When my mom and I went to pick up her ashes at the funeral home, there was a beautiful pink rose bush right as you entered/exited the doors. Even though part of me didn't want to pick roses off the bush due to it being somewhat rude, I deeply desired my girl to have flowers on top of her wooden box. Ironically enough, I've never been one to like the color pink. I always thought it was so cliche to buy baby girls everything in pink. How boring! The moment we heard we were having a girl, my heart instantly changed. I purchased a pink fleece jacket, all her blankets were pink, her dress and outfit my mom and I purchased her was pink, and my toes were painted pink the day of her birth. Now, I simply love the color pink! As we walked passed the bush on the way out of the funeral home, I looked at my mom and stopped dead in my tracks. I smiled and said, "Let's pick some for her." With delight in her eyes, she dug her fingernail deep into the stem of three beautiful roses and set them on top of her box nestled in my arms.
When I saw this daisy at Pick N Save, I instantly grinned, thought of my little beauty, and remembered it was Friday. Since I've gone back to work, the hustle and bustle of my everyday life keeps me from doing many of the things I loved doing during my summer break. That was the last day that I've treated her to something special. I feel horrible for that. Since then, her daisy was placed in a larger container and set on the front porch. Every time I pulled in and out of our driveway, I saw her beautiful flower growing away and it made me smile. She's home - in heaven, in our home, and in my heart forever!
After planting her flower in a new container, it began to grow before my eyes. Every time new buds would form, two daisies would spring up at the same time, every time. They were beautiful, pink, and reminded me of my daughter awaiting my arrival in heaven. As the crisp autumn air arrived, I knew my flowers around the yard were surely going to die off. I awoke one brisk morning this month to find all my annuals dead before my eyes. I was very disappointed that my yard would no longer be filled with such vibrant color and I knew that meant Grace's daisy would be dead too. As I approached my front porch in anticipation, I began to pray. Lord, I'm not ready for her flower to be gone...not yet! Please allow me to delight in the beauty you've created for a little while longer. I turned the corner of our house and there it was...alive and as beautiful as ever. Two pink daisies stood tall and two buds were forming below. Isn't her flower a beautiful sight?
Since the weather continues to grow colder, I've decided that I will bring her plant inside throughout the night. I know our Lord has a sense of humor, but I'm sure the request of keeping Grace's flower alive may become a little redundant. Is it strange that I look at this Gerbera daisy and can't help but praise God? Every time I gaze at this flower with the two daisy heads standing straight, I think of her standing tall next to her Lord and Savior. I think of a sweet little girl with her hands raised high, worshiping the One that has loved her with everlasting love; the One that has been faithful and continues to be each and every day.
I think about the fact that her flower should have died and began to wither away just as my other annual flowers had that night. But it didn't! It was ALIVE, just as He is! Throughout this journey, I often felt like I was going to wither away and die - spiritually, physically, and emotionally. I didn't know how I was going to make it four months knowing my arms would remain empty in the end. There were times I was ready to give up, to throw in the towel, to call it quits. I often felt like the darkness was caving in and I wasn't going to make it. My Lord continued to remind me that He knows the plans for us...for Paul, Grace, and me. He has plans that will prosper us, not harm us. Plans that will bring us hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). He continued to surprise me by the peace, joy, and steadfast love that I felt each and every day prior, during, and after her birth. He showed that carrying my daughter was not a burden because of her "incompatible with life" diagnosis, but that I was especially chosen to carry her for a reason - a reason I may not know on this side of heaven. He helped me to see that I was to embrace each and every day of her life inside of me and to think of it as a gift only from Him. I took on that honor on with great pride and joy. My Father never ceases to amaze me! He always sweetly whispers in my ear that He's got me and will not let me wither away...ever! He's got me, he's got her, and he's got YOU wrapped in His sweet embrace.
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