My Friday With Grace

No joke, shortly after parent-teacher conferences every single year, I get sick. I thought maybe this year would be different since I don't have a homeroom where I have to meet 26 families.  I woke up yesterday feeling really lousy...stuffy nose, scratchy throat, and sooo tired!  As the day progressed, my throat started to hurt more and more...to the point I couldn't swallow.  If you know me, you'd know that I don't do well when I'm sick.  Colds literally kick my butt!  After four years of marriage, my originally "suck it up" hubby, has come around to understand that just doesn't work with me.  He treats me like my mom and dad did when I was little and it makes me feel so loved!  Sometimes, I still wish I could be at home (my parent's home..always my home) when I don't feel well.  There is something about my mother/father's care that made me feel so much better.  I only hope one day I can provide that feeling to our kids. 

When 5:15am rolled around this morning, I woke up, felt even worse and knew I wouldn't be able to function at school.  Most importantly, I didn't want to spread whatever I had to my beautiful kids at school.  I haven't moved from my room all day!  Yes, I slept the day away, but I got to spend it in the presence of my sweet Gracie. Her ashes still rest in the wonderfully made wooden container her daddy made for her.  They rest on a dresser on our room next to the teddy bear her cousin, Emily, gave her.  I used to bring her ashes out into the living room every morning so she wasn't 'alone' all day. Ever since I went back to work, I realized she'd be in an empty home all day long...every day.  I know, she's really not 'alone', because she's physically is in the presence of her Creator, but her ashes would left in our empty house and I never liked that much. I'm sure people would think I fell off the deep end if I brought them with me to school every day.  I really don't think I'm ever going to be able to part with her ashes not resting in our bedroom.  Paul had such a great idea of putting them under a tree on our land where our future kids could play in their tree house or he could hunt.  Seeing her resting place on our dresser brings me so much healing and gives me sense of peace knowing she is so close home.  

Unlike most Fridays when I'm busy at work, I only get to spend time with her for a short while. Today was much different. Her ashes were with me all day and I loved every moment, despite how I've been feeling.  Besides looking at her pictures, I love praying over her ashes and telling her how much I love her.  I hope she knows my love for her.  I hope she knows I'd do anything for her and I'd give my life for her.  

As we approach her 6 month birthday in heaven and we reach another milestone in her passing, I find myself not as down in the dumps as I have been in the past.  Praise be to Him!  But, that doesn't mean I don't miss her any less. I just think that God is filling my void of loneliness and missing her so much. I've already received a lovely call from my dear friend, Michelle, acknowledging the date already.  I can't even begin to tell you how much that warmed my heart! Her call told me that she understands that the date could be rough (she loves me) and that my daughter continues to leave her mark in this world.  I'd like to do something special for her on Sunday.  So, as I continue to veg out in my bed, my mind will be thinking about her 1/2 birthday and what we can do to celebrate her time spent with Jesus.

             Thank you to Lisa, from my Anencephaly support group, for making this beautiful picture! <3