Complete

I've been struggling these past couple days seeing an abundance of pregnant women and seeing newly born babies nestled in their parent's arms.  I miss carrying Grace, even with the backaches and the swollen hands and feet.  I'd give anything to have her back inside of me.  Look at how beautiful she was while I was carrying her at 29 weeks.

 

I want you to know that I am by no means jealous or bitter of these women and the blessings that God has bestowed on them, just hurting inside.  I thought I was to the stage where I'd be okay seeing other babies that were born right around the time of Grace.  I thought I'd be okay hearing them cry or watching their mamas feed them.

But I'm not..I'm not at all.  In fact, I spent most of my Sunday so tired because I couldn't sleep Saturday night after seeing three newly born babies.  Besides my knees bothering me, I thought about the glow that radiated from each of those mothers that night.  I sat and thought about how different my life would have been if Grace were physically with us and I wondered if I'd have that same glow.

I had an interesting conversation with Kara and my friend Kirsten that night about how we perceive ourselves differently than others see us.  People may not see that glow that new mamas have in me because I'm struggling with the loss of Grace, but I hope that people see a glow that portrays a love for Jesus Christ even in my suffering.

I started reading Paul's letter to the Philippians this morning and was awestruck.  The word tells us God promises to bring everything to completion.  While carrying Grace I prayed so hard for the Lord to perform a miracle - to make her whole and complete.  While reading verse 6 -"being confident of this, that he who began good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus," I pondered over that word complete.  Grace wasn't complete here on Earth - she was missing the top part of her skull and brain, but He made her still perfect in every way.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized that it doesn't mean He is going to make us complete here on Earth, right?  He makes us whole and complete in His presence.  I find comfort in the fact that He has made Grace complete with Him in heaven. What an image! In verses 12-14, Paul goes on to write about how he is in chains for Christ to advance the gospel.  And because of those of chains, brothers and sisters in the Lord have been encouraged to speak the word of God more courageously and fearlessly.  God blessed us ever so graciously with our sweet Grace and due to this blessing, I have never felt so called to share Him with the word as I was able to share her. 

I hope and pray my glow radiates His goodness and love for all His children. I want to be like Paul, and advance the gospel for His glory!  

I find hope in Him knowing one day I'll see her again, both of us complete and whole, worshiping our Creator - together, hand in hand! 


I thank God every time I remember you (Gracie).  Philippians 1:3