This morning was my postpartum doctors appointment as I discussed in my post last week. Remember how I had mentioned how odd it was that I was being rescheduled and how the nurse on the phone said that my doctor wanted to "talk" with me? In my phone conversation with my mom that evening, I actually said to her,"What if she wanted to 'talk' with me because of my blog?" My response from my mother was, "You're out of your mind." At the time I was laughing about it, but the truth of matter is my doctor read (and still might be) reading my blog. I guess I'm really not out of my mind, huh mom? =)
My intention in writing this blog is to share with everyone (it is on the Internet for all to see) how the Lord has carried us through one of our deepest valleys in our lives. It is written for my family and friends who never got to meet or want to know more about our sweet Grace, so that they may love her through my words. It is for other mothers and fathers who may be faced with a difficult decision on whether or not they should carry their child. It written for those who are weary in their faith so that they may understand the depth of His love, even when times are rough. Lastly, it is written for me (as selfish as that sounds)... because I find that healing occurs through expressing my heart and my true feelings.
This blog was NEVER written to slander or bring hurt to the two doctors (my doctor during my miscarriage and current) or anyone that I have written about. I purposefully did not mention who they were so I would not defame their name. I still to this day would never mention who my doctors were or are to my readers for that very reason. This blog was never written so that I may act un-Christ like even in my suffering (as if that should be an excuse). And it was never written to bring people down emotionally. And if it ever gets to that point, which prayerfully it never will, someone stop me. Because then the true purpose of my writing has gone down the crapper.
Now, I'm torn on whether my actions in writing about their very comments, facial expressions, and gestures were Christ like. Personally, I don't believe I wrote anything thus far that I wouldn't say to them in a conversation. I stated facts and wrote about my experience through carrying Grace. I understand that words can often be read a different way than which they were intended. My intentions through my writing are merely to tell a story and those actions presented were part of Grace's story. I'm not trying to sit here an justify why I did what I did. But if you feel that God is placing it on your heart to tell me if my actions were wrong, please tell me.
My heart feels very heavy, not because I feel like I did something wrong, but because I hate to make other people hurt or feel bad. Truly, my heart ached as she confronted me about my writing and the precise comments that she remembered from my blog. I can only imagine reading comments from my students on their blog about something I said or did to them that made them feel a certain way. I'm sure she takes pride in her work as I do a teacher. I'm sure she cared for me the best way she possibly could like I do as a teacher. I'm sure her tried her very hardest to not let her emotions play a factor in her work as I do a teacher.
The truth of the matter is, this was a great wake up call for me. I've never written on a blog before that can be viewed by anyone who wishes. It's actually kind of scary knowing ANYONE has a free pass into my heart and life, but I guess that's why I started it. I've always tried to write in a way that would bring glory to God, because that is how I try to live out my life...so why wouldn't that play huge role in what I write about? I need to be consciousness of what I am writing and who I am writing about because others (like my family and friends) may not want their interactions with me written about. Also, if I'm here to write and have my words read, then I need to be ready for confrontation. Regardless if I write about myself, someone else, or God; I need to be ready to defend and back up what I say.
As I sit and try to rationalize this "talk," I see God's hand all over this. I'm not sure who sent my blog to my doctor since she said, "someone shared it with her," but people are in fact reading my words! Over 1, 205 times my blog has been viewed in over a month from people all around the word. Grace's story is being heard! God is changing hearts and some people are feeling convicted. When conviction happens, people change...well, at least I do. I never knew if my doctor was a Christian, but my heart melted when she told me she personally would terminate (not that I should). I've prayed from that day on that God would change her heart/thinking and use me as a disciple in doing so. My words were subtle but my obedience to the Lord was obvious. I will continue to pray for her even if I feel the need to find a different caregiver. I will continue to love her like Christ loves us even if I felt I wasn't treated the best initially. We are all human and we all make mistakes in what we do and say...I pray that God allows us to see those mistakes and helps us to change what needs to be fixed.
Heavenly Father,
Thank you for opening my eyes to see the bigger picture today. I thank you for allowing me to notice and to be convicted of my actions and how my writing my hurt someone else. Lord, I pray that my words are words that you would say and that the purpose of this blog only glorifies Your name. Please bring conviction into my heart if my intentions are otherwise. I will continuously thank you for blessing us with Grace, because through her, You are changing hearts and minds.Thank you for teaching us to love one another as You have first loved us.
By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another (John 13:35).
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