I have been so blessed by the care I have been receiving from my husband and parents since Grace passed away. On Monday, both Paul and my father stayed with me while I began to regain my strength. Tuesday was spent with just my dad and it was such memorable experience. He and I sat for a good two hours and carried on a conversation while we ate breakfast together. Grace remained at the forefront of the conversation and it made me so joyous to see how much he cared for her as well. Today, my mom took off work and came to pick me up so her and my father could finish up some yard work at their home. Afterwards, she and I went to pick out our vegetables for our garden and flowers for around the yard.
On the way back to my house I turned on K-LOVE and Matt Redman's 10,000 Reasons played on the radio. The verse that played read:
"And on that day
When my strength is failing
The end draws near
And my time has come
Soon my soul will
Sing your praise unending
10,000 years
And there forever more."
Tears instantly poured from my face and all I could think about was when my daughter laid in my arms and gasped for her final breaths of air. Even though she spent two precious hours with us, her strength was failing and her end was drawing near the entire time. She struggled and fought to stay alive. Selfishly, I wanted her to keep fighting so I could hold my baby girl longer, but I prayed that she would no longer have to suffer and that He would call her home.
For once in my life I wanted time to stand still with Grace. Ever since I can remember I always wanted time to pass so quickly. My mind was always on to the next thing when I wasn't even finished with the task at hand. When I was in middle school I couldn't wait to be in high school. When I was in high school, I wished I was in college. Then it went from going out to parties with friends to wanting to be married. When married, all I wanted was to start a family. It seems as though I always want time to speed up so I can be onto the next endeavor in my life.
After hearing of her diagnosis in December, I thought that the next five months would be so difficult and long knowing her outcome. April arrived before I knew it and all I wanted more than anything was for time to just slow down. As each day passed, I knew it was one day less that I had with her in my womb. One day less to feel her little feet dance in my tummy and to feel her body move inside of me.
When she entered the world I wanted to press the pause button on my life. I wanted her to be in our presence forever and didn't want her end to draw near. Those two hours were the fastest two hours of my life and I'll never get them back. I'll never get to hold onto her tiny little hands, kiss her sweet cheeks, and run my hand over her body.
I feel like Grace and our heavenly Father are constantly teaching me more about life as each day passes. I've learned that I need to slow down and appreciate what I'm currently going through, whether it be challenge or a joyous occasion. I need to delight in my current situation and not think about what is to come. Because, ultimately, God only knows what is in store for me.
My sweet, sweet Grace,
It has been five days since I last laid eyes on your beautiful soul. My, you are a gorgeous little girl. You were a perfect combination of your daddy and I. You weighed 6lbs 10oz and were 19 3/4' long. Praise be to Him! What a blessing you are to me and your daddy! I will always remember cradling you in my arms and secretly not wanting anyone else to hold you. Even though others may see your birth defect before they see you for who you are, I want you to know that I will always defend you in any and every situation. You captured my heart little one and are our gift from God. I am so thankful for the amount of time I was blessed to spend with you. I pray my sweet girl, that you did not have to suffer while your end was drawing near. You taught me not to be afraid of death, do you know that? I can't wait to be reunited with you in heaven. My arms will be open wide just as they were here on earth for you. I love you, my beautiful Grace!
Love Always and Forever,
Your Mama
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