Cousin Love

For Gracie - From her loving cousin, Emily

Do you see that precious little girl in the background of my picture frame?  The little peanut in Paul's arms on our wedding day is Gracie's sweet cousin, Emily.  The words engraved on the frame says, "The Ones You Love."  What a perfect frame to describe how I feel about those two! The smile that radiates off both their faces warms my heart!

Emily is the second youngest niece/nephew I have on my side of the family.  Out of all the other kids, Emily has had the most compassionate heart for her cousin.  When I was pregnant with Grace and my family would get together, Emily would always run up to me, say hello to her cousin, and give her a hug before she did anything else.  I will never forget her sweet smile and her gentle touch.  My five (soon to be six) year old  niece made Grace feel the most apart of our family and she embraced her with open arms.  It broke my heart that the one person who probably wanted to see Grace the most, couldn't see her on her birthday.  But I know my Grace had to of felt Emily's tender love the entire time she was inside me!

One Sunday in April, Paul and I had joined my brother and his two children (Emily and Owen) over at my parents house for dinner.  It was unlike most Sunday's because my sister-in-law was working and my other brother and his family had decided not to join us.  We sat in the living room playing with the kids and chatted with one another.  After playing on the floor, I got up and commented on my swelling feet. They sure were an interesting sight to see. Our receptive Emily, went into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of lotion and began to give me a foot message!  Bless her heart, she smiled the entire time. After she was done, I took some lotion and rubbed it on my tummy.  Emily decided that she wanted help me out and began gently rubbing the lotion.  In the process, her little nail scratched me a bit and I showed her how her scratch made a letter with the lotion.  So, she added more lotion to my stomach and began writing Grace's name and used my  belly button to draw a heart. <3 I think she just about used my mom's entire bottle of lotion because she continued to play with Grace for a very long time.  It melted my heart when Grace would move and Emily felt her.  Emily's expression on her face is forever etched in my soul.

After State Fair one evening, my brother and his family stopped over to pick up their car.  I invited them in and immediately Emily began noticing all of the things I have put up in memory of Grace.  She walked into my bedroom and said, "Auntie Jessie, you have Grace's blanket (her quilt Kara made) on your bed."  It completely shocked me that she knew that because I only showed it to people at the hospital... and Emily wasn't there.  We made our way upstairs and I showed her the large bin of everything I've ever received associated to Grace.  I even have my positive pregnancy test with Grace's name written on it in green permanent marker! I am THAT sentimental.  Emily was mesmerized by everything in the bin and continued to ask questions and dig through Grace's things.  My brother and sister-in-law literally had to pry her away from it.

Emily is wise beyond her age.  She gets what to say/do to a "loss mama" even though she's going only on six and doesn't understand what exactly she's doing.  She talks about Grace, inquires about her, draws her pictures, gets her teddy bears, and doesn't hold back her thoughts.  And boy, do I love that about her!  Emily is one person who shows this world that Grace is real and she doesn't tip toe around my feelings.  I'm sure she probably doesn't even think twice about that because she loves her cousin, and that's all that matters.

I consider myself blessed to have been given this opportunity to bond with her through this experience, even if it came at the expense of loosing my little girl.  She has taught me more about loving someone in the past couple of months than I have learned my entire life. She truly is a gift from God and I feel so honored to be called her Auntie.  If you ever get the chance to meet this little peanut, you'd fully understand how blessed I am.  She is spunky, comical, tenderhearted, and the best dressed little diva around.

And guess what?  I'm super excited because Paul and I get to have a slumber party with her at our house this weekend!!! =) 

Lovin' on our beautiful Em!

Letting Go

I'm scared...dare I say that?

I feel like when I truly admit how I'm feeling, I get the tsk tsk, you're not giving it to God response. And I get that, because I've been on the receiving end of people pouring out their hearts to me. The neat thing about a blog is that I can just pour my heart and soul out without "hearing" your perspective.  My blog, in some fashion, is helping me with my grieving. Writing this way allows me to rationalize how I'm thinking/feeling without someone trying to "fix" my situation (as if you can really fix the death of my Gracie). 

Over the last month or so I've been struggling with what the next chapter in our lives may be.  I have that fear of "what if" beginning to settle into my thinking.  I know that fear only comes from one place directly...the devil.

After I miscarried in 2010, the fear of loss was suffocating.  I remember very vividly sitting in my friend Kara's car on a chilly day last October.  I sat there with tears in my eyes and explained to her that I was pregnant again.  The tears that surfaced that day weren't tears of joy, they were tears of fear.  At ten weeks pregnant, I saw my little miracle growing in size, but I felt God telling me to guard my heart.  I knew something just wasn't right and tried to explain my feelings to her. Besides wondering if I was going to find blood every time I went to the restroom, I feared that something was drastically wrong with my pregnancy.

After we found out about Grace's diagnosis that fear of "what if" wouldn't escape me. I worried if she'd pass in utero, if she'd be alive to take her home, if I'd build up to much fluid and cause me to go into pre-term labor etc.  The list of fears started to became endless. 

I'm scared of this "what if" fear that is surfacing.  I want to enjoy what is "supposed to be" one of the happiest times of my life.  But I feel that my heart has been so crushed, and as a result, has been very guarded.  After talking to a couple of friends that have suffered losses through miscarriage, they too are so cautious and have that "what if" fear lurking in the back of their minds.  It bothers me that some women who truly would like to be entrusted with children, go through so much heartache. Just know I'm praying for those of you that I speak of!    


I'm truly sick of wallowing in fear.  I'm tired, beat down, and ready to surrender. If I let these fears get the best of me and I let them consume my thinking, I'll miss the blessings that are right in front of my eyes.  After reading What Women Fear by Angie Smith, I'm reminded by the story of Hagar, Sarah, and Abraham from the Bible.  Sarah urged her husband, Abraham, to conceive a child with the maidservant Hagar because she wasn't able to become pregnant.  Sarah wanted to keep her husbands legacy alive even though God had given Abraham a promise that didn't include Hagar.  However, Sarah's plans didn't go the way she had anticipated.  She became pregnant with a child named Isaac and in turn became extremely jealous of Hagar since she bore her husband's first son.  During a feast for Isaac, Sarah's jealously got the best of her and she tells Abraham it's time for Hagar and Ishmael to hit the road. Hagar leaves with her son and they set out on a journey.  While they are walking, Hagar realizes that she doesn't have any food for her son.  Knowing that Ishmael was going to die, she placed him in a bush and stepped away.  Hagar closed her eyes as she was unable to witness the death of her only son.  God hears Ishmael's cries and an angel of the Lord spoke to her by asking what is the matter.  The angel goes on to tell her not to be afraid and that the Lord has heard his cries.  He allowed Hagar a glimpse of her son's future and opens her eyes so that she is able to see a well of water to bring her son back to life.


I love reflecting back on this story because I have seen a glimpse of Sarah and Hagar in my own life.  In the past, when things didn't seem to go right in my life, I would try to take matters into my own hands - much like Sarah.  If only they could have trusted and listened to God's promise, the drama with Hagar would have never surfaced.  And poor Hagar...she was kicked to the curb and was so engrossed by the fear of loosing her son that she didn't even see the well beside her.  I'm finding that I'm so wrapped up in the fear of never getting pregnant with a healthy baby that I'm missing all the blessings beside me.  I'm so focused on what is missing in my life rather than what I have. 


I truly don't want to walk through this life with my eyes closed.  I'm asking the Lord to illuminate what He wants me to see and not to dwell on what I don't have.  I'm praying that I'm able to drink deep in the faithfulness of God in hopes that next time I face insurmountable (that's for you Kara) odds, that I will NOT cower in fear.   I want to keep my eyes, my heart, and my desires open to what His will is for my life. And lastly, I pray that my days are filled with gratitude as He can turn the unlikely into the obvious! 


If you are a prayer warrior out there, I am asking for you to be in prayer with me. I know first hand that the power of prayer is amazing.  The God of Hagar heard her son's cries and He hears our cries as well!


I'm ready to let go of these fears and surrender them ALL to Him!

I'm Dancing For You, Gracie

Grace,

 "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain."  Therefore, I'm dancing for you today and always, Gracie!  You danced gracefully in my tummy for nine beautiful months and I wouldn't change that for the world. I surely miss those days I was able to sway back and forth with you while you were moving away. Through the heartache, pain, and emptiness, I will keep on dancing with each drop of rain reminding me how blessed I am for the opportunity to be your mama.  No matter how long it rains, or pours for that matter, I'm reminded that I will see you again because of our loving Lord and Savior.  And when that happens, I want our dances to join - not in the rain, but in His glorious light.  We will dance for Him, little one.  You and I together, forever!  As each day passes, I'm one step closer to joining you in that dance.  I look forward to that day where I can twirl you in circles and tell you, face to face, how much I love you.  Until then, keep dancing for Him.  I love you, now and forever!  Happy 3 months, precious!

Love Always,
Mama

Not Just A Teacher

Some days I wonder if I made the right decision by taking on an English as a Second Language teaching position.  I loved having my own classroom and the freedom/responsibility that came with it.  I also loved the bonds that grew from having my own group of kiddos to care for, love, and educate. 

Every year when school supplies started showing up in stores, a feeling of excitement overcame me.  I was that kid growing up that LOVED shopping for school supplies. It literally made me giddy, ask my mom. I'd sit for hours on the floor in our living room writing my name on everything and would rearrange my pencil box ten thousand times so everything was in its perfect place. That same excitement carried over when I became a teacher.  I spent hours at the teacher store buying new boarders, inspirational posters, teaching materials and games to support my curriculum.  Although Paul never liked seeing what I spent, it brought me so much joy knowing a new year was ahead of me. 

When last school year ended, I had a very difficult time taking down my word wall and all my other materials I had posted around the room.  I knew that room 221 would no longer be my room ever again.  Gosh, sometimes I hate that I'm so sentimental! I learned a lot about myself over the years in that room - not only as a teacher, but as a person.  Part of me feels like I'm leaving that all behind.

At the beginning of each year I always introduced myself to my kiddos (mind you I taught 7th grade English Language Arts). I tried to do this in a comical way by showing pictures and embarrassing myself.  I'd talk about my husband and get really sappy (which they seemed to enjoy) and show pictures/tell stories of my other family members.  One thing I always ask my students to do every year is guess how many children I have.  I always seem to receive an outrageous guess of twenty, or the very common response, "Mrs. Morris, you look like you're eighteen.  How could you possibly have children?"  I always laugh and thank them for the nice compliment. I go on to tell that that I have sixty-three (or how ever many students I have that year) children.  The looks on their faces are priceless.  I go on to explain to them that even though I don't have any children (prior to Grace) to take care and love at home, they have become my very own.  I talk to them about how much time we will spend together and how we will become one big family.  I make a promise to them that I will treat them and care for them like a mother would.  I tell them that I will be there to listen, to talk, to help, or whatever they may need throughout the year and the years to come.

As a teacher, I never know what sticks with my students or what has made an impact on their lives. I was reminded today that students truly listen and take notice to the words that come from my mouth.  A former student of mine was asked to participate in a student panel for our Hmong Culture professional development.  One of the questions that was asked to the panel was something along the lines of what teacher has made an impact on your life.  Surprisingly, this student said my name and gave a beautiful explanation as to why.  She commented on how I was more than a teacher to her class, I was a mother.  I listened to what they had to say and I was there for them when they needed someone.  She also stated how she remembered how I told her class (because they were complaining about my expectations for an assignment) that the teachers that push them the hardest will end up being their favorite teachers in the end.  At the time she didn't agree with that statement, but now, she couldn't agree more and I pushed her to always do her best.

She made my heart melt and made me think about the impact that teachers can make in a child's life.  When she said I'm like their mother, it hit me in such a profound way.  Hearing the word "mother" takes on a whole new meaning since I've had Grace.  I won't ever get the opportunity to nurture and care for her here.  I won't get to listen how her day went, hear what she learned at school, or provide her with wisdom and knowledge to help her overcome a trial.  But that doesn't mean I'm any less of a mother.  I carried her for those wonderful nine months that her heart beat, cared for her in my womb, and loved her (and still am loving her) every single minute of her existence.  My love for her runs deep and I long for the day that I get to hear her say, "Mama." 

This school year, in honor of my Gracie, I'm going to love on those kiddos like I've never loved before. I will be more than a teacher.  I will have an open heart and ears to show them that they are cared for.  And with that love will come high expectations.  I will push them harder than I've ever pushed because their futures matter.  I don't need to have my own room to show my middle school students that I love them... like a mother.

And guess what....?

I have 211 children to be a teacher and mother to this year!

I can only imagine the look on their faces telling them I have that amount of children! =)

Due to legal issues, I cannot post pictures of my kiddos.  So you're stuck with me.  Here is a picture at our Hmong New Year in their traditional clothing. 

Visit http://www.myhapa.org/ to view my beautiful Hmong children! 

My New "Normal"

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family’s life.

Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind.

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

Normal is staring at every baby who looks like she is my baby’s age. And then thinking of the age she would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is telling the story of your child’s death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone’s eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my “normal”.

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child’s memory and her birthday and survive these days.

Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special that my baby would have loved, but how she is not here to enjoy it.

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.

Normal is making sure that others remember her.

Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you – it doesn’t compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

Normal is trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it.

Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.

Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child.

Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have three children or two, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have two children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.

Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.

And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become “normal” for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are “normal.”

-Author Unknown

God's Perfection

I've had many people ask to see pictures of Grace.  It just warms my heart when anyone wants to see her.  And it truly brings me so much joy to have others ask about her.  I'm sure most parents can relate.  I'm proud of her and to be her mama. But I have to say that I've built up a pretty thick wall when it comes to protecting my Gracie.

Prior to having her, I read up on so much literature dealing with Anencephaly.  The cruel comments that surfaced about these babies broke my heart.  Someone even had the audacity to say these babies looked like "monsters."  Many poked fun about their eyes and how they look "frogish" and it just crushed me. I did not want this to be said about my girl or anyone's child for that matter.  It's been a fear of mine since the moment I found out her diagnosis that others may not view her the way God would.  I feared that by me posting pictures, others would cringe or talk badly about Grace.

I've done a tremendous amount of praying about my feelings and I've even questioned why these feelings  existed.  Besides my family (parents, brothers, sister-in-laws, aunts) our Pastor, Kelly, and my dear friend Kara, no one else saw Gracie up close at the hospital.  Not to sound rude, but Paul and I didn't want many people visiting us. I heard how taxing labor and delivery can be and I didn't want to have to explain her birth story when it was so fresh in my mind.  And honestly, I didn't want people to view my girl not alive.  It crushed me.  I was however, very thankful to those that tried to come to see us.  It showed they cared about our well-being and it made us feel unbelievably loved.

I was sharing my feelings about posting a picture of Grace on Facebook with two of my co-workers/friends the other day at school.  Mollie reminded me that if people truly loved Grace, negative comments wouldn't exist - they'd see His perfect creation in her. Amen! The truth and wisdom that pours out of her is a breath of fresh air!

Through the last couple of months grappling with this, I've realized that God's grace is etched in her features. His perfection reminds me of all the goodness that comes from His creation.  When I look at the only pictures I will ever have of my first born, I see a glimpse of God.  I touched her.  I kissed her. I rocked her.  This journey started with God and will continue with Him.  Plain and simple.  Grace is a blessing to me and that is what makes me proud.  And with that comes the territory of being able to show her off,  to talk about her, and not shy away because of what others may say or think. 

I have appreciated all the wonderful comments I have received thus far about my sweet Grace.  She is beautiful, isn't she?  However, I am well aware that there is the possibility of people making comments about her behind my back.  And if that is the case, then they are choosing not to see His goodness and perfection at work.

I already see Grace as being whole and complete in Him. I see Grace wrapped in God's glory and in her Savior's sweet embrace.  She is with the angels, surrounding the throne.  And if she can't be here with me, there is no where else I would rather her be. 

To honor my daughter today, twelve Fridays after her birth, please watch the video that was so graciously created by Kelly at Illustrations Photography at the address below.  You many have to enter the password: Morris upon viewing the video. Turn on your speakers.  There is a song that plays.  Ironically enough, it's called, "How Beautiful." God's work and grace at it's finest!

http://www.shareitvideo.com/watch.php?v=241555781604356

Grace,
I wish I could tell you, Gracie, just one more time how much I love you.  Oh, I just can't wait to see you! It's Friday...again. I woke up and smiled because of you! I'm trying this "new thing" where I think of the positives in a situation instead of the negatives.  So today, I'm reminded how wonderful it was to be able to hold you in my arms for those two hours and seven minutes.  I loved that I got to hear some of your little voice while you were here.  Because my dear, you didn't cry when you entered this word, like most babies. I tell everyone what a little fighter you were, and it makes me smile every time because it is so true!  God gave me the strength to carry you and provided you the strength to endure your birth and to live for a glorious two hours. You sure are one tough cookie. Praise be to Him!  

Your daddy took off work today.  He is going to spend the afternoon with me because I go back to work next Monday. Where did this summer go? I think I say that every year! We are going to go on a bike ride and are headed to State Fair with Grandpa and Grandma.  I will eat a cream puff..or two for you!  =) I only wish you were able to join us...I'd give anything for that! 

I am always reminded by your little feet of Romans 10:15. Thank you, little one, for helping to strengthen my faith and to trust in our Lord with my entire heart.  It brings me to tears as I write to you.  Tears of joy!  I love you, my girl!

In Him,
Mama

Every good and perfect gift comes from above (James 1:17).

Beautiful Things

I never knew one single song could hold so much meaning in my life.  I guess I never took time to truly listen to the lyrics of "Beautiful Things" and reflect on what they mean to me until yesterday.  Paul ran into Home Depot for one thing and came out with twenty.  I couldn't help but smile when I saw his cart because it reminded me of how I am in Target.  I run in for a stick of deodorant and come out with a hundred dollars worth of stuff.   I'm glad he took as long as he did. I needed time to cry by myself without him thinking that I'm not letting go of Grace. I think he always associates my crying as a "bad thing," when in reality they are mostly tears of joy.  I'm so thankful for Grace and how God has opened my eyes to see true beauty, beauty that only He has created. 

"Beautiful Things"

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all


You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

(Chorus)

(Chorus)

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new

(Chorus)

Pain doesn't quiet describe the feelings I felt on that chilly day in December.  All my hopes and dreams came crashing down when both doctors said that Anencephaly is a fatal condition and these babies don't survive. With a box of tissues in my hand, puffy red eyes, and a hole in my heart, I knew walking out of the hospital that this journey would be filled with a variety of emotions. As the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months, I felt that hole becoming bigger and bigger. Maybe I had hoped for more out of certain people in my family than I should have.  I was often reminded that some people just don't know what to say or do and so they avoid any interaction altogether.  But that only made the pain all the more real and that hole continue to grow larger.

Looking back, I don't feel that I had expectations of people specifically.  But sometimes I felt I expected more out of certain people because I'd be willing to do that much for them. Ironically enough, the people I didn't expect anything from were the ones that carried my burden and walked along side of me the most. I prayed and asked others to pray for my hard heart that I was developing.  I prayed that these feelings wouldn't cause bitterness and resent the relationships that crushed me during that time. I thanked Him repeatedly for those people who showed me what it meant to walk with someone when they didn't know what to say or do either.

In the end, I've come to see the beauty and realize that not everyone is going to know what you need in life and therefore won't fill your love tank.  The people that hurt me the most didn't know that I just wanted them to pick up the phone or send a text message and ask me how I was doing.  I didn't expect people to move mountains for me, buy me anything, or go out of their way.  I just wanted to feel loved in my hardest time of my life.

The beautiful thing that came up from this is that I've learned what it means (to some extent) how to be selfless. Family, friends, and co-workers all around me taught me what it means to not only think of myself - to think beyond whatever it is I may be going through, and to reach out and serve someone else.  Isn't that what Jesus Christ did his entire life...served others?  Philippians 2:3 reminds me of this: Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. This life isn't about me, as much as I'd like to think it is... and it isn't about you either (sorry to burst your bubble).

While listening to this song I was reminded by the chorus that He makes beautiful things out of dust and out of us.  I could be interpreting this song all wrong, but after reading Genesis 3:19 it allowed me to see that both you and I were made from dust and as dust we will return.  Grace was created just as you and I were.  I know that God does not make mistakes.  And He surely didn't make a mistake by not allowing Grace's brain to develop.  Even though the world may not view her as being beautiful, she sure is to me.  He created her, how could she not be?  The beautiful thing about God's heart is that He is ravished by us.  We make Him smile, laugh, sing, and leap for joy (Zephaniah 3:17).  We make His heart beat faster and our faces make Him grin.  He sees our hair, our skin, our freckles, and He rejoices (Enjoying God).  My Gracie is no different - He is ravished by her as well! 

This song states that He makes beautiful things out of us.  I firmly believe everyone created has a purpose, even if they never get to take a breath here on Earth.  I'm not sure what Grace's purpose is and honestly, I don't know what mine is either.  I'm praying and asking God to reveal this to me.  The beauty behind not knowing is that I am able to call out to Him all the more.  And I'm thankful for that opportunity to grow close and spend time with Him.

Because of the Jesus' death on the cross, we are made new.  Our sins are washed away because He gave up His life for you and I. When we are made new, a transformation occurs - a change in our heart, our minds, our speech, our actions etc. And the amazing thing is that this process does not stop.  He continues to make us new! If we believe in Jesus Christ, the old is gone and the new has come (2 Corinthians 5:17).

I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't want to change what happened to us.  I'd give anything to be holding her, rocking her to sleeping, and raising her to know she is a child of God.  But that wasn't His plan and I'm learning to be okay with that.  I'm also trying to understand that I'll never get to see here again until I am reunited with her in Heaven.  For the ransom that was paid for you and I, I am forever grateful.  Because... I will get to see her again!  

I'm learning that there is true beauty behind my journey.  

Beautiful things that can only be seen because of Him. 

Living Out Your Dash

Tuesday was my Auntie's birthday.  When we gathered as a family this weekend, she seemed not so thrilled to be turning another year older.  Isn't that always the case?  I know I am just a young pup, turning 28 this year, but I had a REALLY hard time turning 26. I can sympathize to some degree.  Maybe it was because "my plan" (see:  Not in Control: Riding in the Passenger's Seat ) wasn't fully panning out the way I had hoped or the realization that 30 is right around the corner. Regardless, I know that turning another year older for most people means, more wrinkles, more this, and more that... I get all that "stuff" and don't want to negate that with what I'm about to write about.  My view on getting older has changed a bit since a sermon we had about living out your dash and giving birth to the most beautiful little girl who will never get to turn another year older here on Earth. That still won't stop me from celebrating her Heavenly birthdays though!  

During the sermon we had about two years ago, Pastor Terry began teaching us about what your dash meant.  Let's just say hypothetically that I pass away as I'm writing this.  On my tombstone (that I won't be having in real life) would read 12/18/1984 - (dash) 08/02/2012.  The dash refers to the years you have lived out your life.  Are you following?  I hope so... Have you ever thought deeply about what others may say about you and your life lived if they were going to give a eulogy at your funeral?  What do you want to be remember for and how do you want others to remember you when you pass on?  Pastor Terry showed us a poem written by Linda Ellis called "The Dash."  I'm not sure if this was the exact clip shown, but I remember sitting in my seat with tears pouring down my face...big reality check!  

As I was watching this in church, I realized that I was living a pretty me centered life.  My dash had really only consisted of meeting the goals that I had set for myself.  I thought, Is that really how I want to be remembered? Me, me, me, me?  I was reminded that our time spent here living out our dash  is noticed by others as "how" we live out those years.  Are we slow to anger, non judgmental, do we have servant hearts, do we treat others how we would want to be treated, are we quick to forgive, do we love with our whole heart and expect nothing in return...in other words, are we living out our lives as Jesus Christ would?

When I think about how I'm living my life, I always think of that song by the Sidewalk Prophets called Live Like That.  There is a lyric in that song that says, "When they see me, do they see You?" When I was pregnant with Grace, I wrote that on an index card and taped it to my laptop at school.  Every time I walked back to my desk, I always glanced at that index card as a helpful reminder.  It helped me to be constantly aware of my actions and the words I used in my classroom and to those around me. It allowed me to reflect on how I am living out my life on a daily basis.  I wanted others to see that I was striving to live like Him and that my actions and words reflected that. 

Linda Ellis stated in her poem, "You never know how much time you have."  She completely nailed that on the head. We don't know how much time we have...scary isn't it?  All of our days are numbered.  Grace's short life was numbered by hours, not days or years like you and I have been blessed with.  Although Grace beat us all to the BEST place in this universe, and I envy her for that, we should be thankful for each day that passes because it is one more day to serve someone in need, to smile, to laugh, to love...to live like Him. 

When another year comes your way, remember to slow down and appreciate the days that may lie ahead of you.  And while you are doing that, reflect on how you can better live out your dash so that others remember you the way that God intended. Live like Him!

So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other.   John 13:34

A Little Fun Never Hurt Anyone

In the wee hours of the night, when I should be sleeping, I like to putz around on different websites.  Waking up at 4:45am is going to be a killer when school starts up again.  Good thing I have a couple weeks to get my 1:00am sleeping time back to 8:30pm. HA HA!  It's sooo true though!  As of right now, Pinterest has gotten the best of me.  If only I was as talented and creative as my friend Kara and sister-in-law Jen to complete half the projects I pin.  Someday... I'll get there!

As I was poking around on different blogs, I came across this really neat interactive feature for the readers.  I can see on my end how many people have viewed my posts, but I thought it would be fun to see how others are being reached through Grace's story. 

If you look at the very bottom of my posts you will see the word "Reaction."  You can click your reaction (it's multiple choice..yes!) after you read each post.  I can't see who is clicking what, but it will just tally the different reactions that are being chosen.

I tried to select other inputs too, but it limited me on the amount of characters.  I thought, "I'm embarrassed" or "I'm VERY upset" would have been fitting for those I mention in my posts or the topics I bring up.
Ha! <3


Love Always,
Jess and Gracie

A Bond Shared

Almost four years ago Paul and I said, "I do."  We found our vows written purely from scripture, so they weren't the traditional vows you hear at most weddings.  And if you were there, you'd remember that our vows were very long and extremely wordy.  In fact, when Paul said his vows, Pastor Terry had so slow down and say less so Paul could recite it back correctly.  I, on the other hand, made a giant fool out of myself by stumbling over the words and laughing in the process. I know that saying your vows should be taken in a very serious manner, and it was never my intention to laugh, but that's what I do when I'm embarrassed.  I really couldn't help myself.

With those words, I entered into a covenant with my husband, not only before Paul, my family, and friends, but before God.  I take that very seriously.  And with part of that covenant, I promised that I would be in it for the long haul with him...for better or worse, or til death do us part.  It was more eloquently stated in our vows...I promise!  Looking back, I never really took the time to sit and process what that might entail.  Don't roll your eyes.  I just didn't want to imagine what could be thrown our way.  I knew that what God had brought together, we were not going to separate...no matter what!

I love Paul more today than the day I said, "I do." The man I married is much different than who he was on our wedding day.  Paul has really learned to walk alongside God, to trust in Him, and has become such a great spiritual leader in the process.  He is slower to anger, so much more easy going, and always has been wonderful listener.  One quality I loved about Paul when we first started dating was that he is phenomenal listener and communicator.  He and I would sit for hours talking, giggling, and crying together.  And when we weren't talking, we were watching movies and giggling.  He would feed or more like shove popcorn and peanuts in my face as we were watching.  He is such a character and the lover of my soul!

On our wedding day, besides it being blistering hot, I walked down that isle, ready to commit myself to someone that I was going to travel through life with. So, it didn't surprise me one bit that Paul was by my side when our lives were turned upside down on every account possible. I am forever grateful that he has not let me walk down this road alone.  When we walked down that isle on August 23,2008, I never would have imagined that traveling through life together would've meant burying our first born.  I never thought we'd be given an option to end our child's life or that we'd have to hand our baby over to a complete stranger and never see her on this side again.

After doing some research, I've read that the divorce rate is between 15%-90% for couples that have lost a child.  That's a pretty large range, so I'm sure it's anywhere in the middle of that.  At any rate, the death of a child can be the breaking point for some families.  We were determined that nothing would shake us and that God would walk with us on our journey.

Looking back, I could see how a decision such as ending your child's life or carrying your baby as long as the Lord lets you, could be another breaking point if the views were divided.  I remember, so vividly, talking with Paul  about what our next steps would be after hearing Grace's diagnosis.  Confidently, he knew that Grace was one of God's children and never wanted to take her life.  However, I lacked his confidence at the time.  Paul never once tried to sway my thinking, but he trusted that the Lord would guide me and my decision making.  Patiently, he saw the transformation before his eyes. It's amazing what can happen when we put our trust fully in Him!

I'm quite sure that those of you reading this would have never imagined some of the things you went through or are going through with your spouse.  I'm sure when you said, "Til death do us part," you never understood the ramifications to that statement.  But, when I said those words or some form of that on my wedding day, I meant every. single. word.  I never want to be part of the divorce rate statistic, and I will fight for that never to happen no matter what God throws our way.

Paul and I now share a connection that has brought us so much closer together.  We share one of the most beautiful and most heartbreaking moments that two people can share: the act of bringing a beautiful child into this word and holding her in our arms until she left to be with her Lord and Savior.  This is a piece of the thread that binds our til death do us part.

The pictures above are from our first date together!  Paul just HAD to sit on my lap and take pictures. I'm so thankful he did! I was super embarrassed and nervous, as you can see from the photographs.  He never did get one of me looking into the camera.  Stinker!  I'm so thankful that the Lord blessed me with him and his playfulness.  What a wonderful gift to be given!  There's no one else I'd rather walk through this life with! Til death do us part, baby! <3 

Not in Control: Riding in the Passenger's Seat

I can still remember when I thought my future was a choice that I was ultimately in control of.  The conversations I had with my friends about growing up and wanting to get married at twenty-three, having children within a certain time frame so I wouldn't be an "old" mom, and living in the perfect house with a white picket fence (cliché, I know) where ideals that I believed I could control. Obviously, I didn't know the power of God at the time.

When Paul and I got married we had many conversations about wanting to have children...okay, maybe it was me initiating the conversations, but we sure had them.  I always envisioned starting our family into our second year of marriage, but Paul had a different idea.  His envision was that after three years we would begin talking about having children.  He wanted to make sure our relationship had a strong foundation built on Christ before we brought kids into the picture.  I completely agreed, but often thought this was his way of postponing our next endeavor. Time was creeping up to me and I became very anxious because this is not what I had planned in my younger years...I was loosing control.  

It turned out that neither of us could control when we would be blessed with a child.  After having my miscarriage, it was suggested that I see a fertility doctor because my progesterone hormone level was low during that pregnancy.  I was told that my current clinic did not check for that hormone in their patient's blood.  After setting up an appointment, I met with the specialist and he proceeded to check all of my hormone levels.  It came back that my prolactin hormone was on the high side, which could have caused my other hormones to be lower.  To make sure it was nothing more, he told me I needed to have a MRI of my brain to ensure that I didn't have a pituitary tumor.  He had be trembling at that point.  This is NOT what I had planned for in my life.  I thought getting pregnant was supposed to be "easy!" By God's grace alone, it turned out that I just had an elevated hormone and that could be fixed by taking a pill...but, boy do I hate taking pills.

After I found out we were expecting, I called my fertility doctor right away and was told to stop taking the medicine.  He had me come in week after week for blood draws to ensure my growth hormone was doubling and checking my progesterone levels. I didn't know getting pregnant could be so nerve-wracking.  But, thankfully, every other week I was able to see our little bean double in size.  This was it...after so much heartache of loosing our first, we were finally pregnant! After all, I'd have this baby by the time I was twenty-seven. Having two more by thirty didn't look so promising...

When December 22nd hit and we heard the word Anencephaly for the first time, I slowly began realizing that this whole me in control thing wasn't working out the way I had anticipated.  When we were presented the options of what our next steps would be, it had to of been the first time where I truly felt I let God take control of my life.  Selfishly, we could have gone the path of termination and could have possibly been pregnant again shortly after.  That's what I really wanted, right...to be pregnant, with a healthy baby? So, why not take the "easy" way out?  But God had a different plan for our daughter's existence.  His plan started to unfold and the concept of aborting my child that I already felt dancing away in my tummy was brought to my full attention. I will never forget waking up one morning and praying for God to help me better understand each and every choice we were presented.  I sat at our table and began googling dilation and extraction (d&e) and seeing the horrific pictures of babies being pulled out of their mother with forceps.  Literally, I saw pieces of a baby's body (arms, fingers, legs, head etc.) sitting on a table in an operating room.  I knew that this is something my God never intended to happen.  This was pure evil!  Then how could I possibly go through with it?  The next day I began digging deep into the Word and trying to better understand creation and how we were formed in His image.  I kept mediating on Psalm 139:13-16.

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.  

 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.  

 I wept to the Lord, like Hannah did when she was barren. God revealed to me that he had a created a beautiful human being that deserved to be fought for, regardless of what the world would say.  She had a heartbeat (a very strong one at that) and was growing in size.  Her hands looked as though she was praying in her ultrasound picture. How was I to stop that?  God revealed what I was called to do, even if the journey wouldn't be easy.  He pushed me to the passengers seat pretty darn quickly and taught me I am the one NOT in control of this or anything in my life.

Grace was by far our greatest blessing and I'm so thankful that I was tossed into a different seat! 

The decision to begin our next endeavor is scary, but I know God has got my back and is in full control.  I was told that I would know I was ready for our next journey when my desire for a child was stronger than the fear of loosing one again. The fear of getting pregnant again is still present.  Will I even be able to get pregnant again? Will the baby be healthy? Will I get to hold him/her for more than two hours?  All questions and all very real fears.  Now, I've learned to take those fears and present them to the Lord.  Forty weeks is a long time to hold your breath and not come up for air.   And while most women worry about the type of furniture, paint color for the nursery, or the best type of stroller to buy, all baby loss mamas worry about is bringing home a baby that is living and healthy.    

I'm not sure what the road for Paul and I will look like.  I'm sure there will be bumps along the way, but this time I will enjoy the ride as a passenger.  I know my God will remain on the road by being in control and I feel safe as ever!  He will drive us through life and take us on our journey, wherever that may be.  I'm buckled up and ready for the ride! 

I will instruct you and teach you the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you ( Psalm 32:8).

My "Unicorn Baby"

Words cannot express how down in the dumps I've been these past couple days, The reason being why I haven't written.  I've been feeling so tired, weak, and depressed.  I'm really not sure what the whole grieving process looks like for me, but I'm hoping and praying that I don't have to experience many days like the ones I just went through.

I couldn't get Grace off my mind...even when I was sleeping.  Just recently, I've started having dreams with her in them.  The beautiful thing is that she is healed and well in each and every dream I've experienced.  Maybe that's God's way of reminding me that He has her safe in His keeping and that she is whole in His presence.  And boy, she was just as darling in my dreams as she was here on Earth! 

I was over at my parents yesterday evening and as I was flipping through television shows, it dawned on me that I was never able to watch the Private Practice episodes that were aired in May.  Ironically enough, during the time I was pregnant with Grace, this show had a lady named Amelia pregnant with an Anencephalic baby.  I was told of this show by Paul's sister after I had Gracie. In utter shock, I quickly told my mom what I heard since I knew this one of her favorite shows to watch.  My mom didn't have the heart to tell me what was going on in the show because of how cruel Amelia was about her unborn son.  She did DVR it in case I wanted to watch it later.  In my depressed state, I made my way up to my parent's room so I could watch the show and let out a good cry. 

Now, I completely understand this is a television show and some of the things depicted are extremely far fetched, but I sat and sobbed through the whole episode.  Being in a similar situation nearly two months ago brought back so many memories. Memories that I'll never forget. It made realize, again, how much I hate Anencephaly and that it took my baby's life. 

Please don't mind while I go on a little rant here because some of the things presented in the show made me smile, but also really hurt and bothered me as a mother to Grace.  

After never having watched Private Practice before, I completely loved the fact the writers showed Amelia carrying her child in light of the fatal diagnosis. Anencephaly occurs in 1 in 1,000 births, and 3 in 10,000 live births.  Roughly 95%-98% of people who hear their baby has this condition will terminate the pregnancy for various reasons.  With those types of statistics, I was elated to see the writers have a doctor choose the pro-life stance.  Now I don't know the background as to her coming to terms with the diagnosis, but it made me smile to know that the writers showed Amelia's reaction and how she felt after having her baby in her arms even when she said she didn't want to see her baby.  There is nothing more beautiful than seeing God's creation in your arms, defect and all! 

Now what really tripped my trigger was the fact that Amelia kept referring to her baby as the "brainless baby." Every time I heard those words I wanted to curl up in a ball and die. I just hated the fact that they had the character keep focusing on what the baby didn't have and not looking at what was being beautifully created. To be fair, Grace wasn't born with a brain like you and I were, but I would never, in a million years call her "brainless." In fact, Grace had a brain-stem which allowed everything to grow and develop as any healthy baby.  How amazing is that? As I began to educate myself on what Grace would be born with, I found this picture in particular to help me better understand what she'd look like.  

 Also, Amelia wanted to donate her child's organs, which stirred up controversy in the hospital.  The other doctors felt strongly against "dismantling her baby for parts while he was still alive."  As she was talking with another doctor she stated, "Technically, a child with working brain stem can't be declared brain dead even though he'll never be able to walk, talk, move, or eat.  Even though he is missing the part of his brain that he needs to have a life... not just be alive, but have a life...to love, to think, to know words, and feelings, to be conscious..."  You see, Amelia wanted the transplant team to take her baby right away while he was alive so that he could help other babies in need. She even stated that she didn't want to see him and that the doctor needed to put a hat on him and take him away.  Truth be told, I totally understand how this character was feeling with the organ donation.  Beyond a miracle from God, which could have happened, we knew Grace wouldn't be here with us for very long.  I wanted so badly to donate her organs to help other children that were in need...that could have lived because of what Grace was able to provide and their mamas wouldn't have to feel the pain of losing their baby. When I was told I couldn't donate, I was so crushed, just as Amelia was. And for the record, my Gracie may not have not been able to do many of those things listed above, but I believe with my whole heart that she knew and felt my love and interacted with me throughout my whole pregnancy. I'm sure many other mamas with this diagnosis would agree!         

After she delivered her baby, Amelia changed her mind about wanting to see and hold her child.  The moment she held him in her arms, she smiled, took off his hat to see his head, and said, "He's the most beautiful baby I've ever seen!" While carrying Grace I was so nervous as to what she was going to look like. I studied her ultrasound photos to see how much of her forehead would be visible.  I wanted to know if her eyes would bulge and if I'd see her brain through her hat.  I wanted to prepare myself so that my time spent with her wasn't spent in shock and in tears.  How vain does that sound?...and it didn't even matter in the end. In all honesty, the moment she was set in my arms, all I could think was, she's the most beautiful baby I've ever seen! I just wish the nurses or I could have given her a bath after she had passed or cleaned her up better.  I never did take Grace's hat off, and looking back, I regret more than ever.  I wish she would have known that she was beautiful the way she was created and that her mommy loved her no matter what she looked like. 

Giving birth to your child is supposed to be one of the greatest days of your life as was stated in the show.  I often see pictures of women outside the hospital with their tummy dropped and their faces beaming with joy. The labor, pain, and stress are worth every ounce to them because they know in the end, their child will go home with them.  For me, giving birth to Grace was one of the worst and one of the best days of my life.  While I didn't have any pictures beaming with joy before I delivered her, and my pain and stress lasted for five months, I got to hold my unbelievably precious daughter, gaze into her eyes, and show her that she was 'worth it' for two hours...and that made it my very best day.

Amelia called her son her "unicorn baby."  She believed unicorns were magical and could do great things.  By donating his organs, she believed great things would happen because of all the lives that would be saved. I don't believe in magic, but Gracie is like my "unicorn baby." She wasn't given the opportunity to donate her organs; however, great things are happening due to her...Individuals starting to develop a relationship with Christ and reconfirming their faith in Him are just to name a few.  Amazing! Truly amazing. God has been doing a number on my heart, which is resulting in a different way that I live my life...all thanks to her! 

I pray that if you are a mommy out there with a decision to to carry or terminate your pregnancy, that God will help to open your eyes to see what a blessing your child can be in your life.  God showed me that my baby was worth it and great things will come in light of the heartache and pain... and I pray that He may show you the same!

Thank You

It's been truly amazing to see the number of visits to Gracie's blog in the last day! 659 visits to be exact! Praise be to God!

One of my very best friends, Michelle, encouraged me to post the link on Facebook when I first started writing back in May.  Being the incredibly self-conscious person I am, responded back about how horrible of a writer I am and how I have spelling and grammatical mistakes up the wazoo. As any good friend would, she kept up the encouragement and explained that the mistakes didn't matter; Grace's story is what people will focus on.  I battled with the thought ever since she suggested it, and felt God telling me yesterday to go ahead and share it.  Waking up this morning to the number of visitors, e-mails, comments, and messages via Facebook about Grace's story made tears fall from my face. Come on people, like I didn't do enough crying yesterday.  Just kidding! :)

In all seriousness, I want to thank you all for taking the time to read about our (well, mostly my) journey with Grace.  I understand how busy your lives are and to sit and read about someone's life may be the last thing on your plate...and I get that.  But it is my hope, that through my writing, you may see the beauty in what God is doing through such a difficult time in my life. Never for one second will I take credit for the strength to continue on or the decision to carry our sweet Grace.  Yes, I ultimately had to submit to His will for me, but I couldn't be more thankful that He taught me what it means to be obedient.  I will say this over and over again, I've been so blessed for the opportunity to have my faith rocked to the core because it taught me to trust in Him even more.  I'm even more thankful for the opportunity to draw closer to Him and to know my Lord and Savior in a different light. And if He had to take away one of the things I wanted most so that my relationship with Him would change, so be it.  Perhaps, because the one thing I wanted most was a child and not a deeper relationship with Him was one of the reasons why this happened.  I may never know, and I'm perfectly okay with that.  I don't need to know the 'why' behind my journey.  I'm just thankful for the opportunity to see what I really want and need most in my life...a deeper, stronger relationship with Jesus Christ.


For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:11-13

Better is One Day in His Court

My Dearest Grace,
    I've been really struggling these past several days.  It seems as though I go down this dark path and I simply cannot control my emotions. Ask Grandma.  She got a taste of my emotions on Sunday.  There have been so many times where I feel like I have to hide my feelings because this world tells me to.  Sometimes I even feel like your daddy thinks I'm crazy because we'll be driving or eating and tears just pour down my face.  I know he understands my pain, but I don't think he gets it.  I don't want him to get it either.  There was a bond that you and I shared while I was carrying you that he was ever able to experience.  And maybe that bond was different between you and I because the doctors said you wouldn't be with us long.  But when I was carrying you, Grace, I was never physically alone. You were always there, through it all.  Do you remember all the conversations I had with you on the way to and from mommy's work?  I bet the people driving next to us thought I was a big werird-o, but I didn't mind because I was talking to you, my girl!  I often think back to when you and I would be sitting in bed and you'd make me laugh so much.  Your daddy would be sitting next to us watching television and you would move around so much that you would make me belly laugh.  He'd look at you and smile!  Maybe you were providing me that enjoyment then because you knew we'd never get to experience playtime here on Earth. And Grace, I so wish that weren't the case. I'd give anything to be watching your expressions come to life and to see you smile.  Why does life have to be so unfair at times? 

   When I was "At North" with all your family members, I was online and this lady that lost her son from Anencephaly too, showed me this one website that gives all this fun information about babies that were born on your birthday.  I looked at it again this morning and this is what I saw..."Babies born on 5/18/2012 will start kindergarten in 2017, be old enough to drive a car in 2028, finish high school in 2030, and will graduate from college with the class of 2034, give or take a year." Crazy to think of all those things, isn't it?  Maybe seeing reminders like that provide me more pain, but they are reminders that you were once here. You were born!  And to be honest Grace, I think your little life has made more of an imprint on this world than my twenty-seven years have. 

   Through the heartache and pain, I can't help but rejoice in the fact that I know you are with our Lord and Savior.  He provided us with you, our greatest blessing, and for that I am eternally grateful.  I pray that as the days turn into months, the months turn into years, that because of you, people come to know our Savior.  So many people have told me that because of you they have recommitted their faith to the Lord or that God has strengthened their faith because of you.  See what a blessing you are?

    I pray that I will never let you down as a mother, Grace.  I pray that the Lord convicts me of faults and failures daily.  As He is preparing our hearts to continue adding on to our family, God willing, know that you will NEVER be forgotten. And if the Lord blesses us with another child, please know that they will grow up knowing and loving their big sister to no end! I can promise you that, little one.

   A friend reminded me today that better is one day in His court than a thousand elsewhere.  I needed that reminder today more than ever and feel so blessed to have friends that I call women of God (Thanks Mehgan!).  I can't wait for the moment I can meet you in His court and we can lift our hands together, praising the One that wonderfully and fearfully created you, peanut!  Until then, know that you are ALWAYS in my heart and on my mind!  I love you sweet pea! Happy 8 weeks in Jesus' arms!

Love Always,
Me

"At North"

I've truly missed writing about Grace this past week since she was constantly on my mind.  You see, my immediate family travels to Kelly Lake or "At North" every year for a week getaway.  We spend most of our time playing on the water, fishing, making s'mores, playing games, watching movies, and eating!  In the past, our trip never really feels like a vacation because we make all our food and have to clean, just like we do at home.  When I think of a vacation, I think of the sun beating down on my face while I rest in a chair along side the ocean, listening to the waves crash beside me. I think about getting dressed up and walking down to dinner to be served a meal, or two for that matter. I enjoy listening to music, having a drink, and watching the happiness flow from everyone's faces. 

I love traveling, especially with my parents.  Since I was pregnant this year, Paul and I decided it would be best not to travel to Mexico like we've done in the past. Typically, we go with my parents between March and April (whenever my school's Spring Break falls).  I thought that time frame was way too close to my due date.  Plus, we never knew when God was going to call our Gracie home.  I feared not being able to feel her move in Mexico, and that is not a place I desired to have my baby.

I remember when Paul and I first found out we were expecting there was such a rush of excitement.  I jumped on the computer to plug in my last "not so nice friend" (as Paul would say because he hates the word period) into the computer to find that our blessing from above would be due May 19th (the anniversary of my grandma's passing).  I looked at him and said, "This year we will get to have one of our children with us up north.  How fun!"  Later in our conversations I went on to talk about how different our time up there would be with a little one.  I explained to him how my "tanning time" and lounging on the lake would gladly be given up to feed and spend time with the baby.  Paul joked about the fact that his "fishing time" with the guys would not be interrupted because he/she would be sound asleep for the night.  I just smiled, rolled my eyes, and thought that he had no idea what's in store for our new lives together...I guess, neither did I.

The time leading up to our trip was very difficult for me.  I have never been gone from the house over night since we brought her ashes home.  Deep down inside I felt like I was leaving her behind all alone.  I knew I wouldn't get to cut her flowers or be with her on the first Friday of our trip, like I've been every Friday since her birth.  I also knew my family would think I was even more of a nut if I brought her wooden box with me. So, I opted to tuck a picture frame of Grace and I together in my bag.  I set it on the nightstand beside our bed and held it close to my heart every chance I could get.  She was one of the very first and last things I thought of every morning and night, it's like that most of the time. Prior to leaving, I was also being taunted by the devil because I was so disappointed that we'd be the only ones without a kiddo to play with and worry about.  I'm not so sure why I felt like Paul and I wouldn't fit in with my family because I've never felt that way before. I knew I had to take my concerns to God or I would have gone into this trip spending a great deal of time alone in my bedroom. 

On the contrary, this trip was unlike any other that I've experienced in our five years of going up north.  Besides the weather being such a blessing to us, there was a calmness and peacefulness that surrounded me. There were many times that I slipped away or tried to hide my tears, but I felt God and Grace with me ALL the time.  More than ever, He showed me what a blessing each and every one of my family members are to me and how blessed I am to have them in my life.  Several times I watched people in the water laughing away, throwing out their lines when fishing, or just gazing up at the beautiful evening sky and thanked Him for my countless blessings.  There was one night in particular where my mom, dad, and I sat outside and talked for hours while my brother took his family out fishing.  It was beyond wonderful to listen to different music and carry on conversation with my parents about life. Spending quality time with people is my number one love language and I could feel God's love and my parents' love throughout our whole night.  These are the moments when I know where love comes from - For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16).      

I truly believe God has opened my eyes to many things since He chose us to carry Grace.  One of those eye openers is the realization that all of our days are numbered. And when I think about my time left here on Earth, I do not want to be wallowing in self-pity because He chose to take my baby before I intended Him to.  He never fails and turns my mourning into dancing while providing me with a different outlook on life.  I'm thankful for the constant reminders (sunsets, shining stars, laughter, smiles, crazy hair nights etc.) that our God is good and he loves us no matter what we are going through or how we are feeling.  I've been finding that when I think times are going to be rough and I relinquish my feelings to Him, He revels His glory, goodness, and love all the more!  

2nd Annual Crazy Hair Night