Letting Go

I'm scared...dare I say that?

I feel like when I truly admit how I'm feeling, I get the tsk tsk, you're not giving it to God response. And I get that, because I've been on the receiving end of people pouring out their hearts to me. The neat thing about a blog is that I can just pour my heart and soul out without "hearing" your perspective.  My blog, in some fashion, is helping me with my grieving. Writing this way allows me to rationalize how I'm thinking/feeling without someone trying to "fix" my situation (as if you can really fix the death of my Gracie). 

Over the last month or so I've been struggling with what the next chapter in our lives may be.  I have that fear of "what if" beginning to settle into my thinking.  I know that fear only comes from one place directly...the devil.

After I miscarried in 2010, the fear of loss was suffocating.  I remember very vividly sitting in my friend Kara's car on a chilly day last October.  I sat there with tears in my eyes and explained to her that I was pregnant again.  The tears that surfaced that day weren't tears of joy, they were tears of fear.  At ten weeks pregnant, I saw my little miracle growing in size, but I felt God telling me to guard my heart.  I knew something just wasn't right and tried to explain my feelings to her. Besides wondering if I was going to find blood every time I went to the restroom, I feared that something was drastically wrong with my pregnancy.

After we found out about Grace's diagnosis that fear of "what if" wouldn't escape me. I worried if she'd pass in utero, if she'd be alive to take her home, if I'd build up to much fluid and cause me to go into pre-term labor etc.  The list of fears started to became endless. 

I'm scared of this "what if" fear that is surfacing.  I want to enjoy what is "supposed to be" one of the happiest times of my life.  But I feel that my heart has been so crushed, and as a result, has been very guarded.  After talking to a couple of friends that have suffered losses through miscarriage, they too are so cautious and have that "what if" fear lurking in the back of their minds.  It bothers me that some women who truly would like to be entrusted with children, go through so much heartache. Just know I'm praying for those of you that I speak of!    


I'm truly sick of wallowing in fear.  I'm tired, beat down, and ready to surrender. If I let these fears get the best of me and I let them consume my thinking, I'll miss the blessings that are right in front of my eyes.  After reading What Women Fear by Angie Smith, I'm reminded by the story of Hagar, Sarah, and Abraham from the Bible.  Sarah urged her husband, Abraham, to conceive a child with the maidservant Hagar because she wasn't able to become pregnant.  Sarah wanted to keep her husbands legacy alive even though God had given Abraham a promise that didn't include Hagar.  However, Sarah's plans didn't go the way she had anticipated.  She became pregnant with a child named Isaac and in turn became extremely jealous of Hagar since she bore her husband's first son.  During a feast for Isaac, Sarah's jealously got the best of her and she tells Abraham it's time for Hagar and Ishmael to hit the road. Hagar leaves with her son and they set out on a journey.  While they are walking, Hagar realizes that she doesn't have any food for her son.  Knowing that Ishmael was going to die, she placed him in a bush and stepped away.  Hagar closed her eyes as she was unable to witness the death of her only son.  God hears Ishmael's cries and an angel of the Lord spoke to her by asking what is the matter.  The angel goes on to tell her not to be afraid and that the Lord has heard his cries.  He allowed Hagar a glimpse of her son's future and opens her eyes so that she is able to see a well of water to bring her son back to life.


I love reflecting back on this story because I have seen a glimpse of Sarah and Hagar in my own life.  In the past, when things didn't seem to go right in my life, I would try to take matters into my own hands - much like Sarah.  If only they could have trusted and listened to God's promise, the drama with Hagar would have never surfaced.  And poor Hagar...she was kicked to the curb and was so engrossed by the fear of loosing her son that she didn't even see the well beside her.  I'm finding that I'm so wrapped up in the fear of never getting pregnant with a healthy baby that I'm missing all the blessings beside me.  I'm so focused on what is missing in my life rather than what I have. 


I truly don't want to walk through this life with my eyes closed.  I'm asking the Lord to illuminate what He wants me to see and not to dwell on what I don't have.  I'm praying that I'm able to drink deep in the faithfulness of God in hopes that next time I face insurmountable (that's for you Kara) odds, that I will NOT cower in fear.   I want to keep my eyes, my heart, and my desires open to what His will is for my life. And lastly, I pray that my days are filled with gratitude as He can turn the unlikely into the obvious! 


If you are a prayer warrior out there, I am asking for you to be in prayer with me. I know first hand that the power of prayer is amazing.  The God of Hagar heard her son's cries and He hears our cries as well!


I'm ready to let go of these fears and surrender them ALL to Him!