretty decent understanding to the amount of time it takes to edit pictures. When I went to the mail a couple days later, Kelly had sent the CD with tons of perfectly edited pictures. I was in awe to see how devoted she was to finishing this session with us and so that we could enjoy the pictures as soon as possible.  

As part of my 18 Days of Grace series, Paul and I went back to visit the spot Kelly so graciously took us to.   I am a very sentimental person and so I thought this would be a perfect way to remember her.  As we pulled into the area, I began to get emotional remembering the last time we were there, it was just wasn't with Paul...Grace was there too.  When we stepped foot out of our car we saw this beautiful rainbow above our heads.  I couldn't help but turn my frown into a smile.  I remembered that a rainbow is a promise from God that he will never flood the earth again.  God's promise.  He never breaks His promises.  I found great hope in the fact that God promises eternal life to anyone who believes that He sent His Son to save us from our sins. That made me think of Grace surrounding the throne, praising Him.  I can't wait to join her!




We walked the same path and sat on the same tree branches we did when Grace was with us. We laughed and made funny faces because we know that she would want us to happy and to enjoy the life we've been blessed with. And even though we wished that she were with us more than anything, we are just thankful we get to be her mama and daddy.  

Here are some pictures from our day remembering our sweet pea.  You will see that I've included Kelly's pictures of our maternity session as well.  






We ended our walk listening to another Cardinal singing away and capturing this beautiful picture with a  rainbow reflection from the sun.  



Sunday, May 5, 2013

18 Days of Grace: Grace's Cousins

My nieces and nephews mean the world to me.  It still amazes me how much joy they bring my soul every time I see them.  When my brother, Matt, called me Wednesday to watch his two kids this week, a huge smile popped onto my face.  It isn't often that Paul and I get Emily and Owen to ourselves, so I jump at the opportunity when given the chance.

My brother's family had to attend a birthday party for his niece on his in-laws side of the family.  They didn't get home until 8:30, so unfortunately, we didn't get much time to spend out with Owen.  In fact, in a matter of ten minutes after his mama and daddy left, he passed out on the floor.  Paul carried him upstairs and I tucked him into his big boy bed.  I'm not sure where the last two years have gone, but it's been such a blessing to watch him grow and develop into a loving little boy. When I look at Owen, hold him in my arms, or kiss his sweet lips, I think about what a blessing and good gift he is.  He steals my heart every time he says, "Jeshie" or when you give him a kiss, he makes the muahh sound. He even says Grace's name just like mine. It's adorable! Ugh, I love him to pieces. Ladies, watch out.  He''s going to be a heart throb.

Owen is their rainbow baby.  What that means is he is their child born after a loss.  Unfortunately, it wasn't just one loss that my brother and sister-in-law suffered through.  At the time I didn't understand the pain they...well, mostly what she was going through.  In fact, I said all the wrong things to her at time and didn't know how to be there for her.  I'm just so thankful God entrusted them with another child, even though I know they haven't forgotten about their babies awaiting their arrival in heaven.

Emily wanted her nails painted and was determined to have me paint them.  She went ahead set up her little nail salon in the living room.  She had a manicure and pedicure station, an instruction center, and a payment booth.  After I pained her nails, she wanted to paint mine.  She took me through her salon, explained all the prices, and gave me time to process what I really wanted done.

While I was waiting, she enticed her uncle into getting a mani and pedi himself.   My mouth literally hung open when he explained what colors he wanted  on his fingers.  Paul typically lets me play with the kids and doesn't interact a whole lot with them late at night.  He held his hand out and Emily's face lit up. She was more than shocked herself. She quickly grabbed the polish and began to work her magic.  She made us belly laugh with the amount of polish she used and how she didn't exactly paint only his nail. I don't think I've laughed that hard in a long time.


It was a complete blast to share that alone time with her.  I even enjoyed that I got to snuggle with her while putting her to bed. While we laid together, she explained that she wanted to name her daughter Grace so that she can always remember her cousin in heaven.  She did make sure to tell me though that her middle name would not be Annmarie because she didn't like that name very much (ha ha ha). Her bluntness always cracks me up.   I've always appreciated the fact that she's had such a connection with Grace since she was in my belly.  I truly believe God is using her to help me in my grieving and I'm so grateful for that. She always brings a smile to our faces and fills our hearts with pure joy.  Just as Owen, she is growing up way to fast and is wise beyond her age. I can't wait to see her continue to grow into a mama herself someday. It was wonderful to remember Grace today as we watched Emily and Owen.  We are so thankful for their family and the support they have blessed us with through our journey!

 

Saturday, May 4, 2013

18 Days of Grace: Za


There were many foods that I craved while carrying Grace, and Jet's pizza was definitely one of them.  I think we ate it nearly once a week in my last trimester with her.  Certain foods always got her movin' around like crazy, and this was one of them.  I loved it!

When I got home from work yesterday, Grace's daddy was sitting on the couch, relaxing after a hard days work.  I could tell he was hungry because besides giving me a kiss, he was already talking about what we were going to eat for dinner.  Without skipping a beat he suggested that we order some Jet's pizza since that was our staple food while I was pregnant.  I was shocked that he had remembered how often we ate it since it was almost a year ago. I'm even more surprised that he had an appetite for it after eating it so much.

Without any hesitation, I picked up the phone to order take-out.  I'm not gonna lie, I was excited that I didn't have to cook too.  =) After we drove to pick it up, her daddy and I relaxed and enjoyed some greasy pizza in remembrance of her.  And boy, was it good!

The only thing I wished I could have felt after eating the za were those sweet little kicks on my right hand side.  They made me smile from ear to ear.  She did always make me smile.  She still does!

Friday, May 3, 2013

18 Days of Grace: Love

If you have ever tried to call me after school hours, 9 times out of 10, you will most likely receive my lovely voice mail message.  Since my phone is always on silent while I am teaching, it never registers that I need to change the setting until I need to make a call. That is when I will finally realize that someone has attempted to get a hold of me.

That is exactly what happened yesterday. I came home from work and began making dinner because Paul and I were going to head to the gym, run some errands, and spend time remembering our sweetie pie together.  I never bring my phone with me when I work out because I don't want it to get taken when I place it in our "day locker."  I took my phone out of my backpack and was going to place it on the charger while we were gone.  As I plugged it into the charger I saw that I had a missed call from my aunt.  I quickly dialed my voice mail and listened to her message.  In an instant my stomach dropped.  She was hysterically crying and explained that she was in the ER at the hospital I delivered Grace.  I erased the message and called my dad to see if he heard what had happened.  He understood that while she was getting the mail, her next door neighbor's Lab pushed her down and may have broken her hip. 

Paul was working on a bid in his office, so I yelled up to him and told him what had happened.  I said that I was going to go to the hospital so she had someone with her before my dad and mom arrived.  As I turned onto the road that led to the hospital, it dawned on me that I had not stepped foot into it since I had Grace.  Thankfully, my postpartum visit was rescheduled to a different location so I didn't have to go back or to the OB/GYN office where she was diagnosed. It was also the first time coming back to the emergency room after my miscarriage.  I had such a heavy heart pulling into the parking lot and I fought back he urge not to turn around and go home.  With tears pouring down my face, I closed my eyes and prayed.  This wasn't about me.  It was about being there for my aunt.  Someone who has always been like a second mom to me.  Someone who was badly injured and needed support and love.  Someone who doesn't have any living children (she's a baby loss mama too) or a husband that can be by her side.  

I entered the sliding doors of the ER, received my visitors badge, and was told my aunt was in room 17.  I walked through the secured door and as I lifted my head, my eyes met the nurses station and room 4.  The room I was told that I had a "spontaneous abortion" and that I was no longer pregnant...my baby was gone.  I remember being so tired from the amount of pain I was in that I didn't even let out a single tear.  I felt numb to what I had just endured.  I was just so thankful that Paul and my dad where their by my side.  It was such a scary thing to experience.  Seeing that room again brought me back to my first broken heart and all the lost hopes and dreams we had for our child and for our family.  

When I walked into her room, all of her belongings sat on a chair, but she wasn't present.  I assumed that she had been taken to get x-rays of her hip to see if it was in fact broken. So, I sat there, in the empty room, while fighting back the temptation to listen to the voice in my head that told me to run. To run from the remembrance of carrying out a box of my daughter's keepsakes, instead of carrying out my daughter and buckling her up into her car seat.  To run from the pain of handing her dead body over to a complete stranger knowing that I'd never, ever see here again here on earth.  I was letting the devil win.  He was crushing my spirit and bringing me down in every way possible. 

I turned on my phone and clicked my Bible app to read James 1: 2-18 to remind myself that the testing of my faith produces perseverance. I need to hold onto His promise that she is whole, healed, and complete in His glorious presence.  Every good gift is from above and the verse brought light to the fact that I needed to be rejoicing over the fact He entrusted us with her, our good gift.  I praised Him for the price, his son, Jesus Christ paid so Grace, you, and I could spend an eternity in heaven, and for redeeming a lousy sinner like me.  I am so thankful He gives us rest when we feel like we have nothing left.  When we are frail and torn, He is always there, never forsaking us. 

Within moments of crying out to Him, my aunt was wheeled into the room, shouting uncontrollably from being in such severe pain.  I'm not sure how God wired us to be the way we are, but my motherly instinct kicked into overdrive.  I wanted to do everything in my power to ease her from pain, to encourage her, but most importantly, to pray for her.  My parents arrived within twenty minutes and helped to calm her worries about taking care of her disabled husband and what will happen to her in the next couple of days.  It was such a blessing to have them there to show her that she was loved.    

I don't give any credit to myself for making it the hospital that day.  I'm too weak of a person and I let my emotions get the best of me.  I made it to the hospital yesterday because I've learned that this life doesn't just revolve around me and the hurt that has come from my pain.  It goes much, much deeper than that.  Through these trials, I've gained a deeper understanding of what it means to love...to try to love like Christ would have, even in great pain and heartache. I picture Him being beaten, scarred,crowned with thorns, and nailed into the cross for you and me.  What a true picture of love.  I want to live like that.  I want to show the world the love He gave for me.  I want my actions, my words, and my thoughts to always radiate Christ's love.  

Even though our plans didn't turn out as expected,  I am thankful for the opportunity to be there for my aunt...to demonstrate my love for her and to show her I care deeply for her. Isn't that what Christ would do for us? Grace's life was certainly remembered as I relived my entire birthing experience with her.  She is certainly a loved little girl. 



Thursday, May 2, 2013

18 Days of Grace: Quality Time

Yesterday I committed to honoring Grace's life in little ways until the celebration of her birth/eternal life.  Paul and I decided that since her life began with God and the two of us, we should spend quality time together while praising the One that fearfully created her.

Her daddy and I went to the gym and worked out side by side.  We discussed the blessing of her life and how God has used Grace to draw me into a closer relationship with Him.  Since it was so beautiful out, we decided to hop on our bikes when we arrived home.  As we rode down a trail that is nearby our house, we took in the marvelous views God created, smiled at the five Cardinals we came across, and laughed at one another's quirky comments and the days to come.  It was a wonderful time spent together in honor of her.  She was at the forefront of our conversation, and that made me one happy mama.

After I showered up, I spent the rest of my night getting laundry done, reading the Bible, and listening  to Like An Avalanche in remembrance of her.  I still get teary eyed every time I hear the lyrics, "And I find myself here on my knees again. Caught up in grace like an avalanche   Nothing compares to the love burning in my heart."  There were so many times that I was on my knees in my bedroom crying out to God for strength. I begged Him to heal her so that she could live a life here on earth.  Even though my prayer wasn't answered for her healing, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace and came to an understanding that His plans were far greater for her than mine were.  I ended the evening by praying over her wooden box and kissed her picture that rests on my nightstand.  I marveled at her beauty while thanking Him over and over for entrusting us with her precious life.  


We are surely blessed beyond measure to be called her parents. I do take great pride in holding that title.

Thank you, God, for blessing us with her life.  We are forever grateful! 

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

May: A Bittersweet Month


It's May. 

18 days away from Grace's one year spent with Jesus. (Sigh)

I wish more than ever that I was able to write, 18 days away from her first birthday.  For as long as I live, I will always have to say, "Grace would have been ... years old." I hate that more than ever. 

This month will ALWAYS remind me how wonderful it felt to bring a child into this world and to know joy and love in a ways that I never thought were possible. On the other hand, it also reminds me of sheer pain, sadness, and hurt. Watching my child gasp for air and shake in my very own arms because she was going into cardiac arrest has crushed me beyond belief. Having to say goodbye to a little girl that stole my heart long before she was conceived was far more difficult that I could have ever imagined

I've been dreading for this month for some time now. I always envisioned the turning of May to be rather difficult on me emotionally.  It's amazing to me that through this whole journey, I continue to assume that certain milestones will be difficult. It's as though I begin doubting God's amazing strength and courage He blesses me with every single time.  However, God ALWAYS shows me that He has a different plan in mind.  

I woke up this morning feeling so alive in Him.  I read my devotional that focused on Proverbs 3: 5-6 (Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, but in all ways, submit to him, and he will make your paths straight) and I couldn't have felt His sweet embrace any more.  I walked out my backdoor to hear a beautiful cardinal singing away.  I traveled to school with my windows down and praised Him while singing along to K-LOVE.  All of these things, among many others throughout the day, were reminders that our God is so good! He took the pain and heartache away and allowed me to look at the beauty that has come from Grace's life.  He has surely turned my mourning into dancing! 

I am so excited to celebrate our sweet girl's life this month.  On the 18th, we will be celebrating her eternal life with family and friends that have walked with us during our journey.  Every other day until the 18th, I will be doing something small to remember the time we spent with her.  I will continue to update the different things her daddy and I do to honor her life.  
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