Walking With The Lord

It is amazing how many things need to be discussed and put in order when a death occurs. And even though Paul and I don't have children yet, there are still others that surround us that could easily be burdened by "our things" when we pass.  I personally don't want my family and friends to have to worry about aligning all of that mumo jumbo.  Hearts can be heavy in a  time of mourning and unfortunately, decisions can be made that can draw a family apart. After having another death in the family, I am constantly reminded by how short and fragile life truly is.

This past week was very different having guests stay in our home.  Tonight is the first night I am able to sit in my bed and watch television by myself... it feels very odd.  My brother-in-law, sister-in-law, and niece stayed with us this past week while we planned and took care of funeral arrangements.  It was wonderful to get to know them on such a deeper level.  They live in Alabama and I've only spent time with them on two other occasions.  Their little girl, Allison, stole my heart.  She is such a peanut and so stinkin' cute.  I'm not going to lie, she constantly made me think of Grace, which was difficult.

One evening the five of us went on a walk to Cream City Custard.  While we were waiting for our order, Paul was sitting across from Allison in her stroller.  She was gabbing away and Paul was responding to her the way she talks and adding all sorts of funny expressions into his discussion with her.  I sat and watched.  It made me smile. He is a terrific daddy, even if his daughter can't experience his playfulness now.  Alli's leg slid up from the leg hole in her stroller and her tiny little foot waved in the air.  She took her foot and rubbed it on Paul's bracelet on his wrist.  Her toes wrapped around the band and she held on tight.  She grinned at Paul and I could just sense Paul's love for her. It was precious.  But, yet again..I couldn't help but think of Grace. 

Ever since Grace's birth, her tiny feet molds have been sitting on my buffet table in our dinning area.  The detail in these molds are wonderfully amazing.  You can see her little crevices, her toenails, the shape of each of her toes, and the arches in her foot.  Those were the same feet I could feel dance away on the right side of my tummy for a good two months. Still to this day, I can still feel those same feet inside of me.  I hope that feeling never goes away. 

Besides being absolutely beautiful,  her feet mean more to me than just that.  Her feet signify my walk with our Lord during this journey.  After hearing her diagnosis in December, God reminded me that this life isn't about me.  He fearfully and wonderfully created her and it was not our place to take her life. I can't say like some mamas that my heart and mind automatically said we are going to carry her (it bothers me to this day that I didn't think otherwise immediately).  Day after day God used people and resources to point me in the direction of carrying her until HE called her home.  I needed to be obedient and know His plan was far greater than I could comprehend.  I needed to trust in Him...no matter what.

I couldn't be more thankful for a deeper relationship with our Heavenly Father.  My walk with Him has grown leaps and bounds and He has and still is carrying me through one of the most difficult times in my life. Honestly, I don't know that my walk with Him would have grown so deep had it not been for Grace.  I truly feel like my world had to be rocked for a wake up call. In the midst of the heartache and pain, I am still growing closer to Him.  Walking with the Lord has never been more beautiful, just like my little sweet pea's feet.  

With that said, I am debating on getting a tattoo of Grace's foot on my foot to represent my walk with our Lord while carrying her.  What do you think?  =)