May: A Bittersweet Month

It's May. 

18 days away from Grace's one year spent with Jesus. (Sigh)

I wish more than ever that I was able to write, 18 days away from her first birthday.  For as long as I live, I will always have to say, "Grace would have been ... years old." I hate that more than ever. 

This month will ALWAYS remind me how wonderful it felt to bring a child into this world and to know joy and love in a ways that I never thought were possible. On the other hand, it also reminds me of sheer pain, sadness, and hurt. Watching my child gasp for air and shake in my very own arms because she was going into cardiac arrest has crushed me beyond belief. Having to say goodbye to a little girl that stole my heart long before she was conceived was far more difficult that I could have ever imagined. 

I've been dreading for this month for some time now. I always envisioned the turning of May to be rather difficult on me emotionally.  It's amazing to me that through this whole journey, I continue to assume that certain milestones will be difficult. It's as though I begin doubting God's amazing strength and courage He blesses me with every single time.  However, God ALWAYS shows me that He has a different plan in mind.  

I woke up this morning feeling so alive in Him.  I read my devotional that focused on Proverbs 3: 5-6 (Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, but in all ways, submit to him, and he will make your paths straight) and I couldn't have felt His sweet embrace any more.  I walked out my backdoor to hear a beautiful cardinal singing away.  I traveled to school with my windows down and praised Him while singing along to K-LOVE.  All of these things, among many others throughout the day, were reminders that our God is so good! He took the pain and heartache away and allowed me to look at the beauty that has come from Grace's life.  He has surely turned my mourning into dancing! 

I am so excited to celebrate our sweet girl's life this month.  On the 18th, we will be celebrating her eternal life with family and friends that have walked with us during our journey.  Every other day until the 18th, I will be doing something small to remember the time we spent with her.  I will continue to update the different things her daddy and I do to honor her life.