When I Least Expect It

It wasn't that long ago that Paul and I traveled to Mama D's to grab a cup of coffee and to chat about Paul's new business adventure with Jake.  Paul and Jake have been friends for years even though Jake is my age, which is five years younger than Paul.  Paul was Jake's Young Life leader back in high school and through which, a bond was formed.  Jake is very much like a brother to me.  I can say whole-hardheartedly that I love him like a brother too.  He's someone that you can just sit and talk to for hours on end.  He truly listens to my crazy stories I tell him.  I know this because he always follows up with challenging questions that make me think outside the box.  He is very much like Paul in the sense that he challenges my thinking process and allows me to grow into someone I never thought I'd be. Gotta love boys like that!

While Paul stepped away to talk to the Mama D herself, Jake and I got talking about the book that was dangling from my purse entitled, The Shack. I heard of this book through a baby loss webpage.  The ladies that read it explained how their husbands read and loved it.  Father's Day was right around the corner and so my intention was to get it for Paul.  Well, it never made it as his gift because Grace's hand prints that said "I love you this much" made his gift (and my dad's) so much more special.  At any rate, I simply could not put the book down and was telling Jake how much I enjoyed it.  Much to my surprise, Jake had read the entire book himself.  Since I had not finished the book, Jake reveled to me that the book had much to do with the concept of expectations.  Seeing as though I was struggling with this through my entire pregnancy, my ears shot up like a little dog.  He explained to me that when we set people up to meet a certain expectation in our life, we end up disappointed if they don't rise to the occasion.  Ultimately, we get down on them and start thinking irrational things about who they are as an individual and of the relationship we may have with that person.  He followed up by saying that we need to eliminate expectations focus more on expectancy in our relationships.   We should be living out truly loving relationships instead of trying to fulfill the expectations of man, or placing expectations on others.  I found this quote from page 206 to be extremely helpful when I was trying to piece together the valuable lesson Jake was teaching me:

 "If you and I are friends, there is an expectancy that exists within our friendship. 

When we see each other or are apart, there is expectancy of being together, of laughing and talking. 

That expectancy has no concrete definition; it is alive and dynamic and everything that emerges from our being together is a unique gift shared by no one else. 

But what happens if I change that ‘expectancy’ to an ‘expectation’ -- spoken or unspoken?

 Suddenly, law has entered into our relationship. 

You are now expected to perform in a way that meets my expectations. Our living friendship rapidly deteriorates into a dead thing with rules and requirements. It is no longer about you and me, but about what friends are supposed to do, or responsibilities of a good friend."

I learned that I had placed expectations of certain individuals and in turn, made my heart really bitter and I pushed myself away from them.  Allow me to be vulnerable for a little bit, but I often thought, My gosh, she has children... can't she understand how I am feeling? I can't believe they don't even care about how I'm doing.  Can't they just text me or pick up the phone and dial my number? I was there for them when they walked through their valley. Why aren't they they for me?  I'm sorry if  my thoughts seemed really selfish, but I expected those people to behave in a certain way and they fell short every.single.time.  After this conversation with Jake, I realized what I did, and I immediately sought forgiveness.  I truly learned not to place expectations on others and I understand how detrimental that was to the relationship that existed.  I now try to live by expectancy and not place certain rules or expect people to perform a in a way that merits my approval.  And you know what?  I've been finding that when those rules and performance measures are erased, God works in remarkable ways.  Let me explain...

It's been a fear of mine that people will forget my little girl.  A fear that people think that Jessica's baby girl is dead and so is her memory.  And while that may be true for some, I want so badly for her to live on in the hearts and souls of all of those who have been touched by her life.  When my guard comes down and my expectations are turned into expectancy, I am beyond blessed.  On Friday morning I received the sweetest message from my friend Erin saying, "I think of you and Grace every Friday. Sending love your way."  I didn't expect a message like that from her, but let me tell you, if left me in tears.  Or when I get messages from my sister-in-law, Jamie, telling me stories about Emily and how the every time they hear Molly talk in Bubble Guppies, they wonder what Grace's voice would have sounded like.  The sweet messages I receive on Facebook from people telling me how our story has touched their lives, how they are praying for us, or remember her heavenly anniversary.  Or when I receive a CD and a picture book from a friend of a friend, Katelyn (who's become my friend) in the mail. I didn't place these expectations on them, but they blessed me beyond measure.   

Today was one of those days when I least expected to receive something like I did.  When I walked in the house, Paul shouts, "Michelle sent you a package."  I responded back as I took off my coat, "What the heck could she possibly be sending me?"  As I opened the card and read the words so beautifully written on the card (the words, not her handwriting..ha ha, Michelle) my eyes filled with tears and my heart filled with both love and joy.  The card read, "Hey girlfriend - You're on my heart...and in my prayers."  And among the many beautiful things she wrote, the line that most stuck out was, "I am always thinking about you and Paulie.  You guys are in my daily prayers and I think of Gracie often."  Along with the wonderful card, she sent a book called, The Christmas Box.  She stated that the book has inspired statues like the picture of the one she sent me and hopes the book will provide me with love and peace. I am looking forward to jumping into my warm bed and to end my night reading this and spending time God. 

This, again, goes to show me that I can't place expectations on my relationships.  If you are finding that you have a tendency to do this, you're not alone.  But I challenge you to allow God to help you remove those expectations from your life.  I know that when I turn to Him to explain my feelings or express my thoughts about the person I felt hurt by, my heart doesn't begin to harden and the relationship remains centered on expectancy.  I am so thankful God used Jake to open my eyes to this idea and to understand how crucial this concept can be with all the relationships (even the most important one I have...the one with Christ) I have.  

Thank you to all the gentle souls that remind me, when I'm least expecting it, that my little girl's memory still lives on.  You bless me on a daily basis by your prayers, even if your actions are not outwardly visible.  I appreciate your prayers more than you will ever know.  We have an awesome God and I'm so blessed by the love and support we have been given throughout our journey.

Thank you God, for blessing me with such selfless individuals.  I am humbled by their love on a daily basis. 

The Palm of His Hand

It's been nearly two weeks that this picture has sat on my computer without writing about it.  Shame on me! The Friday that I was home sick, I received a message from my friend, Michelle. She had taken her dog for a walk and went by the statue where she had placed flowers for Grace's 6 month heavenly anniversary.  When she walked passed, she noticed that a rose was placed in one of the angel's hands.  She sent me the picture to show me what had been done.

The moment I saw this picture, I thought to myself,  He's got her and us in the palm of His hand...never, ever letting go!  It's amazing to travel through a trial in my own life and to see every. single. part radiate God's goodness.  He held me ever so tightly and reassured me on a daily basis that He wouldn't let me fall.  I felt it...wholeheartedly.  I felt His strength, His power, His love, and His peace every second of every day.  I still do to this day. If I feel this amount of love from our Lord here on Earth, I can't imagine what love will be like in the greatest place of all...heaven.  My girl is there.  I know in my heart she is. And I have the faith to believe it's true.  I'm so thankful that she has been blessed with the greatest and most perfect love of all...the love from her Heavenly Father.  My love would never compare...not even a little bit.

Loving you from here, pretty girl! <3 Mama

Christmas Memories

The funeral home where Grace was cremated hosted a beautiful Christmas Memories service yesterday to remember those that have gone before us this year.  The service was held at Our Redeemer church which was located next door to the funeral home.  Ironically enough, my grandmother frequented that same church when she was alive.  The church was built in between her apartment building and the funeral home. She would attend that church when she couldn't make the trip to her home church because of the weather.  It is such a stunning church!  About seven years ago, my parents, aunt, and I attended the exact same service to remember the life of my wonderful grandmother...a women who had the most beautiful, compassionate, and caring heart.  I thought about her a lot yesterday as well, especially when singing Silent Night.  I remember the last Christmas Eve service she attended with us and she sat right next to me in the pew.  As we were singing the song, she was so off key that it made me smile and realize that I'd never get to hear her sing Silent Night ever again.  Needless to say, I was a complete mess at the end.  I think of her every time I hear/sing the melody  She is so dearly missed by us all! 

Paul and I were beyond blessed to have my entire family (parents, aunt Linda, brother & wife, nieces, and nephew) join us for this special service.  It reminded me of the day that she was born and it literally brought me to tears.  The same people who were there to support us the day she arrived and passed were there to remember those two hours we were graced with.  My nieces and nephew were also able to join us at the service, even though they were never able to meet their little cousin.  My heart was filled with so much joy.  My other brother Matt and his wife Jamie were unable to attend because she had to work and he had to stay home with his two year old son.  Much to my surprise, Emily (my brother's daughter and Grace's cousin who adores her) walked in with my parents.  It was so nice to have her there to represent their family.  I imagine our sweet Grace smiling down as she watched us all sitting together in the pew and listening to the story of our Savior's beautiful birth.


Prior to the service, my sister-in-law handed me a lovely wrapped gift.  I waited to open it until we sat down.  I was holding it together pretty well until I actually opened it.  When I pulled the gift out of it's bag, I instantly saw Grace's name engraved with two little baby feet on a beautiful metal angel with the year 2012 dangling from the top.  So many emotions surfaced and I couldn't control the tears.  I did everything I possible could from not shedding a tear, but they were meant to pour.

Seeing those little feet on that ornament brought me back to my pregnancy and her birth. Among the many things that I adored about Grace's body, her little hands and feet were so precious and absolutely perfect.  Once Grace was large enough in my womb, I was always able to feel her little feet dancing away and her hands always brushed the lower part of my stomach. That feeling was something that always made me smile when I was feeling down during my pregnancy.  It was a reminder that she was still with me and that I had so much to be thankful during the hardest time of my life.  I also wrote about her feet in a post titled Walking With The Lord. Here I expressed how her feet represented my walk with the Lord through our journey with her.  The valley in my life allowed my walk with Jesus Christ to deepen and grow two-fold. 

Seeing her name engraved on the ornament made me think about all the times I felt she never existed in this world.  I know the topic of loss is very difficult for people and I understand some don't know what to say or do.  I often feel like my whole pregnancy and her birth were a figment of everyone's imagination.  Her name is never mentioned...unless it's by a little 6 year old that loves to draw her cousin pictures and write her name or on her heavenly anniversaries.  I get that talking about a dead baby is awkward, but I often feel like because of that, she never existed in their minds.  I especially felt that way throughout my entire pregnancy with my one brother and sister-in-law. They never seemed to ask me how I was doing or acted as though they cared about my trail.  My feelings were terribly hurt and my heart really began to harden. I asked so many people to join me in prayer asked the Lord to soften my heart. Yesterday I realized that the devil had a good grip on me. When I saw her name, it made me realize that she wasn't forgotten by them, they did care, and that God does hear and answer prayers.  I continue to look at the beautiful ornament hanging from the tree and am reminded of God's grace and mercy He has given us.  I picture Grace with the angels surrounding the throne, worshiping the One that created us all with such purpose.  I'm so thankful for this wonderfully thoughtful gift that I am able to hang on my tree year after year.  I pray that I continue to remember all of the wonderful things that this ornament represents to me.

Besides my family being there on the day of her birth, I have never felt as loved as I did yesterday.  I was so thankful for them to take time away from their busy schedules to join Paul and I as we celebrated the life of our little girl and our Savior.  I'm sure most of them attended to support the two of us in our journey, but it made me so happy to know that they were there for Grace as well.  They will never get to attend any recitals, sporting events, graduations, or her wedding day...but they were there for this and I felt like they were there to cheer her on as they would have for any other event.  It made me realize how much I value each one of them in my life and appreciate their presence. I have the best family...hands down!  They are truly loved by the three of us! 

God is so good!

Roots of Gratitude

It seems so weird that Thanksgiving has come and gone in what seems like blink of an eye.  I still haven't been feeling up to par and spent most of my Thanksgiving in bed sleeping.  The other half was spent at Paul's grandparent's house and my parents in the evening.  Since I slept until almost 2:30 that day, I was wide awake in the evening (which is VERY unlike me).  After looking through the Black Friday ads, I convinced Paul to go out with me. It didn't take much convincing.  He is a night owl and loves when I'm up for doing something out of the norm. There wasn't anything we truly needed or wanted, but I wanted to experience what this whole shopping craze was like.  We headed to the mall to look at some tools for Paul and wound up walking out of Sears ten minutes later because he didn't like what he saw on sale.  I had been toying around with the idea of picking up sewing because Kara (a dear friend) sews her little heart.  She made me the most beautiful Christmas pillow last year and made Grace's beautiful quilt.  I thought it would be something fun to bond over and to be able to create one of a kind gifts for people.  There's something about a handcrafted gift that makes my heart skip a beat.  When Kara blesses me with her gifts and thoughtfulness is melts my heart because I know she took time to work on something for me and she has impeccable taste.  My hope is to pass on what she has blessed me with, so that I may too make others feel the same way.  Walmart had a Singer sewing machine on sale and since I don't know ANYTHING about sewing, I thought I'd go take a peak at it.  Paul and I made our way to the closest Walmart around midnight and our mouths hung open as we pulled into the parking lot.  As found a spot and walked into the store, I continued to stand in awe.  The lines for the check- out weaved their way throughout the entire store.  Carts were packed full and people were dashing around the store like crazy.  I was utterly amazed.  Needless to say we did not stay there for long and made our way home empty handed, but happy to have spent time laughing and being in each others presence. I love my hubby!

The whole concept of Black Friday after Thanksgiving really got me thinking.  I find it funny that one day is dedicated to recognizing our gratitude for our blessings and then hours later we (including myself) are out trying get the best deals on whatever we want or may need...sometimes forgetting what we were just thankful for.

As I laid in bed that evening, I began praying and asking God to help me be more aware of the blessings bestowed on me and to thank him daily for those blessings no matter what the circumstances may be.  Looking back over the course of this year, I have so much to be thankful for even though our little girl couldn't be with us. I am most thankful my renewed faith and relationship I have with the One that gave me life.  I believe I had to walk through this valley in order to realize that my relationship with God wasn't anywhere it should be.  I was broken and my heart was shattered when we heard the news of her diagnosis.  I know some people would have turned their back on God over such a difficult situation, but the circumstance allowed me to call out to Him even more.  He made me realize that He was the only one going to carry me through my trail and show me what it means to submit and surrender. He constantly reminded me that He would not forsake me.

I'm so thankful for being chosen to carry such an unbelievably unique and precious little girl. I know our story is no where near the story of Mary in the Bible, as she was chosen by God to give birth to his Son, Jesus, but I'd like to look at one similarity.  God hand selected her to be the mother of our Lord and Savior.  What an unbelievable gift! I felt very much like Mary because He selected ME to be the mother to Grace...and my dear friend Lisa always reminded me of that. I felt so blessed that He entrusted me with a life so fragile and knew that I would be equipped to be her mama.

I'm thankful for the understanding that God has a plan for me and that I need to be still and know that He is in full control...in control over the good and not so good in my life; always remembering that the not so good happenings can bring divine goodness, grace, and mercy into sharper focus.  Lisa Harper states her a recent blog post for Women of Faith, "I’m learning that the roots of gratitude grow deepest in the sober soil of remembering how hopeless my life is without God." This was the year that taught me how much I need Him in my daily life...not just when times are rough, but all the days of my life.  Oh thank you, Lord, for saving a wretch like me! Thank you for being my rock to which I always cling!  

Oh, God, when I have food
help me to remember the hungry;
When I have work, help me
to remember the jobless;
When I have a warm home,
help me to remember the homeless;
When I am without pain,
help me to remember those who suffer;
And remembering, help me
to destroy my complacency
and bestir my compassion.
Make me concerned enough
to help, by word and deed,
those who cry out
for what we take for granted.

~ Samuel. F. Pugh

"For I was hungry and you gave Me food, I was thirsty and you gave Me drink. I was a stranger and you welcomed Me..." - Matthew 25:35

Lovin' on Gracie

I still can't get over the fact that it's been 6 months since our little darling was snuggled up in her hospital blanket. I still take her blanket out of her chest where it is folded up in a plastic bag and wrap my face in it.  I draw in a deep breath to take in the sweet smell that still lingers within.  Looking at that blanket reminds me what a little fighter she was and it brings a smile upon my face.  On the edge of it there is a dried blood stain from where her sweet head rested.  The blood had soaked through her hat, onto the blanket, and even onto me.  My mom washed the blood out of a bonnet she had on and offered to take those home as well, but I declined the offer.  It was the only blanket and hat that she would ever able to leave her mark on and I wanted to keep it exactly the way it was!

The days leading up to her anniversary were filled with joy and happiness.  I felt like it was the first month where I was excited to celebrate her entering eternity.  I want to send a special thank you to any of my readers that had us in your prayers as Sunday approached.  I believe with my whole heart because of so many individuals out there who joined us in prayer throughout our journey, He has heard and answered every single one, along with walking with me every step I've taken...and when I stumble and go back ten steps, He's right there with me.  There are so many people in our lives that showed their love for us and our little girl yesterday that it took my breath away...from the early morning phone calls, text messages, e-mails, cards, prayers, and other remarkable things...THANK YOU!  Your thoughtfulness and consideration remind us how we want to live out our lives...to show others what Christ's love looks like.  

As I was speaking to, Michelle, one of my best friends since second grade on Saturday, she told me about this beautiful statue of an angel that wasn't to far from where she lived...it was called Angel of Hope.  On Sunday, I received this beautiful picture of the angel from her in remembrance of Gracie's 6 month anniversary.  She purchased pale pink roses (which her mom said meant "Grace") and placed them under the gorgeous statue.  I tried to look closely at the picture because I thought she had gotten her 6 roses for her 6 month anniversary.  As I zoomed in, I was struck by how many more I thought I saw. Michelle confirmed and she purchased her a DOZEN.  In all my almost twenty-eight years, I have never received that many beautiful roses.  I was blown away by her love for my little girl. 

When she sent me this picture, I remembered Romans 5:4-5, which says, "And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love" (NLT). Hope of salvation...hope that will NOT lead to disappointment...God loves us! What beautiful reminders on the anniversary of her entering eternity!  Praise be to Him!

 A very special thank you to my best friend, Micki, for lovin' on our sweetie pie!  You exuded selflessness and constantly help me to see that life is about making those around you feel loved and adored. Thank you helping me see the areas that I change so that I may too, build treasures in Heaven.  You've been such a wonderful Auntie to Grace and an unbelievable support system throughout this journey. LYLAS! Muahh!  

Not A Mistake

Sweetie Pie,
  I saw this on another Anencephaly mom's website.  I'm sure you've met handsome Colin already, but it was his mama who posted this picture.  The moment I saw this, I wept.  I can't tell you how many times your daddy and I sat in prayer asking God to bless us with you.  He heard those prayers, Grace, and he answered!  He answered by delivering you to us...one gift that has accomplished SO much!

Honey, I am so sorry that I even hesitated for a moment when the doctor told us our options, because you weren't a mistake.  No child is! You were created for a purpose and your days (or hours) were numbered just like mine are.  I sit and mull over that thought all the time.  I thank God daily for placing and using certain individuals in my life to light my path during that time...to revel God's glory and to allow me to understand how precious life is and that it wasn't in my power to end your life.  I thank God for the pictures I saw on the internet that sparked the reality of what I was considering. I thank Him for those long, tear-filled conversations with your daddy and grandma shortly after your diagnosis.

You see, I think every. single. part of that was in God's plan for me.  Because of the unbelievable blessing of you Grace, my faith and grown and matured so much.  He has used YOUR life to reach and change me and I fully believe most mothers cannot say that about their child. I pray, Grace, that you can forgive me of my thoughts and know you were not mistake. I pray that you may know how thankful I am for those short two hours where you rested in my arms and how I blessed  felt to be able to gaze and touch every inch of sheer perfectness.  Tomorrow it will be your 6 month anniversary spent in Heaven, little one.  It seems like just yesterday I was holding you in my arms!  I want you to know that I love you more than words could ever convey!  Until we meet again, keep on praising Him!  <3

In Him,
Mama       

My Friday With Grace

No joke, shortly after parent-teacher conferences every single year, I get sick. I thought maybe this year would be different since I don't have a homeroom where I have to meet 26 families.  I woke up yesterday feeling really lousy...stuffy nose, scratchy throat, and sooo tired!  As the day progressed, my throat started to hurt more and more...to the point I couldn't swallow.  If you know me, you'd know that I don't do well when I'm sick.  Colds literally kick my butt!  After four years of marriage, my originally "suck it up" hubby, has come around to understand that just doesn't work with me.  He treats me like my mom and dad did when I was little and it makes me feel so loved!  Sometimes, I still wish I could be at home (my parent's home..always my home) when I don't feel well.  There is something about my mother/father's care that made me feel so much better.  I only hope one day I can provide that feeling to our kids. 

When 5:15am rolled around this morning, I woke up, felt even worse and knew I wouldn't be able to function at school.  Most importantly, I didn't want to spread whatever I had to my beautiful kids at school.  I haven't moved from my room all day!  Yes, I slept the day away, but I got to spend it in the presence of my sweet Gracie. Her ashes still rest in the wonderfully made wooden container her daddy made for her.  They rest on a dresser on our room next to the teddy bear her cousin, Emily, gave her.  I used to bring her ashes out into the living room every morning so she wasn't 'alone' all day. Ever since I went back to work, I realized she'd be in an empty home all day long...every day.  I know, she's really not 'alone', because she's physically is in the presence of her Creator, but her ashes would left in our empty house and I never liked that much. I'm sure people would think I fell off the deep end if I brought them with me to school every day.  I really don't think I'm ever going to be able to part with her ashes not resting in our bedroom.  Paul had such a great idea of putting them under a tree on our land where our future kids could play in their tree house or he could hunt.  Seeing her resting place on our dresser brings me so much healing and gives me sense of peace knowing she is so close home.  

Unlike most Fridays when I'm busy at work, I only get to spend time with her for a short while. Today was much different. Her ashes were with me all day and I loved every moment, despite how I've been feeling.  Besides looking at her pictures, I love praying over her ashes and telling her how much I love her.  I hope she knows my love for her.  I hope she knows I'd do anything for her and I'd give my life for her.  

As we approach her 6 month birthday in heaven and we reach another milestone in her passing, I find myself not as down in the dumps as I have been in the past.  Praise be to Him!  But, that doesn't mean I don't miss her any less. I just think that God is filling my void of loneliness and missing her so much. I've already received a lovely call from my dear friend, Michelle, acknowledging the date already.  I can't even begin to tell you how much that warmed my heart! Her call told me that she understands that the date could be rough (she loves me) and that my daughter continues to leave her mark in this world.  I'd like to do something special for her on Sunday.  So, as I continue to veg out in my bed, my mind will be thinking about her 1/2 birthday and what we can do to celebrate her time spent with Jesus.

             Thank you to Lisa, from my Anencephaly support group, for making this beautiful picture! <3

A Mom

 For those of you viewing on a mobile device, the YouTube clip can be found at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_gtD5U9Bck&feature=player_embedded

I saw this Carter's commercial for the first time today...a Friday of all days.  As if Fridays aren't hard enough already.  The commercial had me in tears from the moment I saw the baby being rocked in the mother's arms.  And to make it harder, the mother was cradling the baby's beautifully formed head. What a miracle a baby is!

It appears the voice over is a little girl speaking, since the mother and daughter are shown throughout the clip.  It got me thinking what Grace would have said about her short little life.  Would she of talked about the love she left, how we reacted to her, and how hard it was for us to say goodbye?

And then the saying at the end, "When a child is born, so is a mom," hit me like a ton of bricks.  I am a mom...maybe not to someone here on earth, but to a little girl who I believe is worshiping the One who formed every inch of her precious body.  I may not be up for late night feedings, changing her diapers, or rocking her back to sleep, but my love for her runs so deep that it often brings me to tears and takes my breath away.

As I reflect back on the day she was born, look at her pictures, and rejoice in the greatest blessing we have been given, I'm thankful that at 12:18pm on a warm spring day, she gave the the title of "mom."  It's one of the titles I hold closest to my heart.

A Rough Road Ahead

I haven't been looking forward to this time of year and I'm dreading the coming months even more.  Fall is one of my favorite seasons due to the beautiful turning leaves and the crisp autumn air.  I'm continuously reminded of His beauty and awesome power to create such a magnificent place.  I can only imagine seeing God face to face and discovering what heaven will look like if I think this place is considered to be beautiful.

For the past two years in a row, I discovered I was pregnant during the fall season.  I've been fervent in prayer and hoping that it would be the third time. Perhaps that's why I've been really struggling lately.  I know that my God has a plan for me and He knows my heart far greater than I do.  Maybe I'm not as ready to begin this next endeavor as I thought I was and He is well aware of that.  He knows I need to be further healed.  But the thing is, I'm not sure I will ever will be healed completely.  Can you blame me? As each day passes, I miss her more and more.  And that popular saying that goes something like, "Time heals all wounds," isn't applying to much to me.  Five months have gone by and my broken heart seems to shatter into more and more pieces. Yes, time will move on, and God will continue to mend this broken heart of mine, but there will always be something missing.  Something that I will never get back until my time has come to an end. And then all the pain and hurt I’ve felt here, won’t exist. I long for that day for so many reasons.     

I think that a lot of what I’m experiencing is feeling so alone in my grief.  I’ve read about this ‘feeling’ from other ladies that have walked my path before and I never understood it…until now.  I think a big part of why this journey is so hard is because people don’t understand how I could be feeling.  Sometimes my own husband doesn't "get it" even though he has endured the same loss.  Many individuals in my life have never walked the journey of loosing a child, so I don't expect them to understand what emotions are associated with this.  Losing a child that you've carried for nine months and held in your arms is far different than grieving the loss of a grandparent and no one will ever get that until they've walked this same exact path.  Which of course, I would never wish upon anyone. 

It seems as the months continue to pass by, the less and less Grace is brought up and conversation of how we are doing.  My mom continues to tell me that people just don’t know what to say or that they don’t want to hurt me by bringing the topic up.  And I continue to thank God for those moments when people may step out on limb and ask, how are you doing? I rejoiced over that simple, yet sometimes difficult question this weekend when my brother’s sister-in-law, Claudette, asked me how I was while all the kids were getting ready to go trick-or-treating.  Just as I was sitting at the kitchen table, wondering what Gracie would have been dressed up as and tears beginning to swell in my eyes, she walked over.  She put her arms around me and asked, “How are you doing?”  I can’t even remember the last time I saw Claudette, but she asked. I thank Him for allowing her to ask such a difficult question when she doesn’t know what response she will receive in return.  It showed me that she cared.  What I love most is that she did it, even if it was hard on her part. She did what she could do and it filled my heart with joy.

I'm not sure what these next two months are going to hold for me as more holidays are quickly approaching. I can only imagine Grace looking down as each tear trickles off my face, knowing that everything is glorious where she is.  Her stocking with her name embroidered on it will be hung proudly on our china cabinet, along with her first Christmas ornament on our tree.  Even though her stocking will never be filled, she continues to hold a place in our family, just as any other child would.  And as much as I'd like to send our our very first photo Christmas card with a picture of Grace and Jesus in resting manger, with James 1:17 (Every good and precious gift comes from above) written in beautiful script font...it's not going to happen.  I was reminded by someone that "people don't want to see a picture of a dead baby. That will just result in them being sad and depressed." And perhaps that individual is right.  So maybe when my child isn't "dead," I'll get to send those beautiful Christmas cards out for everyone to see a healthy baby because they are "a better sight to see." My skin is growing thicker, but my once beautifully (okay maybe not so beautiful) shaped heart that was torn into pieces, is now fading into dust.

Please join me in prayer as the holidays approach.  I need His strength and comfort above else, because I feel like it's going to be a rough road ahead. 


Grace,
I'm missing you like crazy, sweetie pie.  Even though this journey of missing you grows more and more each day, I would NEVER change our decision of having you and getting to hold your sweet body in our arms.  You were perfect...and still are!  Thank you for allowing me to be a mama, sugar.  I feel like I have a slight understanding of what God felt like when He sent His Son to die for you and me on that cross...it's a love I have never felt before. I thank Him and you for allowing me to experience that.  Loving you always, my beautiful daughter! 

When a Heart Breaks

When a Heart Breaks - Ben Rector

I woke up this morning
And I heard the news
I know the pain of a heartbreak
I don't have answers
And neither do you
I know the pain of a heartbreak

This isn't easy
This isn't clear
And you don't need Jesus
Til you're here
Then confusion and the doubts you had
Up and walk away
They walk away
When a heart breaks

I heard the doctor
But what did he say
I knew I was fine about this time yesterday
I don't need answers
I just need some peace
I just need someone who could help me get some sleep
Who could help me get some sleep

This isn't easy
This isn't clear
And you don't need Jesus
Til you're here
Then confusion and the doubts you had
Up and walk away
They walk away
When a heart breaks

This isn't easy
This isn't clear
And you don't need Jesus
Til you're here
Then confusion and the doubts you had
Up and walk away
They walk away
When a heart breaks


I heard this song several days after we discovered Grace was diagnosed with Anencephaly.  I hear the same song 10 months later and my heart still remains broken.

Lord, I ask you to please help mend this aching heart.  I beg you!  I would have never imagined this road I'm walking to be as difficult as it is.  It seems so dark and I feel so alone. I know You are the only One that can light my path and heal this broken heart.  Please bring it and me back to life.  I'm not the same..by a long shot. I know this song implies that people don't need you until they are experiencing heartache, but Lord we...I need You all the time.  I am so thankful for your faithfulness and unfailing love when I constantly hit rock bottom.  Continue to walk along side of me as I journey through this life with empty arms and heartache.  Lord, You are Enough for me and my heart desires more of You.  Help me to keep my eyes and heart fixed on You all the days of my life.

She Has My Heart

Missing you more and more, my sweet girl!

It is very hard to believe that only five months ago my sweet angel baby was snuggled up in my arms.  Around this time, I was changing her into her beautiful pink dress that her grandpa and grandma had purchased her and was singing "You Are My Sunshine."  I often sang that song to her while I was carrying her.  The day after we received her diagnosis, I couldn't seem to get myself out of bed.  I think my body was so mentally and physically drained from all the crying I had done the day before.  I remember sitting up in my bed and began to sing her the song.  I worked my way to, "You'll never know dear, how much I love you.  Please don't take my sunshine away," and I completely lost it. She was being taken away from me way before I had anticipated...my sunshine, my little peanut that made me happy when skies were gray.  I felt like I began my grieving/mourning right then and there...and continue to each and every day of my life.  

The day of her birthday was a complete whirlwind.  I was blessed with an unbelievable amount of strength and peace, but all the events flew by.  Oh, I just wished time would have stood still. She was such a beautiful sight to see and her warm touch made my heart skip a beat.  God's grace was wrapped into her sweet little face and it brought tears to my eyes. 

As I look back on our beautiful pictures of her arrival into this world, I can't help but notice that she was never set down while she was alive. Kelly captured moments of joy and sorrow on our faces, but she was nestled up close to the ones that would show her the most love here on this side of heaven.  Our sweet pea passed away peacefully in the arms of her daddy and made her way to her heavenly Father's arms.  She was safe with us and is even safer with Him.  In one day she experienced so much...and here I thought I went through a lot on her diagnosis day.   I'm so thankful for those two hours and seven minutes with her wrapped up close to my heart.  Even though I can't snuggle up to her here, I know He's got her and she will always have my heart.

Your mama loves you, little one.  Continue dancing for Him.  I'm one day closer to joining you!  I love you a bushel and a peck! <3

October 15th: A Day of Remembrance

In October of 1988, President Ronald Reagan proclaimed October as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. He said, "When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn't a words to describe them. This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the United States and the world. It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS, and other causes."  

Although the whole month is dedicated to this awareness, October 15th was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I think it's safe to say that most individuals that have suffered any type of miscarriage/infant loss would confidently admit that they don't just remember their baby/babies on one particular day throughout the year. I know my daughter is on my mind multiple times throughout each and every day. We honor the losses and survivors of breast cancer the by wearing pink ribbons, right?  Why should it be any different for parents and other individuals to honor pregnancy and infant losses? Too many families grieve in silence and never share or come to terms with their loss. I truly believe this day is to to let others know you are not alone. 

Throughout the week, I spammed my Facebook account by sharing information about the day of remembrance and the Wave of Light in hopes others would participate, whether or not they have suffered a loss.  I'm pretty confident that I've been unchecked in the "show in feed" from plenty of people's pages since all I post are images of Grace, my family, blog updates, and references to my faith in Jesus Christ.  I'm okay that in all honestly.  It bring a smile to my face, however, to see how many ladies are there by my side, "liking" my photos and encouraging me through their sweet messages. I am blessed to have them in my life!

Once 7:00pm rolled around for the Wave of Light, I received several picture messages from loved ones showing me their candles burning.  I lit my candle at 7:00pm and had it burning for the whole hour until 7:00pm hit within another time zone...hence the wave of light. =)  I most definitely failed to mention that to several people. Oops!  Below are some of the images that I received as family and friends remembered our sweet Grace, their own losses, and other babies that have gone before us.  I felt so blessed to have these images as a reminder that little lives, no matter if they come out of the womb or not, make a difference in the lives of other individuals.  How fitting that October is also Respecting Life month as well. =)

There was some sort of healing that occurred the moment I lit my candles that evening.  My living room was pitch black and I had set several tea lights in my container to represent the passing of different babies.  One by one, I turned the switch on my lighter and watched the flame hit each individual wick.  The more I lighted, the more the light lit up the room.  I was in awe how several tiny little candles could give off so much light. 

Darkness is the absence of light. As I took a step back, I realized that there have been times throughout my journey where I felt like I was surrounded by total darkness. I asked God countless times, "Why me...why us?" The more I questioned, the darker and more upset I became at life's events.  I began to dive deeper and deeper in the Word to draw near to the One I knew could get me out of my darkness.  I began memorizing passages and repeated them over and over in my head throughout the day.  When I felt the weight of the world crashing down, I had these verses that would carry me through my rough times.  The more I clung to the One that would lift me high above any circumstance, I truly began to see the light that took me out of my darkness. He is the true light that gives light to every man. 

That night I began to wrap my mind around the fact that this world is a dark place filled with devil lurking around us.  It truly saddens me that this world even has to have a month to remember pregnancy and infant loss.  However, the truth of the matter is that we have to be those lights for our Creator.  He may light up your life because you have a relationship with Him, but there are plenty of children, teens, and adults that do not know our Lord as we may.   

So on October 15th, I recommitted myself to being a light for Him so that others may see Him the way I do...even when I am experiencing dark times.  As I think back to one of my favorite songs as a child, I remember, "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine... Let it shine, Let it shine, Let it shine...."  Oh do I wish I would have heard Grace's sweet little voice sing that tune. Even as children, we were asked to let His light shine by sharing the gospel.  And even as adults, we are called to be the light of world so others may here the Good News of Jesus Christ.  We have to let that light shine so that others will be saved and given the gift of salvation!

Know that I'm praying for you if you are currently going through darkness and are struggling to find the light.  I pray that He may wrap His loving arms around you and that you may feel His warm and tight embrace.  We serve a mighty God that will not leave nor forsake us and I know He has never left me on my journey. He won't leave you either.  When I feel like there is no one else to turn to, there He stands...with his arms wide open. Run to Him, dear child! 

Will you join me in letting your light shine for Christ?

A Walk to Remember

October 7th marked the annual Walk to Remember down at Milwaukee's lakefront.  This event was created during the month of October (October 15th: Pregnancy and Infant Remembrance Day) in order to remember those little lives that have gone before us.

I heard of this walk from Jessica, a dear friend that I went to high school with.  Jessica and I lost contact throughout our years of college but still remained "Facebook friends."  When I posted a picture of my pregnant belly, Jessica wrote me a wonderful message that wished Paul and I congratulations.  I wrote her a message back thanking her and informing her of Grace's diagnosis. Much to my surprise, she had suffered a loss of her own while carrying her daughter, Lillian.  Lillian didn't have any fatal birth defects, but she did not have any amniotic fluid surrounding her. Without her being surrounded in fluid, Lillian's lungs wouldn't develop.  Jessica ended going into labor at 21 weeks and delivered a beautiful little girl who now rests in the arms of our loving Savior.  After several messages back and forth, a bond formed again.  She and I united over the unfortunate events of our daughters both passing.  Jessica remained in contact with me throughout my pregnancy and still to this day.  She has such a sensitive heart and understands how a woman grieves. I often believe she should go into grief counseling.  She and I pass on information such as our Hearts to Hold and Molly Bears (will post at a later date) websites, quotes, and other supportive information.  I was so thankful she informed me of this walk because it meant that I was able to see her and give her a hug for how much she's been apart of my journey.

I asked my friend Kirsten if she'd like to join me on the walk.  She accepted my invitation and I was beyond ecstatic.  She and I met at Alterra for lunch/coffee prior to the walk and then made our way to the location.  As we approached our meeting area, I instantly saw Jessica holding onto the stroller of her beautiful 5 month old son, Riley. Her other children were playing off in the distance and her husband stood proudly next to her.  Oddly enough, Jessica's husband works at the same company my twin brothers do.  I was able to greet Jessica with a hug (sometimes I forget other people may not feel comfortable with me doing that) and she introduced us to her family.  Jessica had mentioned that she has gotten something for Paul and I and would bring it to the walk with her.  She held our her hand and gave me these two precious bracelets to remember our first loss and our sweet Gracie.

Jessica directed Kirsten and I inside to obtain a kite pin, a bulletin for the service, and to sign the kite that will be flown after the walk to remember our loved ones.

The service began shortly after we made our way back outside.  A lady sung a beautiful song that made almost everyone in the place tear up and asked for those that wished to shout out their child's name to do so.  The mile walk began on our slightly chilly day.  As people held quilt squares in their arms, I wrapped myself up in Grace's quilt made by her sweet Auntie Kara.

As the walk came to an end, we approached a hill filled with tons of people that had walked in remembrance of an angel.  I was in awe to witness the amount of families and individuals that were there in support.  It truly warmed my heart to see the love that filled the lakefront.  The service continued on the hill with everyone's quilt square laid out on the ground while the kite flew above our heads. It was a beautiful site to see, despite knowing each of those quilt squares represented so much pain and hurt.

Instead of focusing on the hole in my heart, I took away one word from that day. HOPE. Seeing so many families with little ones running around made me smile from ear to ear.  There was laughter and joy that spewed from the mouths and hearts of many people.  I realized that I can't dwell on the past and think that my next pregnancy will result in the same suffering.  My hope rests in my Lord and Savior and I will put my full trust in Him all the days of my life.  I'm learning to be still and let Him guide me through this life as He pleases.

A very special thank you to Kirsten and Jessica for joining me on this amazing experience!  I will continue to walk in memory of those who have gone before us and are in a much, much better place. See you next year...October 6th, 2013! <3

His Sweet Embrace

I posted  this picture on my blog of a beautiful Gerbera daisy I purchased for my sweet daughter on August 13th.  For those of you just learning of Grace's story, she was born on a Friday....Friday, May 18th to be exact.  Friday's still remain to be bitter-sweet.  I miss my girl more than words will ever convey, but I fully believe she is not suffering and is praising the One that knit her in my womb and fearfully created her.

When my mom and I went to pick up her ashes at the funeral home, there was a beautiful pink rose bush right as you entered/exited the doors.  Even though part of me didn't want to pick roses off the bush due to it being somewhat rude, I deeply desired my girl to have flowers on top of her wooden box.  Ironically enough, I've never been one to like the color pink.  I always thought it was so cliche to buy baby girls everything in pink.  How boring!  The moment we heard we were having a girl, my heart instantly changed.  I purchased a pink fleece jacket, all her blankets were pink, her dress and outfit my mom and I purchased her was pink, and my toes were painted pink the day of her birth.  Now, I simply love the color pink!  As we walked passed the bush on the way out of the funeral home, I looked at my mom and stopped dead in my tracks.  I smiled and said, "Let's pick some for her."  With delight in her eyes, she dug her fingernail deep into the stem of three beautiful roses and set them on top of her box nestled in my arms.

When I saw this daisy at Pick N Save, I instantly grinned, thought of my little beauty, and remembered it was Friday.  Since I've gone back to work, the hustle and bustle of my everyday life keeps me from doing many of the things I loved doing during my summer break.  That was the last day that I've treated her to something special.  I feel horrible for that.  Since then, her daisy was placed in a larger container and set on the front porch.  Every time I pulled in and out of our driveway, I saw her beautiful flower growing away and it made me smile.  She's home - in heaven, in our home, and in my heart forever!

After planting her flower in a new container, it began to grow before my eyes.  Every time new buds would form,  two daisies would spring up at the same time, every time.  They were beautiful, pink, and reminded me of my daughter awaiting my arrival in heaven.  As the crisp autumn air arrived, I knew my flowers around the yard were surely going to die off.  I awoke one brisk morning this month to find all my annuals dead before my eyes.  I was very disappointed that my yard would no longer be filled with  such vibrant color and I knew that meant Grace's daisy would be dead too.  As I approached my front porch in anticipation, I began to pray. Lord, I'm not ready for her flower to be gone...not yet! Please allow me to delight in the beauty you've created for a little while longer.  I turned the corner of our house and there it was...alive and as beautiful as ever.  Two pink daisies stood tall and two buds were forming below. Isn't her flower a beautiful sight?

Since the weather continues to grow colder, I've decided that I will bring her plant inside throughout the night. I know our Lord has a sense of humor, but I'm sure the request of keeping Grace's flower alive may become a little redundant. Is it strange that I look at this Gerbera daisy and can't help but praise God?  Every time I gaze at this flower with the two daisy heads standing straight, I think of her standing tall next to her Lord and Savior.  I think of a sweet little girl with her hands raised high, worshiping the One that has loved her with everlasting love; the One that has been faithful and continues to be each and every day.

I think about the fact that her flower should have died and began to wither away just as my other annual flowers had that night. But it didn't!  It was ALIVE, just as He is! Throughout this journey, I often felt like I was going to wither away and die - spiritually, physically, and emotionally.  I didn't know how I was going to make it four months knowing my arms would remain empty in the end.  There were times I was ready to give up, to throw in the towel, to call it quits.  I often felt like the darkness was caving in and I wasn't going to make it.  My Lord continued to remind me that He knows the plans for us...for Paul, Grace, and me.  He has plans that will prosper us, not harm us.  Plans that will bring us hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11).  He continued to surprise me by the peace, joy, and steadfast love that I felt each and every day prior, during, and after her birth.  He showed that carrying my daughter was not a burden because of her "incompatible with life" diagnosis, but that I was especially chosen to carry her for a reason - a reason I may not know on this side of heaven.  He helped me to see that I was to embrace each and every day of her life inside of me and to think of it as a gift only from Him.  I took on that honor on with great pride and joy. My Father never ceases to amaze me!  He always sweetly whispers in my ear that He's got me and will not let me wither away...ever!  He's got me, he's got her, and he's got YOU wrapped in His sweet embrace.    

His Perfect Grip

It's been a rough couple of weeks.  I'm having a hard time understanding my hurt inside.  Just when I feel like moving ahead, I get blind sided by a wave of grief.  I feel like I am deemed a total freak since I still have days that I cry and struggle to get out of bed.  I still get the long stare from Paul as he tries to figure out if the black mascara running down my face is actually from crying or just rubbing my face.

I never imagined all the emotions and feelings that would surface from this journey.  Paul and I are learning quickly that we are having a difficult time understanding how each other is coping with our loss.  Men and women grieve very differently...as we do everything else in this world.  He doesn't understand my need to talk about her...all the time, buy things in remembrance of her, and read books/blogs about other women's stories.  He feels that I'm not moving forward and that I'm not joyous about her being in a better place.  I don't understand his desire not to talk about her, to not want things around our house to remember we have a daughter, and why I'd give anything for her to in my arms again...healed and healthy and not where she currently is.


Out of several books or blogs I've read, it seems like the topic of a struggling marriage after a loss is somewhat taboo. The authors always seem to dance around the topic of what a marriage endures. And I fully understand that the reason these authors, mainly women, probably never share such intimate details is because a marriage should have privacy.  I'm the first to say that I am very closed off about what goes on between Paul if I don't really know the person I'm talking to. But at the same time, if no one is ever willing to talk about how difficult it is, people will feel like they are the only ones having a hard time. 


My marriage with Paul is by no means ending or in troubled waters...for those of you that are concerned.  There are areas (as does any couple) that are needing improvement.  In fact, I fully believe that through the birth and loss of our beautiful daughter, I have let down many walls that I've had up over the years.  And even though I am able to open up about how I'm feeling about certain things, that still doesn't mean I know how to communicate well with him.  Through many conversations with my dear friends, I'm learning that there is an art to this whole communication thing and that we have a lot of work ahead of ourselves. We are both invested in our marriage and have communicated several times about seeking out Christian counseling.  I'm eager to see our relationship transform into understanding and for us both to grow and heal together.

God has got His perfect grip on us.  He has not forsaken us and I'm certain He will walk with us as we learn to better our marriage...for Him and ourselves.  I don't believe for one second that God would include a failed marriage in his plan with Grace. I fully believe with my whole heart that He brought us together.  And as a result, He has given us one incredible testimony to his faithfulness as we walk through our valley.  His will for our lives is unknown, but I'm thankful for this union and the greatest blessing he has bestowed upon us...our daughter, Grace. Even though we may go through hard times together as a married couple as a result to her birth/death, she's worth it all!