I saw a posting on another blog about how to help a friend during a loss and I couldn't help but simile. All of these things that I am about to list have been done for me in some way, shape, or form. I have had such a wonderful support system from my dearest family members and friends along the way. In fact, I truly realized that family just doesn't have to be blood. Some of my friends showed me what it truly means to be a friend. They mourned with me and endured my pain and suffering all along the way. I think my dear friend Kara, bless her heart, cried more for me and Grace than I did. I am truly blessed to have felt so much love and care during the most difficult time in my life. So, thank you to all of you and your selfless acts of kindness that you have displayed during our journey with Grace. You have no idea how much it meant and still means to Paul and I. We love you!
(Please note: Below is the post from the other blog. It is copied directly, with some side comments added in from me).
How To Help A Family Member/Friend Who Lost A Baby:
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| Messages and cards throughout our journey with Gracie |
1. Call, email, send
messages, write notes. But please don't be offended if she doesn't respond at all or right away. It can
get overwhelming to get lots of notes, and they are so encouraging, but many
times the energy is so zapped that she won't be able to respond to each
message. Do say something. And don't give up! Your friend may not
feel like talking to anyone. She will want and need to know her friends
still love and support her. In the days immediately surrounding her loss, she
may feel numb and not even be capable of a response. Your notes of love and
sympathy will not go unnoticed. Same thing if you are on Facebook... send her a
message or post a note on her wall. I read every single comment I received;
with each one, I felt more and more comforted. Even if you don't know the
person very well... go ahead and send a note. I received notes and messages
from people I've never even spoken to or met in my life, but I still
appreciated it just as much.
2. Don't stop writing notes....or texting....continue doing this weeks or months after the baby is born. The mom hasn't forgotten, but lots of others have, or it's not at the top of their minds anymore. It is so nice to know that others still care, even after things have quieted down. Make yourself a note to write to that person or even just give them a quick note, "I'm still thinking about you...I'm still praying for you."
2. Don't stop writing notes....or texting....continue doing this weeks or months after the baby is born. The mom hasn't forgotten, but lots of others have, or it's not at the top of their minds anymore. It is so nice to know that others still care, even after things have quieted down. Make yourself a note to write to that person or even just give them a quick note, "I'm still thinking about you...I'm still praying for you."
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| Notes from my students...God is good! |
3. Bring meals to them. Initially, when my friend Lisa suggested setting up this site (http://www.takethemameal.com/) I became a little apprehensive. I felt like I could manage cooking for Paul and I prior to and after having Grace. However, she told me that cooking was last thing she wanted me to worry about. Boy, was she right! Kara provided some names from individuals at our school and Lisa created this amazing website for them to sign up for easy coordination. Prior to having Grace, it was so nice to have meals provided that we could just reheat. It was hard to maneuver around the kitchen and I was so tired to begin with. Some people that don't cook, provided us with gift cards, or purchased us meals from restaurants. It was just so nice not to not have to worry about making sure Paul and I were fed. I'm so glad I let down my pride and allowed people to help. It really made Paul and I feel loved!
4. You'll want to offer them advice... don't. I would almost go so far as to say, resist the urge to say something positive, too. Well meaning statements such as "You can have more children" or "God has a plan for you" just don't help. This applies if you know someone carrying a baby with a fatal birth defect or after the baby is born.. (I should make a list of well-meaning things NEVER to say...) Your friend doesn't want another baby-- she wants the one she just lost. Just like in the book of Job when his friends sat with him in silence for days, often speaks more than any words could. I also think its perfectly okay to acknowledge to your friend, "This sucks." Because it does. Sugar coating it doesn't help anything. You know it sucks. She knows it sucks. So don't worry about putting on a rainbow show. Allow you friends to feel sad, be a listener. Ask them how they're doing. Tell them what verses in the bible you are praying over them. I loved going back to look at my notes and text messages that showed me what verses were being prayed over my baby and my life. I would go back and read them and feel so loved.
5. Do something practical. If your friends have other children, take them out of the house for an afternoon. Offer to take them overnight while she is at the hospital. Offer to help with the dogs. Maybe your friend needs her yard mowed. Remember, dads experience loss and grief just like the mom, but often in different ways. The last thing he probably wants to do is mow the yard. Ask if you can help her with housework, laundry... whatever. When Paul and I came home from the hospital, my mom and dad had completely cleaned every inch of our house and did all the yard work. It was such a relief to come home to a clean house and the yard work taken care of. Our laundry was even was even washed and folded and in our rooms. Things such as these sure meant a lot.
6. Continue to invite them to things. Even though your friend will probably not feel up for being around lots of people, still invite her. Don't give up even when she continues to turn you down. :)
7. Contribute to a memorial fund. Sometimes, parents will set up a memorial fund in honor of their baby who has passed away. Sometimes, they may not have a memorial fund set up, but there is some kind of organization or fund you can contribute to in honor/memory of their little one. My coworkers at school collected money for a memorial fund for Grace and some individuals purchased two peony plants in remembrance of our daughter (White Grace and Annamarie). Our plan is to make a memorial garden for her. With the money that was collected we want to purchase a tree that booms in May to be placed on our lot when we build. We also hope to place her wooden box below so that we can spend time with her, read scripture, and play in the yard with her. A very special thank you to those that contributed to a fund for our sweet Gracie! Because of your generous donations, we are able to remember her daily!
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| White Grace |
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| Annamarie |
8. Don't be afraid to cry with your friend. It can be so comforting to just sit with a friend in her loss. Sharing tears with your friend can be really special too. There were seasons when I was pregnant
where I could not hold a natural conversation with hardly anyone, because they
would start crying just talking to me! But that's okay! It truly
showed me how much they care for us. I have received numerous emails from
'friends' whom I've never met in person, but who have told me that they
have shed many tears for us. That touched me so much! So don't be
afraid of the tears. They are God's way of helping to heal our hearts.
To be honest, so many of my tears were cried during this pregnancy, that
my tears are not as abundant now. I really appreciate knowing that others
feel them too.
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| My niece, Emily, drew a picture for Grace! "Grace, I love you" |
9.
Speak their child's name. We all know names are especially
powerful. Most parents spend months thinking of the perfect name for
their little one. Names give us our identity and can continue a family
legacy. So when you speak of your friend's child by name, it acknowledges
their existence. There is an Egyptian proverb that says, "To speak
the name of the dead is to make them live again." Names are
powerful. So don't be afraid to speak to your friend about her
child, mentioning him or her by name. :-) Also, compliment them on
the name if you like it.
10.
Pray for them! And let them know you are praying for them. A lot of
times, people will say as an addendum to a conversations, "I'll pray for
you." Some people genuinely mean it, others just say it because it
seems like the right thing to say. Whatever you do, if you tell them you
are praying for them, DO IT! My friend Kara would write out
her prayers and then one of her students would deliver them to me. It meant the world to me and brought tears to my eyes...good tears! As I
mentioned before, it is also really nice to hear what verses are being prayed
over you. In the past, I never prayed specific verses over friends.
This experience has helped me to know that praying specific verses is a
great idea, a great way to speak love to your friends.
11. Don't complain about your baby to them! Don't get
me wrong, you're still allowed to complain to us, just try to remember who you
are talking to when you complain. Most people who have lost babies were
so thankful to be pregnant, and were so looking forward to having that child on Earth. Although being a parent is tough, please don't ever say that we
should be "thankful that we still have sleep" or "happy that we
have time on our own". As you complain about feedings, late nights,
crying, etc.....we can't help but think that we would LOVE TO be up all night,
hear the crying, etc......ANYTHING to avoid losing a child. I know
that's hard to understand, and we know parenting will be a very, very hard task
(some of us have other children already), but it will not be comforting to us
to tell us that your baby is actually not that fun anyway. That being
said, you can tell us your stories about your babies, but just don't tell us
why we should be thankful for our sleep, money, etc. I hope that doesn't
sound mean, because I'm not mad to hear the complaints, I just think it's worth
remembering if you have a friend that lost a baby.
12. Remember the anniversary of their baby's death. We just had Grace's one month anniversary and I cannot tell you how much I appreciated the texts, messages on FB, or little gift reminders of Grace. I know some people think it's hard to bring up, but your friends will appreciate the fact that you REMEMBERED their baby. This is spoken directly from the blog post, but I can imagine it will be this way.... "I cannot tell you how much it means to me when my mom or sister or someone remembers an anniversary... 1 month, 6 months, whatever. Mark it on your calendar, so that when the one year anniversary comes, you can send them a card or give them a call to let them know you still remember their baby."
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| A charm will be added every year on Grace's birthday. Thank you, Michelle! |
I'm am certain that there are MANY more things to add. Many of us have gone through miscarriages, so if there is something to add that a friend/family member did for you, please let me know! Thank you for reading these tips to help someone that may have lost a baby. I know that when these acts were performed for me, I was elated!
Here are some gift ideas other ideas that were so graciously made or given to us:
Blankets:
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| Handmade for Grace by Kara |
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| Embroidered by Mrs. Scholz |
Jewelry:
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| From my brother Matt, sister-in-law Jame, Emily, and Owen (Lisa Leonard Designs) |
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| Charm bracelet from my Auntie Linda |
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| Beautiful smelling perfume from Kara |
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| A plaque to hang: Thank you Auntie Debbie! |
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| Emily's baby outfit and memory box for Gracie |
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| Angel of Grace from Erin |
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| Beautiful frames from Chris and Mary Ellen |
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| Mother's Day gift from Kara - already used by me! =) |
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| Angel Wind Chime from my brother Eric, sister-in-law K, Hannah, Jacob, and Sarah |
Now when Job’s three friends heard of all this evil that had come upon him, they came each from his own place, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite. They made an appointment together to come to show him sympathy and comfort him (Job 2:11).
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