Beautiful Things

I never knew one single song could hold so much meaning in my life.  I guess I never took time to truly listen to the lyrics of "Beautiful Things" and reflect on what they mean to me until yesterday.  Paul ran into Home Depot for one thing and came out with twenty.  I couldn't help but smile when I saw his cart because it reminded me of how I am in Target.  I run in for a stick of deodorant and come out with a hundred dollars worth of stuff.   I'm glad he took as long as he did. I needed time to cry by myself without him thinking that I'm not letting go of Grace. I think he always associates my crying as a "bad thing," when in reality they are mostly tears of joy.  I'm so thankful for Grace and how God has opened my eyes to see true beauty, beauty that only He has created. 

"Beautiful Things"

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all


You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

(Chorus)

(Chorus)

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new

(Chorus)

Pain doesn't quiet describe the feelings I felt on that chilly day in December.  All my hopes and dreams came crashing down when both doctors said that Anencephaly is a fatal condition and these babies don't survive. With a box of tissues in my hand, puffy red eyes, and a hole in my heart, I knew walking out of the hospital that this journey would be filled with a variety of emotions. As the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months, I felt that hole becoming bigger and bigger. Maybe I had hoped for more out of certain people in my family than I should have.  I was often reminded that some people just don't know what to say or do and so they avoid any interaction altogether.  But that only made the pain all the more real and that hole continue to grow larger.

Looking back, I don't feel that I had expectations of people specifically.  But sometimes I felt I expected more out of certain people because I'd be willing to do that much for them. Ironically enough, the people I didn't expect anything from were the ones that carried my burden and walked along side of me the most. I prayed and asked others to pray for my hard heart that I was developing.  I prayed that these feelings wouldn't cause bitterness and resent the relationships that crushed me during that time. I thanked Him repeatedly for those people who showed me what it meant to walk with someone when they didn't know what to say or do either.

In the end, I've come to see the beauty and realize that not everyone is going to know what you need in life and therefore won't fill your love tank.  The people that hurt me the most didn't know that I just wanted them to pick up the phone or send a text message and ask me how I was doing.  I didn't expect people to move mountains for me, buy me anything, or go out of their way.  I just wanted to feel loved in my hardest time of my life.

The beautiful thing that came up from this is that I've learned what it means (to some extent) how to be selfless. Family, friends, and co-workers all around me taught me what it means to not only think of myself - to think beyond whatever it is I may be going through, and to reach out and serve someone else.  Isn't that what Jesus Christ did his entire life...served others?  Philippians 2:3 reminds me of this: Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves. This life isn't about me, as much as I'd like to think it is... and it isn't about you either (sorry to burst your bubble).

While listening to this song I was reminded by the chorus that He makes beautiful things out of dust and out of us.  I could be interpreting this song all wrong, but after reading Genesis 3:19 it allowed me to see that both you and I were made from dust and as dust we will return.  Grace was created just as you and I were.  I know that God does not make mistakes.  And He surely didn't make a mistake by not allowing Grace's brain to develop.  Even though the world may not view her as being beautiful, she sure is to me.  He created her, how could she not be?  The beautiful thing about God's heart is that He is ravished by us.  We make Him smile, laugh, sing, and leap for joy (Zephaniah 3:17).  We make His heart beat faster and our faces make Him grin.  He sees our hair, our skin, our freckles, and He rejoices (Enjoying God).  My Gracie is no different - He is ravished by her as well! 

This song states that He makes beautiful things out of us.  I firmly believe everyone created has a purpose, even if they never get to take a breath here on Earth.  I'm not sure what Grace's purpose is and honestly, I don't know what mine is either.  I'm praying and asking God to reveal this to me.  The beauty behind not knowing is that I am able to call out to Him all the more.  And I'm thankful for that opportunity to grow close and spend time with Him.

Because of the Jesus' death on the cross, we are made new.  Our sins are washed away because He gave up His life for you and I. When we are made new, a transformation occurs - a change in our heart, our minds, our speech, our actions etc. And the amazing thing is that this process does not stop.  He continues to make us new! If we believe in Jesus Christ, the old is gone and the new has come (2 Corinthians 5:17).

I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't want to change what happened to us.  I'd give anything to be holding her, rocking her to sleeping, and raising her to know she is a child of God.  But that wasn't His plan and I'm learning to be okay with that.  I'm also trying to understand that I'll never get to see here again until I am reunited with her in Heaven.  For the ransom that was paid for you and I, I am forever grateful.  Because... I will get to see her again!  

I'm learning that there is true beauty behind my journey.  

Beautiful things that can only be seen because of Him.