It's been a rough couple of weeks. I'm having a hard time understanding my hurt inside. Just when I feel like moving ahead, I get blind sided by a wave of grief. I feel like I am deemed a total freak since I still have days that I cry and struggle to get out of bed. I still get the long stare from Paul as he tries to figure out if the black mascara running down my face is actually from crying or just rubbing my face.
I never imagined all the emotions and feelings that would surface from this journey. Paul and I are learning quickly that we are having a difficult time understanding how each other is coping with our loss. Men and women grieve very differently...as we do everything else in this world. He doesn't understand my need to talk about her...all the time, buy things in remembrance of her, and read books/blogs about other women's stories. He feels that I'm not moving forward and that I'm not joyous about her being in a better place. I don't understand his desire not to talk about her, to not want things around our house to remember we have a daughter, and why I'd give anything for her to in my arms again...healed and healthy and not where she currently is.
Out of several books or blogs I've read, it seems like the topic of a struggling marriage after a loss is somewhat taboo. The authors always seem to dance around the topic of what a marriage endures. And I fully understand that the reason these authors, mainly women, probably never share such intimate details is because a marriage should have privacy. I'm the first to say that I am very closed off about what goes on between Paul if I don't really know the person I'm talking to. But at the same time, if no one is ever willing to talk about how difficult it is, people will feel like they are the only ones having a hard time.
My marriage with Paul is by no means ending or in troubled waters...for those of you that are concerned. There are areas (as does any couple) that are needing improvement. In fact, I fully believe that through the birth and loss of our beautiful daughter, I have let down many walls that I've had up over the years. And even though I am able to open up about how I'm feeling about certain things, that still doesn't mean I know how to communicate well with him. Through many conversations with my dear friends, I'm learning that there is an art to this whole communication thing and that we have a lot of work ahead of ourselves. We are both invested in our marriage and have communicated several times about seeking out Christian counseling. I'm eager to see our relationship transform into understanding and for us both to grow and heal together.
God has got His perfect grip on us. He has not forsaken us and I'm certain He will walk with us as we learn to better our marriage...for Him and ourselves. I don't believe for one second that God would include a failed marriage in his plan with Grace. I fully believe with my whole heart that He brought us together. And as a result, He has given us one incredible testimony to his faithfulness as we walk through our valley. His will for our lives is unknown, but I'm thankful for this union and the greatest blessing he has bestowed upon us...our daughter, Grace. Even though we may go through hard times together as a married couple as a result to her birth/death, she's worth it all!
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