Grace's Story

Grace's story was long written even before her daddy and I knew we were expecting her.  I fully believe God saw her unformed body and had this miraculous plan for her short life long ago.  Grace was and is such a wonderful blessing and I am so proud to be her mama!

I had been praying about Grace before Paul and I started trying to have another baby.  I was scared after our last loss, but trusted that He would provide if that was His will.

I remember taking my pregnancy test and my eyes and heart filled with joy.  I couldn't wait to tell and show Paul.  While waiting for him to come home from work, I took two more tests just to make sure I was in fact pregnant. ;)  On September 12th, 2011, I went in for my first appointment and my blood work came back wonderful, but my progesterone hormone was low.  The doctor decided to put me on progesterone suppositories until I was 10 weeks along.

Every two weeks I was able to see my little peanut grow in size.  My 10 week appointment was my last ultrasound until 18 weeks when we would have the anatomy scan of Grace.  Everything looked great at 10 weeks and I was able to get a beautiful DVD of our little girl dancing away in my tummy.  Those 8 weeks seemed to crawl by.  I was so anxious to find out what we were having.  Of course I was praying for a healthy baby, but I was more nervous about finding out the gender.  Wow, has that changed me!

Paul took the morning off to attend our appointment on December 22nd, 2011, at 10:00. He and I woke up and decided we would go get breakfast together prior to the appointment.  I remember so vividly, walking into my doctor's office with a smile beaming on my face, on top of the world, and ready to find out what we were having.

The ultrasound tech called us in and began performing the scan.  She kept saying, "Everything looks great."  She's showed us almost every inch of her body, confirmed Grace was a girl, checked her heart, blood flow etc.  After she checked her heart and blood flow, she moved up to Grace's head and couldn't seem to get a good picture.  She became silent and pressed hard on my stomach to try to get an image.  She told me to tilt my hips, turn to the side, and even put a pillow under my lower back. She then titled the table and continued to gab my stomach.  She had me get up and empty out my bladder and repeated everything again.  The tech proceeded to help me up and said that she'd be right back because she wanted to go share the images with the doctor.

I looked at Paul and my eyes began to swell with tears.  The doctor came in, looked at us with a stone cold face, and says, "I'm very sorry to have to share this with you, but your daughter has a fatal birth defect called Anencephaly." Paul looked at her confused and says, "She has what?"  That is when she began to share what this birth defect in her doctor lingo, but all I could help myself from doing was crying. Paul was trying so hard to get all the facts down because he knew I was unable to control myself.  She said that we have three options with this diagnosis: have a d&e (abortion), induce at 27 weeks, or carry her until full term with the possibility of her passing in utero.  He asked her what she would do both medically and personally.  Both of her responses were termination.  She then said that she wanted to get another look at her brain and called the high risk fetal medicine doctor to see if I could get another ultrasound that day.

A nurse came in, handed me a tissue box, and made me walk through the waiting room with tear filled eyes and up the elevator.  The ultrasound tech did another complete ultrasound, stating how wonderful she was, counted her fingers and toes, and kept saying, "Everything looks great!"  She then called the doctor in and he further examined Grace's head.  He, too, concluded that our daughter had Anencephaly and explained our options.

Paul and I left through the back doors and walked down to the elevator and out of the hospital to our car.  We both sat and sobbed. Why us?

My dad had taken the day off of work and Paul suggested we head over there to share the news.  We opened the garage door and walked inside to see my father making his Chex Mix snack for Christmas.  Our eyes met and he could see I had been crying.  He ran over to me, hugged me, and kept saying, "No, no, no!  What's wrong?"  I tried to muster out some of what my doctor had explained, but all that I was able to say was that she isn't going to live.  There are very few times I have seen my dad cry, and this was one of them.

Paul called my mom at work and she came home in an instant.  We sat around the table discussing our options and trying to make sense of it all.  I called my friends to share the news with them and asked for their prayers. The next day I slept and slept.  I had been so distraught that I just felt lifeless.

It was a blessing that I was on winter break for the next week and that my mom always takes her vacation time then.  Over the course of the next several days it was amazing to see how God placed her and others in my life to show me that carrying her was the only option and the best option regardless of how hard it would would be.  He created her, knit her perfectly together in my womb, and knew her long before I ever did.  How was I to take her life from her, regardless of how long she lived?

My pregnancy with Grace went very well for the most part. Grace was taking in amniotic fluid, but was behind in her growth as I became further along in my pregnancy.  At my 39 week appointment, I was 3 centimeters dilated and didn't make anymore progress from my 38 week appointment.  My doctor decided that an induction would be the best route to take and we scheduled it for May 18th, 2012 (one day before her due date).

On May 17th, 2012 at 10:30 pm my water broke.  By the time I called my mom, texted my sister-n- law for guidance, and called my doctor, Paul had the car packed and was ready to go. Bless his heart! We arrived at the hospital around 11:45 and my contractions started shortly after.  From 12:00am to 5:00am I had dilated only 1/2 centimeter more and the nurse suggested that I start Pitocin. In a matter of 3 hours I was ready to begin the delivery of my sweet Grace.

Through the whole labor process, I heard her heart beating so strong on the monitor.  I kept praying that she would make it through the delivery.  The nurse walked over to me to raise the fetal monitoring devise and in the middle of pushing I didn't see her heart beating.  I stopped and looked at the nurse.  I said, "She's gone isn't she?"  The nurse looked at me and shook her head yes.  Instantly, I broke into tears and my ability to continue on was no longer there. In the midst of being heartbroken, my doctor was shouting in the background to keep pushing.  I mustered up the strength and knew I wanted to hold her in my arms, regardless of her being alive or not.

I will not go into details of her entering this world because they are rather graphic.  Grace remained stiff and became "stuck" because of her shoulders. I literally thought I wasn't going to make it.  Paul and my mom sobbed on the side of me knowing how much pain I was in. But, after pushing for 2 1/2 hours, Grace Annmarie Morris entered this world at 12:18pm and she was alive!

The nurses rushed her over to clean her up, put a hat on her, and set her in my arms.  She was beautiful and so unbelievably precious.  My heart melted and in an instant I felt like I understood, even though I really don't, how much God loved me.  This child that God entrusted us with was laying on my chest, gazing up at me with her beautiful blue eyes.  She was everything I longed for and here she was...absolutely breathtaking!

Grace lived 2 hours and 7 minutes in the presence of her grandparents, uncles, aunties, great aunties, our Pastor, and Kelly - our wonderful photographer that has become like family to us.  Much of that time spent with Grace was holding onto her tightly, kissing her, and admiring the beauty that radiated from her.  She looked like her daddy...her sweet little lips, cheeks, chin, etc. She was perfect and she stole my heart!

I will never ever forget the time when Paul and I were taken upstairs into our postpartum room.  My parents said goodbye to Grace with tears pouring from their faces.  And there we were, alone, just the three of us. I needed to order dinner before the cafeteria closed and Paul had to head down to the cafeteria to pick something up for himself to eat.  He left Grace and I alone together for a good twenty minutes.  That time that I spent with her will be forever engrained in my heart.  Even though she wasn't alive at the time, but I still could feel the warmth of her body, my heart and mouth poured out all my feelings.  My tears fell onto her face and I kissed them away.  I sang "You Are My Sunshine" to her like I did when she was in my tummy. I told her of all the things I longed to do with her when I get to heaven, the things I wished I could have done with her here on earth.  I am so thankful for that time with her...It was my only Mommy and daughter time I would ever get to spend with her. 

Grace was in our arms for a moment, but will live on forever in our hearts.  She is and will always be apart of me.  I cannot thank God more for this unbelievable blessing of our sweet Grace.  Our loving Savior and Grace have forever changed me. 



2 comments:

  1. You are such a strong woman - I have learned from you in reading this today. Thank you for that. I know God is with you, guiding you. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

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  2. Mrs.Morris,after reading this made me cry.I know that we met each other during school but never really talk and i didn't know this was happening to you and your baby.I'm very sorry for your lost.I know that i have only been your student for one year but i know that you really wanted a child.I still remember the story you told our class, when you and your husband was going somewhere(i forgot)and you start talking about having a child and your husband was not ready which made you sad...and the time when you miscarried your first child and left us wondering where you been.Then when we met again (this year) and heard you where having a child made us 8th grader so happy.I thought you where happy with no fear like another women out there who has a child too. After Mr.Jex told us that you where in the hospital and told us about your baby made us heartbroken.All i want to say is god bless you and your child Grace.I also hope one day you will find your joy again and when that day comes i hope to hear good news for you and your little joy...
    Love,Sue Vue

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