Only in Him

Perhaps I should clarify my blog post from Tuesday...it's still on my mind and I promise once I get this off my chest, you'll hear nothing more of it.  I re-read what I wrote and I felt that my words came across as though there was a blow out between the two of us.  I often think of the word confrontation as having a negative connotation to it and I do not want my readers to think that my doctor came across as attacking.  In fact, she was very calm and even keel the entire time.  She never came across as though she was furious that I revealed information about her care on my blog, but explained how she was sorry for not giving me the care that I thought I deserved.  She repeatedly said that she by no means wanted to make anything harder on me and I appreciated the fact that she mentioned that she felt bad, cried, and even prayed for us. If she really meant what she said, I'm not sure, but I like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.  I'm also very thankful that I received a phone call from her on Wednesday informing me of the results of my blood work.  I think it shows a lot about a doctor when they take time out of their busy schedule (no sarcasm intended) to personally talk with their patients.  Now, I don't want to put the blame solely on her because I should have stepped up and said something if I was feeling hurt and offended by her comments.  However, I'm very much that person and keeps things inside in the heat of the moment.  This has really taught me that a doctor/patient relationship (as does any other) needs to work both ways.  I need to be open with my doctor and express how I am feeling. She could only care for me how she knows, not how I expect her to care for me.

. . . . . . . . . 

 I spend a great deal of time on Fridays teary eyed (Gracie was born on a Friday).  I feel like I relive Grace's birth and the time we spent with her over and over again.  I look at the clock at 12:18pm and am reminded how wonderful it felt to bring one of God's children into this world.  Most Fridays I cut Grace some new flowers to put on top of her wooden box, spend time with her, and look at the pictures and the DVD that Kelly so graciously made for us. As I was looking through the pictures again today, I got held up on one picture in particular.  This picture...

Do you see it?... I am laughing.  My first born, my baby girl, the one I carried for nine months had just passed away and here I am laughing.

If you have ever wondered if there truly is a God, I want you to look closely at this picture and ask yourself a question.  How could this be happening if there isn't One?

I prayed over and over again for God to help me rejoice in her birth and to provide me with joy and peace while she was with us.  And you know what? Kelly was able to capture my prayers being answered in this very photograph. 

The peace that passes all understanding...

Only in Him!

Humbled

This morning was my postpartum doctors appointment as I discussed in my post last week.  Remember how I had mentioned how odd it was that I was being rescheduled and how the nurse on the phone said that my doctor wanted to "talk" with me?  In my phone conversation with my mom that evening, I actually said to her,"What if she wanted to 'talk' with me because of my blog?"  My response from my mother was, "You're out of your mind."  At the time I was laughing about it, but the truth of matter is my doctor read (and still might be) reading my blog.  I guess I'm really not out of my mind, huh mom? =) 

My intention in writing this blog is to share with everyone (it is on the Internet for all to see) how the Lord has carried us through one of our deepest valleys in our lives.  It is written for my family and friends who never got to meet or want to know more about our sweet Grace, so that they may love her through my words.  It is for other mothers and fathers who may be faced with a difficult decision on whether or not they should carry their child.  It written for those who are weary in their faith so that they may understand the depth of His love, even when times are rough.  Lastly, it is written for me (as selfish as that sounds)... because I find that healing occurs through expressing my heart and my true feelings. 

This blog was NEVER written to slander or bring hurt to the two doctors (my doctor during my miscarriage and current) or anyone that I have written about. I purposefully did not mention who they were so I would not defame their name.  I still to this day would never mention who my doctors were or are to my readers for that very reason.  This blog was never written so that I may act un-Christ like even in my suffering (as if that should be an excuse).  And it was never written to bring people down emotionally.  And if it ever gets to that point, which prayerfully it never will, someone stop me.  Because then the true purpose of my writing has gone down the crapper. 

Now, I'm torn on whether my actions in writing about their very comments, facial expressions, and gestures were Christ like. Personally, I don't believe I wrote anything thus far that I wouldn't say to them in a conversation.  I stated facts and wrote about my experience through carrying Grace.  I understand that words can often be read a different way than which they were intended. My intentions through my writing are merely to tell a story and those actions presented were part of Grace's story.  I'm not trying to sit here an justify why I did what I did. But if you feel that God is placing it on your heart to tell me if my actions were wrong, please tell me. 

My heart feels very heavy, not because I feel like I did something wrong, but because I hate to make other people hurt or feel bad.  Truly, my heart ached as she confronted me about my writing and the precise comments that she remembered from my blog.  I can only imagine reading comments from my students on their blog about something I said or did to them that made them feel a certain way.  I'm sure she takes pride in her work as I do a teacher.  I'm sure she cared for me the best way she possibly could like I do as a teacher.  I'm sure her tried her very hardest to not let her emotions play a factor in her work as I do a teacher. 

The truth of the matter is, this was a great wake up call for me.  I've never written on a blog before that can be viewed by anyone who wishes.  It's actually kind of scary knowing ANYONE has a free pass into my heart and life, but I guess that's why I started it.  I've always tried to write in a way that would bring glory to God, because that is how I try to live out my life...so why wouldn't that play huge role in what I write about?  I need to be consciousness of what I am writing and who I am writing about because others (like my family and friends) may not want their interactions with me written about.  Also, if I'm here to write and have my words read, then I need to be ready for confrontation. Regardless if I write about  myself, someone else, or God; I need to be ready to defend and back up what I say. 

 As I sit and try to rationalize this "talk," I see God's hand all over this.  I'm not sure who sent my blog to my doctor since she said, "someone shared it with her," but people are in fact reading my words! Over 1, 205 times my blog has been viewed in over a month from people all around the word.  Grace's story is being heard! God is changing hearts and some people are feeling convicted.  When conviction happens, people change...well, at least I do.  I never knew if my doctor was a Christian, but my heart melted when she told me she personally would terminate (not that I should).  I've prayed from that day on that God would change her heart/thinking and use me as a disciple in doing so. My words were subtle but my obedience to the Lord was obvious.  I will continue to pray for her even if I feel the need to find a different caregiver.  I will continue to love her like Christ loves us even if I felt I wasn't treated the best initially.  We are all human and we all make mistakes in what we do and say...I pray that God allows us to see those mistakes and helps us to change what needs to be fixed.


Heavenly Father,
    Thank you for opening my eyes to see the bigger picture today.  I thank you for allowing me to notice and to be convicted of my actions and how my writing my hurt someone else.  Lord, I pray that my words are words that you would say and that the purpose of this blog only glorifies Your name.  Please bring conviction into my heart if my intentions are otherwise.  I will continuously thank you for blessing us with Grace, because through her, You are changing hearts and minds.Thank you for teaching us to love one another as You have first loved us.  




By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another (John 13:35).

Complete

I've been struggling these past couple days seeing an abundance of pregnant women and seeing newly born babies nestled in their parent's arms.  I miss carrying Grace, even with the backaches and the swollen hands and feet.  I'd give anything to have her back inside of me.  Look at how beautiful she was while I was carrying her at 29 weeks.

 

I want you to know that I am by no means jealous or bitter of these women and the blessings that God has bestowed on them, just hurting inside.  I thought I was to the stage where I'd be okay seeing other babies that were born right around the time of Grace.  I thought I'd be okay hearing them cry or watching their mamas feed them.

But I'm not..I'm not at all.  In fact, I spent most of my Sunday so tired because I couldn't sleep Saturday night after seeing three newly born babies.  Besides my knees bothering me, I thought about the glow that radiated from each of those mothers that night.  I sat and thought about how different my life would have been if Grace were physically with us and I wondered if I'd have that same glow.

I had an interesting conversation with Kara and my friend Kirsten that night about how we perceive ourselves differently than others see us.  People may not see that glow that new mamas have in me because I'm struggling with the loss of Grace, but I hope that people see a glow that portrays a love for Jesus Christ even in my suffering.

I started reading Paul's letter to the Philippians this morning and was awestruck.  The word tells us God promises to bring everything to completion.  While carrying Grace I prayed so hard for the Lord to perform a miracle - to make her whole and complete.  While reading verse 6 -"being confident of this, that he who began good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus," I pondered over that word complete.  Grace wasn't complete here on Earth - she was missing the top part of her skull and brain, but He made her still perfect in every way.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized that it doesn't mean He is going to make us complete here on Earth, right?  He makes us whole and complete in His presence.  I find comfort in the fact that He has made Grace complete with Him in heaven. What an image! In verses 12-14, Paul goes on to write about how he is in chains for Christ to advance the gospel.  And because of those of chains, brothers and sisters in the Lord have been encouraged to speak the word of God more courageously and fearlessly.  God blessed us ever so graciously with our sweet Grace and due to this blessing, I have never felt so called to share Him with the word as I was able to share her. 

I hope and pray my glow radiates His goodness and love for all His children. I want to be like Paul, and advance the gospel for His glory!  

I find hope in Him knowing one day I'll see her again, both of us complete and whole, worshiping our Creator - together, hand in hand! 


I thank God every time I remember you (Gracie).  Philippians 1:3

Dry Bones

Today our sermon entitled Valley of Dry Bones was riveting!  We focused on the passage from Ezekiel 37: 1-14. I am no preacher by any means, and I don't intend to be, so perhaps this is a good time for you to take our your Bible and read the scripture before I show you this video that Pastor Bryan played in church.  Got it?  Now read, I'll give you some time..... 


Okay here is the video for you visual learners...Seriously, watch it! 

In verse 11 it says, "Then he said to me: Son of man, these bones are the people of Israel.  They say, 'Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are cut off."  The scripture goes on to say how his people will know he is Lord because he will open our graves, bring us up from them, and will put his Spirit in us and we will live.

I emphasized 'hope is gone' in the passage because often times we feel like our hope is gone and that God couldn't be further from us when we are faced with something difficult in our lives.  As Pastor Bryan stated today, "The bottom line is, God does his best work when our hope runs dry."  Look at this passage from Ezekiel alone - life came from dry bones.

Think about a time in your life where you have hit rock bottom and thought you couldn't go on - your hope ran dry. God is always present to supply a need we may have, to fix what's broken, or fill what's empty in order to restore us.

I couldn't help but think of my journey with Grace all throughout this message.  Was God trying to restore my dead bones through our situation? There were many times that I felt so broken and alone in my suffering; I felt my hope had run dry.  No one understood truly how much hurt I was experiencing while carrying her.  Some people tried to equate it to a miscarriage, and I got that they were trying to understand my pain, but I went through one myself, and this didn't even compare.  The only one I could turn to in my time of need was God, the only one that would listen for hours and hours of sobbing was Him, the only one that I could express my anger and frustration to was Him...because He got it and He could take it.  We sure serve a BIG and Mighty God!  Throughout this journey, He helped fix what was broken inside of me.  He turned my mourning into dancing because I know I will get to see my Gracie again through the gift of salvation.  He also provided me with such a different view on life - one that wants to profess the greatness of the gospel.  Because my dear readers, our only hope should be in Him and Him alone.  He is the one that will open our graves and bring us up from them.  He is the only one that will put His Spirit in us and we will live. 

"God can bring dead things back to life!"  Thanks, Pastor Bryan, for reminding me of that! 

Now ask yourself...what is dead in my life that I would like God to restore?  Where has my hope run dry?  

My Hope Is In You: Aaron Shust

My Deliverer

My mom is one of my very best friends.  Paul and my dad actually make fun of us by calling us "BFF's." We just laugh because well, it's true!  I couldn't imagine life without her.  Ever since I went off to college and got married, she and I talk almost every night on the phone.  There was an exception in there when I was pregnant with Grace - I went to bed almost directly after eating because I couldn't keep my eyes open.  She caught on quickly and we started the phone calling much, much earlier.

My mom and I share everything..well almost everything together.  Sometimes, I think it weirds Paul out.  He'll hear me on the phone with her and roll his eyes, or I hear, "Oh, come on!"  So it wasn't any surprise that I wanted my mom by my side when I delivered Grace.  Truthfully, I would have had my dad in there as well, but I didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable.  Every step of my pregnancy she was there helping me through it.  She even came to my 10 week appointment to see our little bean hiccuping and dancing away.  Seeing the smile on her face was priceless. 

Yesterday evening she and I went to an art expo in downtown West Allis.  We got dinner together at a place called Bunkers and tried to figure our where the art was actually hiding.  Much to our surprise we asked our waitress about the event and she said that their featured artist just came.  We turn around and it's a person who draws caricatures.  We both looked at each other with a puzzled face.  We most definitely didn't think that would be part of the art expo, but who were we to judge.  As we made our way through downtown, we decided that this wasn't what we thought it would be and headed to Paulies to relax outside and have a drink.

As our conversation moved to discussing my upcoming doctors appointment, my mom suggested that I express my true feelings to my doctor. She said to tell her what a blessing Grace is to our family and how she shouldn't be so quick tell a family to terminate their baby because it is taking away their mother/fatherhood.  Some families may not be able to experience life growing inside of them again and why should she suggest medically that termination is the best option.  I carried Grace like any normal pregnancy, but had the slight possibility that I could have a build up of amniotic fluid since she couldn't suck and swallow like most babies.   

 My mom knows I'm not one to stir up controversy.  In fact, I often keep my mouth shut and let others say the things that I wish I could have.  It's not the best quality, I know.  But, as she and I were speaking, my mom continues to remind me that I need to share with my doctor how God delivered throughout my ENTIRE pregnancy.  Let me explain:  The first evening we found Grace's diagnosis, I sat and sobbed about how difficult I thought it was going to be to feel her move inside of me for the next 5 months.  God flipped the script and made it into something joyous.  I loved feeling her move because it was a reminder that she was still with us and when I didn't feel her, I became worried.  I asked for strength and to be at peace while carrying her.  I never had any complications with a high level of amniotic fluid, which most Anecephalic mamas have. Grace turned in my womb and wasn't breech like most babies are with Anencephaly.  I started to dilate, my water broke, and I started contractions on my very own, which is very unlikely to happen with a diagnosis such as this.  Throughout my whole pregnancy, I prayed that Grace would be born alive and that we could get to spend time with her.  I asked God to take her peacefully and that I could rejoice in her birth, and not mourn our loss while she was in our presence.  And you know what...each and every prayer was answered.  He is a God that hears our prayers and delivers our requests.

Throughout my pregnancy and birth with Grace, I clung to a verse in book of Psalm to remind me that my God is my resting place. "The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold (Psalm 18:2)."  He is a God that can get me through any and every situation and will protect me and my heart.  He delivers!  

Thank you, Father, for being my rock and deliverer through my journey with Grace. I find great comfort knowing that I can hide in the heart of You.  I pray Lord, that you may provide the peace and comfort that you ever so graciously blessed me with to other families that are experiencing a similar loss.  You are my only hope, Lord. Thank you for entrusting us with one of your beautiful children.  Help me, Lord, to remain in you and to keep my eyes fixed upon you daily. 

God Is Love

I cleaned out my filthy purse yesterday afternoon...it was long overdue.  I always change over to a new purse at the beginning of a new season.  I like the change and the organizing that occurs in the process.  In the midst all of the gum wrappers, sermon notes, lip glosses, and mints, my wallet laid open with Pink n Save receipts hanging out of it.  I began rummaging through it to find this tiny leather heart that my sister-n-law, Jamie, had given me after my miscarriage.  The heart was given to her from her mother after she experienced a loss of her own.  I grabbed a hold of the heart and rubbed it with my thumb.  Never did I imagine I would have to endure something as difficult as loosing another child after going through my miscarriage.  I sat down in my chair with the heart in my hand and cried - I'll never get to know Grace's heart, her hopes and dreams for the future, and it crushed me. 

On Monday, I called the genetic counselor that Paul and I met with after hearing Grace's diagnosis.  She explained to us at the meeting that they could examine and analyze her chromosomes through two methods.  The high risk fetal maternal doctor could have preformed an amniocentesis or CVS and draw the fluid out while I was still carrying her.  This method can cause women to miscarry or to go into pre-term labor.  Another option was to draw her blood after her birth and use my placenta for testing.  Without hesitation, Paul and I knew we were going to wait until we had her.  What was the rush in knowing anyway?  We wanted to enjoy our baby girl, regardless if it was a genetic issue and we were to never be able to have children again.  I never received a phone call back on Monday, and she ALWAYS called me back immediately.  

Yesterday morning I answered a phone call from the scheduling department at my OB/GYN (no I haven't switched doctors).  The woman on the other end informed me that I needed to reschedule my appointment because the doctor wanted to see me.  A scowl appeared on my face instantly. I thought to myself, "Why does SHE want to see me and not the nurse?"  "Was something wrong?" "Was it because the genetic counselor called my doctor with the results and there is a genetic issue?"  All these questions began popping into my head.  So, I asked the woman, "Do have any idea as to why I have to move my appointment?"  She responded that she would have to ask the nurse and call me back  After hours of waiting, the nurse finally called and explained that the doctor wanted to check on me to see how I was doing (shocking) and to talk with me (gulp).  She quickly proceeded to tell me that my new appointment was for next week and if I needed anything in the meantime that I shouldn't hesitate to call. 

Perhaps I should have been slightly more forward and just asked if it had something to do with Grace's genetics, but I didn't. Part of me was nervous to find out and I didn't know if I was ready to hear the news at that point in time.  Instead, I decided to have it fester in my heart and mind until next week because I didn't have the nerve to just ask.  Why didn't I just ask? Why do I do this to myself ALL the time? Maybe her wanting to chat with me had NOTHING to do with Grace's genetics at all. I had no idea if the genetic counselor even shared the results with her.  Maybe my doctor was actually just showing she cared about my well- being and truly just wanted to "talk" with me.

I made my way into the shower so I could get ready for my dinner date with my sister-n-law Kristin.  I let the water beat down on my face and I sobbed as I prayed to God to help me through another difficult waiting period.  I prayed that whatever His will is for us to be content.  Regardless of what happens I thought, my Savior will ALWAYS remain the same!  I feel so unbelievably called to be a mama, but if that's not in my deck of cards or lot, I need to accept it and seek His will for our lives together.  As I prayed and prayed, I felt like my Father was there hugging me, telling me everything would be okay, and gave me this overwhelming sense of peace. What an amazing feeling that was!

After I finished my conversation with the Lord, I cleaned up and began the process of getting ready for the night. Paul entered the house and started sharing his day with me as I put my eyeliner on.  After our talk, he made his way into the bedroom and called one of his friends to make plans for their evening together.  I decided to call my mama since I wouldn't get the chance to talk to her later on.  Through our conversation, I heard the buzzing noise of another call coming in.  I interrupted my mom speaking and told her about this call.  I didn't recognize the number and seldom answer it if I don't know who it is.  This time was different...I told my mom to hold on and I clicked over.  Low and behold, it was Andrea...our genetic counselor!!  Thank you Lord, for not allowing me to wait!  She told me that she had the report and has not opened it yet, but first wanted me to explain my experience having Grace. After I finished and shared how God was working in us, she began to read the report. I took a deep breath and listened.  "Jessica, it says here that your daughter has 'normal' chromosomes.  Meaning that her condition is not genetic."  Praise be to Him! She continued to say that the report says that there is a slight possibility that the chromosomes tested could be mine from the uterine lining.  However, the chances of that are slim and they typically say that to "cover their butts."

Hallelujah..prayers have been answered, yet again!  Just looking back at that day, He couldn't have been more present.  He watched over me and protected my heart - GOD IS LOVE!  I'm so thankful to hear that Paul and I have the possibility to have more children, God willing.  I pray that He entrusts us to give Gracie a little brother or sister one day and that we are able share her legacy with her siblings.



And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Jesus Christ (Philippians 4:7). 

How To Help

Having a friend or a family member go through a miscarriage or baby loss can be very challenging.  Often times we never really know how to respond to someone unless we are in the situation ourselves.  I remember when a family member of my own had a miscarriage, I had no idea what to say or how to respond at the time.  In fact, I remember saying all the wrong things to her that no one wants to hear when they are suffering a loss.  For example, "God will bless you."  "You will have a healthy baby in the future." "Next time, you will have twins." "She's/He's in a better place." "It was God's plan."  "God can't give you anything you can't handle."  "You can try again."  "You're young, you have plenty of time."  While some of these comments are accurate and the intentions were wonderful, your heart has just been torn out of your chest.  Trying again or having other children will never replace the loss the person just experienced.  Please be sensitive to the situation and know that a simple "I'm sorry" and a hug would suffice. 

I saw a posting on another blog about how to help a friend during a loss and I couldn't help but simile.  All of these things that I am about to list have been done for me in some way, shape, or form.  I have had such a wonderful support system from my dearest family members and friends along the way.  In fact, I truly realized that family just doesn't have to be blood.  Some of my friends showed me what it truly means to be a friend.  They mourned with me and endured my pain and suffering all along the way.  I think my dear friend Kara, bless her heart, cried more for me and Grace than I did.  I am truly blessed to have felt so much love and care during the most difficult time in my life. So, thank you to all of you and your selfless acts of kindness that you have displayed during our journey with Grace.  You have no idea how much it meant and still means to Paul and I.  We love you!


(Please note:  Below is the post from the other blog.  It is copied directly, with some side comments added in from me).


How To Help A Family Member/Friend Who Lost A Baby: 

Messages and cards throughout our journey with Gracie

1. Call, email, send messages, write notes.  But please don't be offended if she doesn't respond at all or right away. It can get overwhelming to get lots of notes, and they are so encouraging, but many times the energy is so zapped that she won't be able to respond to each message.  Do say something. And don't give up!  Your friend may not feel like talking to anyone. She will want and need to know her friends still love and support her. In the days immediately surrounding her loss, she may feel numb and not even be capable of a response. Your notes of love and sympathy will not go unnoticed. Same thing if you are on Facebook... send her a message or post a note on her wall. I read every single comment I received; with each one, I felt more and more comforted. Even if you don't know the person very well... go ahead and send a note. I received notes and messages from people I've never even spoken to or met in my life, but I still appreciated it just as much.

2.  Don't stop writing notes....or texting....continue doing this weeks or months after the baby is born.  The mom hasn't forgotten, but lots of others have, or it's not at the top of their minds anymore.  It is so nice to know that others still care, even after things have quieted down.  Make yourself a note to write to that person or even just give them a quick note, "I'm still thinking about you...I'm still praying for you."                                 

Notes from my students...God is good!

3. Bring meals to them. Initially, when my friend Lisa suggested setting up this site (http://www.takethemameal.com/) I became a little apprehensive.  I felt like I could manage cooking for Paul and I prior to and after having Grace.  However, she told me that cooking was last thing she wanted me to worry about.  Boy, was she right! Kara provided some names from individuals at our school and Lisa created this amazing website for them to sign up for easy coordination. Prior to having Grace, it was so nice to have meals provided that we could just reheat.  It was hard to maneuver around the kitchen and I was so tired to begin with.  Some people that don't cook, provided us with gift cards, or purchased us meals from restaurants. It was just so nice not to not have to worry about making sure Paul and I were fed. I'm so glad I let down my pride and allowed people to help.  It really made Paul and I feel loved!

4. You'll want to offer them advice... don't. I would almost go so far as to say, resist the urge to say something positive, too. Well meaning statements such as "You can have more children" or "God has a plan for you" just don't help.  This applies if you know someone carrying a baby with a fatal birth defect or after the baby is born..  (I should make a list of well-meaning things NEVER to say...) Your friend doesn't want another baby-- she wants the one she just lost.  Just like in the book of Job when his friends sat with him in silence for days, often speaks more than any words could. I also think its perfectly okay to acknowledge to your friend, "This sucks." Because it does. Sugar coating it doesn't help anything. You know it sucks. She knows it sucks. So don't worry about putting on a rainbow show.  Allow you friends to feel sad, be a listener. Ask them how they're doing.  Tell them what verses in the bible you are praying over them.  I loved going back to look at my notes and text messages that showed me what verses were being prayed over my baby and my life.  I would go back and read them and feel so loved.

5. Do something practical. If your friends have other children, take them out of the house for an afternoon. Offer to take them overnight while she is at the hospital. Offer to help with the dogs.  Maybe your friend needs her yard mowed. Remember, dads experience loss and grief just like the mom, but often in different ways. The last thing he probably wants to do is mow the yard. Ask if you can help her with housework, laundry... whatever. When Paul and I came home from the hospital, my mom and dad had completely cleaned every inch of our house and did all the yard work. It was such a relief to come home to a clean house and the yard work taken care of.  Our laundry was even was even washed and folded and in our rooms.  Things such as these sure meant a lot.

6. Continue to invite them to things. Even though your friend will probably not feel up for being around lots of people, still invite her. Don't give up even when she continues to turn you down. :)

7. Contribute to a memorial fund. Sometimes, parents will set up a memorial fund in honor of their baby who has passed away. Sometimes, they may not have a memorial fund set up, but there is some kind of organization or fund you can contribute to in honor/memory of their little one.  My coworkers at school collected money for a memorial fund for Grace and some individuals purchased two peony plants in remembrance of our daughter (White Grace and Annamarie). Our plan is to make a memorial garden for her.  With the money that was collected we want to purchase a tree that booms in May to be placed on our lot when we build.  We also hope to place her wooden box below so that we can spend time with her, read scripture, and play in the yard with her.  A very special thank you to those that contributed to a fund for our sweet Gracie!  Because of your generous donations, we are able to remember her daily!

White Grace

Annamarie

8. Don't be afraid to cry with your friend.  It can be so comforting to just sit with a friend in her loss.  Sharing tears with your friend can be really special too.  There were seasons when I was pregnant where I could not hold a natural conversation with hardly anyone, because they would start crying just talking to me!  But that's okay!  It truly showed me how much they care for us.  I have received numerous emails from 'friends'  whom I've never met in person, but who have told me that they have shed many tears for us.  That touched me so much!  So don't be afraid of the tears.  They are God's way of helping to heal our hearts.  To be honest, so many of my tears were cried during this pregnancy, that my tears are not as abundant now.  I really appreciate knowing that others feel them too.

 

My niece, Emily, drew a picture for Grace! "Grace, I love you"

9. Speak their child's name.   We all know names are especially powerful.  Most parents spend months thinking of the perfect name for their little one.  Names give us our identity and can continue a family legacy.  So when you speak of your friend's child by name, it acknowledges their existence.  There is an Egyptian proverb that says, "To speak the name of the dead is to make them live again."  Names are powerful.    So don't be afraid to speak to your friend about her child, mentioning him or her by name.  :-)  Also, compliment them on the name if you like it. 

10. Pray for them!  And let them know you are praying for them.  A lot of times, people will say as an addendum to a conversations, "I'll pray for you."  Some people genuinely mean it, others just say it because it seems like the right thing to say.  Whatever you do, if you tell them you are praying for them, DO IT!  My friend Kara would write out her prayers and then one of her students would deliver them to me. It meant the world to me and brought tears to my eyes...good tears!  As I mentioned before, it is also really nice to hear what verses are being prayed over you.  In the past, I never prayed specific verses over friends.  This experience has helped me to know that praying specific verses is a great idea, a great way to speak love to your friends.

11.  Don't complain about your baby to them!  Don't get me wrong, you're still allowed to complain to us, just try to remember who you are talking to when you complain.   Most people who have lost babies were so thankful to be pregnant, and were so looking forward to having that child on Earth.  Although being a parent is tough, please don't ever say that we should be "thankful that we still have sleep" or "happy that we have time on our own".  As you complain about feedings, late nights, crying, etc.....we can't help but think that we would LOVE TO be up all night, hear the crying, etc......ANYTHING to avoid losing a child.  I know that's hard to understand, and we know parenting will be a very, very hard task (some of us have other children already), but it will not be comforting to us to tell us that your baby is actually not that fun anyway.  That being said, you can tell us your stories about your babies, but just don't tell us why we should be thankful for our sleep, money, etc.  I hope that doesn't sound mean, because I'm not mad to hear the complaints, I just think it's worth remembering if you have a friend that lost a baby.

12. Remember the anniversary of their baby's death.  We just had Grace's one month anniversary and I cannot tell you how much I appreciated the texts, messages on FB, or little gift reminders of Grace.  I know some people think it's hard to bring up, but your friends will appreciate the fact that you REMEMBERED their baby.  This is spoken directly from the blog post, but I can imagine it will be this way....  "I cannot tell you how much it means to me when my mom or sister or someone remembers an anniversary... 1 month, 6  months, whatever.  Mark it on your calendar, so that when the one year anniversary comes, you can send them a card or give them a call to let them know you still remember their baby."

A charm will be added every year on Grace's birthday. Thank you, Michelle!

 I'm am certain that there are MANY more things to add.  Many of us have gone through miscarriages, so if there is something to add that a friend/family member did for you, please let me know! Thank you for reading these tips to help someone that may have lost a baby.  I know that when these acts were performed for me, I was elated!  

Here are some gift ideas other ideas that were so graciously made or given to us: 

Blankets:

Handmade for Grace by Kara

Embroidered by Mrs. Scholz

                                             

 Jewelry:

 

From my brother Matt, sister-in-law Jame, Emily, and Owen (Lisa Leonard Designs)

Charm bracelet from my Auntie Linda

Other Gift Ideas:

Beautiful smelling perfume from Kara

A plaque to hang: Thank you Auntie Debbie!

Emily's baby outfit and memory box for Gracie

Angel of Grace from Erin

Beautiful frames from Chris and Mary Ellen

Mother's Day gift from Kara - already used by me! =)

Angel Wind Chime from my brother Eric, sister-in-law K, Hannah, Jacob, and Sarah

Now when Job’s three friends heard of all this evil that had come upon him, they came each from his own place, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite. They made an appointment together to come to show him sympathy and comfort him (Job 2:11).

A Heavy Heart

Instead of putting a number 1 on my daughter's chest to represent her 1 month of growth today, I'm praising Him for keeping Gracie safe in His arms.  I'm not going to lie, it's been a rough day...in fact, yesterday (Father's Day) was rough on me as well.  I could hardly get myself physically out of bed and my heart has been flooded sadness.

I went into work this morning to clean out my bookshelves since I will no longer be in my same classroom next year.  Yes, I am officially the new English as a Second Language middle school teacher!  As I walked into my bare room, I couldn't help but think of my baby girl and all the changes that have been occurring in my life since we found out about her diagnosis.  Change is never easy, but I think there's something to be said about someone who can accept the newness of a situation and make the best out of whatever God's plan is. Even though I miss her terribly and wish I was cradling her in my arms as I write, I'm thankful for the transformation of my mind and heart.  I've never been bitter, resentful, or even angry at God for what happened to Grace.  He is good and I know His plan surpasses my understanding. 

 As I put the novels into different crates, I thought about all the chapters in her life that I wish I could have experienced with her.  I'll never get to see her crawl, take her first step, say mama, wave hello, or read her first word.  The more I thought about these things, the more I realized that the devil was trying to stir up anger in my heart.  I stopped and prayed for the Lord to heal my broken heart, for Him to give me peace and comfort today and always.  I know that I'll never get to experience these things with her, but I find reassurance knowing that she is healed and doesn't have to endure the wickedness of this world.

♥ Thank you to those of you who remembered it was Grace's one month anniversary today!  My heart melted that you thought of and remembered her!  ♥

. . . . . . . .

Yesterday was Father's Day and I think it almost had a bigger impact on me than it did Paul. Part of me still thinks Paul doesn't consider himself a "Dad" even though he very much is.  I know my emotions and feelings have been very different about Grace since we found out we were pregnant.  It bothered me that Paul didn't get excited to feel her kick or want to talk to her while I was carrying her.  

However, the moment she entered the world, he was captivated by her.  His emotions were raw and he exuded love like I have never seen before.  He held her with pride and comforted her with love.  I had to almost pry Grace out his arms so I could hold her...I'm kidding.  He was always very apprehensive about holding babies in the past.  In fact, he never wanted to hold my nieces and nephews when they were first born.  His paternal instinct kicked into overdrive with Grace and he scooped her up like he had done it for years.  Even with her head being the way it was, he was so careful and knew exactly what he was doing.  He showered her with so much care and love in those two hours.  It melted my heart.  He was and is a wonderful father, and I don't know why he would think differently.  

My father has always been one of my biggest cheerleaders in life.  Whatever I have my heart set on, he always has encouraged me to go at it 110%.  He's there to support me and cheer me on no matter what. He's someone I can talk to and ask for advice.  He makes me laugh hysterically and loves me through thick and thin. He challenges my thinking and inspires me to think outside the box. He's someone I can turn to because I know he will never let me down. He is a man of few words; but when he does speak, he speaks of truth and wisdom. God has blessed me with an amazing dad! 

My dad is also a wonderful grandfather!  Over the years I've watched how he cares for his grandchildren...it's a selfless love.  And he showed his care and love for Gracie the exact same way.  Watching him hold her on the couch in the hospital room brought tears to my eyes.  He sat there and gazed at her with delight even though he had up been for nearly 33 hours.   

When I think of all the wonderful fathers out there, I can't help but think of how awesome our Heavenly Father is to us.  Honestly, I think He often gets overshadowed on Father's Day when we should be praising and thanking Him for all that He has done for us. I know it's hard for some people to understand the depth of His love, but when I think of all of the wonderful qualities my Earthly father possesses, my Heavenly Father has those exact same ones, and more (sorry dad).  He loves us as far as the east is from the west, has a love that is unfailing, he never leaves us, he listens, he cares, etc.  The list could go on and on of how magnificent our Father truly is.  So if you forgot to thank Him yesterday like you did your Earthly Father, go ahead and thank Him now for all that He has done and continues to do in your life...He deserves it! 

♥ Grace's Father's Day gift to her Daddy and Grandpa! ♥
It says, "I love you this much."

Dear Grace, 

   It's 90+ degrees out today and I almost passed out when cleaning my classroom.  Sweat came pouring off my forehead the moment I stepped foot into the school building. I felt like Grandma with her hot flashes, except the sweat and hot feeling didn't go away!  I had to leave school and come home to cool off.  I've been thinking of you since the moment I woke up.  It's like that most days. Today has been a day full of tears and heartache. It's been 1 month since I've last kissed you, held your hand, and rubbed those darling little feet.  It's been 1 month of having a hole in my heart and feeling like a part of me has died.  I'll never be the same, and that's just fine.  God is good and has provided me comfort.  I've been told a lot of people are praying for your dad and I.  I truly feel like He has given me the strength, peace, and comfort like I've asked people to pray for.  I never knew I could have so much love for you, someone I hardly knew.  Until I had you Gracie, I feel like I never knew love. I now feel like I have a small glimpse at the amount of love God has for His children.  I want you to know that as time passes, my love and care for you will never cease.  You are apart of me forever, my beloved daughter.  I smile thinking of you dancing and raising your hands high, praising the One that created you.  I can't wait to join you in that dance!  Until then, I love you so much, Gracie!

My heart and soul,

Mama 

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven (Ecclesiastes 3:1).

Carried

I'm finding that the more I am in and surrounded by the Word, the more comforted and at peace I feel.  I was explaining to several friends at school today that I feel so ALIVE emotionally.  And I know that I owe that to Him and Him alone. I would have never of made it through this valley without Him. Please don't get me wrong, I have my moments and miss my baby girl more than you could imagine.  I truly don't think there's even a minute that goes by that I don't think of her or want to talk about her.  Oh, I just love talking about her...what mama doesn't?

Have you ever heard that song called Mountain of God by Third Day? I heard it on the way home from work today and was reminded that we must go through valleys to stand on the mountain of God.  Often times we may feel like we lose our way and in turn end up feeling so alone and abandoned.  Our journey may seem daunting and the road may be difficult, but He's the One that has gone before and will help us carry on.

I remember sitting on my parents loveseat the night we found out about Grace's condition. I kept feeling her dance away inside of me and the more she moved, the more I fought to hold back my tears.  I kept my eyes fixed on the television so my family couldn't sense my emotional state.  As any good mama would, my mom sat across the room from me and could tell I was crying.  She motioned for me to leave the room and to join her in the family room on the opposite side of the house.  We both plopped down on the couch and she wrapped her arms around me.  We sat there initially without saying a word and just sobbed together.  She then took her hand and rubbed my tummy.  She looked at me and asked me what I was thinking about.  I explained to her that I had no idea how I was going to carry her all while feeling her move inside me and grow in size knowing the outcome.  I doubted the fact that I was going to be able to carry her at that point in time.  I was thinking solely about myself and not about the fact that a wonderfully created person was moving and growing inside of me.

My point in sharing this snap shot was that the road of carrying her was long knowing what her final outcome was.  Even though I had been praying hard for a miracle and knew at any point he could heal her, it still rocked my world.  However, He knew my pain and was well aware that I felt this way about her moving inside of me. He continuously provided me with perseverance and strength to overcome what I thought would be most challenging.  I literally went from sobbing on that night about her kicking to later rejoicing in the fact that she was still moving and was still with us.  Each and every movement in my tummy reminded me that life is short and we have a God that gives and takes away.  He showed me to appreciate EVERY moment I could spend with her while she was inside of me.  I would play Divine Romance and Like an Avalanche on my cell phone and lay it on my stomach every night.  My tummy would sway back and forth and always brought a huge smile to my face knowing she was there and how she danced away beautifully inside of me.

 He carried me through many situations that I would have imagined to be hard to walk through.  He continuously provided me with a new perceptive and way of thinking.  He taught me to fight hard just as though Grace did.  We have a God that is always with us and will continue to carry us through our deepest valleys. What an amazing Father we have!

"I’m ALIVE, even though a part of me has died.  You take my heart and breathe it back to life. I’ve fallen into Your arms open wide when the hurt and the healer collide" (MercyMe).

We love you Gracie!

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us (Hebrews 12:1).

Moving Mountains

I was a little apprehensive about going back to work today.  For one, I was feeling very overwhelmed with the amount of paper work I had to organize for other teachers to complete their "end of year filing."  At school, I am extremely organized and try to instill that skill in my students...that doesn't always work though, especially teaching middle school kiddos.  So, coming back to a room with paper work everywhere scared me a little bit.  I felt a lot of pressure on my shoulders even though my coworkers are amazing and would never be upset.  I also was nervous about how people would react to me after having lost Grace.  I know how it feels when you don't know exactly what to say to someone and the awkwardness that one may display or  how some people just try to avoid the conversation/interaction all together.  I would never want someone to feel "strange" or feel like they couldn't come talk to me because of my loss.

On my way to work this morning I was praying that He would be my stronghold today and that I could shine His light even during my suffering.  After I had finished praying, Laura Story's Mighty to Save came on the radio, one of my favorite songs. 

   

One verse that really seems to resonate with me the more and more I hear it is:

Savior, He can move the mountains

My God is mighty to save

He is mighty to save

God never ceases to amaze me, especially when I'm feeling stressed, overwhelmed, hurt, confused, angry etc. He knows my frustrations and He loves me no matter what.  I'd like to think God has a good sense of humor (he did create me) and smiles when I feel this way because he gets it.  He understands my heart and wants to help remove whatever I am feeling.

When I was carrying Grace I often felt very stressed out and overwhelmed with life.  There were times that my heart would race so fast that I thought I was going to pass out.  I was attending graduate school, the demands of teaching increased, and I was student-teaching in my classroom, but was being observed for my ESL teaching by my college professor. I remember vividly crying my entire way to school one morning  and felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I entered the school building looking like a total mess and still uncontrollably crying.  I ran up to Kara's (my "sister") classroom which is located right above my room.  She was sitting at her desk and looked up the moment I made my way through the door.  She saw my demeanor and her eyes began to swell with tears.  She asked what was wrong, ran over with open arms, embraced me, and instantly began praying. 

My doctor prescribed me an anti-depressant and thought my depression would increase after having Grace.  I really struggled with the decision on whether or not I should fill it.  I felt God would continue to carry me through this and He wouldn't abandoned me during this trail. Plus, she spelled my name as Jennifer Morris on the script.  As sassy as this sounds, I felt like if she didn't even know my name, how could she possibly know how I was feeling inside and that I have an AMAZING Father that would move my mountain.  

 I was in constant prayer and presented my concerns to our Lord. Through the obstacles I was facing, He never left my side and constantly reminded me that he would not leave nor forsake me (Hebrews 13:5).  We are all going to go through trails in our lives and have mountains to climb over.  The journey may seem long and we may not be able to see or get to the other side as quickly as we would like.  But with trusting in our Lord and Savior, He can get you to that other side.  He can move that mountain from your life if you are willing to trust in Him and to be obedient to His Word.  Our God is a Mighty God and can fill your life again if you are willing to surrender to Him.  He has moved mountains in my life and still is! Praise be to Him! 

Go, now, dear friends, and let Him move those mountains in your life!

 

Walking With The Lord

It is amazing how many things need to be discussed and put in order when a death occurs. And even though Paul and I don't have children yet, there are still others that surround us that could easily be burdened by "our things" when we pass.  I personally don't want my family and friends to have to worry about aligning all of that mumo jumbo.  Hearts can be heavy in a  time of mourning and unfortunately, decisions can be made that can draw a family apart. After having another death in the family, I am constantly reminded by how short and fragile life truly is.

This past week was very different having guests stay in our home.  Tonight is the first night I am able to sit in my bed and watch television by myself... it feels very odd.  My brother-in-law, sister-in-law, and niece stayed with us this past week while we planned and took care of funeral arrangements.  It was wonderful to get to know them on such a deeper level.  They live in Alabama and I've only spent time with them on two other occasions.  Their little girl, Allison, stole my heart.  She is such a peanut and so stinkin' cute.  I'm not going to lie, she constantly made me think of Grace, which was difficult.

One evening the five of us went on a walk to Cream City Custard.  While we were waiting for our order, Paul was sitting across from Allison in her stroller.  She was gabbing away and Paul was responding to her the way she talks and adding all sorts of funny expressions into his discussion with her.  I sat and watched.  It made me smile. He is a terrific daddy, even if his daughter can't experience his playfulness now.  Alli's leg slid up from the leg hole in her stroller and her tiny little foot waved in the air.  She took her foot and rubbed it on Paul's bracelet on his wrist.  Her toes wrapped around the band and she held on tight.  She grinned at Paul and I could just sense Paul's love for her. It was precious.  But, yet again..I couldn't help but think of Grace. 

Ever since Grace's birth, her tiny feet molds have been sitting on my buffet table in our dinning area.  The detail in these molds are wonderfully amazing.  You can see her little crevices, her toenails, the shape of each of her toes, and the arches in her foot.  Those were the same feet I could feel dance away on the right side of my tummy for a good two months. Still to this day, I can still feel those same feet inside of me.  I hope that feeling never goes away. 

Besides being absolutely beautiful,  her feet mean more to me than just that.  Her feet signify my walk with our Lord during this journey.  After hearing her diagnosis in December, God reminded me that this life isn't about me.  He fearfully and wonderfully created her and it was not our place to take her life. I can't say like some mamas that my heart and mind automatically said we are going to carry her (it bothers me to this day that I didn't think otherwise immediately).  Day after day God used people and resources to point me in the direction of carrying her until HE called her home.  I needed to be obedient and know His plan was far greater than I could comprehend.  I needed to trust in Him...no matter what.

I couldn't be more thankful for a deeper relationship with our Heavenly Father.  My walk with Him has grown leaps and bounds and He has and still is carrying me through one of the most difficult times in my life. Honestly, I don't know that my walk with Him would have grown so deep had it not been for Grace.  I truly feel like my world had to be rocked for a wake up call. In the midst of the heartache and pain, I am still growing closer to Him.  Walking with the Lord has never been more beautiful, just like my little sweet pea's feet.  

With that said, I am debating on getting a tattoo of Grace's foot on my foot to represent my walk with our Lord while carrying her.  What do you think?  =)

A Little Tighter

I have one week left on my maternity leave.  This time spent at home has just flown by.  I couldn't imagine what it would have been like if I were to have brought Grace home with us.  I probably would have blinked and I would have been back to teaching.

I'm actually really looking forward to going back to work (kids will be out for the summer, tear).  I truly miss my coworkers and have been so blessed by their love and support though our journey with Grace.  It's been amazing to see God working in so many people's lives there.  Individuals that never really seemed to have a faith, talking and living life as He would.  It makes me smile from ear to ear. 

Tomorrow I am going to surprise some of my kiddos from school at KOPP'S for their reward field trip.  The 6th and 7th graders were put to the challenge of reading 10 novels from February-May and they participated in a Battle of the Books competition.  Teachers came up to me stating how they had to tell my kids to put down their books in their classroom while they were teaching.  What a wonderful thing to be getting in trouble for, right?  I'm super excited to see them...I love my job!

Monday evening Paul went over to his grandma's house to meet with family members regarding the funeral/memorial service.  He called me around 8:30 pm informing me that he was going to spend the night.  My heart became heavy for someone reason and tears began to trickle from my eyes.  I wanted him home, sleeping next to me (shocking, yes I know) and across from Grace's aches.  He asked if I would bring over his toothbrush, a pillow, and a change of clothes for tomorrow.  Selfishly, I wanted not move from where I had been sitting.  I didn't want to come home to a house in the dark.  I didn't want to left alone.  But that isn't what marriage and a relationship are about.  It is not self-serving and I knew that I needed to disregard my interests in order to be there for my husband.

When I arrived, Paul greeted me by the door and invited me in.  His grandma rested on the sofa and watched a show on the television.  She looked so peaceful. Paul was anxious to show me pictures of his dad and took me back into his dad's bedroom.  We sat on his bed and looked through his dad's coin collection and Harley memorabilia.  After we were finished looking through it, he tucked it away nicely in his father's closet.  Paul took out a tub of pictures and we made our way to the kitchen for better lighting.

We smiled and laughed at the pictures of Paul when he was a little kid (he looked like such a little dickens).  The more pictures we looked at, the more Paul became emotional.  It had finally hit him.  His father was gone.  He became remorseful for the arguments they had, questioned where he was, and thought about how this would impact his grandma's life.  I just sat there and listened to him pour his heart out.  The more he talked, the more we both began to realize how fragile life is and how important it is to be surrounded by the ones you love.

Sitting across from him and the table, I grabbed a hold of his hand, looked him in the eyes, and began to cry.  I said to him, "I don't know what I'd do without you."  Through the heartache and pain of Grace's diagnosis and loosing her, our marriage has been changed.  We are slower to anger, more willing to serve each other, and to just be there for one another regardless of what the circumstance may be. 

I don't like death.  The pain hurts and the feeling of loss can be suffocating.  But, yet , through this journey, I'm finding that it can be very beautiful and glorious as well. Think of Jesus rising from the dead and sitting at the right hand of God the Father Almighty...isn't that a beautiful picture?  I see the change that is occurring in my life and I see the beauty in His plan.  I try not to fixate on the pain, but to the good that is coming out of such a difficult journey.

When the day is turning into night time, I carry Grace's wooden box back into our bedroom, hold her aches in my hand, and kiss her goodnight.  I grab onto her blanket that rests on the foot of our bed and lay it by my pillow.  I kiss my husband goodnight and take his hand.  I bring her blanket close to my heart and hold it and him a little tighter each night.

Because of these losses, I hold everyone closer to my heart than I had before.  I realized that I don't want to question who I will see in eternity.  Who are you willing to hold onto a little tighter to ensure their destination is eternity?  Be His eyes, ears, and feet.  Spread the good news of the Gospel. Because, believing in Him is the only way we are getting there!