With Hope

Today marks Gracie's 8 months spent in heaven.  8 months seems like such a long time ago, but it feels like yesterday I was there in the hospital holding onto my baby girl.  Every time I think about the day I said hello to her, I think about how difficult it was to say goodbye.  To literally hand your daughter over to a complete stranger and watch her walk out of our room with my little girl...knowing that I would never, ever see her again on this side of heaven, crushes me to this day.  

I have to say that God and my family/friends have really helped me to turn my mourning into dancing this month.  Instead of being depressed several days leading up to the 18th, I've been rejoicing over all of the ways God used Grace's life to change me.  I truly feel like God used Grace's life to teach me more about stepping out in faith, leaning into His Word, and trusting in His will for my life.  Even though I am still grieving the loss of her, I'm trying to look at the good that came out of her life and not fixate on the hurt I experience.  It's hard though, especially when I miss her every second of every day. 

I fully believe that God is using my family and friends to support me and show their love for Grace and I when I need it most.  I was in tears this morning when I opened up my e-mail to find a message from my sister-in-law, Jamie, and my sweet friend, Erin.  Jamie sent me a picture of this beautiful dandelion tattoo.  She explained how she immediately thought of Grace and I when she came across it.  I believe that this was just what I needed to see since I've been so distraught over loosing Gracie's hand/foot prints...the prints that I wanted to use for my tattoo, if I ever man up.  I would love a tattoo similar to this to represent my little dandelion (Grace) spreading her seeds of hope.  

Jamie has such a beautiful heart and has truly shown such a love for her niece.  This past Christmas Jamie, my brother, Emily, and Owen gave Grace her very first Christmas present.  I thought I wrote a post about it, but I guess with the craziness of traveling to Alabama during the holiday season, I never got around to posting it.  Seeing a gift with Grace's name on it brought tears to my eyes...literally!  It was a very difficult holiday to celebrate knowing it would have been her first Christmas with us.  I was elated when Jamie placed the gift in my hand.  Not because it was a material object, but because Gracie was remembered!  The gift was written to Grace from Emily and so if Grace wasn't there to open it, I wanted her big cousin to help me.  Emily tore the paper off and I was in utter shock. I'm certain my mouth hung open. For starters, the wooden sign (below) was amazingly beautiful and will look perfect in a future nursery.  The part that I was most taken back by was the saying that was so wonderfully painted on.  There are a couple sayings that I like to say to Grace when I write letters to her.  Jamie's keen perception and attention to detail picked up on those phrases.  And so when I saw the those words written, I was in amazement.  They also purchased her a beautiful angel ornament with the words "Grace" written it.  Today, it sits next to her baby board, which is situated in our living room. We are so blessed by the Wagner's thoughtfulness!

Erin entitled her message, "God's grace." And she stated,  "'For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God ' Ephesians 2:8. God's grace has saved us so that we are promised eternal life with our savior, Jesus. God's amazing grace has given your sweet Grace eternal life. 8 month heaven birthday today. How beautiful. You're Gracie has touched my life- and so many others- more than you will ever know. I can't imagine how hard today is for you, but know that you and Gracie have changed the hearts of many. This world needs people like you- true examples of Christ's love." My heart melted into a million and one pieces. I'm so thankful for scripture to remind us all that this isn't our home.  By God's grace, and His grace alone, we have been saved and are able to live a life in His presence for an eternity.  It is a message like this that allows me to dry my eyes because I have the faith to believe that Grace is spending the rest of her life in heaven...surrounding the throne and praising the One that has made her whole.  It is a message like this reminds me that my little dandelion's seeds have spread far and wide.  And for that, I give thanks to our Lord. Erin never ceases to amaze me.  I don't know what I'd do without her!

I was also blown away by the message my mom sent me stating, "Thinking of you and our Gracie.  The 18th and a Friday."  My mom is my best friend, without a shadow of a doubt.  Among a couple other people, I felt she carried my pain and heartache the entire time I carried Grace.  We'd often joke around when I was pregnant because when my back hurt, so did hers.  When I was worn down and out for the count, so was she.  But as I did with many other people, I struggled to talk about Grace with her as it got closer to my due date and after I delivered her.  I thought it was just because she felt uncomfortable talking about a baby that wasn't going to live or someone that had already passed.  It's healing for me to talk about Grace and it bothered me that she never seemed interested.  What I didn't seem to do at the time was to stop and think about how she might be feeling.  She lost a granddaughter, and although I think the pain only hits home to me, I'm certain Grace's death affected her as well.  So it completely caught me off guard today when I received her message because she seldom talks about her, her anniversaries, or how difficult Fridays can be.  And she remembered all three today!  God, you are so good! 

Thank you, God, for all of the people you have placed in my life to help bring healing to my wounded soul!  I know I've only mentioned three names today, Lord, but there were many more individuals that I've failed to mention. And I want you to know that I am go grateful for their love and compassion that they pour onto me in time of need.  They continue to be examples of an unbelievable love that only comes from You.  Thank you for them and your unfailing love!  

 Another Friday...

Another month....

 I miss you, sweet girl! With hope, I will see you again. Mama loves you!

"With Hope"  Steven Curtis Chapman

This is not at all
How we thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We has so many dreams
But now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you

And we can cry with hope
We can say good-bye with hope
'Cause we know our good-bye is not the end
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father smile and say 'well done.'
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now your home
And now your free

[Chorus]

We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true

[Chorus]

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope

A Sweet Reminder

I opened the mailbox this evening to find this magazine nestled in with the other mail.  It just about took my breath away. A dandelion on the front page after I JUST wrote about it.

Seriously, what are the odds? 

I felt in an strange way this was a sign of some sort.  Perhaps it is a confirmation that her seeds are being blown far and wide.  I don't really know, but I am blown away. 

What a sweet, sweet reminder of my daughter today.

God, you are so good! Thank you!

Just To Let You Know...

Missing you, Gracie, every second of every minute of every day.

My Beautiful Dandelion

There are many things I can remember wishing for as I blew out the candles on my birthday cake or as I held a dandelion with a seeded head in my hand and watched all the seeds drift off into the distance. Some of those wishes included a hope for receiving material things, an A on a test, or that my latest pimple wouldn't over take my face.  Even at a ripe young age, I can remember wishes that included a hope that my dad's cancer would disappear, the cyst that showed up on my mother's mammogram wouldn't be taken seriously, or that my grandmother wouldn't lose faith in her Savior as she received word that she only had six months to live.  As I got older, I realized that those wishes that I once made weren't really wishes after all, but prayers.  Prayers for healing, for HOPE in something beyond my control. Hope in Jesus Christ. 

Shortly after we first received Grace's diagnosis, I created this blog to document the days of my pregnancy and to reflect on how God was moving and carrying us through our valley.  The words weren't there at the time, but I had everything selected (fonts, pictures, and sayings on my page) to begin my writing journey.  And even though all of these things were in place, I was grieving the loss of my daughter before I even had her and I couldn't articulate my feelings. As I was paging through all background designs, I wanted to pick one that reminded me of her and served a purpose.  And looking back,  I wish I wouldn't have changed it.  However, at the time, I selected this one below. 

If you can't see the picture clearly, it is a dandelion with it's seeds flying off into a world of the unknown. A dandelion is considered a weed in most people's eyes. They are these pesky little yellow weeds that take over beautiful lawns...at least that's what my dad always said as he was spraying them with weed killer in our yard.

As I began researching Anencephaly after her diagnosis, I was so crushed to read some of the statistics and comments that were made in regards to these beautiful souls.  Comments such as, "These babies are monsters, they don't deserve life, I don't know anyone that would want a baby like that."  I'm sorry, but the last time I checked, NONE OF US deserve life. We are the ones that should of been hanging on the cross for the fall of man..Not Jesus Christ!  Also, I'm sure no one ever woke up and said," I want a baby with their skull and a part of their brain missing."  These fathers and mothers were chosen, hand selected by the One that paid the price for OUR sins. I even saw on one website that there isn't a wealth of information regarding these babies because most abort directly after finding out the diagnosis.

And so, when I saw this background it made me think of Grace.  A baby that others may consider to be a weed...baby that people want to get rid of because she wasn't healthy.  But she was someone that I wanted and prayed for and I know she was made for much more than to be called a weed. 

Most people don't want dandelions in their yards because they often spread like crazy if they are not controlled. Several people will spray weed killer on them so the solution gets down to the root to kill it off.  Other people may just pull the weed up and hope the root system came along with it, killing it off so nothing comes back.  I feel like this is what people do when they are given a diagnosis such as Anencephaly.  They treat these babies like weeds and get rid of them when they are still in the womb. They don't fight for them or even give God a chance to perform a miracle.  Grace was someone that we prayed very hard for.  It wasn't that we prayed for her to be born with this condition.  But He entrusted us with someone so uniquely special.  Someone so special that He needed her to be home with Him far before we ever intended.  In the world's eyes she may be considered that "weed" that no one wants because she had "incompatible with life" stamped on her at 18 1/2 weeks in the womb...a weed that grows can be easily pulled up and gotten rid of.
That wasn't God's will for her life. We were chosen to be Grace's parents and with that, we were to embrace our daughter in whatever form she came.

Grace wasn't our weed.  She was our beautiful, yellow perennial flower called a dandelion; our gift from God.  We are so blessed!

The unique thing about a dandelion is that the head is made of hundreds of yellow ray flowers that resemble the sun. I love the connection behind the color and shape because I always told her she was my sunshine...  someone that always made my life a little brighter.  I still remember all the times I sang "You Are My Sunshine" to her in our living room and would belly laugh at all her movements while I sang off key.  Experts say "these babies" can't hear...I don't believe that for one second.

Overnight the yellow petals/flower heads can change into the familiar white globular seeded head.  Each tiny seed has a parachute to spread far and wide into the open wind.  The avid gardener may not enjoy the sight as much as the average person because those little seeds that blew into the open air, will land in the ground.  And when they land, the seed will begin the life cycle of the dandelion all over again.  This is the stage of the life cycle that reminds me of my childhood.  Grabbing a hold of the green stem, making a wish, and blowing the seeds long and hard...hoping that my wish will come true.  I'm not going to lie...I didn't grab a hold of one and make a wish that she would be cured.  I got on my knees, crying out to God to heal my baby.  And even though God didn't heal her in the womb, it doesn't mean that He doesn't hear and answer our prayers.  Our prayers were answered in many other ways.  It was in our lot to carry Grace and in His will that she would be called home shortly after her birth. And the beautiful part is...she's healed now.  Grace is in His presence.  She's made whole and complete - how perfect!

We had hoped for great things to come of her life.  We blew our dandelion (figuratively speaking) hoping God would use Grace far beyond our greatest imagination.  We hoped that her  life would make an impact on the people that came across her story or that have been touched by her in some way.  It's my hope that I can be her voice and advocate for the unborn.  It's my hope that we can share our testimony to the faithfulness of God during our deepest valley.  And by doing these things, it's my greatest hope that I'm able to bring glory to His name and His name alone.

I love you, my sweet dandelion!  May your life spread seeds of hope to all those that come across you...hope in our Lord and Savior! 

 

My hope is in you, Lord.  It is my prayer that I will continue to use Grace's story for your glory.  That I will never, ever take credit for the strength and courage it took to walk this path.  I know the best is yet to come... spending an eternity praising you...the One that breathed life into my dead bones.  Thank you for sending your One and Only Son to die for a wretched sinner like me.  I am so, so unworthy!  I pray Lord, that my sweet dandelion, Grace, is surrounding your throne..praising you, in ALL your glory!

Psalm 31:14

But I trust in you, O Lord; I say, "You are my God." My times are in your hands.

 

Psalm 37:3

Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret.

Psalm 42:11

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God.

Jealous Of The Angels

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBg9btpGqKU

Jealous Of The Angels

I didn't know today would be our last
Or that I'd have to say goodbye to you so fast
I'm so numb, I can't feel anymore
Prayin' you'd just walk back through that door
And tell me that I was only dreamin'
You're not really gone as long as I believe

There will be another angel
Around the throne tonight
Your love lives on inside of me,
And I will hold on tight
It's not my place to question,
Only God knows why
I'm just jealous of the angels
Around the throne tonight

You always made my troubles feel so small
And you were always there to catch me when I'd fall
In a world where heroes come and go
Well God just took the only one I know
So I'll hold you as close as I can
Longing for the day, when I see your face again
But until then

God must need another angel
Around the throne tonight
Your love lives on inside of me
And I will hold on tight
It's not my place to question
Only God knows why
I'm just jealous of the angels
Around the throne tonight

Singin' hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
I'm just jealous of the angels
Around the throne
Tonight 

Grace Annmarie,

Mama is missing you a lot today and your great grandma!  It's your great grandma's birthday today. I often wonder if you celebrate birthdays in heaven or do you celebrate the day you enter heaven's gates?  I'd like to think both, but perhaps the latter is more appropriate.  It's been a rough day emotionally.  I lost your foot and hand prints the nurses made for me to make copies of.  I was going to use the copy of your foot if I ever I was ever courageous enough to get a tattoo.  I'm so disappointed in myself for being so careless.  You see, when I made your cousin Emily her birthday gift, I used the copy of your beautiful feet and hands and taped them to a poem I wrote from you to her. I was in such a rush that I didn't walk the originals back to your chest.  I left them in the office to be swept away in a pile of papers.  And now, they are gone.  I've searched high and low and I'm coming up short...very short.  It makes me so upset!  I was sad and crying a lot. I still am crying!  Your daddy didn't get it.  I don't expect him to, but our conversations always end up in an argument.  He often thinks because he isn't "emotional" about you that I think he doesn't love you as much as I do.  That's not the case at all.  Men and women are just wired differently and the things of yours I  just hold very close to my heart.  Okay, so I maybe I hold everything of you and about you close to my heart.  He feels I love you more than him.  I just wish we didn't fight over you.  We want to make you proud of us.  It's so hard when this road isn't getting any easier on me.  

I'm also feeling down today because I didn't get to go to your great grandma's grave. I wonder if anyone in our family did?  It truly upsets me that I didn't make it a priority.  Since I helped out teaching at Saturday school, I was right by her grave too. I was fixated on getting your cousin's birthday gift and getting home to clean, that it didn't dawn on me until later.  Your great grandma was such a wonderful, God-fearing woman. She had the most tender and loving heart. It pained me to see her battle the cancer that was taking her life.  She was the first person I ever saw go through something like that...and I pray it's my last.  I'm looking forward to the day Jesus comes back and swallows all the sin up in this world.  Please give your great grandma a great big hug and kiss for me.  Tell her that she is so dearly missed by me...and us all.  

I'm jealous of you and all the heavenly angels surrounding the throne tonight.  I'm looking forward to the day when I'm called home... and I can join you at last.  

I love you, pretty girl!   

A Restored Relationship

It’s refreshing to be able to sit down and write for once.  I need to clear my mind and this is a great avenue to be able to accomplish that.  Our lives have been on a go, go mentality and I’m not all that fond of this running a mile a minute.  I still have my sewing machine sitting in my bedroom waiting to be opened and used. On Christmas Day, around 8:00 p.m., Paul and I ventured to Alabama to visit his brother and family.  His brother is being deployed to South Korea for a year in February, leaving his wife and daughter behind.  I couldn't imagine Paul leaving for a year.  I get really emotional when he's gone for a week at a Young Life camp for pete's sake. My heart aches for them. 

Since his brother's family came up and stayed with us during the time of their father's passing, a different bond was formed between the four of us.  Paul and his brother were never close growing up and to make matters worse, he enlisted in the Army right out of high school.  Scott (Paul's brother) was "never really around" and so neither of them really put any effort into their relationship.  Jenny and I never really got off on the right foot, which made for a difficult time getting to know each other.  To make matters worse, we had a complete falling out prior to her giving birth to their daughter, Allison, and communication was nonexistent.  I mean, literally, we didn't communicate until they were guests in our house in June.  I couldn't even imagine myself walking into their house after they cremated their daughter not even a month ago...I would have been beside myself.  Paul would've had to tranquilize me in order for me to step foot onto their property.  My husband kept reassuring me that they weren't staying because he knew how hurt I was, but kept saying that I would have to face her at some point during the week.  Within an hour of them arriving in Wisconsin, Paul received a phone call from his brother saying they didn't want to stay at their grandma's and that they were on their way over our house. I instantly began to sob. I was devastated that I grieving the loss of my baby and then so quickly I was to turn on a "happy face" and have people stay in my home.  Quite honestly, the not so Christ-like Jessica, didn't want them there.  My heart was so hardened.  

Before they walked through our door, Paul and I prayed together, and I sat in the bathroom crying out to Him myself.  I prayed for a restored relationship between the two of us, to soften my heart from the bitterness that built up, to relate to someone I knew nothing about, and for Him to be the center of our conversation.  I also knew that it would be hard seeing Allison, who was around 13 months at the time.  It wasn't just because we had just lost Grace, but because Allison is a constant reminder of the developmental stage of where our first baby we lost would have been...in fact they would have been a month apart!  

God's love for His children is amazing and I fully believe He hears and answers our prayers.  Within a matter of twenty minutes Jenn and I were on the floor playing with Allison and forgiving each other for our past actions and choice of words.  Later that evening we invited them into our lives by sharing our DVD of Grace's short life.  There were tears shed, but I think it allowed us all to be vulnerable. It was a great avenue for Paul and I to profess Christ's love and to show His faithfulness, peace, strength, and comfort that we were graciously blessed with through our dark time.  I thoroughly enjoyed every single moment I spent with them.  Thank you, God!

I could probably guarantee that if it weren't for the horrible death of the boy's father, that Jenn and I still wouldn't be speaking.  Sometimes an unexpected thing, like the passing of someone, can unite a family.  I fully believe that happened in this situation.  I'm so thankful  that God moved our hearts to forgive one another, to press on, and to grow a deeper relationship than what had existed.

After they left, we all continued to remain in close contact.  I thank God for them daily and pray we can continue to grow even closer. We were welcomed into their home for five days over my Christmas break and enjoyed spending so much together.  Jenny cooked us amazing meals, we played with our adorable niece, bonded over good conversation and movies,explored Fort Benning, met some of their friends, and went shopping in Columbus, GA.  And despite one rough afternoon/evening where I was sleep deprived and severely emotional by the way I handled the, "do you all have children" question, the trip was fabulous.  I continue to thank God for having a husband who is so sensitive to my emotional state when it comes to our sweet girl.  He knew I was very sad and was there for me as I rested in bed and balled my eyes out.  I hate feeling like I fail my daughter.  

Paul and I are blessed with wonderful family members, near and far.  We pray that one day, Paul's brother and family will move much closer to Wisconsin so that everyone can be blessed by their presence. Please keep the Gay family in your prayers as Scott deploys for South Korea in February. 

She Deserves Better

Every single time I get asked, "do you have children?" I stumble over my words.  Why? Should I even care about the feelings of the person asking the question when I don't know them?  Well...I do.  I can't help it.  I always hated being in a situation when my question may have been hard on the person. I don't want that for the  individual asking me.  But, it never fails.  I always give a response that's something like, "well, ugh, yes, ugh, but unfortunately, ugh, she's not with us."  My face gets red and I make the whole interaction unbelievably awkward.  Paul will often jump in to save me...or us, for that matter.  And if people are around us that know what happened, they are like deer in headlights after my response. 

Every single time this happens, I feel like fail her.  I feel like when I stumble, I am ashamed of what happened and not overjoyed by what God has blessed us with.  I feel like I deny her...my own daughter! And that is NOT what my intentions are. I just wish it were easier.  I just wish she were in my arms so I didn't have to constantly dance around this topic.  Oh Lord, will this ever get easier?

Another anen mommy from my support group gave me a suggestion of  framing the answer in a positive way so that others may see that I am proud to be her mama.  So, from now on I will say something like, "Yes, we had a little girl about ___ months ago. Unfortunately, she did not live very long and is now in heaven. But, we are so happy that we had some time with her and are proud to be her parents." And if they respond with a gasp and an "oh I'm soooooo sorry" (which is typical) I will say "That's okay. We feel very blessed by our little girl, and we saw a lot of good things happen because of her life."
 
I will make it a point to never EVER let this happen again.  I will not let a question shake me to the point where I cannot stop crying because I feel like I am a horrible mother to her. She deserves better...much better!

You are my sunshine, Gracie!  I can't wait til the day I get to see your beautiful face again.  Until then... XOXO

Merry Christmas

Thank you, God, for greatest gift of all...your one and only Son, Jesus Christ. 

I'm finding great joy, peace, strength, and love in the One that saved me from my all sins.  I am so unworthy of His forgiveness and unconditional love. 

Happy birthday, Jesus! 

Merry Christmas, dear family, friends, and visitors!

A beautiful gift given to me last Christmas from my mom's best friend.  Gracie was indeed a gift from God!

Merry Christmas, my darling daughter!  I thank Him every time I remember you! I love you a bushel and a peck! Xoxo

Her First Christmas In Heaven

Christmas In Heaven

'Tis Christmas in Heaven

What a beautiful sight!

It's my first one here;

Everything is all right.

I've met all our dear ones

Who preceded us here;

The reunion was lovely,

An event full of cheer.

And tonight we'll all gather,

In reverence we'll kneel,

For the Babe in the cradle

Up in Heaven is REAL.

I think of my family

that I left behind

And I pray that your Christmas

Is as blessed as mine.

Please shed no more tear,

For my soul is at rest,

Just love one another;

Live life to its best.

Yes, it's Christmas in Heaven,

So I've heard them say.

Yet, Christmas in Heaven

Happens every day.

Gracie,

   You're home baby girl...and I'm on my voyage there.  I wish it weren't this way.  I wish we were celebrating your very first Christmas here with us.  Life isn't fair and I'm learning to be okay with that.  I thought I was going to be just fine today because tonight is not about my hurting and missing you...it's about our Savior's glorious birth and the reason why He was sent here.  I don't want to overshadow that, but my heart aches.  I often wonder if you'd be pulling yourself up, what your smile would look like, or what your little voice would sound like.  I pray today, and always, that you are worshiping and praising the One that saved you from the wrath of hell. I know you are going to have an amazing Christmas celebration and I'm so happy for you!  I miss you, sweet girl! Merry Christmas! 

Love,

Mama

His Light Still Shines

It hasn’t felt right to blog since the tragedy that took place last week Friday.  My heart was really heavy for the grief, pain, and the hurt that the families of CT were experiencing.  My heart continues to break over and over again after I watch the news reports. Seeing every single one of those precious faces continues to bring me to tears.  These beautiful souls were called home far too early.  Jesus greeted way too many angels in eternity, but I believe it was the best welcome home that anyone could possibly receive.  I am trusting that those souls are in the arms of Jesus, their Savior, and are truly free from pain and suffering. 

Not to lessen what happened with our sweet Grace, but writing about my journey didn't seem appropriate.  My sweet baby died peacefully in the arms of her daddy, and it has brought me more pain then I could have imagined.  God continues to pour out one blessing after another, even when I am hurting, and that is something that I need to be more thankful for.  We live in a fallen world that desperately needs Jesus Christ.  What occurred was pure evil and it was done by someone that was living in darkness.  I’m sure many people question why God, someone that is supposed to be “good,” would allow something like this to happen. I fully believe God gave us a free will.  By having free will, the devil is able to easily enter and corrupt our thinking.  And even though most people will just see the darkness in this horrible tragedy, I have been blown away by His light that is shinning through. His light ALWAYS shines...even when great pain and suffering are occurring.  Is it just me or is there an outpouring of people willing and wanting to donate their time, their money, and their effort, in order to bring comfort to the people of Newtown? If we look, and we don't have to look very hard, we can see Him and His light...even in the midst of horrific violence.

 twas' 11 days before Christmas, around 9:38
when 20 beautiful children stormed through heaven's gate.
their smiles were contagious, their laughter filled the air.
they could hardly believe all the beauty they saw there.
they were filled with such joy, they didn't know what to say.

they remembered nothing of what had happened earlier that day.
"where are we?" asked a little girl, as quiet as a mouse.
"this is heaven." declared a small boy. "we're spending Christmas at God's house."
when what to their wondering eyes did appear,
but Jesus, their savior, the children gathered near.
He looked at them and smiled, and they smiled just the same.
then He opened His arms and He called them by name.
and in that moment was joy, that only heaven can bring
those children all flew into the arms of their King
and as they lingered in the warmth of His embrace,
one small girl turned and looked at Jesus' face.
and as if He could read all the questions she had
He gently whispered to her, "I'll take care of mom and dad."
then He looked down on earth, the world far below
He saw all of the hurt, the sorrow, and woe
then He closed His eyes and He outstretched His hand,
"Let My power and presence re-enter this land!"
"may this country be delivered from the hands of fools"
"I'm taking back my nation. I'm taking back my schools!"
then He and the children stood up without a sound.
"come now my children, let me show you around."
excitement filled the space, some skipped and some ran.
all displaying enthusiasm that only a small child can.
and i heard Him proclaim as He walked out of sight,
"in the midst of this darkness, I AM STILL THE LIGHT."

Written by Cameo Smith

Despite that the month of December has caused me great pain and sadness the past two years, I know that I have much to be thankful for.  You see, two years ago, on December 15th is when I miscarried our first baby.  I was 12 weeks along when I lost him/her, but Baby Morris (always wished we would have named him/her) had stopped growing at 6 weeks.  Some may say that our baby wasn't even a baby at that point, and the feeling of loss shouldn't be there...and I totally disagree.  We prayed so hard for that little being and feel in love with him/her well before we even knew we were pregnant.  Paul and I felt so blessed when my pregnancy test(s) read positive.  And even before one knows they are pregnant so much development is taking place that it is mind boggling.  We didn't know this at the time, but before a woman even knows she is  pregnant is when the neural tube closes for the formation of the skull and brain.  How is that NOT a baby?  Going through something as painful (both physically and emotionally) as that scarred the month of December for me.  Looking back though, I saw His light shining brightly.  My mom was out of town on business, but my dad rushed to the hospital after Paul informed him that I passed out from the amount of blood I lost.  Both the male loves of my life stayed by my side the entire time in the hospital.  My dad was there until I was discharged at 4:00am and had to be up for work at 6:00am. On the way home, Praise You in This Storm by Casting Crowns played and I wept the whole way home. Ironically enough, my mom wasn't aware that any of this occurred.  When my dad told her and she was ready to board her plane, the same exact song played. Godincidence? I think so! The outpouring of support from my family and friends allowed me to see His love.  He allowed me to see how precious life was and what I had to be thankful for.    

Fast forward another year...we are 18 1/2 weeks into our pregnancy and looking forward to the antonym scan of our blessing from above.  The 15th of December rolled around and I remember being in tears and on the phone with my mom that evening.  I was emotional from what I experienced the previous year, but I was experiencing ligament pain from Grace growing.  I felt as though I was cramping and that I was going to miscarry her.  She reassured me everything was going to be okay and hung up the phone.  Apparently both her and my dad were concerned to some degree because they both jumped on the computer to see what was happening.  Ten minutes later, a call from Dr. Dad and Dr. Mom confirmed the cramping on my right side was ligament pain from the growing baby inside.  And within a matter of a week from that scare, we found out that Grace had Anencephaly.  My world came crashing down... yet again.  December 22nd,2011 will always be a date that I remember as long as I live.  I will remember that day because it was a day that I was put in the hot seat...where my my faith and trust in my great Savior was tested.  It was that day and the days following that the His light came through the darkness that clouded my vision.  He used Paul to be so gentle to my feelings, but allowed His truth to be poured out of his lips.  He drove my mom to dig deep into the Word and to use scripture to shape her thinking, he used my principal to convict the evilness inside, he used the internet to show the relativity of what an abortion looks like, and he used my other family members and friends to be a beckon of hope, support, and love.  

As this December approached, I prayed that the feeling of loss wouldn't be all consuming.  I had a birthday to celebrate on the 18th and the idea of celebrating it struck a different chord this year.  I wanted to rejoice in the gift of life and appreciate each and every breath I have been given, despite a rough year.  In a world where there is so much evil, darkness, and loss, I consider each year to be a gift and a blessing. I've learned a lot this year about myself and who I aspire to be some day.  I've learned to love unconditionally because we don't know when our time is up...to appreciate the moment, because I'll never get it back...to open up in order break down walls so that others may help counsel me.  I've been so weak and hopeless in my heartache that it's been a blessing to see my husband lift me up through his prayer, words, and actions...it's been more than humbling.  I've learned how precious each and everyone of my family members and friendships are.  Seeing them care and support me when I felt like giving up on life gave me hope.  Having them mourn with me while carrying my burden allowed me to see the bond that truly existed.

Twenty-seven, you were indeed good to me.  Thank you, God!

I Will Carry You

One year ago today, December 22nd, 2011 at 10:00, the words "incompatible with life" changed me forever...  I remember the day as though it was yesterday.  I felt like I was literally on top of the world and nothing could stop me.  I'm thankful for the reality check, because it has sure brought me to my knees...many times!   

That day began with a lovely breakfast with the three of us at a local diner.  Paul and I sat and discussed our future together with our little blessing in the picture.  We talked about how we were going to tackle remodeling our bathroom right away and how we were looking forward to getting the nursery in order throughout the next couple months.  As we walked into my OB office, we were greeted by the nicest receptionist EVER.  Besides the fact she knew it was the anatomy scan of our baby, she knew and attended church with many of the families that attend to the same school I work at.  I sat on the edge of my seat as I waited for my name to be called.  Paul could see the excitement bursting in my eyes.  He on the other hand looked scared out of his mind.  When my name was called, I bounced out of my seat and followed the tech into a very dark room...a room in which I don't ever know if I could bring myself to enter again.  All I remember from the past two times being in there are pure hurt and heartache.

As the tech began to poke and prod to get the images of our little girl in my womb, I was awestruck by her beauty, even at 18 weeks gestation.  Before we even knew Gracie wasn't going to be with us for very long, this picture came up.

The ultrasound tech said, "Look here.  Her hands are crossed."  Instantly, I responded, "She's praying." Paul and I looked at each other and smiled. It was after that image when the tech approached her head.  She sat there and didn't have much to say.  She continued to poke so hard at my tummy that it was beating red and it felt like she was hurting Grace.  My protectiveness kicked into overdrive.  It was then that she said, "I can't get an image of her head. I need her to move away from where she is and she won't."  We joked that she already had her mommy and daddy's stubborn nature. She allowed me to empty my bladder and continued to move me in all different positions.  When she still didn't get an image, she excused herself and met with the doctor.  I looked at Paul and we both knew something wasn't right.  It felt like we waited for hours before my doctor entered the room, when in reality it was only minutes. 

I try to put myself in my doctor's shoes every time I think back to this day.  I can't even imagine how hard it must be to have to tell a family that their baby is not going to make it...to crush their hopes and dreams for their future with this child.  The strength that the Lord provides these doctors is truly amazing.  I imagine that is why my doctor looked the way she did that day.  I'm sure she struggled to find the words to be sensitive, yet informative.  It isn't easy watching someone break into tears and both Paul and I sat there and wept, uncontrollably.  We hugged each other and were in sheer disbelief.  This couldn't possibly be happening to us.  I thought this was just a bad dream and I was ready to wake up. 

I was forever changed after we had our second, more high tech ultrasound that day.  The ultrasound confirmed it and the diagnosis was the same.  It was concluded our little girl had Anencephaly.  I have never heard of Anencephaly before that day and wasn't given any information on it from either of the doctors.  Therefore, I really didn't know how to explain it to my dad when we arrived to my parent's home that afternoon.  All I remember is walking into the house with my dad over the counter making Chex Mix for Christmas.  The moment he looked up and our eyes met, he knew something was wrong.  "No, no, no.  What's wrong?"  he questioned. I ran into his arms and cried... and cried some more.  "She's not going to live,"  is all I could spit out.  He held me close and tears continued to pour out of both of our eyes.

And so our journey with Grace Annmarie Morris began...

Shortly after we received her diagnosis, I received an e-mail from my principal at school.  As I believe God does in all situations, He uses people to shine His light in the dark times.  I am so thankful that he clung to the Word and spoke truth into every line he wrote.  My vision was so clouded during that time and I was so thankful for such a well versed message. Here is what my principal wrote:

"I am impressed and encouraged with your concerns and priorities, even in the midst of great grief and emotional distress. Through these, and other situations of end-of-life care we have experienced in our family, I believe it would be personally very difficult for you in both the short and long run to make a decision that would actively end your baby's life before the Lord chooses to take her. Unless there is a significant threat to your own health, I think we would say it would be wrong.  I would meditate on Psalm 139:13-18 and realize that her days are in His hands and He knows exactly how many there are to be. 

We are given privileges and responsibilities that are very difficult at times, but my recommendation is to take things day-by-day, deal with any medical issues as they come, especially as it impacts your health. You guys have a daughter right now (does she have name yet?), and we all know that the relationship between mom and baby starts way before birth. Allow yourself the tears that come, but also marvel at the incredible love and compassion our Father has for His children (whatever their condition) and the opportunity you have to give this baby the days that God has for her in her limited life.

I want to offer any help we can. This response may sound pretty cold, I guess, but our hearts ache for you and we will continue to keep you in our prayers. If you have any questions about our experiences, or would even like to get together, feel free to let us know.

Keep seeking and praising the Lord. Remember that death is a result of sin and will soon be swallowed up in His great day (Isaiah 25:6-9)."

After this e-mail was written, I began reading I Will Carry You, by Angie Smith.  She too was given an"incompatible with life" diagnosis with her daughter Audrey.  When she tells her story, more eloquently written than mine, she explains that she told her doctor while sitting in the ultrasound room, "I think my Jesus is the same as He was before I walked through that door."  That little line on page 16 impacted me so profoundly after I read her story.  No matter what news we would have heard that day, the One who knit her together and created her innermost being is and will always be the same...no matter what trail we face.  Higher than any mountain that I may ever face, stronger than the power of the grave, constant through the trail and the change, there's always one thing that remains..His love NEVER fails, it NEVER gives up, and it NEVER runs out on me!

I was reminded through this journey that our amazing Creator doesn't give up on me...and therefore, if my ultimate goal in life is to live a life more like Him, I wanted to follow in His footsteps with Grace. He'd never give up on her!  Here are two (there are many more) verses that demonstrate what the Word of God says about life:

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 

 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well. 

 My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be. Psalm 139 13-16

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
    before you were born I set you apart;
    I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.  Jeremiah 1:5 

My sweet Grace,

Today was the day, one year ago, that I met you in my womb.  I remember you having hiccups and giggling as we watched you on the monitor.   Today was also the day we found out that you weren't going to be with us for very long.  You were worth every tear shed that day and the days following.  You're daddy, God, and I loved you  long before we even knew you. If I had the chance, I'd carry you all over again...in a heartbeat!  Your little life has taught me so such about unconditional love, selflessness, obedience, appreciation for things, and acceptance....and I am forever grateful for those things and many others.  I have shed many tears today as I sit here writing.  I miss you my sweet angel.  I miss everything about the experience of carrying you and holding you in my arms. I would give anything for you to be here.  And even though I can't physically carry you in my tummy, I will carry your memory with me for an eternity. I pray little one, that you know my love continues to run deep and that you are our greatest blessing.  May you know today and always that I am proud to call you my daughter.  Mommy loves you, sugar bug!  

I Will Carry You - Selah

There were photographs i wanted to take
Things i wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that i am brave but i`m not
Truth is i`m barely hanging on
But there`s a greater story
Written long before me
Because he loves you like this

So i will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
 All this madness
But i know
That the silence
Has brought me to his voice
And he says

I`ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you

An Appology

As I sit down to write tonight, my heart is heavy. My readers span well across the country and I receive  roughly 200 blog views a day.  Some of those viewers are my very own family members and my dear friends.  I sat tonight and read several of my blog posts and felt disgusted with the words that covered my screen and I am sorry that my wide variety of readers may view me as ungrateful and unappreciative.  I am imperfect and my words are imperfect as well. 

I often lay my heart out on the line for people to truly understand how I'm feeling.  Through which, I hope that my feelings and experience with Grace only brings glory to His name. Sometimes I re-read what I wrote and realize that my words did not come across as I had hoped.  As I read my several of my latest postings, I got the feeling that others may view my words as being ungrateful for the gift of prayer.  I often write about how others have blessed me with physical reminders that my sweet girl is not forgotten. However, I seem to brush over how thankful I am for the gift of prayer support that has drastically helped Paul and I walk through this entire journey.

I want to clarify  from my last posting that I don't expect anyone to do anything...not even pray for us.  But when you do, you warm our hearts.  Yes...I am speaking for Paul because we talk about your prayers ALL the time. We don't need to know your praying.  That is between you and God.  I can tell you one thing, however...I know our faithful Creator has heard those prayers and has blessed us with unbelievable strength and peace to make it day in and day out.  Several people shared with us that they had their bible study groups praying, their bible study groups had home groups praying, and those home groups shared our story with individuals across the United States.  I had my friends grandparents, parents, brothers, and sisters sending us cards telling us they were praying and it meant more to us than any physical object.  Because you know what?  I fully believe with my WHOLE heart that God heard those prayers and answered them.  For those of you that weren't present in the labor and delivery room the day Gracie was born, you'd be in awe how much strength and power He blessed me with that day.  I was so content just to have my baby that grew inside of my for nine months just to rest in my arms.  The time she and I spent together alone in our  postpartum room was the most peaceful experience I can remember having and I fully attribute that to the overwhelming amount of prayer warriors. 

I'm sorry if I hurt or discounted the gift of YOUR prayers.  That was NEVER my intention and hope you can accept my sincere apology if you were ever hurt by my words written.  I want to thank you, from the bottom of my heart for blessing us with your prayers.  For I believe, the gift of prayer if the best gift of all. 

God bless you all...each and every one of you! 

With Love,
Jessica

When I Least Expect It

It wasn't that long ago that Paul and I traveled to Mama D's to grab a cup of coffee and to chat about Paul's new business adventure with Jake.  Paul and Jake have been friends for years even though Jake is my age, which is five years younger than Paul.  Paul was Jake's Young Life leader back in high school and through which, a bond was formed.  Jake is very much like a brother to me.  I can say whole-hardheartedly that I love him like a brother too.  He's someone that you can just sit and talk to for hours on end.  He truly listens to my crazy stories I tell him.  I know this because he always follows up with challenging questions that make me think outside the box.  He is very much like Paul in the sense that he challenges my thinking process and allows me to grow into someone I never thought I'd be. Gotta love boys like that!

While Paul stepped away to talk to the Mama D herself, Jake and I got talking about the book that was dangling from my purse entitled, The Shack. I heard of this book through a baby loss webpage.  The ladies that read it explained how their husbands read and loved it.  Father's Day was right around the corner and so my intention was to get it for Paul.  Well, it never made it as his gift because Grace's hand prints that said "I love you this much" made his gift (and my dad's) so much more special.  At any rate, I simply could not put the book down and was telling Jake how much I enjoyed it.  Much to my surprise, Jake had read the entire book himself.  Since I had not finished the book, Jake reveled to me that the book had much to do with the concept of expectations.  Seeing as though I was struggling with this through my entire pregnancy, my ears shot up like a little dog.  He explained to me that when we set people up to meet a certain expectation in our life, we end up disappointed if they don't rise to the occasion.  Ultimately, we get down on them and start thinking irrational things about who they are as an individual and of the relationship we may have with that person.  He followed up by saying that we need to eliminate expectations focus more on expectancy in our relationships.   We should be living out truly loving relationships instead of trying to fulfill the expectations of man, or placing expectations on others.  I found this quote from page 206 to be extremely helpful when I was trying to piece together the valuable lesson Jake was teaching me:

 "If you and I are friends, there is an expectancy that exists within our friendship. 

When we see each other or are apart, there is expectancy of being together, of laughing and talking. 

That expectancy has no concrete definition; it is alive and dynamic and everything that emerges from our being together is a unique gift shared by no one else. 

But what happens if I change that ‘expectancy’ to an ‘expectation’ -- spoken or unspoken?

 Suddenly, law has entered into our relationship. 

You are now expected to perform in a way that meets my expectations. Our living friendship rapidly deteriorates into a dead thing with rules and requirements. It is no longer about you and me, but about what friends are supposed to do, or responsibilities of a good friend."

I learned that I had placed expectations of certain individuals and in turn, made my heart really bitter and I pushed myself away from them.  Allow me to be vulnerable for a little bit, but I often thought, My gosh, she has children... can't she understand how I am feeling? I can't believe they don't even care about how I'm doing.  Can't they just text me or pick up the phone and dial my number? I was there for them when they walked through their valley. Why aren't they they for me?  I'm sorry if  my thoughts seemed really selfish, but I expected those people to behave in a certain way and they fell short every.single.time.  After this conversation with Jake, I realized what I did, and I immediately sought forgiveness.  I truly learned not to place expectations on others and I understand how detrimental that was to the relationship that existed.  I now try to live by expectancy and not place certain rules or expect people to perform a in a way that merits my approval.  And you know what?  I've been finding that when those rules and performance measures are erased, God works in remarkable ways.  Let me explain...

It's been a fear of mine that people will forget my little girl.  A fear that people think that Jessica's baby girl is dead and so is her memory.  And while that may be true for some, I want so badly for her to live on in the hearts and souls of all of those who have been touched by her life.  When my guard comes down and my expectations are turned into expectancy, I am beyond blessed.  On Friday morning I received the sweetest message from my friend Erin saying, "I think of you and Grace every Friday. Sending love your way."  I didn't expect a message like that from her, but let me tell you, if left me in tears.  Or when I get messages from my sister-in-law, Jamie, telling me stories about Emily and how the every time they hear Molly talk in Bubble Guppies, they wonder what Grace's voice would have sounded like.  The sweet messages I receive on Facebook from people telling me how our story has touched their lives, how they are praying for us, or remember her heavenly anniversary.  Or when I receive a CD and a picture book from a friend of a friend, Katelyn (who's become my friend) in the mail. I didn't place these expectations on them, but they blessed me beyond measure.   

Today was one of those days when I least expected to receive something like I did.  When I walked in the house, Paul shouts, "Michelle sent you a package."  I responded back as I took off my coat, "What the heck could she possibly be sending me?"  As I opened the card and read the words so beautifully written on the card (the words, not her handwriting..ha ha, Michelle) my eyes filled with tears and my heart filled with both love and joy.  The card read, "Hey girlfriend - You're on my heart...and in my prayers."  And among the many beautiful things she wrote, the line that most stuck out was, "I am always thinking about you and Paulie.  You guys are in my daily prayers and I think of Gracie often."  Along with the wonderful card, she sent a book called, The Christmas Box.  She stated that the book has inspired statues like the picture of the one she sent me and hopes the book will provide me with love and peace. I am looking forward to jumping into my warm bed and to end my night reading this and spending time God. 

This, again, goes to show me that I can't place expectations on my relationships.  If you are finding that you have a tendency to do this, you're not alone.  But I challenge you to allow God to help you remove those expectations from your life.  I know that when I turn to Him to explain my feelings or express my thoughts about the person I felt hurt by, my heart doesn't begin to harden and the relationship remains centered on expectancy.  I am so thankful God used Jake to open my eyes to this idea and to understand how crucial this concept can be with all the relationships (even the most important one I have...the one with Christ) I have.  

Thank you to all the gentle souls that remind me, when I'm least expecting it, that my little girl's memory still lives on.  You bless me on a daily basis by your prayers, even if your actions are not outwardly visible.  I appreciate your prayers more than you will ever know.  We have an awesome God and I'm so blessed by the love and support we have been given throughout our journey.

Thank you God, for blessing me with such selfless individuals.  I am humbled by their love on a daily basis. 

The Palm of His Hand

It's been nearly two weeks that this picture has sat on my computer without writing about it.  Shame on me! The Friday that I was home sick, I received a message from my friend, Michelle. She had taken her dog for a walk and went by the statue where she had placed flowers for Grace's 6 month heavenly anniversary.  When she walked passed, she noticed that a rose was placed in one of the angel's hands.  She sent me the picture to show me what had been done.

The moment I saw this picture, I thought to myself,  He's got her and us in the palm of His hand...never, ever letting go!  It's amazing to travel through a trial in my own life and to see every. single. part radiate God's goodness.  He held me ever so tightly and reassured me on a daily basis that He wouldn't let me fall.  I felt it...wholeheartedly.  I felt His strength, His power, His love, and His peace every second of every day.  I still do to this day. If I feel this amount of love from our Lord here on Earth, I can't imagine what love will be like in the greatest place of all...heaven.  My girl is there.  I know in my heart she is. And I have the faith to believe it's true.  I'm so thankful that she has been blessed with the greatest and most perfect love of all...the love from her Heavenly Father.  My love would never compare...not even a little bit.

Loving you from here, pretty girl! <3 Mama

Christmas Memories

The funeral home where Grace was cremated hosted a beautiful Christmas Memories service yesterday to remember those that have gone before us this year.  The service was held at Our Redeemer church which was located next door to the funeral home.  Ironically enough, my grandmother frequented that same church when she was alive.  The church was built in between her apartment building and the funeral home. She would attend that church when she couldn't make the trip to her home church because of the weather.  It is such a stunning church!  About seven years ago, my parents, aunt, and I attended the exact same service to remember the life of my wonderful grandmother...a women who had the most beautiful, compassionate, and caring heart.  I thought about her a lot yesterday as well, especially when singing Silent Night.  I remember the last Christmas Eve service she attended with us and she sat right next to me in the pew.  As we were singing the song, she was so off key that it made me smile and realize that I'd never get to hear her sing Silent Night ever again.  Needless to say, I was a complete mess at the end.  I think of her every time I hear/sing the melody  She is so dearly missed by us all! 

Paul and I were beyond blessed to have my entire family (parents, aunt Linda, brother & wife, nieces, and nephew) join us for this special service.  It reminded me of the day that she was born and it literally brought me to tears.  The same people who were there to support us the day she arrived and passed were there to remember those two hours we were graced with.  My nieces and nephew were also able to join us at the service, even though they were never able to meet their little cousin.  My heart was filled with so much joy.  My other brother Matt and his wife Jamie were unable to attend because she had to work and he had to stay home with his two year old son.  Much to my surprise, Emily (my brother's daughter and Grace's cousin who adores her) walked in with my parents.  It was so nice to have her there to represent their family.  I imagine our sweet Grace smiling down as she watched us all sitting together in the pew and listening to the story of our Savior's beautiful birth.


Prior to the service, my sister-in-law handed me a lovely wrapped gift.  I waited to open it until we sat down.  I was holding it together pretty well until I actually opened it.  When I pulled the gift out of it's bag, I instantly saw Grace's name engraved with two little baby feet on a beautiful metal angel with the year 2012 dangling from the top.  So many emotions surfaced and I couldn't control the tears.  I did everything I possible could from not shedding a tear, but they were meant to pour.

Seeing those little feet on that ornament brought me back to my pregnancy and her birth. Among the many things that I adored about Grace's body, her little hands and feet were so precious and absolutely perfect.  Once Grace was large enough in my womb, I was always able to feel her little feet dancing away and her hands always brushed the lower part of my stomach. That feeling was something that always made me smile when I was feeling down during my pregnancy.  It was a reminder that she was still with me and that I had so much to be thankful during the hardest time of my life.  I also wrote about her feet in a post titled Walking With The Lord. Here I expressed how her feet represented my walk with the Lord through our journey with her.  The valley in my life allowed my walk with Jesus Christ to deepen and grow two-fold. 

Seeing her name engraved on the ornament made me think about all the times I felt she never existed in this world.  I know the topic of loss is very difficult for people and I understand some don't know what to say or do.  I often feel like my whole pregnancy and her birth were a figment of everyone's imagination.  Her name is never mentioned...unless it's by a little 6 year old that loves to draw her cousin pictures and write her name or on her heavenly anniversaries.  I get that talking about a dead baby is awkward, but I often feel like because of that, she never existed in their minds.  I especially felt that way throughout my entire pregnancy with my one brother and sister-in-law. They never seemed to ask me how I was doing or acted as though they cared about my trail.  My feelings were terribly hurt and my heart really began to harden. I asked so many people to join me in prayer asked the Lord to soften my heart. Yesterday I realized that the devil had a good grip on me. When I saw her name, it made me realize that she wasn't forgotten by them, they did care, and that God does hear and answer prayers.  I continue to look at the beautiful ornament hanging from the tree and am reminded of God's grace and mercy He has given us.  I picture Grace with the angels surrounding the throne, worshiping the One that created us all with such purpose.  I'm so thankful for this wonderfully thoughtful gift that I am able to hang on my tree year after year.  I pray that I continue to remember all of the wonderful things that this ornament represents to me.

Besides my family being there on the day of her birth, I have never felt as loved as I did yesterday.  I was so thankful for them to take time away from their busy schedules to join Paul and I as we celebrated the life of our little girl and our Savior.  I'm sure most of them attended to support the two of us in our journey, but it made me so happy to know that they were there for Grace as well.  They will never get to attend any recitals, sporting events, graduations, or her wedding day...but they were there for this and I felt like they were there to cheer her on as they would have for any other event.  It made me realize how much I value each one of them in my life and appreciate their presence. I have the best family...hands down!  They are truly loved by the three of us! 

God is so good!