I drove home from my parents house this evening with a dark cloud surrounding my car. I fought back my emotions this afternoon with my mom by my side, but I couldn't help it being by myself.
My intentions were pure. I wanted Grace's birth certificate and so in order to obtain it, I had to go to the health department here within our city limits. My husband questioned why I was venturing upstairs on Sunday as he heard me digging through paperwork in our frigid storage area. There are really only two reasons why I go up there. One being to fetch wrapping paper, and the other is obtain our paper work for Grace. When I walked down with my blue folder full of documents from the hospital, he knew I was up to something. As I plopped down at the dining room table, he sat across from me and just starred. I waited for the, "what are you up to?" question as I continued to search through the documents. Moments later, it came.
We never received her birth certificate or her Social Security number after she was born. As I began to page through the sheets of paper, it dawned on me that we were told we had to pick it up from the health department and that it wouldn't be mailed. Additionally, we never received her Social Security card when it was supposed to be mailed within 8-10 weeks. I remember filling out so many documents in the hospital with such a sweet woman for roughly an hour. One of the forms we filled out was information for her SS card. But it just hit 8 months after her birth, and it still has not made it in our mailbox. Sigh.
There there two documents that signified Grace's live birth; her birth certificate and Social Security card. There were many things I prayed for throughout my pregnancy with Grace. One of the things was that she was born alive. I wanted to feel the little heart that was beating inside of me against my chest. I wanted to hear any little sound that came out of her and kiss her warm lips. I didn't want her to suffer, even though I was told she couldn't feel a thing and so I asked Him to take her at His perfect timing. When I was told that she was alive, I was completely in shock. Through delivery process, one of the nurses stated that there wasn't a heartbeat. When the nurse set Grace in my arms, I couldn't believe what I saw. Her chest moved up and down, air came out of her mouth, and her blue eyes were wide open. He answered my prayer and allowed us to spend two hours and seven minutes with her! Thanks be to God!
When you are born, you get a number that identifies who you are, right? It is such an important number that you are advised not to carry this number with you so that your identity does not get taken or other pertinent information isn't snatched from you. In a way, it means your important in this world. I'm feeling very protective over Grace and certainty don't want my daughter to be overlooked. The SSN proves she was here, proves that she was alive, and proves her place in this world. I know that I don't need a number to technically prove her place in this world, but it is another reminder to me that God hears our prayers. She was born alive...she deserves a number.
I walked through the doors of the health department today, excited to obtain one of the two reminders she was born alive. I paid the $23.00 I owed for two birth certificates and waited patiently for her records to be printed. The lady that placed her birth certificate on the counter, looked me into the eyes, and said she was sorry for our loss. I politely said thank you, handed her the money, put the document in my folder, and made my way to my mother's car. Once I was situated, I opened the folder to see in capital letters at the top of the birth certificate, "THIS PERSON IS DECEASED." It took everything in my being not to completely break down. Why is this necessary on a BIRTH certificate? Isn't this what a DEATH certificate is for...to indicate that the person is no longer alive?
I was crushed.
Before I entered my house, I had to get it together. I was a total mess...mascara running down my face, my eyes were beat red, and my sleeve was full of boogers. Yes, I did wash my coat, by the way. ;) I sat there in my freezing car, and called out to Him. I felt the Holy Spirit calm my soul and reassure me that a document doesn't prove anything. She is alive. Maybe not here on earth. But she's alive... in heaven. And I don't need a document to prove she's alive there. I have a faith in Him to believe it's true.
Thank you, heavenly Father, for the gift of salvation. I'm so thankful you ALWAYS meet me where I am. You never forsake me and I am so thankful for your constant presence. Please give my baby girl a hug and kiss for me. Tell her that her daddy and mama miss her terribly and love her dearly!
♥ Baby girl, I don't need your birth certificate to prove anything. You will ALWAYS be alive in my heart. Save me a seat around the throne. I love you to the moon and back. Xoxo ♥
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