With Hope

Today marks Gracie's 8 months spent in heaven.  8 months seems like such a long time ago, but it feels like yesterday I was there in the hospital holding onto my baby girl.  Every time I think about the day I said hello to her, I think about how difficult it was to say goodbye.  To literally hand your daughter over to a complete stranger and watch her walk out of our room with my little girl...knowing that I would never, ever see her again on this side of heaven, crushes me to this day.  

I have to say that God and my family/friends have really helped me to turn my mourning into dancing this month.  Instead of being depressed several days leading up to the 18th, I've been rejoicing over all of the ways God used Grace's life to change me.  I truly feel like God used Grace's life to teach me more about stepping out in faith, leaning into His Word, and trusting in His will for my life.  Even though I am still grieving the loss of her, I'm trying to look at the good that came out of her life and not fixate on the hurt I experience.  It's hard though, especially when I miss her every second of every day. 

I fully believe that God is using my family and friends to support me and show their love for Grace and I when I need it most.  I was in tears this morning when I opened up my e-mail to find a message from my sister-in-law, Jamie, and my sweet friend, Erin.  Jamie sent me a picture of this beautiful dandelion tattoo.  She explained how she immediately thought of Grace and I when she came across it.  I believe that this was just what I needed to see since I've been so distraught over loosing Gracie's hand/foot prints...the prints that I wanted to use for my tattoo, if I ever man up.  I would love a tattoo similar to this to represent my little dandelion (Grace) spreading her seeds of hope.  

Jamie has such a beautiful heart and has truly shown such a love for her niece.  This past Christmas Jamie, my brother, Emily, and Owen gave Grace her very first Christmas present.  I thought I wrote a post about it, but I guess with the craziness of traveling to Alabama during the holiday season, I never got around to posting it.  Seeing a gift with Grace's name on it brought tears to my eyes...literally!  It was a very difficult holiday to celebrate knowing it would have been her first Christmas with us.  I was elated when Jamie placed the gift in my hand.  Not because it was a material object, but because Gracie was remembered!  The gift was written to Grace from Emily and so if Grace wasn't there to open it, I wanted her big cousin to help me.  Emily tore the paper off and I was in utter shock. I'm certain my mouth hung open. For starters, the wooden sign (below) was amazingly beautiful and will look perfect in a future nursery.  The part that I was most taken back by was the saying that was so wonderfully painted on.  There are a couple sayings that I like to say to Grace when I write letters to her.  Jamie's keen perception and attention to detail picked up on those phrases.  And so when I saw the those words written, I was in amazement.  They also purchased her a beautiful angel ornament with the words "Grace" written it.  Today, it sits next to her baby board, which is situated in our living room. We are so blessed by the Wagner's thoughtfulness!

Erin entitled her message, "God's grace." And she stated,  "'For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God ' Ephesians 2:8. God's grace has saved us so that we are promised eternal life with our savior, Jesus. God's amazing grace has given your sweet Grace eternal life. 8 month heaven birthday today. How beautiful. You're Gracie has touched my life- and so many others- more than you will ever know. I can't imagine how hard today is for you, but know that you and Gracie have changed the hearts of many. This world needs people like you- true examples of Christ's love." My heart melted into a million and one pieces. I'm so thankful for scripture to remind us all that this isn't our home.  By God's grace, and His grace alone, we have been saved and are able to live a life in His presence for an eternity.  It is a message like this that allows me to dry my eyes because I have the faith to believe that Grace is spending the rest of her life in heaven...surrounding the throne and praising the One that has made her whole.  It is a message like this reminds me that my little dandelion's seeds have spread far and wide.  And for that, I give thanks to our Lord. Erin never ceases to amaze me.  I don't know what I'd do without her!

I was also blown away by the message my mom sent me stating, "Thinking of you and our Gracie.  The 18th and a Friday."  My mom is my best friend, without a shadow of a doubt.  Among a couple other people, I felt she carried my pain and heartache the entire time I carried Grace.  We'd often joke around when I was pregnant because when my back hurt, so did hers.  When I was worn down and out for the count, so was she.  But as I did with many other people, I struggled to talk about Grace with her as it got closer to my due date and after I delivered her.  I thought it was just because she felt uncomfortable talking about a baby that wasn't going to live or someone that had already passed.  It's healing for me to talk about Grace and it bothered me that she never seemed interested.  What I didn't seem to do at the time was to stop and think about how she might be feeling.  She lost a granddaughter, and although I think the pain only hits home to me, I'm certain Grace's death affected her as well.  So it completely caught me off guard today when I received her message because she seldom talks about her, her anniversaries, or how difficult Fridays can be.  And she remembered all three today!  God, you are so good! 

Thank you, God, for all of the people you have placed in my life to help bring healing to my wounded soul!  I know I've only mentioned three names today, Lord, but there were many more individuals that I've failed to mention. And I want you to know that I am go grateful for their love and compassion that they pour onto me in time of need.  They continue to be examples of an unbelievable love that only comes from You.  Thank you for them and your unfailing love!  

 Another Friday...

Another month....

 I miss you, sweet girl! With hope, I will see you again. Mama loves you!

"With Hope"  Steven Curtis Chapman

This is not at all
How we thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We has so many dreams
But now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you

And we can cry with hope
We can say good-bye with hope
'Cause we know our good-bye is not the end
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again

And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father smile and say 'well done.'
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now your home
And now your free

[Chorus]

We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true

[Chorus]

We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope