I didn't personally know Amanda at the time when she contacted me on my Facebook account. She explained that she had come across my blog and was going to be writing a series on miscarriage and infant loss for her blog and was curious if Paul and I would be willing to share our story. Through many messages back and forth, we realized we had a mutual friend in common and I had begun to understand the pain she experienced though her miscarriage as well.
Amanda sent me a series of questions to get Paul and I thinking about our entry. There were many...many times that Paul and I sat down to write and I was flooded with such raw emotions that I had to stop and come back another day. Amanda received several messages asking when we needed our writing completed because I literally couldn't see the keys on our laptop from all the tears streaming down my face every single time we wrote together.
There were many questions I grappled with because I felt like both of our losses were much different. When I miscarried in 2010, I was crushed beyond belief. I was told from countless people that, "it happens all the time," which made me feel like I shouldn't have been feeling the way I was feeling. I felt like I never was able to grieve the loss of my first baby. Nevertheless, after hours of reflection, I realized that the little life whose heart stopped beating at 6 weeks in the womb was just as important as the life that rested in our arms for those two hours. Grace didn't make me a mama, so to speak...our first baby did. I struggled with that thought for some time because I didn't understand why I didn't feel that way before. After spending a great deal of time praying and thinking, I realized that I felt Grace truly made me a mother because I was gifted full-term pregnancy with her and the ability to deliver her into this world. As I was trying to understand my feelings about this thought that was held captive in my mind, one of my friends posted this quote below on my Facebook wall. It literally brought me to tears. It didn't matter which baby made me a mother. I am a mother to two beautiful children in Heaven. Even if I can't physically see them here on Earth, I know they existed and am certain they are safe in His keeping. Motherhood...what a blessing.
Sitting down and discussing what the two of us were going to write was the first time I felt like we truly poured our hearts out about our losses. Since Grace's passing, we have never dedicated solid periods of time to discuss our journey and grief. We'd sit and talk about the topic here and there, but never set aside time in our schedules for it. It is a priority for us now because we have witnessed the impact from writing this entry. It has in turn provided us the avenue to be more open and transparent about what's being laid on our hearts. I never knew some of the things his heart felt throughout our journey and it has helped me to better understand the differences in our coping/grieving.
I truly feel that this opportunity was a blessing from God. Although it was difficult to write at times, seeing the impact on my heart and Paul's, and our marriage has been truly remarkable. Also, I have received several personal e-mails and messages about my blog from complete strangers that have shared how Grace's story has impacted their lives. Some have wrote telling us how neat it is to see God written all over her life and they shared how they have never heard of anencephaly and have now been made aware of this condition. These were some of main reasons why I started to write in honor of my girl. What a blessing!
Please visit Amanda's series of Grief to Glory where Paul and I share Grace's story and our journey through our losses.
Thank you, God, for continuing to place others in my life so Grace's story can be shared and heard. Thank you for blessing us with Amanda and for placing it on her heart to share the heartache and pain of miscarriage and infant loss. I pray, Lord, that you may use the entries in her series to bring understanding to the topic, but also comfort to those experiencing a loss or having walked a similar path.
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