I have one week left on my maternity leave. This time spent at home has just flown by. I couldn't imagine what it would have been like if I were to have brought Grace home with us. I probably would have blinked and I would have been back to teaching.
I'm actually really looking forward to going back to work (kids will be out for the summer, tear). I truly miss my coworkers and have been so blessed by their love and support though our journey with Grace. It's been amazing to see God working in so many people's lives there. Individuals that never really seemed to have a faith, talking and living life as He would. It makes me smile from ear to ear.
Tomorrow I am going to surprise some of my kiddos from school at KOPP'S for their reward field trip. The 6th and 7th graders were put to the challenge of reading 10 novels from February-May and they participated in a Battle of the Books competition. Teachers came up to me stating how they had to tell my kids to put down their books in their classroom while they were teaching. What a wonderful thing to be getting in trouble for, right? I'm super excited to see them...I love my job!
Monday evening Paul went over to his grandma's house to meet with family members regarding the funeral/memorial service. He called me around 8:30 pm informing me that he was going to spend the night. My heart became heavy for someone reason and tears began to trickle from my eyes. I wanted him home, sleeping next to me (shocking, yes I know) and across from Grace's aches. He asked if I would bring over his toothbrush, a pillow, and a change of clothes for tomorrow. Selfishly, I wanted not move from where I had been sitting. I didn't want to come home to a house in the dark. I didn't want to left alone. But that isn't what marriage and a relationship are about. It is not self-serving and I knew that I needed to disregard my interests in order to be there for my husband.
When I arrived, Paul greeted me by the door and invited me in. His grandma rested on the sofa and watched a show on the television. She looked so peaceful. Paul was anxious to show me pictures of his dad and took me back into his dad's bedroom. We sat on his bed and looked through his dad's coin collection and Harley memorabilia. After we were finished looking through it, he tucked it away nicely in his father's closet. Paul took out a tub of pictures and we made our way to the kitchen for better lighting.
We smiled and laughed at the pictures of Paul when he was a little kid (he looked like such a little dickens). The more pictures we looked at, the more Paul became emotional. It had finally hit him. His father was gone. He became remorseful for the arguments they had, questioned where he was, and thought about how this would impact his grandma's life. I just sat there and listened to him pour his heart out. The more he talked, the more we both began to realize how fragile life is and how important it is to be surrounded by the ones you love.
Sitting across from him and the table, I grabbed a hold of his hand, looked him in the eyes, and began to cry. I said to him, "I don't know what I'd do without you." Through the heartache and pain of Grace's diagnosis and loosing her, our marriage has been changed. We are slower to anger, more willing to serve each other, and to just be there for one another regardless of what the circumstance may be.
I don't like death. The pain hurts and the feeling of loss can be suffocating. But, yet , through this journey, I'm finding that it can be very beautiful and glorious as well. Think of Jesus rising from the dead and sitting at the right hand of God the Father Almighty...isn't that a beautiful picture? I see the change that is occurring in my life and I see the beauty in His plan. I try not to fixate on the pain, but to the good that is coming out of such a difficult journey.
When the day is turning into night time, I carry Grace's wooden box back into our bedroom, hold her aches in my hand, and kiss her goodnight. I grab onto her blanket that rests on the foot of our bed and lay it by my pillow. I kiss my husband goodnight and take his hand. I bring her blanket close to my heart and hold it and him a little tighter each night.
Because of these losses, I hold everyone closer to my heart than I had before. I realized that I don't want to question who I will see in eternity. Who are you willing to hold onto a little tighter to ensure their destination is eternity? Be His eyes, ears, and feet. Spread the good news of the Gospel. Because, believing in Him is the only way we are getting there!
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