Christmas Memories

The funeral home where Grace was cremated hosted a beautiful Christmas Memories service yesterday to remember those that have gone before us this year.  The service was held at Our Redeemer church which was located next door to the funeral home.  Ironically enough, my grandmother frequented that same church when she was alive.  The church was built in between her apartment building and the funeral home. She would attend that church when she couldn't make the trip to her home church because of the weather.  It is such a stunning church!  About seven years ago, my parents, aunt, and I attended the exact same service to remember the life of my wonderful grandmother...a women who had the most beautiful, compassionate, and caring heart.  I thought about her a lot yesterday as well, especially when singing Silent Night.  I remember the last Christmas Eve service she attended with us and she sat right next to me in the pew.  As we were singing the song, she was so off key that it made me smile and realize that I'd never get to hear her sing Silent Night ever again.  Needless to say, I was a complete mess at the end.  I think of her every time I hear/sing the melody  She is so dearly missed by us all! 

Paul and I were beyond blessed to have my entire family (parents, aunt Linda, brother & wife, nieces, and nephew) join us for this special service.  It reminded me of the day that she was born and it literally brought me to tears.  The same people who were there to support us the day she arrived and passed were there to remember those two hours we were graced with.  My nieces and nephew were also able to join us at the service, even though they were never able to meet their little cousin.  My heart was filled with so much joy.  My other brother Matt and his wife Jamie were unable to attend because she had to work and he had to stay home with his two year old son.  Much to my surprise, Emily (my brother's daughter and Grace's cousin who adores her) walked in with my parents.  It was so nice to have her there to represent their family.  I imagine our sweet Grace smiling down as she watched us all sitting together in the pew and listening to the story of our Savior's beautiful birth.


Prior to the service, my sister-in-law handed me a lovely wrapped gift.  I waited to open it until we sat down.  I was holding it together pretty well until I actually opened it.  When I pulled the gift out of it's bag, I instantly saw Grace's name engraved with two little baby feet on a beautiful metal angel with the year 2012 dangling from the top.  So many emotions surfaced and I couldn't control the tears.  I did everything I possible could from not shedding a tear, but they were meant to pour.

Seeing those little feet on that ornament brought me back to my pregnancy and her birth. Among the many things that I adored about Grace's body, her little hands and feet were so precious and absolutely perfect.  Once Grace was large enough in my womb, I was always able to feel her little feet dancing away and her hands always brushed the lower part of my stomach. That feeling was something that always made me smile when I was feeling down during my pregnancy.  It was a reminder that she was still with me and that I had so much to be thankful during the hardest time of my life.  I also wrote about her feet in a post titled Walking With The Lord. Here I expressed how her feet represented my walk with the Lord through our journey with her.  The valley in my life allowed my walk with Jesus Christ to deepen and grow two-fold. 

Seeing her name engraved on the ornament made me think about all the times I felt she never existed in this world.  I know the topic of loss is very difficult for people and I understand some don't know what to say or do.  I often feel like my whole pregnancy and her birth were a figment of everyone's imagination.  Her name is never mentioned...unless it's by a little 6 year old that loves to draw her cousin pictures and write her name or on her heavenly anniversaries.  I get that talking about a dead baby is awkward, but I often feel like because of that, she never existed in their minds.  I especially felt that way throughout my entire pregnancy with my one brother and sister-in-law. They never seemed to ask me how I was doing or acted as though they cared about my trail.  My feelings were terribly hurt and my heart really began to harden. I asked so many people to join me in prayer asked the Lord to soften my heart. Yesterday I realized that the devil had a good grip on me. When I saw her name, it made me realize that she wasn't forgotten by them, they did care, and that God does hear and answer prayers.  I continue to look at the beautiful ornament hanging from the tree and am reminded of God's grace and mercy He has given us.  I picture Grace with the angels surrounding the throne, worshiping the One that created us all with such purpose.  I'm so thankful for this wonderfully thoughtful gift that I am able to hang on my tree year after year.  I pray that I continue to remember all of the wonderful things that this ornament represents to me.

Besides my family being there on the day of her birth, I have never felt as loved as I did yesterday.  I was so thankful for them to take time away from their busy schedules to join Paul and I as we celebrated the life of our little girl and our Savior.  I'm sure most of them attended to support the two of us in our journey, but it made me so happy to know that they were there for Grace as well.  They will never get to attend any recitals, sporting events, graduations, or her wedding day...but they were there for this and I felt like they were there to cheer her on as they would have for any other event.  It made me realize how much I value each one of them in my life and appreciate their presence. I have the best family...hands down!  They are truly loved by the three of us! 

God is so good!