A Voice To Express My Heart

I've never been good expressing myself. My words fall extremely short when I'm writing and I tend to me more of a listener in conversations than the speaker.  After talking to four people this week about this very topic, all of them informed me that I'm not exactly an "open book" and tend to focus on how the other person is doing rather than how I am doing. I really don't like conversations to be centered on me, and so I genuinely try to be the first to ask a question in regards to the other person.  And when a question is brought up about myself, I brush everything under the rug and give the, "Oh, everything's okay," line to direct the attention away from me. One of my many short comings lie in the area of being able to tell people how I'm truly feeling.  Just ask my husband what we struggle with in our marriage. I know this will be the first things that comes out of his mouth.  I bottle up my hurt because I don't want to "cause drama" or better yet, allow the other person to hurt or feel down because of my struggles.  This has caused great pain in my life because of my lack of expression and opening up.  Thick walls have been created and in turn I've even pushed people away...even Paul.    

Likewise, I've never been good at telling people what I need.  Loosing Grace has complicated this even more. Looking back, I wish I would have called out to God and asked Him to bless me with a voice throughout this journey.  A voice to confidently express myself without feeling shameful or needy.  I've begun this very prayer recently because a great friend of mine reminded me this week that I'll be carrying her life and passing with me for the rest of my life and that I need to let others in because they want to help.  I know that God is my ultimate provider of my every need, but there are times when you need those closest to you to be there in support. 

After prayer, conversation with other baby loss mamas, and careful consideration to my true needs, I think many of us that have walked or are walking down this path of loss would agree that these are some of the things we need our would appreciate from our greatest supporters in life...

- I need to say her name.  

I pray that there will come a time where Grace's name does not radiate death and heartache, but an eternal life spent with Jesus. I pray that there will be a time when her name won't make other people feel uncomfortable or bring them to tears.  Saying Grace's name is extremely healing to me.  Please don't deprive me of this! 

- I need someone to ask me how I'm doing and want to know the real, honest answer. 

The loss of a child isn't easy, no matter how long he/she lived. I feel like society teaches us to move on and get on with life even though there is hurt that still resides within that person. There are times where I wish I could be "real" and express my hurt inside without the conversation being quickly changed to something else because of the topic. Contrary to what some may think, it is healing to talk about our child and the avenue to do so, is appreciated.  

- I need her life to be included in the count of children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews.  

Even though Grace is not crawling around on the carpet, holding her own bottle, or learning to talk, she still was our child and still holds a very special place in our hearts.  I feel like I die inside over and over again when her life isn't remembered in the count of the living children here on earth.  Just because my grandma passed away, doesn't mean I don't count her as one of my grandparents.  Why would we do the opposite to a child? I carried her for nine months, gave birth to her like every other mama, and we held her in our arms.  Grace's life may have been brief, but it matters and counts just as the other children.  

- I need care and gentleness with announcements of pregnancies, showers, and child births.

Both announcements of my pregnancies surely didn't turn out as I had hoped and as a result, my heart is more than tattered from my experiences   Although I've learned what Romans 12:15 (rejoice with those who rejoice) means throughout this journey, it doesn't make the hurt any easier.  Instead of Grace's life inside of me being celebrated and showered, we were planning for her passing...funeral expenses, death certificates etc.  I am truly happy for all my family members and friends that are blessed to experience the journey of pregnancy, but it's hard to be around when I carried my daughter, but never was able to receive the joy and experience of being showered like a new mother should be. Perhaps that's selfish, but I wish more than ever that I got to build/set up her crib, decorate a nursery, register for baby things, and bring home a healthy newborn baby, instead of building her a wooden box to be set in for the rest of time. A "handle with care sticker" should be sewn to my chest. 

- I need understanding and grace when being around newborns and distancing myself from them.  

I simply cannot bring myself to hold another baby in my arms.  I'm not at the stage in my grief where I could do this and not cry.  When I see a newborn, tears swell in my eyes, and I literally try to escape from the situation.  I try to run from the hurt that I still feel inside, from the aching arms that still exist, and the piece of me that will always be missing.  I pray that I will eventually get to the point where this won't be hard on me, but right now, it still is.  I pray that our friends do not take this personally.  I had no idea that when we chose to carry her, this would be an outcome to her passing.  I truly thank those that have been understanding through this whole process and are continuing to bless us with grace. 

- I need kindness and support on anniversaries and birthdays.  

Some anniversaries of her passing are better than others, but the constant support I receive from those around has been a huge factor in helping my grieving....the calls, the text messages, the pictures of dandelions, and Bible verses that are being prayed over us are constant support measures that undoubtedly help month after month.  I recently read an e-book on how to help a friend through the loss of a child, and showing support on these days have shown to help women all over the world that are grieving the loss of a child.  This has helped me significantly and after speaking to many other women, showing support on these days makes them a lot less painful.  

-I need forgiveness for not being the wife, daughter, sister, and friend I used to be. 
The death of Grace has changed me and my view on life. I'm not who I used to be by a long shot and I appreciate those who understand and have walked alongside of me in light of these changes. I also appreciate those who love me and have accepted the "new me,"  regardless of how I have changed. I'm not perfect and I fall short daily. Just as Christ has forgiven me of my wrong doings, I pray for that same forgiveness for not being the person I once was.  

A lifetime is an impossibly long time to wait to hold my child again (Jessica Watson).

She Called Me Grace

I made a recent visit to my family physician that I have been seeing since the age of seven years.  I wanted to meet with her so that her and I could touch base about some recent blood draws she took and to discuss what the numbers actually meant.  When she entered the room, she asked me how I was doing and what I was there to see her about.  After reading her a tremendously long list of things I wanted clarification on, she looked and me a said, "Oh, we will have to schedule a follow up appointment to discuss all of these things.  Let's start with the most important to you, and work from there. I only have twenty minutes."

She looked at my records and saw that I had not visited her since 2009, so she wasn't aware of my miscarriage or the passing of Grace. She asked me to walk me through what had happened, the care I received during my pregnancy and after both losses, and how my grieving is going.  It felt so good to be able to explain both of my journeys with her and share my heartache. She kept rubbing my leg, wiping her eyes, and truly listened to my feelings. What a blessing!

After she consoled me, she began talking about the blood tests in which she tested my folic acid and homocystein levels. After joining my Anencephaly support groups, there has been a great deal of chatter about the difference between folic acid versus folate and the MTHFR gene mutation, which as been linked to this neural tube defect.  She excused herself to obtain research and when she came back, she was just as confused since the documents used the words folic acid and folate interchangeably.

She continued on throughout my list of questions and concerns, addressing every single topic with such care and the most gentle spirit.  She ordered a laundry list of blood tests to see if there are causes for concern and  to check my hormone levels since there were issues prior to getting pregnant with Grace.  I was directed to the examining table and while she did the routine ear, mouth, and heart check, she continued to ask questions about our little sweet pea, Grace.

She helped me off the table and gave me the biggest and longest hug I have ever received. I am a sucker for a good hug! I was told that she would call me within the next day or so to inform me of the results of my tests and would send my chat to an OB/GYN that she strongly recommended.  I gathered my things and headed to an area where I waited for the lab tech to call my name.  While I sat there waiting, I pulled out my phone from my purse and glanced at it to see that I had been in her exam room for an hour and a half.  My mouth hung open as I realized she stayed with me a whole hour and ten minutes over my allotted time.  I felt tremendously horrible that other patients were held up in the waiting room, but truly felt cared for and valued as her patient.  Since my mom and I share the same doctor, I immateriality called her to tell her what she had done. We both came to the same conclusion that we are truly blessed to such a loving and caring doctor.

On the 18th, I called her office to check in with the status of my referral to her recommended OB/GYN since I missed their call while I was at school Friday.  The receptionist transferred my call to the doctor and she said, "Hello Grace!"  I smiled and said," Oh no, doctor ----, this is Jessica.  My daughter's name is Grace."  She gently laughed and responded, "Jessica, when I think of you, I think of Grace. I hope you don't mind I said that. She's one lucky [blessed] girl to have a mama that loves her so much."

She called me... Grace.

Grace!

My own daughter's name.

What an honor!  

It was evident that she listened intently the day she spent so much time with me. Talk about being blown away.  And I most certainly loved how she talked in the present tense as she spoke of my love for Grace. In fact, she nailed it on the head.  Just because Grace isn't in my arms, doesn't mean my love for her has ceased. In fact, it continues to grow stronger as each day passes.

My doctor inspired me that day. I will continue to speak her name and not feel guilty when doing so.  I will tell her story with love and passion so others understand how loved she is by her Heavenly Father.  Her name will be spoken out of love and with purpose to bring glory to His name.  Grace's name will be said because it's healing for me and makes her feel incredibly close to my heart.

Grace

Grace

Grace

Mama, loves you...

                                                           
And your little piggies!

The 18th

I've been standing strong today.  The 18th of every month has proven to be difficult, but today was a different story.  I simply love when this day falls during a weekday because my sweet girls at school always say happy anniversary to her.  It melts my heart every time.  Another reason why I enjoy it so much is because this is what I get to look at when sitting at my desk. 

Beside the picture of my adorable hubby, this picture of her and I sits high above the piles of paperwork and books on my desk.  It has to be one of my very favorites because Kelly was able to capture a truly genuine smile.  Looking at her brought me so much happiness, I couldn't help but smile.  I also enjoy looking the sweet dandelion picture that was placed in my mailbox at school by an anonymous person and the fake dandelion that Yer, one of my students, made for me.   

I always begin my day by reading the Word of the day on K-Love and the Bible app on my phone.  Since my quiet time with God is spent in the evening, I like reading these verses to keep me grounded throughout the day and my eyes fixed on Him.  Similar to the impact of listening to Christian music, I repeat these verses over and over again in my head throughout the day.  When I woke up this morning and read Psalm 46:1, which states,"God is our refuge and strength, and ever-present help in trouble," I felt the Holy Spirit literally calm my soul.  This verse helped me to remember that my strength comes from Him and He is the One I need to go to when my heart is troubled.  After I read the verse, I closed my eyes and prayed that He would be my strength today and to remind me to constantly turn to Him when I feel myself becoming weak.  God knows my heart far better than I do and I was over joyed that He walked close by me today.  Don't get me wrong.  I know He is with us all the time, but today especially, I felt Him calm my soul and bring me rest.  

My sweet Grace,

I came across this picture (below) on Pinterest again and I instantly thought of you.  I pray these things for you so that you may truly know that you were formed by God's hands and placed in this world for a purpose.  It's almost been a year since I had you in my arms.  I can't understand why it feels like just yesterday you were entering this world.  Everything is still so fresh in my mind.  I still get these phantom kicks on the side of my stomach where you rested all the time. They feel so real that it literally brings me back to the time I carried you inside of me.  And as much as I hated having to say goodbye to you, I'd give anything for that time to have you back. Even though the journey was hard, there is something about carrying a child that is life changing. It is probably the best thing I've ever experienced apart from actually giving birth and meeting Jesus face to face.  God used your life to teach me many things, beautiful.  I learned what a miracle a child is and how everything has to be so carefully woven together for a baby to be born. Hearing your heartbeat, watching you grow in size, and seeing your chubby cheeks on the ultrasound machine made me realize even more how God's hand is in every aspect of the creation of a child.  He opened my eyes and although I wish it didn't have to mean loosing you, there was a purpose to your beautiful life. I'm truly thankful for you Grace.  God knew exactly what He was doing when He created you.  Happy 10 month Heavenly Anniversary.  I love you, sweet pea!

Continuing To Write

When I first began blogging I felt as though I needed to be writing every day or else I was letting Grace down somehow.  A heavy weight rested on my shoulders if a couple days had passed and my fingertips had never grazed the keyboard. I felt some sort of an obligation to write and I never wanted to feel pressure to share our journey. Writing has been healing for me. It allows me to let out my feelings when I may have otherwise stayed silent.  And those of you who know me, know that I'm more of a listener than a talker.   Blogging has allowed me to keep others abreast of how God is working through us in this difficult time, to show others how He was carrying us and providing us strength to continue journeying through our life, and to share Grace's life with the world by bringing hope and healing to others.  

Writing on this blog has changed drastically as the school year began.  I slowly began to realize that I wasn't going to be able to document everything that was taking place in my life as a result of Grace.  I simply found that there wasn't enough time in my day to sit down at my computer and write, even though there were many stories to be told. And as my writing becomes rather sparse, the number of page visits have seemed to dwindle rather significantly.  And when I see those numbers dropping, I question whether or not it's because I'm not writing as often or are people done hearing about our little girl and the impact of her life. 

Blogging was always so strange to me.  I always felt like people just needed to go out and buy a journal to write their innermost thoughts in, surely they shouldn't be writing on the internet for the world to read.  After we found out about Grace's diagnosis, I scoured the web to find information and real life stories of families that carried their babies to term.  I began reading many blogs and following families and their journey through this diagnosis.  Each of their blogs helped me to better understand my thoughts and feelings, and in turn provided me great support. The blogs that I read inspired me to share and document our story.  Even though I wish I would have actually started writing when I set up my page shortly after her diagnosis, I've found it to help calm my soul, even almost ten months after her death.  It's like therapy to me. 

However, I don't just write for myself.  I write for people who are just beginning to walk the path that I will be on for the rest of my life.  This space in which I use to write about how this diagnosis has shaped my life and has allowed me to connect with so many other mamas that have been given the same diagnosis or have gone through miscarriages, or similar losses.   Many have written me e-mails about wanting to terminate their pregnancy and through conversing, I am able to shine His light where darkness resides.  I am able to connect these ladies to the  support groups that have brought me so much support during my grieving process.  Also, I'm able to be real and honest about the reality of what may lie ahead in their journey.  I am thankful for this opportunity and I take it very seriously!  

That is enough for me to keep writing even when I feel like no one is reading.  I will keep pushing through my thoughts and the aftermath of my grieving, so that I'm able to share Grace's story and bring glory to His name. 

I fully believe God has used Grace's life to touch others through me, and I will not let that stop because of the busyness of my life.  I am thankful for this avenue to share how God is moving in our life and for the people that are continued, faithful readers. I thank you, for taking a moment to read the words written and for getting to know my heart a little deeper.   

She Made Me...

a mama! 

Thank you, God!

Her Number

After several calls to the Social Security Administration and a trip to our local office with Grace's daddy, our sweetie pie was issued her very own number!

Last week Wednesday, I was on the phone with a lady who works in the birth registry department at the hospital I delivered Grace.  Prior to her knowing that I had just received Grace's number, she went on a rant about how babies that pass will never be issued a number due to identify theft and how ridiculous she thought that was.  You could tell I fired her up a little. She totally had my back.  I let her continue on and slightly interrupted her by saying, "It's a true blessing from God because Grace was just issued her own number!" She paused and said, "Oh my word. God is sooooo good!  This is unheard of, especially since I sent your paper work to the administration June 1st and a number was never issued. Way to fight for your little girl.  She'd be proud of you!" As I hung up the phone, all I could do was praise Him and smile from ear to ear. He never ceases to amaze me!

Thank you, God for continuing to be apart of EVERY aspect of Grace's life. You have blessed me beyond measure.  

I hope you know I'd do anything for you Grace.  A mother's love...my love, surely runs deep. I'll continue to fight for you until the day I die, sweet pea.  You are SO worth it!

I Will Rise

<3 Grace's Gerbera Daisy - The picture was taken today, 2/27/13. <3 

Nothing beats seeing your school district scroll across the television saying that it is closed due to snow.  Even though I was showered, the was coffee already brewed, and I was ready to go for the day, I did not hesitate to jump back into my warm bed for another two hours. I laid in bed as I heard my hubby roaming around the house and thought about Grace when I rolled over to look at her picture on our nightstand. I miss her.  My mind drifted to how wonderful it would have been to stay in our pajamas and spend the snow day with both of my babies.  

I will rise. 

Seeing as though I had the whole day to get things accomplished around the house, I thought I'd clean our upstairs so that we can transition it to Paul's office after it is painted.  If you've read my previous postings, you may know where this is heading.  As I was organizing the chaos upstairs, I decided I should get Grace's things is order since all of her belongings are up there as well.  I opened Grace's chest and began pouring over the heaping pile of cards that we have received since the day of her diagnosis.  I came across this beautiful pink card that read, " Remembering the girl you were...Celebrating the women you've become."  I knew it had to be from my mama since there was a picture of a girl in her mother's arms on the cover.  When I opened it up to continue reading, I saw, "Feeling so blessed to have you for a daughter.  Happy Mother's Day."  As the tears begin to trickle down my face, I began to read the scripture of Philippians 4:13 she hand wrote and her beautiful message.  Among many other things she wrote, I saw, "I have been brought closer to God through your journey, which I believe is a part of the plan in your, Paul, and Grace's life. You have taken care of your little girl like God has asked you!"  What a wonderful message to read! I continue to thank Him daily for blessing us with Grace and allowing others, including myself, to draw closer to Him because of her. I know that with my strength alone, I couldn't have done what I did for my girl; to carry her knowing she was going to die in the end.  I'm not going to lie and say that it was an easy path to walk down. There were many times I thought I was slipping into depression, but He was the one to pick me up, dust me off, and put me back on my own two feet.  I had a daughter to care for that was growing inside of me.   He trusted me enough to carry her and I didn't want to fail him.. or her while she was with us.  I pray that they both knew how much I tried to care for her and show her my love while she was alive.  

I will rise. 

While I was still upstairs going through Grace's things, my phone rang in a way that indicated that it was a text message.  The message was from my friend Lisa.  It read, "I'm printing a picture of you and Grace and putting it in Naomi's album so that she will know Grace's story and that mamas do whatever it takes for their babies."  It was the most perfect message to read and something that I really needed to hear, especially when I had been feeling down all day.  I know that message was all God. He placed it on Lisa's heart to send me a message because He knew how I was feeling and how it would build me up. And boy did it work! To hear that she's sharing Gracie's story with her own daughter and instilling the trait of perseverance in her made me smile from ear to ear.  Lisa is such a great mama and a terrific friend!  

I will rise. 

Nine months after her birth, her Gerbera daisy still blooms, and continues to bud in a pair.  Do you see the little one growing on the side of the larger one?  One always legs behind in growth, but there's always two together and that makes me smile.  I can't help but think of my posting several months ago about her flower and the one I just wrote entitled "The Perfect Pair." Jesus and Grace, the perfect pair indeed!  Nine months after her birth and I still long to have her in my arms.  I'm pretty certain that feeling will never subside.  And even though I'm able to laugh and smile again, there's still a broken heart under it all. Life has to continue on, and as much as I wish time would have stopped on May 18th at 12:18 forever, I know that there will be a time where I will get to hold Grace and my first baby in my arms because of  Jesus's death on the cross.  And when that happens, I will look at them both in the eyes and tell each of them over and over how much I love them.  I look forward to that day for many reasons.  It surely can't come soon enough.  But until then...

I will rise

Out of these ashes, rise

From this trouble I have found

And this rubble on the ground

I will rise 

Cause He Who is in Me 

Is greater than I will ever be 

And I will rise. 

Still holding on to what I know is true, Grace.  I WILL see you again someday.  I will continue to praise the One who fearfully and wonderfully created you and I won't EVER stop professing my faith in Him.  I love you, my sweet angel.  

What I Wouldn't Give

What I wouldn't give to have my arms filled with her again...

The Perfect Pair

Grace's 9 month anniversary was Monday.  I sat in an empty house flooded with emotion.  On my bed I sat with her ashes nestled in my lap and I wept.  I poured over her pictures of her birth and simply smiled. The realization hit again that God surely blessed us with an incredible baby girl.  A girl who will constantly remind me of His faithfulness.  As each month passes, I wonder who she'd be today, what new things she'd be learning or trying to do, and I find myself  lost in a sea of sadness. I often question whether this will ever get easier.

I never imagined all the hurt that would come of Grace's diagnosis and passing.  The pain isn't just there because we chose to carry her to term.  I often feel like people get the impression that I did this to myself.  No matter if we decided to end our girl's life at 19 weeks or carried her until God called her home, the pain would still exist.  Trust me, I am friends with nearly 2,000 ladies in my support groups that have walked down my path or the path of termination, and EVERY ONE says it's difficult.

I'm thankful for having family and friends that continue to support me.  It tends to make the sting of another month of her not in my arms a little easier.  My dear friend Michelle always reminds me that she's dancing with Jesus.  Her gentle words always seem to calm my soul and her sweet messages allow me to picture Grace completely healthy while enjoying her stay with her Savior.

Every month, the three girls I teach in the morning are the ones to create our calendar that stays on our white board throughout the month.  When they first arrived in my classroom, the didn't know the months of the year or the days of the week.  It brings a smile to my face when they take the marker out of my hand to work their magic and spell the words independently.  It never fails. As we work our way through the month to list important dates, Grace's heavenly birthday is ALWAYS displayed on the board.  They don't tip toe around my feelings because they think mentioning it may hurt me.  I'm sure by the huge smile on my face every month that they know it brings me such joy to see her name written on that board.  And when the 18th arrives, my little sweetheart, Yer, gives me a big ole' hug and reminds me that I will see her again. Ironically enough, whenever I say Grace's name, Yer pauses and says, "Jesus?"  Gosh, I love her. We giggle together and I always tell her that I think Jesus and Grace are the perfect pair and I wouldn't want her with anyone else.  Jesus...written all over Grace's beautiful life.. THE PERFECT PAIR indeed.

                                     
Death has been swallowed up in victory.

Where, O death, is your victory.  Where, O death, is your sting?

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law.  But thanks be to God!  He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.  

1 Corinthaians 15: 54-57

Eternally Loved

I had the honor of helping my niece, Emily, decorate a shirt for her 100th day of school while I was at my parent’s house Sunday.  My sister-in-law, Emily, mom, and I sat around the kitchen table and glued 100 little hearts onto her white shirt.  She was very meticulous in her precise placement of her little hearts and giggled as my we burnt our poor fingers on the hot glue.  Emily had purchased glow-in-the dark puffy paint and decided to add the additional “cool factor” to the back of her shirt.  The three adults attempted to coach her into planning out her design prior to her dumping the glue on the shirt.  There was no reasoning with this sweet child.  She was determined and had me smiling the entire time as her creativity poured out.  Since the back of the shirt was turning into a big blob of glue, I decided that it was about time to help prepare dinner for my mama’s birthday.  After I took out the vegetables from the refrigerator, washed the produce, and began cutting away, I looked up to see Emily’s sweet statement of love for her cousin Grace.  She had me in tears…two times that day! 

When Paul and I entered the house that day, Emily ran up to me and shouted, “I have something for you and Grace.”  I just love how she speaks of Grace… like she’s alive (oh how I wish that were the case) and it gives me goose bumps up and down my body.  After she dug around under my parent’s dining room table, she came up with four Valentine’s Day cards for the both of us.  She continues to melt my heart and never ceases to amaze me.  The connection she shares with Grace is beyond comprehension.  The bond that was formed when Grace was in my womb has carried even after almost nine months of her passing.  Blessed is an understatement when it comes to describing my feelings towards my precious Emily.  She has helped me heal from her passing in more ways than one and continues to remind me Grace isn’t forgotten.  I thank Him daily for the bond… the cousin bond that was formed between the two of them.  I’m sure Gracie is smiling down and watching over her loving cousin.  Grace is pretty darn blessed to have a cousin like Emily! 

On a day in which we profess our love for the ones in our lives, I'm reminded by the greatest, most perfect and unfailing love of all...the love of our Savior.  We love today because He first loved us (1 John 4:19). If you don't have a special someone in your life on this Hallmark holiday, remember that you are dearly loved by a Savior that paid the price for you on the cross.  You are loved far more by Him than any earthly being.  

Happy Valentine's Day, sweet Grace.  Mama loves you to the moon and back! Xoxo

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.  1 Corinthians 13:7

Down The Road Of Bittersweet

Down The Road Of Bittersweet  

We had some good news and some bad news on a cold [December] morn
The test confirmed that we were parents, but there was something more
Our little [girl] had complications, and we were frightened as could be
But we decided to go walking down the road of bittersweet

The next nine months we grew together, somehow closer than before
And our faith began to blossom into something more
We would hold each other close and pray, then cry ourselves to sleep
We knew that God was walking with us down the road of bittersweet

Jesus, take my hand and walk beside me
And make my footsteps firm beneath my feet
I know You’ve gone this way before so guide me
I’m not alone as I go walking down the road of bittersweet

The room was filled with apprehension on the day that [she] was born
But when I took [her] in my arms I knew there was so much more
There was a bond of love between us, and I was never more complete
I never knew I’d find such blessing down the road of bittersweet

The doctor said we may not have much time before we’d have to part
So I treasure every moment deep within my heart
Soon we’ll have a little angel, praying for our family
I’m just glad I got to meet [ down the road of bittersweet

Jesus, take my hand and walk beside me
And make my footsteps firm beneath my feet
I know You’ve gone this way before so guide me
I’m not alone as I go walking down the road
I’m not alone as I go walking down the road
I’m not alone as I go walking down the road of bittersweet

By: Karl Kohlhase

Happy Friday, sunshine! I look forward to Fridays because I love marveling at your pictures. You are so unbelievably beautiful...it brings me to tears. This picture is one of my favorites because it embodies pure love and affection.  We simply could not take our eyes off of you.  God's grace was etched into every square inch your body, even your little dupa. We adored you...and still do to this day.  When I see this picture, I see a father and mother's love...a love that's everlasting, an unconditional kind of love.  I still wear the bracelet I made for us every single day.  It's one of the first things that I put on every morning.  And every time I pull it around my wrist, I remember you and how much my faith has been stretched during this journey.  If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have the relationship I do with Him now...to know what it means to trust and surrender.  It was such a blessing to carry you and I'd do it all over again... in a heartbeat. I know I say this a lot, but you truly are the best thing that has happened to your daddy and me.  You've even helped our marriage grow tremendously stronger.  Thank you sweet pea!  Loving you from here...always and forever!  Xoxo

Grace's Auntie

Love u Gracie!!!!! :)

Grace's Auntie Jamie sent this to me this weekend.  I most definitely let out a good laugh...a belly laugh in fact. I simply love laughing.  It's been a hard thing to do since we found out about Grace's condition. My mom mentioned to me that she hasn't seen me truly let out a good laugh since the summer of 2011. I think she's right and I'm ready to change that.

This statement on the card is true though.  Grace's auntie is both brilliant and beautiful on both the inside and outside.  I love how she makes me laugh and constantly reminds me that Grace is on her mind.  Grace is truly blessed to have such a loving auntie.  I know she'd be proud of her and how she has comforted me throughout this journey.  I know Jamie isn't just passing her love and care onto me, but onto her niece as well.  We're so grateful for her!

We love you, Auntie Jamie! Xoxo

Love,
Jess and Gracie

Hope & Pain

I received a comment a couple days ago from a new reader.  Messages about our sweet pea always warm my heart.  It's so neat to have complete strangers read the words I write...to see Grace's life touch someone else.  Praise be to Him! Before I even put my fingertips to the keys, I pray that my posts are pleasing to Him, that I bring glory to His name, and that I share Grace's story in a vulnerable way so that I am able to shed light on the journey through the diagnosis of Anencephaly.  It sure has been a beautiful but difficult path to walk.  I know I fall short all the time of accomplishing the previous listed things.  I do not convey my thoughts or feelings in the most appropriate way, but I try.  And just as God gives us grace, it is my hope you'd do the same for me when reading my ever so scattered thoughts.   

I am one of those people that never really understands a person's emotion or attitude when they write over the computer.  I am extremely guilty of thinking a person is upset or frustrated by reading what they write. I do that by imagining how they would say the words I read in my head.  I automatically think their response is stated in a negative way.  This beyond a horrible trait I possess because it makes me defensive and a person I never wish to be.  The frustration I receive from construing false tone makes me put up walls and I do not give the person grace in which they deserve.  And so when I viewed a line from the comment I received from one of my readers, I automatically began to put up the defensive walls.  Without a doubt, I'm sure I read the words in a different light than which they were intended and I hope my words do not come across as attacking. That is not the point behind this post. It actually helped to get me to write. This comment just allowed me to shed more light on my journey with Grace and I'm thankful for this avenue to do so.  The person that left me a comment viewed the pictures of Grace in the hospital and commented on how she/he saw such pain and sadness... "The reality of that your hopes and dreams for Grace will never happen and that you have to let her go."  

I'm sure whenever anyone views the photos from Grace's birth, it is very difficult stomach.  When I see other Anen mom's pictures, tears begin to swell in my eyes.  Several of the pictures were captured when Grace made her only sound that day.  It was more like a squeak if anything, but it was a sound that pierced my heart because it was as though she was hurting and struggling to survive.  And I couldn't do anything in my power to make her better, to nurse her back to health like a mother should.  I felt as though I wasn't doing my part and it pained not to be able to care for my one and only daughter. What was portrayed in those images were real.  So real that I feel like I relive her birth every time I see them.  

There are other pictures, however, that portray a different image then the ones I previously referenced.  There were pictures of me smiling at the good gift in my arms, kissing her delicate fingers, and even laughing as Grace clung to our fingers.  God truly answered my prayers that day as I sat and took in the most precious two hours and seven minutes that I've ever been granted.  He blessed with me a calmness and a peace that surpassed my understanding.  We shed many tears that day as we returned our precious daughter to her Creator.  

As this person stated, many of those tears were tears of sadness, but the majority of my tears were tears of joy.  Tears that reminded me that Grace has a Savior that paid the price for her so that she may spend an eternity with him.  A reminder that she is in heaven where her every need is met and she's surrounded by everything that is good, pure, and whole.  The tears that poured down were tears of  thankfulness because God chose us specifically and allowed Paul and I to be her earthly parents for however long He decided.  I don't think it's any surprise that He had her take her last breath while I was in the restroom.  I remember handing Grace over to her daddy and smiled while I mustered up the strength to walk into the restroom.  The way he displayed his love for her that day will forever be etched in my heart and I am so thankful that she passed peacefully in his arms. I fully believe that God had that perfectly planned.  I'm not a strong person by a long shot and I truly don't believe I could have witnessed her taking her last gasp. I'm certain it would have hit me hard.  It's amazing to see God's hand in every aspect Grace's life. I'm so thankful he watched over us all that day. 

I came across a quote by Gregory Flyod that left me thinking about my sacred dance of grief and joy.  He says, "Our faith gives us the sure hope of seeing [her] again, but the hope does not take away the pain."  I remember as though it was yesterday...running out to tell Paul he was going to be a daddy.  While we sat down for dinner every night while I was pregnant, Paul would lead us in prayer.  He would ask God to bless our food to our bodies, to move our hearts to be more like Him, to bless us with a healthy child, to be parents that would instill a love of Christ inside our child, and we'd always close in prayer for our dear family and friends.  After we finished praying, our conversations always led us to our unborn child...the hopes and dreams we had together, as a family and for him/her.  After we received Grace's diagnosis, the reality hit that I'd never get to hear her say mama, braid her hair, paint her nails, build sandcastles with her, encourage her, tell her she's stunning, wipe away her tears, watch her walk down the isle, or witness her bringing another life into this world.  I was crushed every time I thought about what could have been if she would have been able to roam this earth. I knew God had the power to fix her and often times I begged and cried out to our Lord to heal her. Tears would begin to roll down my face and a flood of emotions would over take me every time I thought about my hopes for her...it still happens to this day. 

But every time this happens, I feel the calming of my spirit.  He reminds me that she has beat me to the best place where she is made whole and for that I need to be thankful. She is with the God that was pierced for our transgressions, crushed for our inequities, and healed because of his wounds (Isaiah 53:5). Grace will never be bullied, have a broken heart, witness someone passing, or partake in the countless acts of sin.  And even when I feel like my hopes and dreams run dry for Grace, He reminds me that He hasn't forgotten, nor abandoned her or us.  My hope always needs to be put in Him.  And one day, He will redeem what seemed hopeless.  

I did have to let Grace go physically.  I placed her into the arms of a complete stranger and never saw her again.  But just because I let her go physically, doesn't mean I have to let the memory of her fade away.  I simply cannot let her go. Period. She will be apart of my life until the day I die.  She will forever be my baby girl and with me wherever I go. 


Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope.  My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.  Psalm 119: 49-50 

Sustain me according to your promise, and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed. Uphold me and I will be delivered.  Psalm 119: 116-117 

She's Never Far

A seeded dandelion paid me an unexpected visit today.  What a sweet surprise! Both sisters that I work with at different times throughout the day noticed the flower in our read aloud.  They both pointed to it and made a comment about how the flower is a reminder of Grace. 

I love seeing things that remind me of her.  They brighten my day when I need it most and help me to remember that she's never far. 

When I see a dandelion, I think Grace.  And when I think of Grace, I think of Jesus.  When I pair the two together, I think of the word hope.  This one word will always remind me of the journey carrying such a special girl.  It was a time when Jesus carried me every step of the way while I carried her.  This journey has been such a beautiful path to walk.  A path I'd walk all over again if it meant holding her in my arms again. 

She's Alive Alright

I drove home from my parents house this evening with a dark cloud surrounding my car.  I fought back my emotions this afternoon with my mom by my side, but I couldn't help it being by myself.

My intentions were pure.  I wanted Grace's birth certificate and so in order to obtain it, I had to go to the health department here within our city limits.  My husband questioned why I was venturing upstairs on Sunday as he heard me digging through paperwork in our frigid storage area.  There are really only two reasons why I go up there.  One being to fetch wrapping paper, and the other is obtain our paper work for Grace.  When I walked down with my blue folder full of documents from the hospital, he knew I was up to something. As I plopped down at the dining room table, he sat across from me and just starred.  I waited for the, "what are you up to?" question as I continued to search through the documents.  Moments later, it came.

We never received her birth certificate or her Social Security number after she was born.  As I began to page through the sheets of paper, it dawned on me that we were told we had to pick it up from the health department and that it wouldn't be mailed.  Additionally, we never received her Social Security card when it was supposed to be mailed within 8-10 weeks. I remember filling out so many documents in the hospital with such a sweet woman for roughly an hour.  One of the forms we filled out was information for her SS card. But it just hit 8 months after her birth, and it still has not made it in our mailbox. Sigh.

There there two documents that signified Grace's live birth; her birth certificate and Social Security card.  There were many things I prayed for throughout my pregnancy with Grace.  One of the things was that she was born alive.  I wanted to feel the little heart that was beating inside of me against my chest.  I wanted to hear any little sound that came out of her and kiss her warm lips.  I didn't want her to suffer, even though I was told she couldn't feel a thing and so I asked Him to take her at His perfect timing.  When I was told that she was alive, I was completely in shock.  Through delivery process, one of the nurses stated that there wasn't a heartbeat.  When the nurse set Grace in my arms, I couldn't believe what I saw.  Her chest moved up and down, air came out of her mouth, and her blue eyes were wide open. He answered my prayer and allowed us to spend two hours and seven minutes with her! Thanks be to God!

When you are born, you get a number that identifies who you are, right?  It is such an important number that you are advised not to carry this number with you so that your identity does not get taken or other pertinent information isn't snatched from you.  In a way, it means your important in this world.  I'm feeling very protective over Grace and certainty don't want my daughter to be overlooked.  The SSN proves she was here, proves that she was alive, and proves her place in this world.  I know that I don't need a number to technically prove her place in this world, but it is another reminder to me that God hears our prayers. She was born alive...she deserves a number.   

I walked through the doors of the health department today, excited to obtain one of the two reminders she was born alive.  I paid the $23.00 I owed for two birth certificates and waited patiently for her records to be printed.  The lady that placed her birth certificate on the counter, looked me into the eyes, and said she was sorry for our loss.  I politely said thank you, handed her the money, put the document in my folder, and made my way to my mother's car.  Once I was situated, I opened the folder to see in capital letters at the top of the birth certificate, "THIS PERSON IS DECEASED." It took everything in my being not to completely break down.  Why is this necessary on a BIRTH certificate?  Isn't this what a DEATH certificate is for...to indicate that the person is no longer alive? 

I was crushed.

Before I entered my house, I had to get it together. I was a total mess...mascara running down my face, my eyes were beat red, and my sleeve was full of boogers.  Yes, I did wash my coat, by the way. ;)  I sat there in my freezing car, and called out to Him. I felt the Holy Spirit calm my soul and reassure me that a document doesn't prove anything.  She is alive.  Maybe not here on earth.  But she's alive... in heaven.  And I don't need a document to prove she's alive there.  I have a faith in Him to believe it's true.

Thank you, heavenly Father, for the gift of salvation.  I'm so thankful you ALWAYS meet me where I am.  You never forsake me and I am so thankful for your constant presence. Please give my baby girl a hug and kiss for me. Tell her that her daddy and mama miss her terribly and love her dearly!

♥ Baby girl, I don't need your birth certificate to prove anything.  You will ALWAYS be alive in my heart.  Save me a seat around the throne. I love you to the moon and back. Xoxo ♥