There are many things I can remember wishing for as I blew out the candles on my birthday cake or as I held a dandelion with a seeded head in my hand and watched all the seeds drift off into the distance. Some of those wishes included a hope for receiving material things, an A on a test, or that my latest pimple wouldn't over take my face. Even at a ripe young age, I can remember wishes that included a hope that my dad's cancer would disappear, the cyst that showed up on my mother's mammogram wouldn't be taken seriously, or that my grandmother wouldn't lose faith in her Savior as she received word that she only had six months to live. As I got older, I realized that those wishes that I once made weren't really wishes after all, but prayers. Prayers for healing, for HOPE in something beyond my control. Hope in Jesus Christ.
Shortly after we first received Grace's diagnosis, I created this blog to document the days of my pregnancy and to reflect on how God was moving and carrying us through our valley. The words weren't there at the time, but I had everything selected (fonts, pictures, and sayings on my page) to begin my writing journey. And even though all of these things were in place, I was grieving the loss of my daughter before I even had her and I couldn't articulate my feelings. As I was paging through all background designs, I wanted to pick one that reminded me of her and served a purpose. And looking back, I wish I wouldn't have changed it. However, at the time, I selected this one below.
If you can't see the picture clearly, it is a dandelion with it's seeds flying off into a world of the unknown. A dandelion is considered a weed in most people's eyes. They are these pesky little yellow weeds that take over beautiful lawns...at least that's what my dad always said as he was spraying them with weed killer in our yard.
As I began researching Anencephaly after her diagnosis, I was so crushed to read some of the statistics and comments that were made in regards to these beautiful souls. Comments such as, "These babies are monsters, they don't deserve life, I don't know anyone that would want a baby like that." I'm sorry, but the last time I checked, NONE OF US deserve life. We are the ones that should of been hanging on the cross for the fall of man..Not Jesus Christ! Also, I'm sure no one ever woke up and said," I want a baby with their skull and a part of their brain missing." These fathers and mothers were chosen, hand selected by the One that paid the price for OUR sins. I even saw on one website that there isn't a wealth of information regarding these babies because most abort directly after finding out the diagnosis.
And so, when I saw this background it made me think of Grace. A baby that others may consider to be a weed...baby that people want to get rid of because she wasn't healthy. But she was someone that I wanted and prayed for and I know she was made for much more than to be called a weed.
Most people don't want dandelions in their yards because they often spread like crazy if they are not controlled. Several people will spray weed killer on them so the solution gets down to the root to kill it off. Other people may just pull the weed up and hope the root system came along with it, killing it off so nothing comes back. I feel like this is what people do when they are given a diagnosis such as Anencephaly. They treat these babies like weeds and get rid of them when they are still in the womb. They don't fight for them or even give God a chance to perform a miracle. Grace was someone that we prayed very hard for. It wasn't that we prayed for her to be born with this condition. But He entrusted us with someone so uniquely special. Someone so special that He needed her to be home with Him far before we ever intended. In the world's eyes she may be considered that "weed" that no one wants because she had "incompatible with life" stamped on her at 18 1/2 weeks in the womb...a weed that grows can be easily pulled up and gotten rid of.
That wasn't God's will for her life. We were chosen to be Grace's parents and with that, we were to embrace our daughter in whatever form she came.
Grace wasn't our weed. She was our beautiful, yellow perennial flower called a dandelion; our gift from God. We are so blessed!
The unique thing about a dandelion is that the head is made of hundreds of yellow ray flowers that resemble the sun. I love the connection behind the color and shape because I always told her she was my sunshine... someone that always made my life a little brighter. I still remember all the times I sang "You Are My Sunshine" to her in our living room and would belly laugh at all her movements while I sang off key. Experts say "these babies" can't hear...I don't believe that for one second.
Overnight the yellow petals/flower heads can change into the familiar white globular seeded head. Each tiny seed has a parachute to spread far and wide into the open wind. The avid gardener may not enjoy the sight as much as the average person because those little seeds that blew into the open air, will land in the ground. And when they land, the seed will begin the life cycle of the dandelion all over again. This is the stage of the life cycle that reminds me of my childhood. Grabbing a hold of the green stem, making a wish, and blowing the seeds long and hard...hoping that my wish will come true. I'm not going to lie...I didn't grab a hold of one and make a wish that she would be cured. I got on my knees, crying out to God to heal my baby. And even though God didn't heal her in the womb, it doesn't mean that He doesn't hear and answer our prayers. Our prayers were answered in many other ways. It was in our lot to carry Grace and in His will that she would be called home shortly after her birth. And the beautiful part is...she's healed now. Grace is in His presence. She's made whole and complete - how perfect!
We had hoped for great things to come of her life. We blew our dandelion (figuratively speaking) hoping God would use Grace far beyond our greatest imagination. We hoped that her life would make an impact on the people that came across her story or that have been touched by her in some way. It's my hope that I can be her voice and advocate for the unborn. It's my hope that we can share our testimony to the faithfulness of God during our deepest valley. And by doing these things, it's my greatest hope that I'm able to bring glory to His name and His name alone.
I love you, my sweet dandelion! May your life spread seeds of hope to all those that come across you...hope in our Lord and Savior!
My hope is in you, Lord. It is my prayer that I will continue to use Grace's story for your glory. That I will never, ever take credit for the strength and courage it took to walk this path. I know the best is yet to come... spending an eternity praising you...the One that breathed life into my dead bones. Thank you for sending your One and Only Son to die for a wretched sinner like me. I am so, so unworthy! I pray Lord, that my sweet dandelion, Grace, is surrounding your throne..praising you, in ALL your glory!
Psalm 31:14
But I trust in you, O Lord; I say, "You are my God." My times are in your hands.
Psalm 37:3
Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in
the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and He
will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in Him and He will do this: He will make your righteousness shine
like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still
before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret.
Psalm 42:11
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God.
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