A Rough Road Ahead

I haven't been looking forward to this time of year and I'm dreading the coming months even more.  Fall is one of my favorite seasons due to the beautiful turning leaves and the crisp autumn air.  I'm continuously reminded of His beauty and awesome power to create such a magnificent place.  I can only imagine seeing God face to face and discovering what heaven will look like if I think this place is considered to be beautiful.

For the past two years in a row, I discovered I was pregnant during the fall season.  I've been fervent in prayer and hoping that it would be the third time. Perhaps that's why I've been really struggling lately.  I know that my God has a plan for me and He knows my heart far greater than I do.  Maybe I'm not as ready to begin this next endeavor as I thought I was and He is well aware of that.  He knows I need to be further healed.  But the thing is, I'm not sure I will ever will be healed completely.  Can you blame me? As each day passes, I miss her more and more.  And that popular saying that goes something like, "Time heals all wounds," isn't applying to much to me.  Five months have gone by and my broken heart seems to shatter into more and more pieces. Yes, time will move on, and God will continue to mend this broken heart of mine, but there will always be something missing.  Something that I will never get back until my time has come to an end. And then all the pain and hurt I’ve felt here, won’t exist. I long for that day for so many reasons.     

I think that a lot of what I’m experiencing is feeling so alone in my grief.  I’ve read about this ‘feeling’ from other ladies that have walked my path before and I never understood it…until now.  I think a big part of why this journey is so hard is because people don’t understand how I could be feeling.  Sometimes my own husband doesn't "get it" even though he has endured the same loss.  Many individuals in my life have never walked the journey of loosing a child, so I don't expect them to understand what emotions are associated with this.  Losing a child that you've carried for nine months and held in your arms is far different than grieving the loss of a grandparent and no one will ever get that until they've walked this same exact path.  Which of course, I would never wish upon anyone. 

It seems as the months continue to pass by, the less and less Grace is brought up and conversation of how we are doing.  My mom continues to tell me that people just don’t know what to say or that they don’t want to hurt me by bringing the topic up.  And I continue to thank God for those moments when people may step out on limb and ask, how are you doing? I rejoiced over that simple, yet sometimes difficult question this weekend when my brother’s sister-in-law, Claudette, asked me how I was while all the kids were getting ready to go trick-or-treating.  Just as I was sitting at the kitchen table, wondering what Gracie would have been dressed up as and tears beginning to swell in my eyes, she walked over.  She put her arms around me and asked, “How are you doing?”  I can’t even remember the last time I saw Claudette, but she asked. I thank Him for allowing her to ask such a difficult question when she doesn’t know what response she will receive in return.  It showed me that she cared.  What I love most is that she did it, even if it was hard on her part. She did what she could do and it filled my heart with joy.

I'm not sure what these next two months are going to hold for me as more holidays are quickly approaching. I can only imagine Grace looking down as each tear trickles off my face, knowing that everything is glorious where she is.  Her stocking with her name embroidered on it will be hung proudly on our china cabinet, along with her first Christmas ornament on our tree.  Even though her stocking will never be filled, she continues to hold a place in our family, just as any other child would.  And as much as I'd like to send our our very first photo Christmas card with a picture of Grace and Jesus in resting manger, with James 1:17 (Every good and precious gift comes from above) written in beautiful script font...it's not going to happen.  I was reminded by someone that "people don't want to see a picture of a dead baby. That will just result in them being sad and depressed." And perhaps that individual is right.  So maybe when my child isn't "dead," I'll get to send those beautiful Christmas cards out for everyone to see a healthy baby because they are "a better sight to see." My skin is growing thicker, but my once beautifully (okay maybe not so beautiful) shaped heart that was torn into pieces, is now fading into dust.

Please join me in prayer as the holidays approach.  I need His strength and comfort above else, because I feel like it's going to be a rough road ahead. 


Grace,
I'm missing you like crazy, sweetie pie.  Even though this journey of missing you grows more and more each day, I would NEVER change our decision of having you and getting to hold your sweet body in our arms.  You were perfect...and still are!  Thank you for allowing me to be a mama, sugar.  I feel like I have a slight understanding of what God felt like when He sent His Son to die for you and me on that cross...it's a love I have never felt before. I thank Him and you for allowing me to experience that.  Loving you always, my beautiful daughter!