Appreciating Every Moment

I’m not exactly sure where all the days in April have gone. Weren't we just celebrating Christ’s resurrection not too long ago?  Before I know it, my summer break will be finished and I'll be wishing for the sun to stay out a wee bit longer.  It saddens me that time flies by so quickly.  It bothers me even more to this day that not to long ago, I literally wished time away.  I never took the time to appreciate the moment that I was blessed with or value what I was experiencing. 

Grace changed that for me.

I was reminded again, while I vacationed with Paul and my parents two weeks ago that I need to live in the moment and value the time I have here on earth.  During our first full day at the beach, I sat in my chair, staring out into the ocean and was captivated by the beauty that was before me.  I turned to my left and then my right to view my handsome hubby pouring over his novel and both of my parents with their eyes shut and their heads titled back, taking in the warmth of the sun.  Tears of thankfulness began to seep from my eyes like a leaky faucet.

Here I was, in a place most people consider to be paradise, and in the presence of three people who are very near and dear to my heart.  To say that I was feeling blessed would be an understatement.   I took that moment to draw everything in… to hear the sound of the waves crashing in the distance, the seagulls squawking for food, and the laughter that filled the air.  I marveled at the crystal clear water, the white sand between my toes, and the bright sun that kissed my cheeks.  I continued to gaze at each of my loved ones, and thought about how precious they are to me.  I looked at them, similar to how I looked at Grace, and I felt an overwhelming amount of love. 

I shut my eyes, tuned out the noises, and thanked Him for the opportunity to travel, especially with my family and for allowing me to experience living in the moment...again.  I prayed for time to slow down so that I could take in every detail and appreciate the time I was given with my family. 

As time would have it, the vacation flew by in a blink of an eye.  We were blessed with gorgeous weather, time to enjoy each other’s company, and laughter that lasted well into the night.  Even though there wasn't a moment that went by where I didn’t think of Grace, I felt (maybe for the first time ever) that  I was able to truly enjoy the life I have been blessed with since her passing…to laugh and smile without feeling guilty.  And boy, did it feel good!

I’m certain Grace would want me to live this life to the fullest and appreciate all the blessings God has bestowed upon us.  I am so thankful that I have been awakened to a new way of living.  Each and every breath that I am given is a true blessing.  I have learned so much from being Grace's mama and for that, I am eternally grateful. I feel like God continues to reveal more of Grace's purpose for her short life as time continues on.  I'm praying He reveals more and more because it makes me one proud mama!  

  

Her Perfect Little Patty

What an absolutely perfect little patty.

I'm so in love with those little dimples and her long, slender fingers.

She was her daddy to a tee.  Almost every square inch of her body.  It melted my heart.

I wish I had a picture of her other patty.  It was tucked snugly into her blanket, but was just as perfect as this one.

She was indeed fearfully and wonderfully made by her Creator (Psalm 139:14).

Tonight, I'm wishing more than ever that I could grab a hold of both those sweet patties and never...ever let go.

11 months after her birth and I continue to wear our Mother/Daughter (that is Gracie's around her wrist) bracelet proudly. In fact, not a day has gone by where I haven't worn mine.

She has my heart...forever and ever!


Gracie,
Daddy and Mama love you, sweet girl!  We send you lots of kisses today... and always.  Happy 11th months in Heaven.  We miss and love you more than you will ever know.  Xoxo

Sharing Grace's Story

I was contacted by a woman named Amanda Rose in March.  Amanda writes for a Christian women's blog called Holy Hen House.  This is a space where several women come together to inspire and encourage other ladies while shining His light through every word they write.

I didn't personally know Amanda at the time when she contacted me on my Facebook account.  She explained that she had come across my blog and was going to be writing a series on miscarriage and infant loss for her blog and was curious if Paul and I would be willing to share our story.  Through many messages back and forth, we realized we had a mutual friend in common and I had begun to understand the pain she experienced though her miscarriage as well.

Amanda sent me a series of questions to get Paul and I thinking about our entry.  There were many...many times that Paul and I sat down to write and I was flooded with such raw emotions that I had to stop and come back another day.  Amanda received several messages asking when we needed our writing completed because I literally couldn't see the keys on our laptop from all the tears streaming down my face every single time we wrote together.

There were many questions I grappled with because I felt like both of our losses were much different.  When I miscarried in 2010, I was crushed beyond belief.  I was told from countless people that, "it happens all the time," which made me feel like I shouldn't have been feeling the way I was feeling. I felt like I never was able to grieve the loss of my first baby. Nevertheless, after hours of reflection, I realized that the little life whose heart stopped beating at 6 weeks in the womb was just as important as the life that rested in our arms for those two hours.  Grace didn't make me a mama, so to speak...our first baby did.  I struggled with that thought for some time because I didn't understand why I didn't feel that way before.  After spending a great deal of time praying and thinking, I realized that I felt Grace truly made me a mother because I was gifted full-term pregnancy with her and the ability to deliver her into this world. As I was trying to understand my feelings about this thought that was held captive in my mind, one of my friends posted this quote below on my Facebook wall.  It literally brought me to tears. It didn't matter which baby made me a mother. I am a mother to two beautiful children in Heaven. Even if I can't physically see them here on Earth, I know they existed and am certain they are safe in His keeping.  Motherhood...what a blessing.  

Sitting down and discussing what the two of us were going to write was the first time I felt like we truly poured our hearts out about our losses.  Since Grace's passing, we have never dedicated solid periods of time to discuss our journey and grief.  We'd sit and talk about the topic here and there, but never set aside time in our schedules for it. It is a priority for us now because we have witnessed the impact from writing this entry.  It has in turn provided us the avenue to be more open and transparent about what's being laid on our hearts. I never knew some of the things his heart felt throughout our journey and it has helped me to better understand the differences in our coping/grieving.

I truly feel that this opportunity was a blessing from God. Although it was difficult to write at times, seeing the impact on my heart and Paul's, and our marriage has been truly remarkable.  Also, I have received several personal e-mails and messages about my blog from complete strangers that have shared how Grace's story has impacted their lives.  Some have wrote telling us how neat it is to see God written all over her life and they shared how they have never heard of anencephaly and have now been made aware of this condition.  These were some of main reasons why I started to write in honor of my girl.  What a blessing!

Please visit Amanda's series of Grief to Glory where Paul and I share Grace's story and our journey through our losses.

Thank you, God, for continuing to place others in my life so Grace's story can be shared and heard.  Thank you for blessing us with Amanda and for placing it on her heart to share the heartache and pain of miscarriage and infant loss.  I pray, Lord, that you may use the entries in her series to bring understanding to the topic, but also comfort to those experiencing a loss or having walked a similar path.

The King Of Grace's Heart

Wednesday marked Grace's Daddy's 33rd birthday.  It seems strange to think that we began dating when he just turned 25 years old.  My, have we changed since then...physically, spiritually, and mentally.  This isn't the best picture to show, but Paul actually had lush, curly hair back then! What a babe!

Looking back over the course of the years that we've celebrated our birthdays, these last two have changed me the most. I'm sure it's safe to say that Paul would probably feel the same way.  Two years ago, I received the most precious gift from my mother's friend on my birthday.  The gift was an angel with a baby in its hand and a note hanging from the angel's hand that read, "from above." You can view the gift here.  At the time I received the angel, we had not learned of Grace's diagnosis and so the meaning behind it and the phrase had not yet impacted me.  I loved bringing out the gift this Christmas because it was the first time I realized the irony behind it.  Little did I know that I'd be considering my daughter an angel baby so soon in life.  God knew this gift would touch my heart in such a profound way.

Last year at this time, I was still carrying Grace. I remember it being extremely warm out and my feet were horribly swollen.  On Paul's birthday, I had come home and kicked up my feet after a long day of work.  He was greeted by the two of us laying on the sofa with my attractive black compression socks on.  I'm being sarcastic, if you didn't catch on.  Those poor things smelled awful and made me feel like an eighty year old women.  However, they took down the swelling, and that made me one happy camper.  When we made eye contact, I smiled and said, "Happy birthday Daddy and my handsome hubby."  He walked over kissed me, rubbed his little girl, and began yanking off my socks (without me even asking) because I no longer could bend over to get them off myself.  We joked that his birthday present was the puff of dead skin cells that hit him in the face as he slide the socks off my feet.  Gross, I know!

I know it might be odd to some, but it was important to me that Grace showed her love to her daddy (and grandma for mother's day) while she was still in our presence.  I'd like to think that Grace would have been the quintessential daddy's girl.  Seeing the love that poured out from her daddy on the day of her birth was truly remarkable.  I can only imagine the bond they would have shared here on earth.

I love receiving cards and giving cards to others. When I'm selecting a card for someone, I study each and every word to make sure that they are true to my heart.  Even if the card is unbelievably adorable but the words weren't placed on my heart at the time, I won't purchase it.  I'd like to think most people are like that. When I was picking out a card from Grace to give her daddy on his birthday, I wanted it to reflect the impact that he had on her life. When I came across this card (see below) my heart filled with joy and my eyes with tears. Written in the inside said, " Happy birthday to the king of my heart." Besides Christ, I fully believe her daddy was the king of her heart.  He wanted to give Grace the life God had intended for her no matter how long that may of been. He was her protector and I'm certain she could sense and feel his love for her.

I wasn't able to make anything with Grace's hand or foot prints at this time because she wasn't born yet. Therefore, I picked some of Paul's favorite things and gave it to him as her gift.  It appeared as though it warmed his heart.  To this day, her card sits on his shelf next to her hand prints that I made for his father's day gift.

I've struggled since Christmas with whether or not to include her name on cards since her passing.  Partly because Paul said that others may think it's strange since she isn't with us physically.  I opted to sign our Christmas cards, "Love, The Morris Family."  I felt like then I was including her life, in an indiscreet way so I wouldn't make things awkward for someone else.  Over the last couple of family birthdays, I've changed my thinking and I've signed Grace's name along with ours because she is and always will be apart of our family.

I haven't received any negative criticism from it since and so I thought I'd continue the trend with her daddy on his special day.  I always wake up several hours before Paul every morning and decided that it would be best to let him sleep the day of his birthday.  Upon leaving for school, I took out a marker and wrote him a little note from his two girls. It made my heart happy to include her in his special day. Later on in the morning, he sent me the sweetest text message and thanked his two girls for the note.

Since Grace's passing, birthdays have taken on a new meaning in my heart.  Even though earth is a far cry from heaven, it's a blessing to be alive.  To live life in the presence of the ones you love is an honor for me. I appreciate rising from my bed each morning knowing that God has blessed me with another day to live.  We are all special gifts from above and I love rejoicing over each and every life that God creates.

As each year passes, I am reminded that God has granted me the perfect partner to roam this earth with.  Grace's dad continues to age with such grace.  He strives to life his life for God and always keeps our family grounded in the Word.  He continues to bless me with his gift of positive thinking, and for that, I am grateful.  Whenever I am feeling down and out about missing our sweetie pie, he always helps me see the joy that's coming and to continue having hope in Him.  I love her daddy more than the blades of grass or the sand granules on this earth. He is such a blessing to us.

Thank you, God, for the good gift of Grace's daddy in which you blessed me with.  I am eternally grateful.  

A Heart Filled With Love

Thank you, sweet child of mine, for helping me better understand what it means to truly love.  I know that my love will always fall short of our Savior's, but because of you, I have a better understanding to your grandma's statement, "You'll never know the true meaning of love until you have your own children."

Oh, how I'd give anything to trade places with you.

I wish I could have given you longer than 2 hours to live life so that you could have been able to fall in love, feel the sun kiss your sweet cheeks, and learn about your Heavenly Father on this side of heaven.  But all of that would be selfish because you are in the best place possible.  You know Jesus first hand, which means you don't have to feel the pain of this world, the heartache, death, and suffering.  What mother would want to take that away from their child?

I miss you Grace.

I miss you so much it hurts.

Thank you for making me a mama and for filling my heart with so much love.


Love you Always & Forever,
Mama

A Voice To Express My Heart

I've never been good expressing myself. My words fall extremely short when I'm writing and I tend to me more of a listener in conversations than the speaker.  After talking to four people this week about this very topic, all of them informed me that I'm not exactly an "open book" and tend to focus on how the other person is doing rather than how I am doing. I really don't like conversations to be centered on me, and so I genuinely try to be the first to ask a question in regards to the other person.  And when a question is brought up about myself, I brush everything under the rug and give the, "Oh, everything's okay," line to direct the attention away from me. One of my many short comings lie in the area of being able to tell people how I'm truly feeling.  Just ask my husband what we struggle with in our marriage. I know this will be the first things that comes out of his mouth.  I bottle up my hurt because I don't want to "cause drama" or better yet, allow the other person to hurt or feel down because of my struggles.  This has caused great pain in my life because of my lack of expression and opening up.  Thick walls have been created and in turn I've even pushed people away...even Paul.    

Likewise, I've never been good at telling people what I need.  Loosing Grace has complicated this even more. Looking back, I wish I would have called out to God and asked Him to bless me with a voice throughout this journey.  A voice to confidently express myself without feeling shameful or needy.  I've begun this very prayer recently because a great friend of mine reminded me this week that I'll be carrying her life and passing with me for the rest of my life and that I need to let others in because they want to help.  I know that God is my ultimate provider of my every need, but there are times when you need those closest to you to be there in support. 

After prayer, conversation with other baby loss mamas, and careful consideration to my true needs, I think many of us that have walked or are walking down this path of loss would agree that these are some of the things we need our would appreciate from our greatest supporters in life...

- I need to say her name.  

I pray that there will come a time where Grace's name does not radiate death and heartache, but an eternal life spent with Jesus. I pray that there will be a time when her name won't make other people feel uncomfortable or bring them to tears.  Saying Grace's name is extremely healing to me.  Please don't deprive me of this! 

- I need someone to ask me how I'm doing and want to know the real, honest answer. 

The loss of a child isn't easy, no matter how long he/she lived. I feel like society teaches us to move on and get on with life even though there is hurt that still resides within that person. There are times where I wish I could be "real" and express my hurt inside without the conversation being quickly changed to something else because of the topic. Contrary to what some may think, it is healing to talk about our child and the avenue to do so, is appreciated.  

- I need her life to be included in the count of children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews.  

Even though Grace is not crawling around on the carpet, holding her own bottle, or learning to talk, she still was our child and still holds a very special place in our hearts.  I feel like I die inside over and over again when her life isn't remembered in the count of the living children here on earth.  Just because my grandma passed away, doesn't mean I don't count her as one of my grandparents.  Why would we do the opposite to a child? I carried her for nine months, gave birth to her like every other mama, and we held her in our arms.  Grace's life may have been brief, but it matters and counts just as the other children.  

- I need care and gentleness with announcements of pregnancies, showers, and child births.

Both announcements of my pregnancies surely didn't turn out as I had hoped and as a result, my heart is more than tattered from my experiences   Although I've learned what Romans 12:15 (rejoice with those who rejoice) means throughout this journey, it doesn't make the hurt any easier.  Instead of Grace's life inside of me being celebrated and showered, we were planning for her passing...funeral expenses, death certificates etc.  I am truly happy for all my family members and friends that are blessed to experience the journey of pregnancy, but it's hard to be around when I carried my daughter, but never was able to receive the joy and experience of being showered like a new mother should be. Perhaps that's selfish, but I wish more than ever that I got to build/set up her crib, decorate a nursery, register for baby things, and bring home a healthy newborn baby, instead of building her a wooden box to be set in for the rest of time. A "handle with care sticker" should be sewn to my chest. 

- I need understanding and grace when being around newborns and distancing myself from them.  

I simply cannot bring myself to hold another baby in my arms.  I'm not at the stage in my grief where I could do this and not cry.  When I see a newborn, tears swell in my eyes, and I literally try to escape from the situation.  I try to run from the hurt that I still feel inside, from the aching arms that still exist, and the piece of me that will always be missing.  I pray that I will eventually get to the point where this won't be hard on me, but right now, it still is.  I pray that our friends do not take this personally.  I had no idea that when we chose to carry her, this would be an outcome to her passing.  I truly thank those that have been understanding through this whole process and are continuing to bless us with grace. 

- I need kindness and support on anniversaries and birthdays.  

Some anniversaries of her passing are better than others, but the constant support I receive from those around has been a huge factor in helping my grieving....the calls, the text messages, the pictures of dandelions, and Bible verses that are being prayed over us are constant support measures that undoubtedly help month after month.  I recently read an e-book on how to help a friend through the loss of a child, and showing support on these days have shown to help women all over the world that are grieving the loss of a child.  This has helped me significantly and after speaking to many other women, showing support on these days makes them a lot less painful.  

-I need forgiveness for not being the wife, daughter, sister, and friend I used to be. 
The death of Grace has changed me and my view on life. I'm not who I used to be by a long shot and I appreciate those who understand and have walked alongside of me in light of these changes. I also appreciate those who love me and have accepted the "new me,"  regardless of how I have changed. I'm not perfect and I fall short daily. Just as Christ has forgiven me of my wrong doings, I pray for that same forgiveness for not being the person I once was.  

A lifetime is an impossibly long time to wait to hold my child again (Jessica Watson).

She Called Me Grace

I made a recent visit to my family physician that I have been seeing since the age of seven years.  I wanted to meet with her so that her and I could touch base about some recent blood draws she took and to discuss what the numbers actually meant.  When she entered the room, she asked me how I was doing and what I was there to see her about.  After reading her a tremendously long list of things I wanted clarification on, she looked and me a said, "Oh, we will have to schedule a follow up appointment to discuss all of these things.  Let's start with the most important to you, and work from there. I only have twenty minutes."

She looked at my records and saw that I had not visited her since 2009, so she wasn't aware of my miscarriage or the passing of Grace. She asked me to walk me through what had happened, the care I received during my pregnancy and after both losses, and how my grieving is going.  It felt so good to be able to explain both of my journeys with her and share my heartache. She kept rubbing my leg, wiping her eyes, and truly listened to my feelings. What a blessing!

After she consoled me, she began talking about the blood tests in which she tested my folic acid and homocystein levels. After joining my Anencephaly support groups, there has been a great deal of chatter about the difference between folic acid versus folate and the MTHFR gene mutation, which as been linked to this neural tube defect.  She excused herself to obtain research and when she came back, she was just as confused since the documents used the words folic acid and folate interchangeably.

She continued on throughout my list of questions and concerns, addressing every single topic with such care and the most gentle spirit.  She ordered a laundry list of blood tests to see if there are causes for concern and  to check my hormone levels since there were issues prior to getting pregnant with Grace.  I was directed to the examining table and while she did the routine ear, mouth, and heart check, she continued to ask questions about our little sweet pea, Grace.

She helped me off the table and gave me the biggest and longest hug I have ever received. I am a sucker for a good hug! I was told that she would call me within the next day or so to inform me of the results of my tests and would send my chat to an OB/GYN that she strongly recommended.  I gathered my things and headed to an area where I waited for the lab tech to call my name.  While I sat there waiting, I pulled out my phone from my purse and glanced at it to see that I had been in her exam room for an hour and a half.  My mouth hung open as I realized she stayed with me a whole hour and ten minutes over my allotted time.  I felt tremendously horrible that other patients were held up in the waiting room, but truly felt cared for and valued as her patient.  Since my mom and I share the same doctor, I immateriality called her to tell her what she had done. We both came to the same conclusion that we are truly blessed to such a loving and caring doctor.

On the 18th, I called her office to check in with the status of my referral to her recommended OB/GYN since I missed their call while I was at school Friday.  The receptionist transferred my call to the doctor and she said, "Hello Grace!"  I smiled and said," Oh no, doctor ----, this is Jessica.  My daughter's name is Grace."  She gently laughed and responded, "Jessica, when I think of you, I think of Grace. I hope you don't mind I said that. She's one lucky [blessed] girl to have a mama that loves her so much."

She called me... Grace.

Grace!

My own daughter's name.

What an honor!  

It was evident that she listened intently the day she spent so much time with me. Talk about being blown away.  And I most certainly loved how she talked in the present tense as she spoke of my love for Grace. In fact, she nailed it on the head.  Just because Grace isn't in my arms, doesn't mean my love for her has ceased. In fact, it continues to grow stronger as each day passes.

My doctor inspired me that day. I will continue to speak her name and not feel guilty when doing so.  I will tell her story with love and passion so others understand how loved she is by her Heavenly Father.  Her name will be spoken out of love and with purpose to bring glory to His name.  Grace's name will be said because it's healing for me and makes her feel incredibly close to my heart.

Grace

Grace

Grace

Mama, loves you...

                                                           
And your little piggies!

The 18th

I've been standing strong today.  The 18th of every month has proven to be difficult, but today was a different story.  I simply love when this day falls during a weekday because my sweet girls at school always say happy anniversary to her.  It melts my heart every time.  Another reason why I enjoy it so much is because this is what I get to look at when sitting at my desk. 

Beside the picture of my adorable hubby, this picture of her and I sits high above the piles of paperwork and books on my desk.  It has to be one of my very favorites because Kelly was able to capture a truly genuine smile.  Looking at her brought me so much happiness, I couldn't help but smile.  I also enjoy looking the sweet dandelion picture that was placed in my mailbox at school by an anonymous person and the fake dandelion that Yer, one of my students, made for me.   

I always begin my day by reading the Word of the day on K-Love and the Bible app on my phone.  Since my quiet time with God is spent in the evening, I like reading these verses to keep me grounded throughout the day and my eyes fixed on Him.  Similar to the impact of listening to Christian music, I repeat these verses over and over again in my head throughout the day.  When I woke up this morning and read Psalm 46:1, which states,"God is our refuge and strength, and ever-present help in trouble," I felt the Holy Spirit literally calm my soul.  This verse helped me to remember that my strength comes from Him and He is the One I need to go to when my heart is troubled.  After I read the verse, I closed my eyes and prayed that He would be my strength today and to remind me to constantly turn to Him when I feel myself becoming weak.  God knows my heart far better than I do and I was over joyed that He walked close by me today.  Don't get me wrong.  I know He is with us all the time, but today especially, I felt Him calm my soul and bring me rest.  

My sweet Grace,

I came across this picture (below) on Pinterest again and I instantly thought of you.  I pray these things for you so that you may truly know that you were formed by God's hands and placed in this world for a purpose.  It's almost been a year since I had you in my arms.  I can't understand why it feels like just yesterday you were entering this world.  Everything is still so fresh in my mind.  I still get these phantom kicks on the side of my stomach where you rested all the time. They feel so real that it literally brings me back to the time I carried you inside of me.  And as much as I hated having to say goodbye to you, I'd give anything for that time to have you back. Even though the journey was hard, there is something about carrying a child that is life changing. It is probably the best thing I've ever experienced apart from actually giving birth and meeting Jesus face to face.  God used your life to teach me many things, beautiful.  I learned what a miracle a child is and how everything has to be so carefully woven together for a baby to be born. Hearing your heartbeat, watching you grow in size, and seeing your chubby cheeks on the ultrasound machine made me realize even more how God's hand is in every aspect of the creation of a child.  He opened my eyes and although I wish it didn't have to mean loosing you, there was a purpose to your beautiful life. I'm truly thankful for you Grace.  God knew exactly what He was doing when He created you.  Happy 10 month Heavenly Anniversary.  I love you, sweet pea!

Continuing To Write

When I first began blogging I felt as though I needed to be writing every day or else I was letting Grace down somehow.  A heavy weight rested on my shoulders if a couple days had passed and my fingertips had never grazed the keyboard. I felt some sort of an obligation to write and I never wanted to feel pressure to share our journey. Writing has been healing for me. It allows me to let out my feelings when I may have otherwise stayed silent.  And those of you who know me, know that I'm more of a listener than a talker.   Blogging has allowed me to keep others abreast of how God is working through us in this difficult time, to show others how He was carrying us and providing us strength to continue journeying through our life, and to share Grace's life with the world by bringing hope and healing to others.  

Writing on this blog has changed drastically as the school year began.  I slowly began to realize that I wasn't going to be able to document everything that was taking place in my life as a result of Grace.  I simply found that there wasn't enough time in my day to sit down at my computer and write, even though there were many stories to be told. And as my writing becomes rather sparse, the number of page visits have seemed to dwindle rather significantly.  And when I see those numbers dropping, I question whether or not it's because I'm not writing as often or are people done hearing about our little girl and the impact of her life. 

Blogging was always so strange to me.  I always felt like people just needed to go out and buy a journal to write their innermost thoughts in, surely they shouldn't be writing on the internet for the world to read.  After we found out about Grace's diagnosis, I scoured the web to find information and real life stories of families that carried their babies to term.  I began reading many blogs and following families and their journey through this diagnosis.  Each of their blogs helped me to better understand my thoughts and feelings, and in turn provided me great support. The blogs that I read inspired me to share and document our story.  Even though I wish I would have actually started writing when I set up my page shortly after her diagnosis, I've found it to help calm my soul, even almost ten months after her death.  It's like therapy to me. 

However, I don't just write for myself.  I write for people who are just beginning to walk the path that I will be on for the rest of my life.  This space in which I use to write about how this diagnosis has shaped my life and has allowed me to connect with so many other mamas that have been given the same diagnosis or have gone through miscarriages, or similar losses.   Many have written me e-mails about wanting to terminate their pregnancy and through conversing, I am able to shine His light where darkness resides.  I am able to connect these ladies to the  support groups that have brought me so much support during my grieving process.  Also, I'm able to be real and honest about the reality of what may lie ahead in their journey.  I am thankful for this opportunity and I take it very seriously!  

That is enough for me to keep writing even when I feel like no one is reading.  I will keep pushing through my thoughts and the aftermath of my grieving, so that I'm able to share Grace's story and bring glory to His name. 

I fully believe God has used Grace's life to touch others through me, and I will not let that stop because of the busyness of my life.  I am thankful for this avenue to share how God is moving in our life and for the people that are continued, faithful readers. I thank you, for taking a moment to read the words written and for getting to know my heart a little deeper.   

She Made Me...

a mama! 

Thank you, God!

Her Number

After several calls to the Social Security Administration and a trip to our local office with Grace's daddy, our sweetie pie was issued her very own number!

Last week Wednesday, I was on the phone with a lady who works in the birth registry department at the hospital I delivered Grace.  Prior to her knowing that I had just received Grace's number, she went on a rant about how babies that pass will never be issued a number due to identify theft and how ridiculous she thought that was.  You could tell I fired her up a little. She totally had my back.  I let her continue on and slightly interrupted her by saying, "It's a true blessing from God because Grace was just issued her own number!" She paused and said, "Oh my word. God is sooooo good!  This is unheard of, especially since I sent your paper work to the administration June 1st and a number was never issued. Way to fight for your little girl.  She'd be proud of you!" As I hung up the phone, all I could do was praise Him and smile from ear to ear. He never ceases to amaze me!

Thank you, God for continuing to be apart of EVERY aspect of Grace's life. You have blessed me beyond measure.  

I hope you know I'd do anything for you Grace.  A mother's love...my love, surely runs deep. I'll continue to fight for you until the day I die, sweet pea.  You are SO worth it!

I Will Rise

<3 Grace's Gerbera Daisy - The picture was taken today, 2/27/13. <3 

Nothing beats seeing your school district scroll across the television saying that it is closed due to snow.  Even though I was showered, the was coffee already brewed, and I was ready to go for the day, I did not hesitate to jump back into my warm bed for another two hours. I laid in bed as I heard my hubby roaming around the house and thought about Grace when I rolled over to look at her picture on our nightstand. I miss her.  My mind drifted to how wonderful it would have been to stay in our pajamas and spend the snow day with both of my babies.  

I will rise. 

Seeing as though I had the whole day to get things accomplished around the house, I thought I'd clean our upstairs so that we can transition it to Paul's office after it is painted.  If you've read my previous postings, you may know where this is heading.  As I was organizing the chaos upstairs, I decided I should get Grace's things is order since all of her belongings are up there as well.  I opened Grace's chest and began pouring over the heaping pile of cards that we have received since the day of her diagnosis.  I came across this beautiful pink card that read, " Remembering the girl you were...Celebrating the women you've become."  I knew it had to be from my mama since there was a picture of a girl in her mother's arms on the cover.  When I opened it up to continue reading, I saw, "Feeling so blessed to have you for a daughter.  Happy Mother's Day."  As the tears begin to trickle down my face, I began to read the scripture of Philippians 4:13 she hand wrote and her beautiful message.  Among many other things she wrote, I saw, "I have been brought closer to God through your journey, which I believe is a part of the plan in your, Paul, and Grace's life. You have taken care of your little girl like God has asked you!"  What a wonderful message to read! I continue to thank Him daily for blessing us with Grace and allowing others, including myself, to draw closer to Him because of her. I know that with my strength alone, I couldn't have done what I did for my girl; to carry her knowing she was going to die in the end.  I'm not going to lie and say that it was an easy path to walk down. There were many times I thought I was slipping into depression, but He was the one to pick me up, dust me off, and put me back on my own two feet.  I had a daughter to care for that was growing inside of me.   He trusted me enough to carry her and I didn't want to fail him.. or her while she was with us.  I pray that they both knew how much I tried to care for her and show her my love while she was alive.  

I will rise. 

While I was still upstairs going through Grace's things, my phone rang in a way that indicated that it was a text message.  The message was from my friend Lisa.  It read, "I'm printing a picture of you and Grace and putting it in Naomi's album so that she will know Grace's story and that mamas do whatever it takes for their babies."  It was the most perfect message to read and something that I really needed to hear, especially when I had been feeling down all day.  I know that message was all God. He placed it on Lisa's heart to send me a message because He knew how I was feeling and how it would build me up. And boy did it work! To hear that she's sharing Gracie's story with her own daughter and instilling the trait of perseverance in her made me smile from ear to ear.  Lisa is such a great mama and a terrific friend!  

I will rise. 

Nine months after her birth, her Gerbera daisy still blooms, and continues to bud in a pair.  Do you see the little one growing on the side of the larger one?  One always legs behind in growth, but there's always two together and that makes me smile.  I can't help but think of my posting several months ago about her flower and the one I just wrote entitled "The Perfect Pair." Jesus and Grace, the perfect pair indeed!  Nine months after her birth and I still long to have her in my arms.  I'm pretty certain that feeling will never subside.  And even though I'm able to laugh and smile again, there's still a broken heart under it all. Life has to continue on, and as much as I wish time would have stopped on May 18th at 12:18 forever, I know that there will be a time where I will get to hold Grace and my first baby in my arms because of  Jesus's death on the cross.  And when that happens, I will look at them both in the eyes and tell each of them over and over how much I love them.  I look forward to that day for many reasons.  It surely can't come soon enough.  But until then...

I will rise

Out of these ashes, rise

From this trouble I have found

And this rubble on the ground

I will rise 

Cause He Who is in Me 

Is greater than I will ever be 

And I will rise. 

Still holding on to what I know is true, Grace.  I WILL see you again someday.  I will continue to praise the One who fearfully and wonderfully created you and I won't EVER stop professing my faith in Him.  I love you, my sweet angel.  

What I Wouldn't Give

What I wouldn't give to have my arms filled with her again...

The Perfect Pair

Grace's 9 month anniversary was Monday.  I sat in an empty house flooded with emotion.  On my bed I sat with her ashes nestled in my lap and I wept.  I poured over her pictures of her birth and simply smiled. The realization hit again that God surely blessed us with an incredible baby girl.  A girl who will constantly remind me of His faithfulness.  As each month passes, I wonder who she'd be today, what new things she'd be learning or trying to do, and I find myself  lost in a sea of sadness. I often question whether this will ever get easier.

I never imagined all the hurt that would come of Grace's diagnosis and passing.  The pain isn't just there because we chose to carry her to term.  I often feel like people get the impression that I did this to myself.  No matter if we decided to end our girl's life at 19 weeks or carried her until God called her home, the pain would still exist.  Trust me, I am friends with nearly 2,000 ladies in my support groups that have walked down my path or the path of termination, and EVERY ONE says it's difficult.

I'm thankful for having family and friends that continue to support me.  It tends to make the sting of another month of her not in my arms a little easier.  My dear friend Michelle always reminds me that she's dancing with Jesus.  Her gentle words always seem to calm my soul and her sweet messages allow me to picture Grace completely healthy while enjoying her stay with her Savior.

Every month, the three girls I teach in the morning are the ones to create our calendar that stays on our white board throughout the month.  When they first arrived in my classroom, the didn't know the months of the year or the days of the week.  It brings a smile to my face when they take the marker out of my hand to work their magic and spell the words independently.  It never fails. As we work our way through the month to list important dates, Grace's heavenly birthday is ALWAYS displayed on the board.  They don't tip toe around my feelings because they think mentioning it may hurt me.  I'm sure by the huge smile on my face every month that they know it brings me such joy to see her name written on that board.  And when the 18th arrives, my little sweetheart, Yer, gives me a big ole' hug and reminds me that I will see her again. Ironically enough, whenever I say Grace's name, Yer pauses and says, "Jesus?"  Gosh, I love her. We giggle together and I always tell her that I think Jesus and Grace are the perfect pair and I wouldn't want her with anyone else.  Jesus...written all over Grace's beautiful life.. THE PERFECT PAIR indeed.

                                     
Death has been swallowed up in victory.

Where, O death, is your victory.  Where, O death, is your sting?

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law.  But thanks be to God!  He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.  

1 Corinthaians 15: 54-57

Eternally Loved

I had the honor of helping my niece, Emily, decorate a shirt for her 100th day of school while I was at my parent’s house Sunday.  My sister-in-law, Emily, mom, and I sat around the kitchen table and glued 100 little hearts onto her white shirt.  She was very meticulous in her precise placement of her little hearts and giggled as my we burnt our poor fingers on the hot glue.  Emily had purchased glow-in-the dark puffy paint and decided to add the additional “cool factor” to the back of her shirt.  The three adults attempted to coach her into planning out her design prior to her dumping the glue on the shirt.  There was no reasoning with this sweet child.  She was determined and had me smiling the entire time as her creativity poured out.  Since the back of the shirt was turning into a big blob of glue, I decided that it was about time to help prepare dinner for my mama’s birthday.  After I took out the vegetables from the refrigerator, washed the produce, and began cutting away, I looked up to see Emily’s sweet statement of love for her cousin Grace.  She had me in tears…two times that day! 

When Paul and I entered the house that day, Emily ran up to me and shouted, “I have something for you and Grace.”  I just love how she speaks of Grace… like she’s alive (oh how I wish that were the case) and it gives me goose bumps up and down my body.  After she dug around under my parent’s dining room table, she came up with four Valentine’s Day cards for the both of us.  She continues to melt my heart and never ceases to amaze me.  The connection she shares with Grace is beyond comprehension.  The bond that was formed when Grace was in my womb has carried even after almost nine months of her passing.  Blessed is an understatement when it comes to describing my feelings towards my precious Emily.  She has helped me heal from her passing in more ways than one and continues to remind me Grace isn’t forgotten.  I thank Him daily for the bond… the cousin bond that was formed between the two of them.  I’m sure Gracie is smiling down and watching over her loving cousin.  Grace is pretty darn blessed to have a cousin like Emily! 

On a day in which we profess our love for the ones in our lives, I'm reminded by the greatest, most perfect and unfailing love of all...the love of our Savior.  We love today because He first loved us (1 John 4:19). If you don't have a special someone in your life on this Hallmark holiday, remember that you are dearly loved by a Savior that paid the price for you on the cross.  You are loved far more by Him than any earthly being.  

Happy Valentine's Day, sweet Grace.  Mama loves you to the moon and back! Xoxo

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.  1 Corinthians 13:7