When Paul and I got married we had many conversations about wanting to have children...okay, maybe it was me initiating the conversations, but we sure had them. I always envisioned starting our family into our second year of marriage, but Paul had a different idea. His envision was that after three years we would begin talking about having children. He wanted to make sure our relationship had a strong foundation built on Christ before we brought kids into the picture. I completely agreed, but often thought this was his way of postponing our next endeavor. Time was creeping up to me and I became very anxious because this is not what I had planned in my younger years...I was loosing control.
It turned out that neither of us could control when we would be blessed with a child. After having my miscarriage, it was suggested that I see a fertility doctor because my progesterone hormone level was low during that pregnancy. I was told that my current clinic did not check for that hormone in their patient's blood. After setting up an appointment, I met with the specialist and he proceeded to check all of my hormone levels. It came back that my prolactin hormone was on the high side, which could have caused my other hormones to be lower. To make sure it was nothing more, he told me I needed to have a MRI of my brain to ensure that I didn't have a pituitary tumor. He had be trembling at that point. This is NOT what I had planned for in my life. I thought getting pregnant was supposed to be "easy!" By God's grace alone, it turned out that I just had an elevated hormone and that could be fixed by taking a pill...but, boy do I hate taking pills.
After I found out we were expecting, I called my fertility doctor right away and was told to stop taking the medicine. He had me come in week after week for blood draws to ensure my growth hormone was doubling and checking my progesterone levels. I didn't know getting pregnant could be so nerve-wracking. But, thankfully, every other week I was able to see our little bean double in size. This was it...after so much heartache of loosing our first, we were finally pregnant! After all, I'd have this baby by the time I was twenty-seven. Having two more by thirty didn't look so promising...
When December 22nd hit and we heard the word Anencephaly for the first time, I slowly began realizing that this whole me in control thing wasn't working out the way I had anticipated. When we were presented the options of what our next steps would be, it had to of been the first time where I truly felt I let God take control of my life. Selfishly, we could have gone the path of termination and could have possibly been pregnant again shortly after. That's what I really wanted, right...to be pregnant, with a healthy baby? So, why not take the "easy" way out? But God had a different plan for our daughter's existence. His plan started to unfold and the concept of aborting my child that I already felt dancing away in my tummy was brought to my full attention. I will never forget waking up one morning and praying for God to help me better understand each and every choice we were presented. I sat at our table and began googling dilation and extraction (d&e) and seeing the horrific pictures of babies being pulled out of their mother with forceps. Literally, I saw pieces of a baby's body (arms, fingers, legs, head etc.) sitting on a table in an operating room. I knew that this is something my God never intended to happen. This was pure evil! Then how could I possibly go through with it? The next day I began digging deep into the Word and trying to better understand creation and how we were formed in His image. I kept mediating on Psalm 139:13-16.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
I wept to the Lord, like Hannah did when she was barren. God revealed to me that he had a created a beautiful human being that deserved to be fought for, regardless of what the world would say. She had a heartbeat (a very strong one at that) and was growing in size. Her hands looked as though she was praying in her ultrasound picture. How was I to stop that? God revealed what I was called to do, even if the journey wouldn't be easy. He pushed me to the passengers seat pretty darn quickly and taught me I am the one NOT in control of this or anything in my life.
Grace was by far our greatest blessing and I'm so thankful that I was tossed into a different seat!
Grace was by far our greatest blessing and I'm so thankful that I was tossed into a different seat!
The decision to begin our next endeavor is scary, but I know God has got my back and is in full control. I was told that I would know I was ready for our next journey when my desire for a child was stronger than the fear of loosing one again. The fear of getting pregnant again is still present. Will I even be able to get pregnant again? Will the baby be healthy? Will I get to hold him/her for more than two hours? All questions and all very real fears. Now, I've learned to take those fears and present them to the Lord. Forty weeks is a long time to hold your breath and not come up for air. And while most women worry about the type of furniture, paint color for the nursery, or the best type of stroller to buy, all baby loss mamas worry about is bringing home a baby that is living and healthy.
I'm not sure what the road for Paul and I will look like. I'm sure there will be bumps along the way, but this time I will enjoy the ride as a passenger. I know my God will remain on the road by being in control and I feel safe as ever! He will drive us through life and take us on our journey, wherever that may be. I'm buckled up and ready for the ride!
I will instruct you and teach you the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you ( Psalm 32:8).
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