When I Least Expect It

It wasn't that long ago that Paul and I traveled to Mama D's to grab a cup of coffee and to chat about Paul's new business adventure with Jake.  Paul and Jake have been friends for years even though Jake is my age, which is five years younger than Paul.  Paul was Jake's Young Life leader back in high school and through which, a bond was formed.  Jake is very much like a brother to me.  I can say whole-hardheartedly that I love him like a brother too.  He's someone that you can just sit and talk to for hours on end.  He truly listens to my crazy stories I tell him.  I know this because he always follows up with challenging questions that make me think outside the box.  He is very much like Paul in the sense that he challenges my thinking process and allows me to grow into someone I never thought I'd be. Gotta love boys like that!

While Paul stepped away to talk to the Mama D herself, Jake and I got talking about the book that was dangling from my purse entitled, The Shack. I heard of this book through a baby loss webpage.  The ladies that read it explained how their husbands read and loved it.  Father's Day was right around the corner and so my intention was to get it for Paul.  Well, it never made it as his gift because Grace's hand prints that said "I love you this much" made his gift (and my dad's) so much more special.  At any rate, I simply could not put the book down and was telling Jake how much I enjoyed it.  Much to my surprise, Jake had read the entire book himself.  Since I had not finished the book, Jake reveled to me that the book had much to do with the concept of expectations.  Seeing as though I was struggling with this through my entire pregnancy, my ears shot up like a little dog.  He explained to me that when we set people up to meet a certain expectation in our life, we end up disappointed if they don't rise to the occasion.  Ultimately, we get down on them and start thinking irrational things about who they are as an individual and of the relationship we may have with that person.  He followed up by saying that we need to eliminate expectations focus more on expectancy in our relationships.   We should be living out truly loving relationships instead of trying to fulfill the expectations of man, or placing expectations on others.  I found this quote from page 206 to be extremely helpful when I was trying to piece together the valuable lesson Jake was teaching me:

 "If you and I are friends, there is an expectancy that exists within our friendship. 

When we see each other or are apart, there is expectancy of being together, of laughing and talking. 

That expectancy has no concrete definition; it is alive and dynamic and everything that emerges from our being together is a unique gift shared by no one else. 

But what happens if I change that ‘expectancy’ to an ‘expectation’ -- spoken or unspoken?

 Suddenly, law has entered into our relationship. 

You are now expected to perform in a way that meets my expectations. Our living friendship rapidly deteriorates into a dead thing with rules and requirements. It is no longer about you and me, but about what friends are supposed to do, or responsibilities of a good friend."

I learned that I had placed expectations of certain individuals and in turn, made my heart really bitter and I pushed myself away from them.  Allow me to be vulnerable for a little bit, but I often thought, My gosh, she has children... can't she understand how I am feeling? I can't believe they don't even care about how I'm doing.  Can't they just text me or pick up the phone and dial my number? I was there for them when they walked through their valley. Why aren't they they for me?  I'm sorry if  my thoughts seemed really selfish, but I expected those people to behave in a certain way and they fell short every.single.time.  After this conversation with Jake, I realized what I did, and I immediately sought forgiveness.  I truly learned not to place expectations on others and I understand how detrimental that was to the relationship that existed.  I now try to live by expectancy and not place certain rules or expect people to perform a in a way that merits my approval.  And you know what?  I've been finding that when those rules and performance measures are erased, God works in remarkable ways.  Let me explain...

It's been a fear of mine that people will forget my little girl.  A fear that people think that Jessica's baby girl is dead and so is her memory.  And while that may be true for some, I want so badly for her to live on in the hearts and souls of all of those who have been touched by her life.  When my guard comes down and my expectations are turned into expectancy, I am beyond blessed.  On Friday morning I received the sweetest message from my friend Erin saying, "I think of you and Grace every Friday. Sending love your way."  I didn't expect a message like that from her, but let me tell you, if left me in tears.  Or when I get messages from my sister-in-law, Jamie, telling me stories about Emily and how the every time they hear Molly talk in Bubble Guppies, they wonder what Grace's voice would have sounded like.  The sweet messages I receive on Facebook from people telling me how our story has touched their lives, how they are praying for us, or remember her heavenly anniversary.  Or when I receive a CD and a picture book from a friend of a friend, Katelyn (who's become my friend) in the mail. I didn't place these expectations on them, but they blessed me beyond measure.   

Today was one of those days when I least expected to receive something like I did.  When I walked in the house, Paul shouts, "Michelle sent you a package."  I responded back as I took off my coat, "What the heck could she possibly be sending me?"  As I opened the card and read the words so beautifully written on the card (the words, not her handwriting..ha ha, Michelle) my eyes filled with tears and my heart filled with both love and joy.  The card read, "Hey girlfriend - You're on my heart...and in my prayers."  And among the many beautiful things she wrote, the line that most stuck out was, "I am always thinking about you and Paulie.  You guys are in my daily prayers and I think of Gracie often."  Along with the wonderful card, she sent a book called, The Christmas Box.  She stated that the book has inspired statues like the picture of the one she sent me and hopes the book will provide me with love and peace. I am looking forward to jumping into my warm bed and to end my night reading this and spending time God. 

This, again, goes to show me that I can't place expectations on my relationships.  If you are finding that you have a tendency to do this, you're not alone.  But I challenge you to allow God to help you remove those expectations from your life.  I know that when I turn to Him to explain my feelings or express my thoughts about the person I felt hurt by, my heart doesn't begin to harden and the relationship remains centered on expectancy.  I am so thankful God used Jake to open my eyes to this idea and to understand how crucial this concept can be with all the relationships (even the most important one I have...the one with Christ) I have.  

Thank you to all the gentle souls that remind me, when I'm least expecting it, that my little girl's memory still lives on.  You bless me on a daily basis by your prayers, even if your actions are not outwardly visible.  I appreciate your prayers more than you will ever know.  We have an awesome God and I'm so blessed by the love and support we have been given throughout our journey.

Thank you God, for blessing me with such selfless individuals.  I am humbled by their love on a daily basis.