Sunday, March 24, 2013

A Voice To Express My Heart

I've never been good expressing myself. My words fall extremely short when I'm writing and I tend to me more of a listener in conversations than the speaker.  After talking to four people this week about this very topic, all of them informed me that I'm not exactly an "open book" and tend to focus on how the other person is doing rather than how I am doing. I really don't like conversations to be centered on me, and so I genuinely try to be the first to ask a question in regards to the other person.  And when a question is brought up about myself, I brush everything under the rug and give the, "Oh, everything's okay," line to direct the attention away from me. One of my many short comings lie in the area of being able to tell people how I'm truly feeling.  Just ask my husband what we struggle with in our marriage. I know this will be the first things that comes out of his mouth.  I bottle up my hurt because I don't want to "cause drama" or better yet, allow the other person to hurt or feel down because of my struggles.  This has caused great pain in my life because of my lack of expression and opening up.  Thick walls have been created and in turn I've even pushed people away...even Paul.    

Likewise, I've never been good at telling people what I need.  Loosing Grace has complicated this even more. Looking back, I wish I would have called out to God and asked Him to bless me with a voice throughout this journey.  A voice to confidently express myself without feeling shameful or needy.  I've begun this very prayer recently because a great friend of mine reminded me this week that I'll be carrying her life and passing with me for the rest of my life and that I need to let others in because they want to help.  I know that God is my ultimate provider of my every need, but there are times when you need those closest to you to be there in support. 

After prayer, conversation with other baby loss mamas, and careful consideration to my true needs, I think many of us that have walked or are walking down this path of loss would agree that these are some of the things we need our would appreciate from our greatest supporters in life...


- I need to say her name.  
I pray that there will come a time where Grace's name does not radiate death and heartache, but an eternal life spent with Jesus. I pray that there will be a time when her name won't make other people feel uncomfortable or bring them to tears.  Saying Grace's name is extremely healing to me.  Please don't deprive me of this! 

- I need someone to ask me how I'm doing and want to know the real, honest answer. 
The loss of a child isn't easy, no matter how long he/she lived. I feel like society teaches us to move on and get on with life even though there is hurt that still resides within that person. There are times where I wish I could be "real" and express my hurt inside without the conversation being quickly changed to something else because of the topic. Contrary to what some may think, it is healing to talk about our child and the avenue to do so, is appreciated.  

- I need her life to be included in the count of children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews.  
Even though Grace is not crawling around on the carpet, holding her own bottle, or learning to talk, she still was our child and still holds a very special place in our hearts.  I feel like I die inside over and over again when her life isn't remembered in the count of the living children here on earth.  Just because my grandma passed away, doesn't mean I don't count her as one of my grandparents.  Why would we do the opposite to a child? I carried her for nine months, gave birth to her like every other mama, and we held her in our arms.  Grace's life may have been brief, but it matters and counts just as the other children.  

- I need care and gentleness with announcements of pregnancies, showers, and child births.
Both announcements of my pregnancies surely didn't turn out as I had hoped and as a result, my heart is more than tattered from my experiences   Although I've learned what Romans 12:15 (rejoice with those who rejoice) means throughout this journey, it doesn't make the hurt any easier.  Instead of Grace's life inside of me being celebrated and showered, we were planning for her passing...funeral expenses, death certificates etc.  I am truly happy for all my family members and friends that are blessed to experience the journey of pregnancy, but it's hard to be around when I carried my daughter, but never was able to receive the joy and experience of being showered like a new mother should be. Perhaps that's selfish, but I wish more than ever that I got to build/set up her crib, decorate a nursery, register for baby things, and bring home a healthy newborn baby, instead of building her a wooden box to be set in for the rest of time. A "handle with care sticker" should be sewn to my chest. 

- I need understanding and grace when being around newborns and distancing myself from them.  
I simply cannot bring myself to hold another baby in my arms.  I'm not at the stage in my grief where I could do this and not cry.  When I see a newborn, tears swell in my eyes, and I literally try to escape from the situation.  I try to run from the hurt that I still feel inside, from the aching arms that still exist, and the piece of me that will always be missing.  I pray that I will eventually get to the point where this won't be hard on me, but right now, it still is.  I pray that our friends do not take this personally.  I had no idea that when we chose to carry her, this would be an outcome to her passing.  I truly thank those that have been understanding through this whole process and are continuing to bless us with grace. 

- I need kindness and support on anniversaries and birthdays.  
Some anniversaries of her passing are better than others, but the constant support I receive from those around has been a huge factor in helping my grieving....the calls, the text messages, the pictures of dandelions, and Bible verses that are being prayed over us are constant support measures that undoubtedly help month after month.  I recently read an e-book on how to help a friend through the loss of a child, and showing support on these days have shown to help women all over the world that are grieving the loss of a child.  This has helped me significantly and after speaking to many other women, showing support on these days makes them a lot less painful.  

-I need forgiveness for not being the wife, daughter, sister, and friend I used to be. 
The death of Grace has changed me and my view on life. I'm not who I used to be by a long shot and I appreciate those who understand and have walked alongside of me in light of these changes. I also appreciate those who love me and have accepted the "new me,"  regardless of how I have changed. I'm not perfect and I fall short daily. Just as Christ has forgiven me of my wrong doings, I pray for that same forgiveness for not being the person I once was.  


A lifetime is an impossibly long time to wait to hold my child again (Jessica Watson).


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