I Will Rise

<3 Grace's Gerbera Daisy - The picture was taken today, 2/27/13. <3 

Nothing beats seeing your school district scroll across the television saying that it is closed due to snow.  Even though I was showered, the was coffee already brewed, and I was ready to go for the day, I did not hesitate to jump back into my warm bed for another two hours. I laid in bed as I heard my hubby roaming around the house and thought about Grace when I rolled over to look at her picture on our nightstand. I miss her.  My mind drifted to how wonderful it would have been to stay in our pajamas and spend the snow day with both of my babies.  

I will rise. 

Seeing as though I had the whole day to get things accomplished around the house, I thought I'd clean our upstairs so that we can transition it to Paul's office after it is painted.  If you've read my previous postings, you may know where this is heading.  As I was organizing the chaos upstairs, I decided I should get Grace's things is order since all of her belongings are up there as well.  I opened Grace's chest and began pouring over the heaping pile of cards that we have received since the day of her diagnosis.  I came across this beautiful pink card that read, " Remembering the girl you were...Celebrating the women you've become."  I knew it had to be from my mama since there was a picture of a girl in her mother's arms on the cover.  When I opened it up to continue reading, I saw, "Feeling so blessed to have you for a daughter.  Happy Mother's Day."  As the tears begin to trickle down my face, I began to read the scripture of Philippians 4:13 she hand wrote and her beautiful message.  Among many other things she wrote, I saw, "I have been brought closer to God through your journey, which I believe is a part of the plan in your, Paul, and Grace's life. You have taken care of your little girl like God has asked you!"  What a wonderful message to read! I continue to thank Him daily for blessing us with Grace and allowing others, including myself, to draw closer to Him because of her. I know that with my strength alone, I couldn't have done what I did for my girl; to carry her knowing she was going to die in the end.  I'm not going to lie and say that it was an easy path to walk down. There were many times I thought I was slipping into depression, but He was the one to pick me up, dust me off, and put me back on my own two feet.  I had a daughter to care for that was growing inside of me.   He trusted me enough to carry her and I didn't want to fail him.. or her while she was with us.  I pray that they both knew how much I tried to care for her and show her my love while she was alive.  

I will rise. 

While I was still upstairs going through Grace's things, my phone rang in a way that indicated that it was a text message.  The message was from my friend Lisa.  It read, "I'm printing a picture of you and Grace and putting it in Naomi's album so that she will know Grace's story and that mamas do whatever it takes for their babies."  It was the most perfect message to read and something that I really needed to hear, especially when I had been feeling down all day.  I know that message was all God. He placed it on Lisa's heart to send me a message because He knew how I was feeling and how it would build me up. And boy did it work! To hear that she's sharing Gracie's story with her own daughter and instilling the trait of perseverance in her made me smile from ear to ear.  Lisa is such a great mama and a terrific friend!  

I will rise. 

Nine months after her birth, her Gerbera daisy still blooms, and continues to bud in a pair.  Do you see the little one growing on the side of the larger one?  One always legs behind in growth, but there's always two together and that makes me smile.  I can't help but think of my posting several months ago about her flower and the one I just wrote entitled "The Perfect Pair." Jesus and Grace, the perfect pair indeed!  Nine months after her birth and I still long to have her in my arms.  I'm pretty certain that feeling will never subside.  And even though I'm able to laugh and smile again, there's still a broken heart under it all. Life has to continue on, and as much as I wish time would have stopped on May 18th at 12:18 forever, I know that there will be a time where I will get to hold Grace and my first baby in my arms because of  Jesus's death on the cross.  And when that happens, I will look at them both in the eyes and tell each of them over and over how much I love them.  I look forward to that day for many reasons.  It surely can't come soon enough.  But until then...

I will rise

Out of these ashes, rise

From this trouble I have found

And this rubble on the ground

I will rise 

Cause He Who is in Me 

Is greater than I will ever be 

And I will rise. 

Still holding on to what I know is true, Grace.  I WILL see you again someday.  I will continue to praise the One who fearfully and wonderfully created you and I won't EVER stop professing my faith in Him.  I love you, my sweet angel.