I couldn't get Grace off my mind...even when I was sleeping. Just recently, I've started having dreams with her in them. The beautiful thing is that she is healed and well in each and every dream I've experienced. Maybe that's God's way of reminding me that He has her safe in His keeping and that she is whole in His presence. And boy, she was just as darling in my dreams as she was here on Earth!
I was over at my parents yesterday evening and as I was flipping through television shows, it dawned on me that I was never able to watch the Private Practice episodes that were aired in May. Ironically enough, during the time I was pregnant with Grace, this show had a lady named Amelia pregnant with an Anencephalic baby. I was told of this show by Paul's sister after I had Gracie. In utter shock, I quickly told my mom what I heard since I knew this one of her favorite shows to watch. My mom didn't have the heart to tell me what was going on in the show because of how cruel Amelia was about her unborn son. She did DVR it in case I wanted to watch it later. In my depressed state, I made my way up to my parent's room so I could watch the show and let out a good cry.
Now, I completely understand this is a television show and some of the things depicted are extremely far fetched, but I sat and sobbed through the whole episode. Being in a similar situation nearly two months ago brought back so many memories. Memories that I'll never forget. It made realize, again, how much I hate Anencephaly and that it took my baby's life.
Please don't mind while I go on a little rant here because some of the things presented in the show made me smile, but also really hurt and bothered me as a mother to Grace.
After never having watched Private Practice before, I completely loved the fact the writers showed Amelia carrying her child in light of the fatal diagnosis. Anencephaly occurs in 1 in 1,000 births, and 3 in 10,000 live births. Roughly 95%-98% of people who hear their baby has this condition will terminate the pregnancy for various reasons. With those types of statistics, I was elated to see the writers have a doctor choose the pro-life stance. Now I don't know the background as to her coming to terms with the diagnosis, but it made me smile to know that the writers showed Amelia's reaction and how she felt after having her baby in her arms even when she said she didn't want to see her baby. There is nothing more beautiful than seeing God's creation in your arms, defect and all!
Now what really tripped my trigger was the fact that Amelia kept referring to her baby as the "brainless baby." Every time I heard those words I wanted to curl up in a ball and die. I just hated the fact that they had the character keep focusing on what the baby didn't have and not looking at what was being beautifully created. To be fair, Grace wasn't born with a brain like you and I were, but I would never, in a million years call her "brainless." In fact, Grace had a brain-stem which allowed everything to grow and develop as any healthy baby. How amazing is that? As I began to educate myself on what Grace would be born with, I found this picture in particular to help me better understand what she'd look like.
Also, Amelia wanted to donate her child's organs, which stirred up controversy in the hospital. The other doctors felt strongly against "dismantling her baby for parts while he was still alive." As she was talking with another doctor she stated, "Technically, a child with working brain stem can't be declared brain dead even though he'll never be able to walk, talk, move, or eat. Even though he is missing the part of his brain that he needs to have a life... not just be alive, but have a life...to love, to think, to know words, and feelings, to be conscious..." You see, Amelia wanted the transplant team to take her baby right away while he was alive so that he could help other babies in need. She even stated that she didn't want to see him and that the doctor needed to put a hat on him and take him away. Truth be told, I totally understand how this character was feeling with the organ donation. Beyond a miracle from God, which could have happened, we knew Grace wouldn't be here with us for very long. I wanted so badly to donate her organs to help other children that were in need...that could have lived because of what Grace was able to provide and their mamas wouldn't have to feel the pain of losing their baby. When I was told I couldn't donate, I was so crushed, just as Amelia was. And for the record, my Gracie may not have not been able to do many of those things listed above, but I believe with my whole heart that she knew and felt my love and interacted with me throughout my whole pregnancy. I'm sure many other mamas with this diagnosis would agree!
After she delivered her baby, Amelia changed her mind about wanting to see and hold her child. The moment she held him in her arms, she smiled, took off his hat to see his head, and said, "He's the most beautiful baby I've ever seen!" While carrying Grace I was so nervous as to what she was going to look like. I studied her ultrasound photos to see how much of her forehead would be visible. I wanted to know if her eyes would bulge and if I'd see her brain through her hat. I wanted to prepare myself so that my time spent with her wasn't spent in shock and in tears. How vain does that sound?...and it didn't even matter in the end. In all honesty, the moment she was set in my arms, all I could think was, she's the most beautiful baby I've ever seen! I just wish the nurses or I could have given her a bath after she had passed or cleaned her up better. I never did take Grace's hat off, and looking back, I regret more than ever. I wish she would have known that she was beautiful the way she was created and that her mommy loved her no matter what she looked like.
Giving birth to your child is supposed to be one of the greatest days of your life as was stated in the show. I often see pictures of women outside the hospital with their tummy dropped and their faces beaming with joy. The labor, pain, and stress are worth every ounce to them because they know in the end, their child will go home with them. For me, giving birth to Grace was one of the worst and one of the best days of my life. While I didn't have any pictures beaming with joy before I delivered her, and my pain and stress lasted for five months, I got to hold my unbelievably precious daughter, gaze into her eyes, and show her that she was 'worth it' for two hours...and that made it my very best day.
Amelia called her son her "unicorn baby." She believed unicorns were magical and could do great things. By donating his organs, she believed great things would happen because of all the lives that would be saved. I don't believe in magic, but Gracie is like my "unicorn baby." She wasn't given the opportunity to donate her organs; however, great things are happening due to her...Individuals starting to develop a relationship with Christ and reconfirming their faith in Him are just to name a few. Amazing! Truly amazing. God has been doing a number on my heart, which is resulting in a different way that I live my life...all thanks to her!
I pray that if you are a mommy out there with a decision to to carry or terminate your pregnancy, that God will help to open your eyes to see what a blessing your child can be in your life. God showed me that my baby was worth it and great things will come in light of the heartache and pain... and I pray that He may show you the same!
This is beautiful. I'm so sorry for what you've been through, but how amazing you've been able to share this. Hugs, mama!
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