I Will Carry You

One year ago today, December 22nd, 2011 at 10:00, the words "incompatible with life" changed me forever...  I remember the day as though it was yesterday.  I felt like I was literally on top of the world and nothing could stop me.  I'm thankful for the reality check, because it has sure brought me to my knees...many times!   

That day began with a lovely breakfast with the three of us at a local diner.  Paul and I sat and discussed our future together with our little blessing in the picture.  We talked about how we were going to tackle remodeling our bathroom right away and how we were looking forward to getting the nursery in order throughout the next couple months.  As we walked into my OB office, we were greeted by the nicest receptionist EVER.  Besides the fact she knew it was the anatomy scan of our baby, she knew and attended church with many of the families that attend to the same school I work at.  I sat on the edge of my seat as I waited for my name to be called.  Paul could see the excitement bursting in my eyes.  He on the other hand looked scared out of his mind.  When my name was called, I bounced out of my seat and followed the tech into a very dark room...a room in which I don't ever know if I could bring myself to enter again.  All I remember from the past two times being in there are pure hurt and heartache.

As the tech began to poke and prod to get the images of our little girl in my womb, I was awestruck by her beauty, even at 18 weeks gestation.  Before we even knew Gracie wasn't going to be with us for very long, this picture came up.

The ultrasound tech said, "Look here.  Her hands are crossed."  Instantly, I responded, "She's praying." Paul and I looked at each other and smiled. It was after that image when the tech approached her head.  She sat there and didn't have much to say.  She continued to poke so hard at my tummy that it was beating red and it felt like she was hurting Grace.  My protectiveness kicked into overdrive.  It was then that she said, "I can't get an image of her head. I need her to move away from where she is and she won't."  We joked that she already had her mommy and daddy's stubborn nature. She allowed me to empty my bladder and continued to move me in all different positions.  When she still didn't get an image, she excused herself and met with the doctor.  I looked at Paul and we both knew something wasn't right.  It felt like we waited for hours before my doctor entered the room, when in reality it was only minutes. 

I try to put myself in my doctor's shoes every time I think back to this day.  I can't even imagine how hard it must be to have to tell a family that their baby is not going to make it...to crush their hopes and dreams for their future with this child.  The strength that the Lord provides these doctors is truly amazing.  I imagine that is why my doctor looked the way she did that day.  I'm sure she struggled to find the words to be sensitive, yet informative.  It isn't easy watching someone break into tears and both Paul and I sat there and wept, uncontrollably.  We hugged each other and were in sheer disbelief.  This couldn't possibly be happening to us.  I thought this was just a bad dream and I was ready to wake up. 

I was forever changed after we had our second, more high tech ultrasound that day.  The ultrasound confirmed it and the diagnosis was the same.  It was concluded our little girl had Anencephaly.  I have never heard of Anencephaly before that day and wasn't given any information on it from either of the doctors.  Therefore, I really didn't know how to explain it to my dad when we arrived to my parent's home that afternoon.  All I remember is walking into the house with my dad over the counter making Chex Mix for Christmas.  The moment he looked up and our eyes met, he knew something was wrong.  "No, no, no.  What's wrong?"  he questioned. I ran into his arms and cried... and cried some more.  "She's not going to live,"  is all I could spit out.  He held me close and tears continued to pour out of both of our eyes.

And so our journey with Grace Annmarie Morris began...

Shortly after we received her diagnosis, I received an e-mail from my principal at school.  As I believe God does in all situations, He uses people to shine His light in the dark times.  I am so thankful that he clung to the Word and spoke truth into every line he wrote.  My vision was so clouded during that time and I was so thankful for such a well versed message. Here is what my principal wrote:

"I am impressed and encouraged with your concerns and priorities, even in the midst of great grief and emotional distress. Through these, and other situations of end-of-life care we have experienced in our family, I believe it would be personally very difficult for you in both the short and long run to make a decision that would actively end your baby's life before the Lord chooses to take her. Unless there is a significant threat to your own health, I think we would say it would be wrong.  I would meditate on Psalm 139:13-18 and realize that her days are in His hands and He knows exactly how many there are to be. 

We are given privileges and responsibilities that are very difficult at times, but my recommendation is to take things day-by-day, deal with any medical issues as they come, especially as it impacts your health. You guys have a daughter right now (does she have name yet?), and we all know that the relationship between mom and baby starts way before birth. Allow yourself the tears that come, but also marvel at the incredible love and compassion our Father has for His children (whatever their condition) and the opportunity you have to give this baby the days that God has for her in her limited life.

I want to offer any help we can. This response may sound pretty cold, I guess, but our hearts ache for you and we will continue to keep you in our prayers. If you have any questions about our experiences, or would even like to get together, feel free to let us know.

Keep seeking and praising the Lord. Remember that death is a result of sin and will soon be swallowed up in His great day (Isaiah 25:6-9)."

After this e-mail was written, I began reading I Will Carry You, by Angie Smith.  She too was given an"incompatible with life" diagnosis with her daughter Audrey.  When she tells her story, more eloquently written than mine, she explains that she told her doctor while sitting in the ultrasound room, "I think my Jesus is the same as He was before I walked through that door."  That little line on page 16 impacted me so profoundly after I read her story.  No matter what news we would have heard that day, the One who knit her together and created her innermost being is and will always be the same...no matter what trail we face.  Higher than any mountain that I may ever face, stronger than the power of the grave, constant through the trail and the change, there's always one thing that remains..His love NEVER fails, it NEVER gives up, and it NEVER runs out on me!

I was reminded through this journey that our amazing Creator doesn't give up on me...and therefore, if my ultimate goal in life is to live a life more like Him, I wanted to follow in His footsteps with Grace. He'd never give up on her!  Here are two (there are many more) verses that demonstrate what the Word of God says about life:

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 

 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well. 

 My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be. Psalm 139 13-16

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
    before you were born I set you apart;
    I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.  Jeremiah 1:5 

My sweet Grace,

Today was the day, one year ago, that I met you in my womb.  I remember you having hiccups and giggling as we watched you on the monitor.   Today was also the day we found out that you weren't going to be with us for very long.  You were worth every tear shed that day and the days following.  You're daddy, God, and I loved you  long before we even knew you. If I had the chance, I'd carry you all over again...in a heartbeat!  Your little life has taught me so such about unconditional love, selflessness, obedience, appreciation for things, and acceptance....and I am forever grateful for those things and many others.  I have shed many tears today as I sit here writing.  I miss you my sweet angel.  I miss everything about the experience of carrying you and holding you in my arms. I would give anything for you to be here.  And even though I can't physically carry you in my tummy, I will carry your memory with me for an eternity. I pray little one, that you know my love continues to run deep and that you are our greatest blessing.  May you know today and always that I am proud to call you my daughter.  Mommy loves you, sugar bug!  

I Will Carry You - Selah

There were photographs i wanted to take
Things i wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that i am brave but i`m not
Truth is i`m barely hanging on
But there`s a greater story
Written long before me
Because he loves you like this

So i will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
 All this madness
But i know
That the silence
Has brought me to his voice
And he says

I`ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you