She Deserves Better

Every single time I get asked, "do you have children?" I stumble over my words.  Why? Should I even care about the feelings of the person asking the question when I don't know them?  Well...I do.  I can't help it.  I always hated being in a situation when my question may have been hard on the person. I don't want that for the  individual asking me.  But, it never fails.  I always give a response that's something like, "well, ugh, yes, ugh, but unfortunately, ugh, she's not with us."  My face gets red and I make the whole interaction unbelievably awkward.  Paul will often jump in to save me...or us, for that matter.  And if people are around us that know what happened, they are like deer in headlights after my response. 

Every single time this happens, I feel like fail her.  I feel like when I stumble, I am ashamed of what happened and not overjoyed by what God has blessed us with.  I feel like I deny her...my own daughter! And that is NOT what my intentions are. I just wish it were easier.  I just wish she were in my arms so I didn't have to constantly dance around this topic.  Oh Lord, will this ever get easier?

Another anen mommy from my support group gave me a suggestion of  framing the answer in a positive way so that others may see that I am proud to be her mama.  So, from now on I will say something like, "Yes, we had a little girl about ___ months ago. Unfortunately, she did not live very long and is now in heaven. But, we are so happy that we had some time with her and are proud to be her parents." And if they respond with a gasp and an "oh I'm soooooo sorry" (which is typical) I will say "That's okay. We feel very blessed by our little girl, and we saw a lot of good things happen because of her life."
 
I will make it a point to never EVER let this happen again.  I will not let a question shake me to the point where I cannot stop crying because I feel like I am a horrible mother to her. She deserves better...much better!

You are my sunshine, Gracie!  I can't wait til the day I get to see your beautiful face again.  Until then... XOXO