I went into work this morning to clean out my bookshelves since I will no longer be in my same classroom next year. Yes, I am officially the new English as a Second Language middle school teacher! As I walked into my bare room, I couldn't help but think of my baby girl and all the changes that have been occurring in my life since we found out about her diagnosis. Change is never easy, but I think there's something to be said about someone who can accept the newness of a situation and make the best out of whatever God's plan is. Even though I miss her terribly and wish I was cradling her in my arms as I write, I'm thankful for the transformation of my mind and heart. I've never been bitter, resentful, or even angry at God for what happened to Grace. He is good and I know His plan surpasses my understanding.
As I put the novels into different crates, I thought about all the chapters in her life that I wish I could have experienced with her. I'll never get to see her crawl, take her first step, say mama, wave hello, or read her first word. The more I thought about these things, the more I realized that the devil was trying to stir up anger in my heart. I stopped and prayed for the Lord to heal my broken heart, for Him to give me peace and comfort today and always. I know that I'll never get to experience these things with her, but I find reassurance knowing that she is healed and doesn't have to endure the wickedness of this world.
♥ Thank you to those of you who remembered it was Grace's one month anniversary today! My heart melted that you thought of and remembered her! ♥
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Yesterday was Father's Day and I think it almost had a bigger impact on me than it did Paul. Part of me still thinks Paul doesn't consider himself a "Dad" even though he very much is. I know my emotions and feelings have been very different about Grace since we found out we were pregnant. It bothered me that Paul didn't get excited to feel her kick or want to talk to her while I was carrying her.
However, the moment she entered the world, he was captivated by her. His emotions were raw and he exuded love like I have never seen before. He held her with pride and comforted her with love. I had to almost pry Grace out his arms so I could hold her...I'm kidding. He was always very apprehensive about holding babies in the past. In fact, he never wanted to hold my nieces and nephews when they were first born. His paternal instinct kicked into overdrive with Grace and he scooped her up like he had done it for years. Even with her head being the way it was, he was so careful and knew exactly what he was doing. He showered her with so much care and love in those two hours. It melted my heart. He was and is a wonderful father, and I don't know why he would think differently.
My father has always been one of my biggest cheerleaders in life. Whatever I have my heart set on, he always has encouraged me to go at it 110%. He's there to support me and cheer me on no matter what. He's someone I can talk to and ask for advice. He makes me laugh hysterically and loves me through thick and thin. He challenges my thinking and inspires me to think outside the box. He's someone I can turn to because I know he will never let me down. He is a man of few words; but when he does speak, he speaks of truth and wisdom. God has blessed me with an amazing dad!
My dad is also a wonderful grandfather! Over the years I've watched how he cares for his grandchildren...it's a selfless love. And he showed his care and love for Gracie the exact same way. Watching him hold her on the couch in the hospital room brought tears to my eyes. He sat there and gazed at her with delight even though he had up been for nearly 33 hours.
When I think of all the wonderful fathers out there, I can't help but think of how awesome our Heavenly Father is to us. Honestly, I think He often gets overshadowed on Father's Day when we should be praising and thanking Him for all that He has done for us. I know it's hard for some people to understand the depth of His love, but when I think of all of the wonderful qualities my Earthly father possesses, my Heavenly Father has those exact same ones, and more (sorry dad). He loves us as far as the east is from the west, has a love that is unfailing, he never leaves us, he listens, he cares, etc. The list could go on and on of how magnificent our Father truly is. So if you forgot to thank Him yesterday like you did your Earthly Father, go ahead and thank Him now for all that He has done and continues to do in your life...He deserves it!
It says, "I love you this much."
Dear Grace,
It's 90+ degrees out today and I almost passed out when cleaning my classroom. Sweat came pouring off my forehead the moment I stepped foot into the school building. I felt like Grandma with her hot flashes, except the sweat and hot feeling didn't go away! I had to leave school and come home to cool off. I've been thinking of you since the moment I woke up. It's like that most days. Today has been a day full of tears and heartache. It's been 1 month since I've last kissed you, held your hand, and rubbed those darling little feet. It's been 1 month of having a hole in my heart and feeling like a part of me has died. I'll never be the same, and that's just fine. God is good and has provided me comfort. I've been told a lot of people are praying for your dad and I. I truly feel like He has given me the strength, peace, and comfort like I've asked people to pray for. I never knew I could have so much love for you, someone I hardly knew. Until I had you Gracie, I feel like I never knew love. I now feel like I have a small glimpse at the amount of love God has for His children. I want you to know that as time passes, my love and care for you will never cease. You are apart of me forever, my beloved daughter. I smile thinking of you dancing and raising your hands high, praising the One that created you. I can't wait to join you in that dance! Until then, I love you so much, Gracie!
My heart and soul,
Mama
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven (Ecclesiastes 3:1).
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