Trusting in Him

 Has there ever been something in your life that has interested you, captivated your attention, or even stole your heart?  Ever since I can remember I have always had this deep affection for children. There is something about their playful and inquisitive nature that melts my heart.  I have always cherished the moments I spend with others children. I've  longed for the moment when my son or daughter runs up to me beaming with excitement when he/she enters a room, similar to what I experience with my nephew Owen.

 Paul and I had many discussions about wanting children in our future prior to our union together.  Deep down inside my heart I always thought he didn't love or want children as much as I had.  He seldom interacted with my nieces and nephew and his family always joked around about how reacted to his niece growing up.  I decided that I needed to take my concerns to the Lord and he would shed some light on the matter.  I felt God nudging me and telling me that I was way too hard on him and that I needed to give him grace and time getting used to being around children.  Slowly, but surely, I saw his guard come down and he started to enjoy the children.  Praise be to Him!

Prior to us getting married we had discussed that we felt it was important to grow together as one before praying about having children.  After spending two and half years together, we felt strongly that if it were in God’s plan to bless us with children, we were ready.

On October 22^nd, 2010 I took my first pregnancy test and it came back positive! Captivated by His blessing, I was ecstatic!  I was going to be a mama!  I went into my doctor’s office to give blood and to confirm I was pregnant.  When the results came back, I was to set up another appointment to meet with my doctor.  The doctor was so booked that she couldn’t get me into see her until I was 12 weeks along.

On Saturday, December 11^th, 2010, I went over to my mother’s for our annual Christmas cookie baking.  I went to the bathroom and noticed blood.  I came out and explained what I had just saw to my mother.  She had told me to call my doctor on that Monday if my bleeding became worse.  Monday arrived and I was still bleeding.  I called my doctor while I was at school and they told me to come in after I was done teaching.  They drew blood to check my hormone levels and the doctor preformed an ultrasound.  Since Paul was working and I left right from school, I was alone, so afraid as to what I was about to see.  On the screen appeared my little miracle, but the heart wasn’t beating. As my eyes started to swell with tears, the doctor said that my dates could be off and the heart wasn’t yet beating (I was 12 weeks at that point, my dates weren't off).  She was so cold and just told me to come back on Wednesday to do a follow up with my blood work to see if my hormones were doubling. 

Wednesday arrived and I went to the doctors to get my blood drawn after the school day.  Stressed out, Paul ran and got dinner to take my mind off of things.  While eating dinner, I noticed that I was starting to get horrible cramps.  I pushed my food aside and told Paul that I needed to get my sub plans done just in case I couldn’t get to school.  Two hours later, I sent my plans off and decided it was best to lie down and take some pain medicine.  Paul went off to bed and that’s right when I began to miscarry my little one.

After the miscarriage, I needed time to heal and to wrap my mind around what had just happened with our first baby.  Paul and I took the time to grow closer to our heavenly Father and felt strongly in God leading us as to when He would bless us with another one.

Six months after our first miscarriage, we felt God was preparing us for another little miracle.  After a month of trying, we found out we were expecting on September 9^th, 2011.   And so this leads us to Grace’s story of our Lord blessing us with our beautiful 6lb 10 oz, 19 ¾ in. miracle baby.

I constantly feel like our Father is molding me and shaping me into a woman I’d never thought I’d be.  Never have I imagined feeling so broken inside, so helpless, and so alone when hearing about my two babies.  Each and every time he has picked me up, dusted me off, and said He would not leave or forsake me.  I knew I needed to solely trust in Him and He would lead me through.  Never once have I doubted His plan for us. I’ve questioned why I’m traveling down these difficult paths, but know that I may never know on this side. I’m learning more and more that it isn’t me in control of my life and I need to surrender all to Him. I praise Him for transforming my heart, challenging my faith, and for allowing me to fall in even more love for Him than I was.  I continue to remain humbled by His love for me! I am so thankful that He sent His very own Son to die for ME so that MY sins are washed away.

Thank you, heavenly Father, for the ultimate sacrifice of your very own Son! Please help me to follow you all the days of my life and to always trust in your plan and purpose for me.  Thank you for entrusting us with our first born, Grace, an unbelievable blessing.  We remain in awe of your splendor!