God Is Love

I cleaned out my filthy purse yesterday afternoon...it was long overdue.  I always change over to a new purse at the beginning of a new season.  I like the change and the organizing that occurs in the process.  In the midst all of the gum wrappers, sermon notes, lip glosses, and mints, my wallet laid open with Pink n Save receipts hanging out of it.  I began rummaging through it to find this tiny leather heart that my sister-n-law, Jamie, had given me after my miscarriage.  The heart was given to her from her mother after she experienced a loss of her own.  I grabbed a hold of the heart and rubbed it with my thumb.  Never did I imagine I would have to endure something as difficult as loosing another child after going through my miscarriage.  I sat down in my chair with the heart in my hand and cried - I'll never get to know Grace's heart, her hopes and dreams for the future, and it crushed me. 

On Monday, I called the genetic counselor that Paul and I met with after hearing Grace's diagnosis.  She explained to us at the meeting that they could examine and analyze her chromosomes through two methods.  The high risk fetal maternal doctor could have preformed an amniocentesis or CVS and draw the fluid out while I was still carrying her.  This method can cause women to miscarry or to go into pre-term labor.  Another option was to draw her blood after her birth and use my placenta for testing.  Without hesitation, Paul and I knew we were going to wait until we had her.  What was the rush in knowing anyway?  We wanted to enjoy our baby girl, regardless if it was a genetic issue and we were to never be able to have children again.  I never received a phone call back on Monday, and she ALWAYS called me back immediately.  

Yesterday morning I answered a phone call from the scheduling department at my OB/GYN (no I haven't switched doctors).  The woman on the other end informed me that I needed to reschedule my appointment because the doctor wanted to see me.  A scowl appeared on my face instantly. I thought to myself, "Why does SHE want to see me and not the nurse?"  "Was something wrong?" "Was it because the genetic counselor called my doctor with the results and there is a genetic issue?"  All these questions began popping into my head.  So, I asked the woman, "Do have any idea as to why I have to move my appointment?"  She responded that she would have to ask the nurse and call me back  After hours of waiting, the nurse finally called and explained that the doctor wanted to check on me to see how I was doing (shocking) and to talk with me (gulp).  She quickly proceeded to tell me that my new appointment was for next week and if I needed anything in the meantime that I shouldn't hesitate to call. 

Perhaps I should have been slightly more forward and just asked if it had something to do with Grace's genetics, but I didn't. Part of me was nervous to find out and I didn't know if I was ready to hear the news at that point in time.  Instead, I decided to have it fester in my heart and mind until next week because I didn't have the nerve to just ask.  Why didn't I just ask? Why do I do this to myself ALL the time? Maybe her wanting to chat with me had NOTHING to do with Grace's genetics at all. I had no idea if the genetic counselor even shared the results with her.  Maybe my doctor was actually just showing she cared about my well- being and truly just wanted to "talk" with me.

I made my way into the shower so I could get ready for my dinner date with my sister-n-law Kristin.  I let the water beat down on my face and I sobbed as I prayed to God to help me through another difficult waiting period.  I prayed that whatever His will is for us to be content.  Regardless of what happens I thought, my Savior will ALWAYS remain the same!  I feel so unbelievably called to be a mama, but if that's not in my deck of cards or lot, I need to accept it and seek His will for our lives together.  As I prayed and prayed, I felt like my Father was there hugging me, telling me everything would be okay, and gave me this overwhelming sense of peace. What an amazing feeling that was!

After I finished my conversation with the Lord, I cleaned up and began the process of getting ready for the night. Paul entered the house and started sharing his day with me as I put my eyeliner on.  After our talk, he made his way into the bedroom and called one of his friends to make plans for their evening together.  I decided to call my mama since I wouldn't get the chance to talk to her later on.  Through our conversation, I heard the buzzing noise of another call coming in.  I interrupted my mom speaking and told her about this call.  I didn't recognize the number and seldom answer it if I don't know who it is.  This time was different...I told my mom to hold on and I clicked over.  Low and behold, it was Andrea...our genetic counselor!!  Thank you Lord, for not allowing me to wait!  She told me that she had the report and has not opened it yet, but first wanted me to explain my experience having Grace. After I finished and shared how God was working in us, she began to read the report. I took a deep breath and listened.  "Jessica, it says here that your daughter has 'normal' chromosomes.  Meaning that her condition is not genetic."  Praise be to Him! She continued to say that the report says that there is a slight possibility that the chromosomes tested could be mine from the uterine lining.  However, the chances of that are slim and they typically say that to "cover their butts."

Hallelujah..prayers have been answered, yet again!  Just looking back at that day, He couldn't have been more present.  He watched over me and protected my heart - GOD IS LOVE!  I'm so thankful to hear that Paul and I have the possibility to have more children, God willing.  I pray that He entrusts us to give Gracie a little brother or sister one day and that we are able share her legacy with her siblings.



And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Jesus Christ (Philippians 4:7).