His Light Still Shines

It hasn’t felt right to blog since the tragedy that took place last week Friday.  My heart was really heavy for the grief, pain, and the hurt that the families of CT were experiencing.  My heart continues to break over and over again after I watch the news reports. Seeing every single one of those precious faces continues to bring me to tears.  These beautiful souls were called home far too early.  Jesus greeted way too many angels in eternity, but I believe it was the best welcome home that anyone could possibly receive.  I am trusting that those souls are in the arms of Jesus, their Savior, and are truly free from pain and suffering. 

Not to lessen what happened with our sweet Grace, but writing about my journey didn't seem appropriate.  My sweet baby died peacefully in the arms of her daddy, and it has brought me more pain then I could have imagined.  God continues to pour out one blessing after another, even when I am hurting, and that is something that I need to be more thankful for.  We live in a fallen world that desperately needs Jesus Christ.  What occurred was pure evil and it was done by someone that was living in darkness.  I’m sure many people question why God, someone that is supposed to be “good,” would allow something like this to happen. I fully believe God gave us a free will.  By having free will, the devil is able to easily enter and corrupt our thinking.  And even though most people will just see the darkness in this horrible tragedy, I have been blown away by His light that is shinning through. His light ALWAYS shines...even when great pain and suffering are occurring.  Is it just me or is there an outpouring of people willing and wanting to donate their time, their money, and their effort, in order to bring comfort to the people of Newtown? If we look, and we don't have to look very hard, we can see Him and His light...even in the midst of horrific violence.

 twas' 11 days before Christmas, around 9:38
when 20 beautiful children stormed through heaven's gate.
their smiles were contagious, their laughter filled the air.
they could hardly believe all the beauty they saw there.
they were filled with such joy, they didn't know what to say.

they remembered nothing of what had happened earlier that day.
"where are we?" asked a little girl, as quiet as a mouse.
"this is heaven." declared a small boy. "we're spending Christmas at God's house."
when what to their wondering eyes did appear,
but Jesus, their savior, the children gathered near.
He looked at them and smiled, and they smiled just the same.
then He opened His arms and He called them by name.
and in that moment was joy, that only heaven can bring
those children all flew into the arms of their King
and as they lingered in the warmth of His embrace,
one small girl turned and looked at Jesus' face.
and as if He could read all the questions she had
He gently whispered to her, "I'll take care of mom and dad."
then He looked down on earth, the world far below
He saw all of the hurt, the sorrow, and woe
then He closed His eyes and He outstretched His hand,
"Let My power and presence re-enter this land!"
"may this country be delivered from the hands of fools"
"I'm taking back my nation. I'm taking back my schools!"
then He and the children stood up without a sound.
"come now my children, let me show you around."
excitement filled the space, some skipped and some ran.
all displaying enthusiasm that only a small child can.
and i heard Him proclaim as He walked out of sight,
"in the midst of this darkness, I AM STILL THE LIGHT."

Written by Cameo Smith

Despite that the month of December has caused me great pain and sadness the past two years, I know that I have much to be thankful for.  You see, two years ago, on December 15th is when I miscarried our first baby.  I was 12 weeks along when I lost him/her, but Baby Morris (always wished we would have named him/her) had stopped growing at 6 weeks.  Some may say that our baby wasn't even a baby at that point, and the feeling of loss shouldn't be there...and I totally disagree.  We prayed so hard for that little being and feel in love with him/her well before we even knew we were pregnant.  Paul and I felt so blessed when my pregnancy test(s) read positive.  And even before one knows they are pregnant so much development is taking place that it is mind boggling.  We didn't know this at the time, but before a woman even knows she is  pregnant is when the neural tube closes for the formation of the skull and brain.  How is that NOT a baby?  Going through something as painful (both physically and emotionally) as that scarred the month of December for me.  Looking back though, I saw His light shining brightly.  My mom was out of town on business, but my dad rushed to the hospital after Paul informed him that I passed out from the amount of blood I lost.  Both the male loves of my life stayed by my side the entire time in the hospital.  My dad was there until I was discharged at 4:00am and had to be up for work at 6:00am. On the way home, Praise You in This Storm by Casting Crowns played and I wept the whole way home. Ironically enough, my mom wasn't aware that any of this occurred.  When my dad told her and she was ready to board her plane, the same exact song played. Godincidence? I think so! The outpouring of support from my family and friends allowed me to see His love.  He allowed me to see how precious life was and what I had to be thankful for.    

Fast forward another year...we are 18 1/2 weeks into our pregnancy and looking forward to the antonym scan of our blessing from above.  The 15th of December rolled around and I remember being in tears and on the phone with my mom that evening.  I was emotional from what I experienced the previous year, but I was experiencing ligament pain from Grace growing.  I felt as though I was cramping and that I was going to miscarry her.  She reassured me everything was going to be okay and hung up the phone.  Apparently both her and my dad were concerned to some degree because they both jumped on the computer to see what was happening.  Ten minutes later, a call from Dr. Dad and Dr. Mom confirmed the cramping on my right side was ligament pain from the growing baby inside.  And within a matter of a week from that scare, we found out that Grace had Anencephaly.  My world came crashing down... yet again.  December 22nd,2011 will always be a date that I remember as long as I live.  I will remember that day because it was a day that I was put in the hot seat...where my my faith and trust in my great Savior was tested.  It was that day and the days following that the His light came through the darkness that clouded my vision.  He used Paul to be so gentle to my feelings, but allowed His truth to be poured out of his lips.  He drove my mom to dig deep into the Word and to use scripture to shape her thinking, he used my principal to convict the evilness inside, he used the internet to show the relativity of what an abortion looks like, and he used my other family members and friends to be a beckon of hope, support, and love.  

As this December approached, I prayed that the feeling of loss wouldn't be all consuming.  I had a birthday to celebrate on the 18th and the idea of celebrating it struck a different chord this year.  I wanted to rejoice in the gift of life and appreciate each and every breath I have been given, despite a rough year.  In a world where there is so much evil, darkness, and loss, I consider each year to be a gift and a blessing. I've learned a lot this year about myself and who I aspire to be some day.  I've learned to love unconditionally because we don't know when our time is up...to appreciate the moment, because I'll never get it back...to open up in order break down walls so that others may help counsel me.  I've been so weak and hopeless in my heartache that it's been a blessing to see my husband lift me up through his prayer, words, and actions...it's been more than humbling.  I've learned how precious each and everyone of my family members and friendships are.  Seeing them care and support me when I felt like giving up on life gave me hope.  Having them mourn with me while carrying my burden allowed me to see the bond that truly existed.

Twenty-seven, you were indeed good to me.  Thank you, God!