Better is One Day in His Court

My Dearest Grace,
    I've been really struggling these past several days.  It seems as though I go down this dark path and I simply cannot control my emotions. Ask Grandma.  She got a taste of my emotions on Sunday.  There have been so many times where I feel like I have to hide my feelings because this world tells me to.  Sometimes I even feel like your daddy thinks I'm crazy because we'll be driving or eating and tears just pour down my face.  I know he understands my pain, but I don't think he gets it.  I don't want him to get it either.  There was a bond that you and I shared while I was carrying you that he was ever able to experience.  And maybe that bond was different between you and I because the doctors said you wouldn't be with us long.  But when I was carrying you, Grace, I was never physically alone. You were always there, through it all.  Do you remember all the conversations I had with you on the way to and from mommy's work?  I bet the people driving next to us thought I was a big werird-o, but I didn't mind because I was talking to you, my girl!  I often think back to when you and I would be sitting in bed and you'd make me laugh so much.  Your daddy would be sitting next to us watching television and you would move around so much that you would make me belly laugh.  He'd look at you and smile!  Maybe you were providing me that enjoyment then because you knew we'd never get to experience playtime here on Earth. And Grace, I so wish that weren't the case. I'd give anything to be watching your expressions come to life and to see you smile.  Why does life have to be so unfair at times? 

   When I was "At North" with all your family members, I was online and this lady that lost her son from Anencephaly too, showed me this one website that gives all this fun information about babies that were born on your birthday.  I looked at it again this morning and this is what I saw..."Babies born on 5/18/2012 will start kindergarten in 2017, be old enough to drive a car in 2028, finish high school in 2030, and will graduate from college with the class of 2034, give or take a year." Crazy to think of all those things, isn't it?  Maybe seeing reminders like that provide me more pain, but they are reminders that you were once here. You were born!  And to be honest Grace, I think your little life has made more of an imprint on this world than my twenty-seven years have. 

   Through the heartache and pain, I can't help but rejoice in the fact that I know you are with our Lord and Savior.  He provided us with you, our greatest blessing, and for that I am eternally grateful.  I pray that as the days turn into months, the months turn into years, that because of you, people come to know our Savior.  So many people have told me that because of you they have recommitted their faith to the Lord or that God has strengthened their faith because of you.  See what a blessing you are?

    I pray that I will never let you down as a mother, Grace.  I pray that the Lord convicts me of faults and failures daily.  As He is preparing our hearts to continue adding on to our family, God willing, know that you will NEVER be forgotten. And if the Lord blesses us with another child, please know that they will grow up knowing and loving their big sister to no end! I can promise you that, little one.

   A friend reminded me today that better is one day in His court than a thousand elsewhere.  I needed that reminder today more than ever and feel so blessed to have friends that I call women of God (Thanks Mehgan!).  I can't wait for the moment I can meet you in His court and we can lift our hands together, praising the One that wonderfully and fearfully created you, peanut!  Until then, know that you are ALWAYS in my heart and on my mind!  I love you sweet pea! Happy 8 weeks in Jesus' arms!

Love Always,
Me