"At North"

I've truly missed writing about Grace this past week since she was constantly on my mind.  You see, my immediate family travels to Kelly Lake or "At North" every year for a week getaway.  We spend most of our time playing on the water, fishing, making s'mores, playing games, watching movies, and eating!  In the past, our trip never really feels like a vacation because we make all our food and have to clean, just like we do at home.  When I think of a vacation, I think of the sun beating down on my face while I rest in a chair along side the ocean, listening to the waves crash beside me. I think about getting dressed up and walking down to dinner to be served a meal, or two for that matter. I enjoy listening to music, having a drink, and watching the happiness flow from everyone's faces. 

I love traveling, especially with my parents.  Since I was pregnant this year, Paul and I decided it would be best not to travel to Mexico like we've done in the past. Typically, we go with my parents between March and April (whenever my school's Spring Break falls).  I thought that time frame was way too close to my due date.  Plus, we never knew when God was going to call our Gracie home.  I feared not being able to feel her move in Mexico, and that is not a place I desired to have my baby.

I remember when Paul and I first found out we were expecting there was such a rush of excitement.  I jumped on the computer to plug in my last "not so nice friend" (as Paul would say because he hates the word period) into the computer to find that our blessing from above would be due May 19th (the anniversary of my grandma's passing).  I looked at him and said, "This year we will get to have one of our children with us up north.  How fun!"  Later in our conversations I went on to talk about how different our time up there would be with a little one.  I explained to him how my "tanning time" and lounging on the lake would gladly be given up to feed and spend time with the baby.  Paul joked about the fact that his "fishing time" with the guys would not be interrupted because he/she would be sound asleep for the night.  I just smiled, rolled my eyes, and thought that he had no idea what's in store for our new lives together...I guess, neither did I.

The time leading up to our trip was very difficult for me.  I have never been gone from the house over night since we brought her ashes home.  Deep down inside I felt like I was leaving her behind all alone.  I knew I wouldn't get to cut her flowers or be with her on the first Friday of our trip, like I've been every Friday since her birth.  I also knew my family would think I was even more of a nut if I brought her wooden box with me. So, I opted to tuck a picture frame of Grace and I together in my bag.  I set it on the nightstand beside our bed and held it close to my heart every chance I could get.  She was one of the very first and last things I thought of every morning and night, it's like that most of the time. Prior to leaving, I was also being taunted by the devil because I was so disappointed that we'd be the only ones without a kiddo to play with and worry about.  I'm not so sure why I felt like Paul and I wouldn't fit in with my family because I've never felt that way before. I knew I had to take my concerns to God or I would have gone into this trip spending a great deal of time alone in my bedroom. 

On the contrary, this trip was unlike any other that I've experienced in our five years of going up north.  Besides the weather being such a blessing to us, there was a calmness and peacefulness that surrounded me. There were many times that I slipped away or tried to hide my tears, but I felt God and Grace with me ALL the time.  More than ever, He showed me what a blessing each and every one of my family members are to me and how blessed I am to have them in my life.  Several times I watched people in the water laughing away, throwing out their lines when fishing, or just gazing up at the beautiful evening sky and thanked Him for my countless blessings.  There was one night in particular where my mom, dad, and I sat outside and talked for hours while my brother took his family out fishing.  It was beyond wonderful to listen to different music and carry on conversation with my parents about life. Spending quality time with people is my number one love language and I could feel God's love and my parents' love throughout our whole night.  These are the moments when I know where love comes from - For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16).      

I truly believe God has opened my eyes to many things since He chose us to carry Grace.  One of those eye openers is the realization that all of our days are numbered. And when I think about my time left here on Earth, I do not want to be wallowing in self-pity because He chose to take my baby before I intended Him to.  He never fails and turns my mourning into dancing while providing me with a different outlook on life.  I'm thankful for the constant reminders (sunsets, shining stars, laughter, smiles, crazy hair nights etc.) that our God is good and he loves us no matter what we are going through or how we are feeling.  I've been finding that when I think times are going to be rough and I relinquish my feelings to Him, He revels His glory, goodness, and love all the more!  

2nd Annual Crazy Hair Night